I got a job! And I want to quit.

[Disturbance]

So I got a job at the local Internet-provider in customer service.
I was enthusiastic and I was really looking forward to it, right until the moment, when the first person I have came accross was my ex.

I was shocked and dumbfounded, and I just found out that he will also take the very same job, and we will be in the same room all the time.

I got physically sick, and I had to get out of there as soon as I could.

There is a period, in which they will teach us how to do this job. I'm serisously considering NOT going in tomorrow.
Right now, I just want to get out of there, and go as far away from him and that place as I possibly can, I don't want to be near him, but I really need the job as well. It is a good, flexible job, that I could reasonably continue during term.

But I don't want to be reminded of him all the time.

This job would look really good in my biography in the future, it is flexible, I could learn a lot, I could earn work-experience, it pays reasonably well, and it would've helped me get out of my shitty past into a new "age".

And there he is. A constant reminder, that I am not valuable enough, and that I lost it all.
I already started to scan the internet for other flexible work opportunities, but you never know if you can find any.

What should I do?

[bankside]

Don't let him keep you in the past now.

Let him be a constant reminder that he is in your past.

Just be professional, show up and do your job.

[Sigma-taylor-E]

If you keep running he wins.
Be an adult about it and go do your job.

[HunterM]

If you run away...you are giving your ex more power over your life. Why would you want to do that? Keep the job. Focus on doing a better job at this job than he. Hopefully, it will lead to a better raise. Treat him as a coworker...a competitor. Don't need to socialize with him.

[sixthson]

Think of this as one of life's challenges. If you face it head-on, you will only come out stronger. If you run away now, what have you learned? Will you run away next time you are faced with something painful and difficult? This is not to say it will be easy, but you can do it. You are fortunate enough to have an employer give you a job they believed you can do and, as you said, it can only help you in the future. Quitting after one day won't do much for your resume.

[Disturbance]

Sorry, but running away always worked out for me just fine.
I mean, if I don't run away, I will tear him apart. Theese are the two options. I can't just ignore the things that happened, I can't be just "adult" about it. He hurt me, he lied to me, and then he dumped me. If I stay at this job, I won't be able to stop myself from hurting him, and frankly, I don't even want to. I want him to pay, and the only way for me stop wanting it is to never see him again, ever.

[Illmatic]

I might sound cliché, but oh well: I don't believe in coincidence, just like sixthson said: life gave you this challenge, just like this one, and when you overcome this it will make you a stronger person. I personally always "accept" those challenges because of this and it really does make me stronger.
You can either run away or just face it, it's your choice.

[MoufOfKhaos]

So then quit. Let him win. Move on and find something else. If you can't be man enough to move on and focus on your future(as you stated, the job would be a benefit), then retreat and let your past destroy what you could have before it happens.

Hopefully you'll learn the fact that in this big wide world, you run into things that you can either move past from, or allow to swallow you whole. To be succinct, you're the problem here... not him.

[Disturbance]

So then quit. Let him win. Move on and find something else. If you can't be man enough to move on and focus on your future(as you stated, the job would be a benefit), then retreat and let your past destroy what you could have before it happens.

Hopefully you'll learn the fact that in this big wide world, you run into things that you can either move past from, or allow to swallow you whole. To be succinct, you're the problem here... not him.

No. You are the problem, and people like you, who keep telling me that I have to be "man enough", and that I need to just keep swallowing. I swallowed my whole life, I want to spit.

How do you think I should handle this, oh mighty pep-talk leader? I have no idea.

[racer2438]

Stand your ground...and be the man you are. Don't let this get in the way of your dreams and goals.

Maybe let the management know about the situation and maybe they can reassign one of you to another area.???

If you quit, he will forever tell everyone you were weak and got you out of there. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[MoufOfKhaos]

No. You are the problem, and people like you, who keep telling me that I have to be "man enough", and that I need to just keep swallowing. I swallowed my whole life, I want to spit.

How do you think I should handle this, oh mighty pep-talk leader? I have no idea.

By swallowing your pious "I can't see him because it'll make me want to hurt him" pride - and your silly attitude - and letting him know that your life goes on, quite happily, without him in it.

Ever hear the expression "the best revenge is living well"? It applies. So does the short expression "man up".

