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  1. #1
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    Dating questions

    I met a guy from Grindr on a date a few weeks ago and within a week, we saw each other 4 times. He was on vacation which made things easier but since then, we've seen each other a couple more times. He stayed over at my place for the first time last night. I feel like we have a great connection but I've noticed that in between dates, he barely texts me and he seems to be online on Grindr a lot.

    My insecure side sees this as him not being that into me but in person, he's very enthusiastic, affectionate (always holding my hand, cuddling me, kissing me, etc.) and he seems to be opening up as far as talking to me about personal things. We've talked about what we wanted and he said while a relationship would be great, he doesn't want to rush into things.

    Am I just overthinking things or these signs red flags?

    I really like him and I am trying to take it easy but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed when I start analyzing everything and it gives me terrible anxiety.

    What do you guys think?
    Last edited by mcbg22; November 11th, 2018 at 03:37 PM.

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    Re: Dating questions

    I've never been in an relationship, so pinch of salt, but that really doesn't seem like anything to worry about.

    There's plenty of people that aren't into texting for one reason or another. Or it could even be that they don't feel as confident about expressing themself in text, especially when it's with someone they like. In and of itself, nothing particularly suspicious.

    The Grindr thing is a common issue people bring up on the forum. It doesn't come across as anything worrying. So, forgive my ignorance, but if you're able to see this guy on Grindr, wouldn't you also appear as 'online' on Grindr?
    Couldn't they be using the app for the same reasons you are?

    You're both still feeling things out and you like what you both have. These may be things worth talking about if y'all become more serious; ya know, making your expectations clear and known. But for now enjoy what y'all have!

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by SeaCore View Post
    I've never been in an relationship, so pinch of salt, but that really doesn't seem like anything to worry about.

    There's plenty of people that aren't into texting for one reason or another. Or it could even be that they don't feel as confident about expressing themself in text, especially when it's with someone they like. In and of itself, nothing particularly suspicious.

    The Grindr thing is a common issue people bring up on the forum. It doesn't come across as anything worrying. So, forgive my ignorance, but if you're able to see this guy on Grindr, wouldn't you also appear as 'online' on Grindr?
    Couldn't they be using the app for the same reasons you are?

    You're both still feeling things out and you like what you both have. These may be things worth talking about if y'all become more serious; ya know, making your expectations clear and known. But for now enjoy what y'all have!
    Fair. I think logically, nothing is wrong so far but I'm having irrational thoughts. For example, if I see him online, based on his location, he's always online at home and at work but now tonight I saw he was just 2KM from me, meaning he is downtown and he told me before he never goes downtown. So now I'm freaking out because in my mind, he is here to meet some other guy. I'm obviously obsessing way too much over this and even if he was downtown to meet another guy, I guess he is allowed since we haven't discussed exclusivity.

  4. #4
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    Re: Dating questions

    I have noticed that alot of younger gay guys will sleep around a lot while treating each "date" as if he's the soulmate. I can see how this confuses the hell out of inexperienced guys like the OP.

    OP, if you're looking for something more serious, move on.

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    Re: Dating questions

    Pas de prise de tête. Laissez le temps faire les choses. Après je ne comprends pas pourquoi vous restez inscrit sur un site de rencontre si vous commencez une relation ( vous comme votre futur copain). Il n' y a pas de recettes magiques dans une relation, mais seulement des ingrédients indispensables : la stabilité, la franchise, la sincérité, et la confiance. Bien que ce dernier ne soit pas si facile à gagner, il demande beaucoup d'efforts.
    Apprenez à vous connaître sans vous mettre la pression.

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    Re: Dating questions

    I honestly wish there was an easy answer to your situation, because I think this is suuuuuuuch a common/typical occurrence at this stage of the dating game - especially amongst gay men. I find that more often than not, it is SO rare that two guys find each other on the exact same page, wanting the exact same thing, at the exact same time. Arrrrrgh.

