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  1. #1
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    I can't break the pattern

    That's how it always goes -- I don't fall for guys very often, but when I see one that I like I know I like him.

    First date goes well, second date goes well, we keep chatting, we make out, then we meet again, we kiss passionately, I postpone sex because I'm too afraid he will reject me and what happens is... I fall for the guy and he becomes uninterested. He gives me the cold shoulder.

    It's happened to me over and over.

    I refuse to get ashamed of my feelings. If I like someone, I should be happy about it because it means I am able to have feelings. What bums me is that guys have a 180 in the space of one day.

    There's this guy I was crazy about. We kissed and hugged passionately on a Friday night. He was ice cold on Sunday. And he even flirted with someone else right in front of me. How am I supposed NOT to have feelings when I am intimate with someone for a whole night? I refuse this concept. I am not a robot.

    Plus, I have not had sex for 3 years. If this guy and I had had sex... and he rejected me... I would not even be able to get off my bed now.

    I think it all boils down to fear of rejection. It's paralyzing me. Any advice on this would be much appreciated. Oh and before you suggest therapy, I am looking for a therapist already.

  2. #2
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    Re: I can't break the pattern

    Well, you can break the pattern. Making out isn't essential to starting a relationship. Maybe you're sending a bit of a mixed message about your intentions. Granted, kissing is just kissing, but people might be reading a bit more into than you'd like.

    Have you tried a dating app?

    In what way have y'all clicked when chatting? Same interests?

    What settings are you doing this in? Maybe you're looking for people in a space that is meant for less serious interactions?
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  3. #3
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I can't break the pattern

    It’s difficult to know another person’s objectives. That’s why “clicking” may or may not mean anything. The same with sex. Many people are going to treat it more casually than you. You need to be true to yourself but do realize that waiting to have sex with someone won’t be a guaranty that it will lead to a longer term relationship.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  4. #4
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    Re: I can't break the pattern

    Quote Originally Posted by SeaCore View Post
    Well, you can break the pattern. Making out isn't essential to starting a relationship. Maybe you're sending a bit of a mixed message about your intentions. Granted, kissing is just kissing, but people might be reading a bit more into than you'd like.
    I do read a lot into kissing when I kiss someone I have dated a few times.

    Have you tried a dating app?
    Don't get me started on them. I have deleted all of them. Nothing good has ever come out.

    In what way have y'all clicked when chatting? Same interests?
    We just got along. I especially liked him (the latest guy I dated) not feeling like a subordinate to me. Like he wasn't waiting for me to take the lead. He was proactive. He didn't come across like someone who could be easily hurt by me. Which I like. But then he hurt me lol

    Maybe you're looking for people in a space that is meant for less serious interactions?
    I don't even have sex with them. Thanks for your feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    It’s difficult to know another person’s objectives. That’s why “clicking” may or may not mean anything. The same with sex. Many people are going to treat it more casually than you. You need to be true to yourself but do realize that waiting to have sex with someone won’t be a guaranty that it will lead to a longer term relationship.
    I should print this out and repeat it to myself over and over. I have a question for you guys. How am I supposed not to have expectations?

    If you date someone and then after a month or so you two kiss on a Friday, you hug, you text cute things to each other... isn't it safe to assume that on Sunday you will still desire to touch and kiss each other? This guy gave me the cold shoulder, treated me like a stranger and flirted with another guy just 2 days after he acted like we had finally become an item of sorts. Am I making any sense? I am lost.

    I know the answer always is : "He is not that into you". But still...

  5. #5
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    Re: I can't break the pattern

    So the issue isn't so much not having expectations it's about communicating those expectations to the other person. Do you think you'd feel better if this guy had essentially broken up with you? If you could know specifically why?

    Because I don't think it'd be unreasonable to mention to someone you're interested in that you've been ghosted a lot and that if things look like they're not going to work out to talk with you about what's up.

    Do you still have this guy's number? If you have the right approach you might be able to ask them what happened so you can hopefully learn from it.
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