As for spitting, you have to learn to actually swallow first - you're still chewing on a day old meal. Sorry, I just don't feel coddling you works here; if your first response is to run, what have you really learned?

[Disturbance]

By swallowing your pious "I can't see him because it'll make me want to hurt him" pride - and your silly attitude - and letting him know that your life goes on, quite happily, without him in it.

Ever hear the expression "the best revenge is living well"? It applies. So does the short expression "man up".

As for spitting, you have to learn to actually swallow first - you're still chewing on a day old meal. Sorry, I just don't feel coddling you works here; if your first response is to run, what have you really learned?

It is not true. My life is not happy at all. I lost my uncle and my grandfather quite fucking recently, and I almost got fired from the university, because I could hardly get myself to study because of those deaths. I am visiting a psychologist every week, hoping that it will bring some measure of peace, and it worked until this morning. Now I'm back where I started. He is there, happy, looking quite fantastic compared to when I've last seen him, and I feel like the worst invaluable piece of shit on earth.

I don't need your tough talk, you obviously don't care about my situation, you just want me to man up and beat down everything I come accross.Well tell you what, this kind of "tough love" never worked for me, so if this is all that you have to offer, than thank you, but I'd rather not have any more of it.

[MoufOfKhaos]

If I didn't care, I never would have replied to your thread after the fact, or even at all. The opposite of not caring is not "tough love" - it's inattention.

But if you want to ignore and negate the advice you've been given because you're having a tough go at life with a real chance to turn it all around, then I have nothing left to offer.

[Disturbance]

If I didn't care, I never would have replied to your thread after the fact, or even at all. The opposite of not caring is not "tough love" - it's inattention.

But if you want to ignore and negate the advice you've been given because you're having a tough go at life with a real chance to turn it all around, then I have nothing left to offer.

I don't need your kind of "care" then. Leave me be.

[Illmatic]

What else did you expect when you started this thread? Did you just wanted everyone to say "run away"?

It's just a fact that the best thing is to take it, as hard as it can be and I know that you don't want to hear that (I've been there on this site). But it's still your choice though, run away or swallow.

[johaninsc]

how long were you and your ex together?


...and how long has it been since the two of you split?

[Disturbance]

how long were you and your ex together?


...and how long has it been since the two of you split?

We were together for a year and a half.

And we split this year February. He said very hurtful things to me that weren't true, and he blamed his failiures on me.

[Seasoned]

Your story is something out of a movie plot with no surprise ending. You either leave or stay. He either leaves or stays. One or both of you get fired. One or both of you are harmed or arrested.

This is something you take to your psychologist immediately without waiting for your next appointment. This all ties in to your bad current fortune (so sorry as to your personal losses) and the shit you put up with with your ex only to get dumped by him anyway.

I think you'd be well served if you directed some of that anger back to yourself for putting up with him and not walking away first. It may be too much for you to handle right now, but you might have the option of moving your work space or having a flex schedule that doesn't coincide with his. There's no right or wrong here. Do what's best for you today and six months out. You won't have a judgement about your decision until a bunch of time passes.

Life got better for me when I realized that my relationship is not what makes me whole. I was born whole and didn't always know it. Sure, we have feelings when things change, but with processing and continuing our activities and interests, we learn that we grow only be having experiences and making decisions and accepting consequences. You will eventually get to where you want to go if you don't give up. Those here who seem to be pushing you are hoping you get there faster. It's your decision and your decision with be the correct one for you at this time.

Please keep in mind that this is a no flame advice forum. People, hopefully, give careful thought to what they write. You as the OP are free to take what you like and to leave the rest. A polite, "thank you, but that won't work," ought to be sufficient to end a conversation with a poster.

Again, discuss this with your psychiatrist and know that whatever you decide it is the correct decision for today. Do weigh in all factors however and do realize that in either case you have issues which to work on, self-restraint if you take the job, and reclaiming personal power if you don't. All the best.

[Ganoderma]

hi Disturbance,

I would like to advise you to accept the job. Treat your ex as a stranger (= an unknown co-worker), and keep some distance from him. So treat him as a co-worker, but no more then that.