    ...Anyway. I think it's good that when you spend time together, he seems very much invested - we have at least that much going for us haha. The Grindr thing could be suspicious, but those gay dating apps can be so second-nature to so many of us that I'm not convinced it's THAT much of a red flag. He could have messed around with another guy since you and he started up, but - as you said - you've never talked exclusivity. And it also sounds like you're in that "When do we transition from casually dating to something more serious?" zone with him, which is confusing in and of itself. I guess my next question would be: who is the initiator? Are you the one always having to make plans with him? Are you the one always initiating all of the conversation? Does he ever reach out to you first? This is another factor that I think a lot of people try to avoid, but it DOES matter in the grand scheme of things, and it could very well be an indicator of where he's at. If you find that you've been the one to take that first step and reach out more often than not, then maybe you could try chilling on that for a little bit?

    I'm currently in a situation where I hung out with a guy a couple times last week - he initiated conversation w/ me a few days after via DM's on IG, but then left me on 'read'? And then I texted him yesterday just to see how his week was goinggoing, but our conversation was brief as he was heading into work and he, again, just stopped responding to me - no follow up after work, no text later on being like "Sorry I got distracted - what's up?" - nothing. So, at this point, I'm thinking he might be over it? But it's almost too early to tell, and there are so many other elements that could be at play here...

    But I do know one thing: I'm not going to initiate again. Now it's his turn. These types of things really SHOULD be a two-way street, and if you feel like you're putting a lot in and you're getting little return on your investment, then you have ever right to either a.) put the ball in his court and see how he plays it, or b.) express it to him and see how he responds. I also think if you put the ball in his court and he just drops you entirely... then you have your answer. People will often try to rationalize that as "Well maybe he's just not the type to take the initiative...", or he might be like "Well you stopped texting me so I figured you were over it"... which is all just bullshit, IMO. He clearly knows that you're interested in him and would like to see him again, and he knows that a signal to you that the feeling is mutual would be him initiating things with you. So if he doesn't do that... then there we go.

    *gets off soapbox*

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    I met a guy from Grindr on a date a few weeks ago and within a week, we saw each other 4 times....we have a great connection but I've noticed that in between dates, he barely texts me and he seems to be online on Grindr a lot.
    There is a group of guys who are addicted to social media and social networking sites. They're constantly on Facebook, Grindr, et al. They're constantly looking at Instagram.

    Um... you saw him because you were on Grindr, too, right?

    Ever think that this guy is thinking about you: "Well, maybe he doesn't think this is serious as he's always on Grindr"?

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    My insecure side sees this as him not being that into me but in person, he's very enthusiastic, affectionate... We've talked about what we wanted and he said while a relationship would be great, he doesn't want to rush into things.
    You've been out 4 times. You've had sex 1 time.

    Reality check: you're not dating, you're not exclusive and neither of you has agreed to anything in terms of commitment.


    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    Am I just overthinking things or these signs red flags?
    Possibly. The real question is whether the problem here is this guy's social media addiction or whether the problem is your insecurity.

    Be realistic. You've just gone out a few times. Neither of you has agreed that you're dating, much less dating exclusively.

    If this continues to become increasingly serious- you're spending a lot of time together, you're having sex on a regular basis and you really like each other, then it will be time to talk about whether you're dating and whether "dating" means that you're being monogamous. Never assume that dating and monogamy are the same thing.

    Until then, enjoy your time together and treat each other well.
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    Re: Dating questions

    Thanks everyone. Small update:

    We've seen each other about 8 times now. This weekend, he came over to my place and he stayed over. We had a great time. When he left, he said next time I should go over to his place to meet his new cat. Later that day, I was on Grindr (I know!) and I noticed he was online nearby, while he told me previously he never came downtown. I made the mistake of texting him later to ask if he had gone out with friends downtown because I saw him nearby on Grindr. Big mistake.

    Anyway, he didn't reply until the next day and he told me he enjoyed spending time with me and would like to keep seeing me but that at the moment, he couldn't commit to anything and he didn't want to lead me on. I took that as he isn't that into me but later, he texted me to say his anxiety was going crazy and that he was getting drunk. Finally, he texted me again late at night to say 'super very drunk me wishes you a goodnight'. I think it's weird he got so anxious over this if he's not that into me...

    I only saw his message when I woke up the next day so I didn't reply. I think at this point, I'm going to back off and let him contact me if he wants to talk or to see me...
    Last edited by mcbg22; November 15th, 2018 at 08:24 AM.

