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  1. #1
    On the Prowl t1ghtO's Avatar
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    2cents Where does one belong?

    Hi guys,

    Going thru a bit of a phase right now, just turned 30 and a lot has been happening inside my head in the past few months.

    A little bit about me, born male, raised without too much constraint on gender , matured as ... I don't really know how to identify myself but I'll just use the regular terms used in the community , so I'd say I'm a full time transvestite.
    I don't want to be a girl even though I make myself look just like one , and this is my normal, it's what works for me and what I know , so it makes me feel "safe & sound" even though it's the opposite of safe to go down the street for somebody like me.
    Anywho, in my adult life , I've had 5 relationships , each of them lasting for more than a year except for the last one for which I paid 5 years for. I said paid because I believe the cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it.
    All of them were with , to my knowledge or at least to their saying, with straight guys. I don't know how that works , never understood it myself, so I just put it on the "he's protecting his manhood" card which raises even more questions but .... I don't know.
    I guess it's safe to say , after more than 10 years in the game, that I'm not attracting and going for the right crowd , since all the relationships ended because of one factor which is sex.
    The "issue" is , that sexually I prefer to top although I was versatile as that was required in the relationship, so str8 guy having to give that up, his ass virginity , to me , was somewhat of an issue down the road as most str8 guys aren't really into that on a regular basis , more as an experiment , and that along with every other thing a str8 guy would give up to be with somebody like me , created something which wasn't sustainable anymore.

    Now, I'm wondering myself, as I saw other people like me , having the same dilemmas and questions in life , issues and problems, where does, basically a man, that likes to present himself in a fashion that the majority sees as feminine / a woman, belong when it comes to dating the right person & looking in the right direction to find that right person ?

    Sure, there are a lot of str8 guys out there that love to experiment, but that's a one time deal mostly, there are bisexual guys, but what if you don't want to share ? There are gay guys, but they really want somebody that's masculine , there are studs, lesbians, but, would that work ? Where should one even look ?
    I'm confused and curious at the same time.

    I guess just like a regular str8 person, one could just go from relationship to relationship with whatever works for him/her, until they find the right person, but is there a way to speed up the process by going for at least somebody that likes you how you are ?
    Or would it be better to change , adapt and meet one group's "likes" ? Altho that wouldn't make one happy , not staying true to himself , would that be a fair exchange?
    I don't know, a lot of thoughts going thru my mind and I thought having others weigh in would help.
    Last edited by t1ghtO; August 30th, 2018 at 03:46 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Where does one belong?

    So, it's entirely possible, and perhaps even likely, that when it comes to the label of 'straight' that these guys had some issues with the idea of not being straight. Though based on what you've said, I don't think it was necessarily wrong that these guys labeled themselves as 'straight'. As much as we like to think sexuality is simple, sometimes—it's just NOT.

    What are people really attracted to? On a base, physical attraction, level is it sex organs? Secondary sex characteristics? Gender presentation? Demeanor?
    The truth is, it's probably a bit of each and what people prioritize will vary wildly.
    What are we trying to convey when we say 'I'm straight' or 'I'm gay'? We're trying to get across what we're attracted to, right? If these guys wouldn't ordinarily find themselves attracted to someone that's male, and it takes a very specific gender presentation, and perhaps demeanor, then does it really make sense to tell people you're bi when 99% of the time a dude just isn't in the cards?


    I understand that you're not trans. But I'd imagine there's some commonality to your struggles of not really having a clear cut venue for meeting people in that community. They're dealing with the same issue of 'what are people really attracted to?'
    By-and-large people don't have to confront this issue because most people have all the factors I mentioned (and maybe some I didn't mention) align.

    And a common problem people experience is...
    ...Needing to conform concretely to a label, 'gay' 'straight' or 'bi' rather than simply following where their attraction leads them. They end up confused because suddenly the label they were comfortable with doesn't quite work, and if they're not that then WHAT are they? Because of this—They're more likely to avoid people that cause them to question. It's a huuuuggggeeeeee mess that more and more people are having to navigate.

    The best that I could suggest is building yourself a strong network of friends. They're probably going to be the best people to help you find the right person. Algorithms and dating profiles just aren't designed for nuance. And that's something you largely need.
    Your friends are going to be the best curators. They're going to have an idea of what you're like, what their own friends are like, and can probably ask bizarre questions to help feel the situation out before sending someone your way.
    And make friends with people in 'alternative' circles, in particular. They're already comfortable with the atypical. And even if you're not interested in the people in the 'alternative' scene, they're going to be friends with people that aren't alternative but are alternative friendly.


    Quote Originally Posted by t1ghtO View Post
    there are bisexual guys, but what if you don't want to share ?
    I just want to touch on this real quick. It's a bit of a stereotype that bisexual people don't like to be monogamous. It is perfectly possible for you to find a bi guy that you wouldn't have to share with. Don't let the stereotype get in the way of you exploring people you're interested in.
    And really, the same applies to gay people. A lot are looking for men that are more gruff and typical, but they're a diverse group of people with wildly different interests. I'm certain there's a few that would be overly thrilled to catch your eye~
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