There is a simple solution in case your ex will start talking to others about the past of you and him together. Ignore his statements and keep telling all other co-workers that you don't want to talk anymore about the past.

Good luck and take care.

[borg69unimatrix]

We were together for a year and a half.

And we split this year February. He said very hurtful things to me that weren't true, and he blamed his failiures on me.

That's it??? All this drama over this??? ... if that's the worst you got from him, you got off lucky. His problems are HIS problems. Just ignore him.

[johaninsc]

We were together for a year and a half.

And we split this year February. He said very hurtful things to me that weren't true, and he blamed his failiures on me.

sorry to hear that


were you guys in a monogamous relationship?

was there any cheating involved?

[bankside]

We were together for a year and a half.

And we split this year February. He said very hurtful things to me that weren't true, and he blamed his failiures on me.

To be honest it sounds like you're planning a failure and hoping to blame it on him.

When you lose your dream job, it will give you something else to hold onto that he did to you.

For the sake of his career, look for work elsewhere.

[HunterM]

OK, sounds like you have already made up your mind to quit anyway. I don't understand why you even asked us

What should I do?

Go ahead and quit.

[altlover85]

What should I do?

I second Seasoned's advice. Get your psych on the phone, ASAP. Honestly, I would at least ride it out for a few more days and see how it goes, especially if you need the money. If this is just a job for a little extra income, I could see how quitting would make sense, on an emotional level.

From a practical point of view, I would say keep the job and focus hard on your training. Jobs can be hard to come by and this job might be useful on your resume, even moreso if you are done with college. I couldn't tell if you had graduated or not.

Good luck!

[Disturbance]

I second Seasoned's advice. Get your psych on the phone, ASAP. Honestly, I would at least ride it out for a few more days and see how it goes, especially if you need the money. If this is just a job for a little extra income, I could see how quitting would make sense, on an emotional level.

From a practical point of view, I would say keep the job and focus hard on your training. Jobs can be hard to come by and this job might be useful on your resume, even moreso if you are done with college. I couldn't tell if you had graduated or not.

Good luck!

My Psych is in Prague at vacation right now.
I did go back today and I gave myself another chance. When I arrived I've seen him leave, so today I didn't have to suffer his presence. I don't know if I can pull through with this, but I will definitely keep my eyes open, for better jobs.

It turned out that not only is my ex one of my co-workers, but several of my childhood bullies are employed there as well, a few of them in mentor positions. It is all so humiliating.

To be honest it sounds like you're planning a failure and hoping to blame it on him.

When you lose your dream job, it will give you something else to hold onto that he did to you.

For the sake of his career, look for work elsewhere.

It is not a dream job, it is an opportunity. A fine one.

sorry to hear that


were you guys in a monogamous relationship?

was there any cheating involved?

He did cheat, and left me for the new guy. We were monogamous, they have an open relationship, but they try to make it look as if it is monogamous. He goes out of his way to let me know that he is very happy in his new monogamous relationship.

[sixthson]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do then.

I deleted a previous remark since you answered that question about what you decided to do.

Most of us have had to face touch times and difficult people and situations. Facing them prepares us for the next challenge in life. AND there will be other challenges. None of us wins at everything, sometimes we lose. This is the reality of life.

[Disturbance]

Since you seem to have made up your mind what you were going to do before you ever started this thread, why did you ask us what to do? So, what did you do?

I went back in, and I will go back again tomorrow. And I pray I never see him again.

[sixthson]

I went back in, and I will go back again tomorrow. And I pray I never see him again.

You probably will see him again. Prove to him that you are a bigger man and you won't be intimidated by him...even if you feel intimidated on the inside. Be stong!

[Disturbance]

You probably will see him again. Prove to him that you are a bigger man and you won't be intimidated by him...even if you feel intimidated on the inside. Be stong!

I gave him a killer glance, that melt the smile off his face, but my heart was beating like a war drum.

[bankside]

It is not a dream job, it is an opportunity. A fine one.

I stand corrected:

To be honest it sounds like you're planning a failure and hoping to blame it on him.

When you lose your dream job fine employment opportunity, it will give you something else to hold onto that he did to you.

I'm glad you went back, and I'm glad you have given yourself a chance to slow down and think these things through instead of just reacting in the moment.