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    Thanks everyone. Small update:

    We've seen each other about 8 times now. This weekend, he came over to my place and he stayed over. We had a great time. When he left, he said next time I should go over to his place to meet his new cat. Later that day, I was on Grindr (I know!) and I noticed he was online nearby, while he told me previously he never came downtown. I made the mistake of texting him later to ask if he had gone out with friends downtown because I saw him nearby on Grindr. Big mistake.

    Anyway, he didn't reply until the next day and he told me he enjoyed spending time with me and would like to keep seeing me but that at the moment, he couldn't commit to anything and he didn't want to lead me on. I took that as he isn't that into me but later, he texted me to say his anxiety was going crazy and that he was getting drunk. Finally, he texted me again late at night to say 'super very drunk me wishes you a goodnight'. I think it's weird he got so anxious over this if he's not that into me...

    I only saw his message when I woke up the next day so I didn't reply. I think at this point, I'm going to back off and let him contact me if he wants to talk or to see me...
    I don’t think you made a ‘big mistake’ at all by asking him about going out downtown. He didn’t have you blocked, so clearly he could see that you could see if/when he were to be in close proximity to you. Actually, I think it was a good thing that you made mention of that to him - it sounds like that was the catalyst for you to find out that you guys aren’t on the ‘same page’ (assuming that you were looking to pursue something more serious with him, which is what I gathered from your posts).

    I wonder why you’re asking him about his plans b/c you saw him on Grindr was the reason why he finally said something about the ‘commitement’ thing. Like, was it the fact that you could see his general whereabouts that made him want to say something? Was it the fact that maybe he was seeing someone else, and finally felt guilty enough to tell you about it b/c you asked him directly about his Grindr activity? That’s the only part of this that’s piquing my interest...

    I guess my question, at this point, is: how do you feel about it? Would you be game to continue spending time with him, all while knowing he’s not ready for something serious? I can’t help but suspect that he still wants to spend time with you, because why the fuck would he have continued to spend all this time with you if he wasn’t enjoying himself? Right?

    What do YOU want?

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by MoDo88 View Post
    I don’t think you made a ‘big mistake’ at all by asking him about going out downtown. He didn’t have you blocked, so clearly he could see that you could see if/when he were to be in close proximity to you. Actually, I think it was a good thing that you made mention of that to him - it sounds like that was the catalyst for you to find out that you guys aren’t on the ‘same page’ (assuming that you were looking to pursue something more serious with him, which is what I gathered from your posts).

    I wonder why you’re asking him about his plans b/c you saw him on Grindr was the reason why he finally said something about the ‘commitement’ thing. Like, was it the fact that you could see his general whereabouts that made him want to say something? Was it the fact that maybe he was seeing someone else, and finally felt guilty enough to tell you about it b/c you asked him directly about his Grindr activity? That’s the only part of this that’s piquing my interest...

    I guess my question, at this point, is: how do you feel about it? Would you be game to continue spending time with him, all while knowing he’s not ready for something serious? I can’t help but suspect that he still wants to spend time with you, because why the fuck would he have continued to spend all this time with you if he wasn’t enjoying himself? Right?

    What do YOU want?
    I think he could sense from my question about seeing him on Grindr that I am looking for something more serious and he felt a bit cornered. With that said, I think he's into me and I would like to keep seeing him but I wonder if what he said is a red flag. I know we're still in new territory and have only known each other for a few weeks now but it feels more intimate to me because in person, he's always holding my hand, kissing me everywhere, cuddling me, etc. It doesn't seem very casual or a FWB scenario to me.

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    I think he could sense from my question about seeing him on Grindr that I am looking for something more serious and he felt a bit cornered. With that said, I think he's into me and I would like to keep seeing him but I wonder if what he said is a red flag. I know we're still in new territory and have only known each other for a few weeks now but it feels more intimate to me because in person, he's always holding my hand, kissing me everywhere, cuddling me, etc. It doesn't seem very casual or a FWB scenario to me.
    Some of it is him. Some of it is you.

    It's hard to know in situations like this whether you're being paranoid or whether your instincts are right. While he's not under any obligation to tell you everything, it's also not a good sign when someone is telling you lies or half-truths about things that they could just be honest about to start.

    Your instinct to give him space is probably the best option for you both. It sounds like he needs to work on some of his issues. And maybe you can give some thought about your trust issues at the same time.
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  12. #12
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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    I think he could sense from my question about seeing him on Grindr that I am looking for something more serious and he felt a bit cornered. With that said, I think he's into me and I would like to keep seeing him but I wonder if what he said is a red flag. I know we're still in new territory and have only known each other for a few weeks now but it feels more intimate to me because in person, he's always holding my hand, kissing me everywhere, cuddling me, etc. It doesn't seem very casual or a FWB scenario to me.
    Right. I can understand why you'd be confused, because his actions (arguably) aren't matching his words. There are some that would say that just because he's being PDA w/ you and packing on the lovey-dovey stuff when you see him... that shouldn't translate to you assuming that he wants the same thing you want. But in this situation, it doesn't sound like you were being like "UH HELLO LET'S GET MARRIED NOW THNX". It sounds like you are interested in eventually going 'down that road' with him, and I think that's fair? *shrugs* It sounds like he realized in that moment that how he was treating you was, understandably, signaling to YOU that he may have wanted the same thing. I dunno. I really do see where you're coming from with this.

    I don't think it's worth rushing anything, because - as you said - you've only known the man for less than a month now. I don't think it's a red flag that he told you he can't commit to anything - you needed honesty from him, and he gave it to you. I think it's a red flag that he didn't tell you that until you tried to engage with him about his whereabouts after seeing him on Grindr. He doesn't really owe you an explanation, and you guys aren't exclusive or tied to each other - but on the other hand, I don't think you were in the wrong for presenting the question - he's not obligated to give you an answer, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask. I agree with you that he probably felt cornered when you asked him, but I don't think it was a "Wow this guy is crazy why is he asking me about this I'm not his fucking boyfriend..." cornered. I think it was a "Ehhhh I should probably make myself more clear if he's inquiring with me about Grindr stuff, because maybe I've given him the wrong impression..." cornered.

    And lastly - I agree with you that it sounds like he's still interested. The whole drunk anxiety thing is odd...? Don't know how to read that lol. Like, was he anxious about the situation with you specifically?

    I'd leave the ball in his court for now, too. Let him make the next move.

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    Re: Dating questions

    Quote Originally Posted by MoDo88 View Post
    Right. I can understand why you'd be confused, because his actions (arguably) aren't matching his words. There are some that would say that just because he's being PDA w/ you and packing on the lovey-dovey stuff when you see him... that shouldn't translate to you assuming that he wants the same thing you want. But in this situation, it doesn't sound like you were being like "UH HELLO LET'S GET MARRIED NOW THNX". It sounds like you are interested in eventually going 'down that road' with him, and I think that's fair? *shrugs* It sounds like he realized in that moment that how he was treating you was, understandably, signaling to YOU that he may have wanted the same thing. I dunno. I really do see where you're coming from with this.

    I don't think it's worth rushing anything, because - as you said - you've only known the man for less than a month now. I don't think it's a red flag that he told you he can't commit to anything - you needed honesty from him, and he gave it to you. I think it's a red flag that he didn't tell you that until you tried to engage with him about his whereabouts after seeing him on Grindr. He doesn't really owe you an explanation, and you guys aren't exclusive or tied to each other - but on the other hand, I don't think you were in the wrong for presenting the question - he's not obligated to give you an answer, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask. I agree with you that he probably felt cornered when you asked him, but I don't think it was a "Wow this guy is crazy why is he asking me about this I'm not his fucking boyfriend..." cornered. I think it was a "Ehhhh I should probably make myself more clear if he's inquiring with me about Grindr stuff, because maybe I've given him the wrong impression..." cornered.

    And lastly - I agree with you that it sounds like he's still interested. The whole drunk anxiety thing is odd...? Don't know how to read that lol. Like, was he anxious about the situation with you specifically?

    I'd leave the ball in his court for now, too. Let him make the next move.
    I dunno if his anxiety was related to me but I thought it was weird that he brought it up during our text convo. Here's what he said:

    "My anxiety is maxing out for tonight, and I cant let it best me. I have my phone in my bedroom on silent, and I'm upstairs drinking too much wine. Not a good night for this.''

    Later, he texted me again to say "very super drunk me wishes you a goodnight''. I only saw it the next day so I didn't reply. I was gonna wait to hear again from him but it's now been two days and now I'm worried he's thinking I'm the one ignoring him since I didn't reply to his last text. Overthinking again lol.

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