From what you say, your ex lacks compassion and integrity. I'm sorry you were treated badly. If you are surrounded by negative people, then thinking about a new job is a good idea. But finding a new job first is much better than making yourself unemployed and hoping something better will come along.

I also think before you try dating again, spend more time with your psychologist and give yourself more time to recover from things like childhood bullying. Bullying is awful to endure as a child, but it can also affect a person's happiness and self-confidence, and it can change their behaviour, in ways that make it difficult for them to be in a relationship. You will find better, healthier people to date than your ex, and you will bring more to the relationship yourself, if you take time to heal and to work on yourself.

[mikemizanin729]

He blamed his failure on you because that's what a failure does. This is your opportunity to show him that you are over him and he can't hold you back.

[spooky]

Hi disturbance,

Being in a position where you have to work with people you knew romantically or people you knew from childhood who were not kind to you is not easy.

I know this very well, I've worked in a health office with people from my past. It wasn't the easiest, coming in and constantly being reminded of the past. There were days when it got so rough that I wanted to quit on the spot but I ignored it.

I took all the wasted energy and focused on doing the work which kept me busy and mostly out of the office. My superiors saw my work and anyone who was visibily trying to shit on my work became visible to them. They eventually left or were reprimanded.

If your ex is harassing you; don't give him any opportunities to do so. Make good friends in the office. Stay away from troublemakers and try not to converse of be around them privately... in an office setting this can be difficult.

It never gets easy but you learn how to adapt and find good coping mechanisms. Especially if they are good ones, not drinking or resorting to gossip. Ick.

Still, when I got my managerial position it was tougher on me because there was that instinct to lash out for past grievances to my fellow workers. Thankfully I had friends who steered me away from that and other managers who had experience in dealing with those feelings.

If you have set goals and friends who will give you a shoulder to cry/vent on then you should be good.

Make a timeline for what you hope to achieve there, what you want to learn and how much time to do it in. If at some point you realize that you are not getting what you want from there, let your superiors know.

They may move you somewhere else... another office, another position, etc.

But you must put in the effort first, running away won't get you anywhere. There will always be a bully somewhere in your life, no matter what.

Anyway, good luck and peace!

[johaninsc]

any updates ?

[vulgar_newcomer]

If you can not separate your x boy friend from your current working conditions you would be wise to resign promptly. Revenge and drama have no place in a new place of employment. You will look bad, it will follow you in references from a employer. The shorter time you are there the less need you will need to use this position in your resume. If you break bad causing a scene or multiple scenes your supervisors will note and document this. If you leave now they won't likely remember any issues just the job didn't work out. This is better than being terminated and a problem.
Also the point should be made that your x bf is dealing with the fact you are now at his place of employment daily. It is a 2 way street, likely he isn't very comfortable either and would prefer to just have you stay clear so he can earn a paycheck and not go down in flames with things which are very petty to a employers goal of a thriving business.
There are sometimes when self preservation means running, this from what I read in your post is the time to do.

[TX-Beau]

Playing out interpersonal grudges at work is a good way to get fired. Management isn't going to care who "hurt" who back in February if it's you making faces and creating a drama now.

[Disturbance]

Sorry for the necromancy.

Update:

I quit the job, and as a result I had to deal with a lot of crap from my parents, who don't care about why I did it, even though they know everything. I spent the rest of the summer taking occasional jobs and working on my new blog, developing my skills in C and java, and doing a lot of self-reflection. My therapist returned from her vacation, and we discussed this issue at length, but she had nothing helpful to say. He said that in my position she might have done the very same thing, but it is easier for her, becasue she doesn't have a boss, neither does she live with her parents.

I have very low self esteem, and I have constant troubles with my parents, as I started to confront them about issues during my childhood. (I come from a very abusive household) As a result I realized, that my parents can't be reasoned with, and that they will always put their ego and status before my well-being, as they always have. I started making plans to get out of the household, so I focus on my studies as much as possible, and also started working out to boost my self esteem and they way I feel about myself.

I had a sense of lack of worth for the past 4 years now, and I want to change that. The death of a close relative made me aware that life is too short to waste it on people who only bring me down, and use me to satisfy themselves with no regard for me.