HELP ME!!! Should I declare my feelings to a daddy?

[relejandro12]

Hello, well this is my problem and I hope you could help me out: (sorry for the long post)

I’m 20 years old, and I really like daddies (older men) and bears, but especially older men. Only my two best friends know this and I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone. Even though I’ve had a huge crush for an old teacher (60 years old) in my school for 6 years so far, it was just impossible: he is married and he’s got grown up sons, besides I don’t think he was gay or even bisexual. So, I really want to move on and I’m tired of being lonely and sad for thinking of the feelings remaining through all this years.

Therefore, since I can’t be with this teacher and I’m starting to calm down about him, I wanted to be with someone else and try to be happy. So, 4 or 5 years ago there was this famous theater actor/director in my country (I’m from South America) who caught my eye. He’s also 60 years old and he´s a big theater reference here:

-he appears in the local newspapers regularly
-he’s done some soap operas for TV.
-and he´s constantly acting or directing new plays.

The thing is that I really like him, he’s very handsome, and he seems to be very nice and kind in the interviews that I’ve seen.

Although he has claimed on TV that he didn’t have time to form a family because he is very shy and due he was constantly working on his only passion (which is theater) but rumors about him being actually gay begun to spread a few years ago after he responded affirmatively to a question which referred if homosexuality was part of his life. He only said yes to that question but he never admitted to be gay, he could’ve been referring to a character that he played or to the fact that theater is considered to be “heaven” for gay people, but he never explained more. So for me he was just a fantasy, I didn’t have a real proof about his sexual preferences and didn’t think about making a move. But this changed the last week, when I found his Facebook account and I discovered some clues that confirmed my suspicions:

1) He had a photo promoting one of his plays in which he appears hugging a young man, and between the comments there was one that said: “I’m sure you like to play that part” and the actor gave it a like to this comment. (I know it’s very silly but there’s more to come).

2) He posted a red equal sign of The Human Rights Campaign about supporting gay marriage. But not only that, because I know that even a straight man can support that initiative, but he wrote “Pride” in the publication, and that’s a word you just don’t drop as easy as that.

3) His Facebook account doesn’t have his name on it, he has a weird nickname and after searching a little bit I found out that the nickname belonged to a character that he had played in the past. This character was a repressed homosexual who, in a moment of the story, confesses his sexual frustrations of his married life.

So, those are my reasons to believe that he could be gay. But the second part of the case is this: Due to the Holidays I was seriously thinking about sending him a caricature of him that I’ve done a long time ago for a drawing workshop as an excuse to tell him how I feel, not saying that I love him or anything as such (because I don’t know him) but to open myself up to him and try to build something if he’s willing to do so.

I know that I may sound like an obsessed fan, but believe me, I’m not acting on an impulse, there has been literally hundreds of times that I’ve thought about declaring my love to my school teacher but I haven’t because I knew it was useless, so I know how to control myself. I just happened to like this actor and if there’s a possibility to start something in which we could both be happy, why shouldn’t I try it?

So I sent him the caricature this past Wednesday (I’m good at drawing and despite I don’t like flattering myself I think it came out very good) and I tried to write really nice things about his work and being as sincere as I could. I don’t like to use words as “sweet” or such but I did to express what I felt and to sound caring. I tried to search for the right words so he could realize that I was not only a fan, but that I wanted something else…yet I think I wasn’t that obvious. So this is what I wrote to him:

“Greetings Mr. (Last name)

I hope you had a happy holiday and wish you a happy New Year filled of good health and success for both professional and personal life.

You do not know me, but the reason I am writing to you is because I am a young man who admires your work and your great skill to be able to perform so naturally and convincingly. It costs a lot to believe you when you say you’re shy haha. Although I have not seen all your works, the few that I have witnessed and the series that you’ve made seem brilliant and I think your work is really admirable. Your intense passion for the theater and that great endearment and dedication that you put into each work is noted and it seems quite inspiring because the results are felt every time you step on the stage or in the warmth that people have towards you.

Also you seem to me a very affable and kind man, which exalts you more as a person and, despite not knowing you, you have generated a lot of sympathy in me. That's why I wanted to give a sign of affection with a little caricature I made of you some time ago in which I wanted to portray that sweet countenance that you always show. I hope you like it and it does not seem offensive to you as it is made with the best intentions and I apologize for having taken the audacity to write to your personal Facebook.

Greetings!

(my name)”

I waited till the next day and I was afraid of the fact that he might not get the chance of receiving the message. But when I saw that he had seen it and that he responded it I was so THRILLED… yet he just answered this:


“Hello, (name). Many thanks for your words and for the caricature, which I think is accurate and funny. I wish you a very happy 2014. A big hug.”


I thought that, considering the length of my message, the nice things I said and the effort of making a drawing for him, he was going to write more than just two lines…that really disappointed me and made me sad because his message felt so succinct and cold…

I was planning that If he answered the message I would respond with something more direct by telling him that I’m gay and that I was inspired by a gay role that he played (he is currently in the middle of a season of 2 plays together and in one of them he plays an older gay man who didn’t had the courage to be with his lover when he was younger, and the two plays turn around the theme of all the things we regret not doing so it would be JUST PERFECT to write him about how was I inspired by that character and that I don’t want to let things pass) but I did not feel ANY interest on his part so I don’t know if it would be a good idea to continue with the plan…

So, Do you guys think that I should continue with this and take a chance? This is really important to me and I’m terrified about this. The fact that he’s a public person is a big deal too and I’m very intimidated because he is also a university teacher and he’s very smart and knows a lot about everything, which makes me feel that I couldn’t keep up with him in a conversation… but it’s been a long time since I felt so good about something and the only fact of thinking about having a relationship with him makes me happy. Any ideas of things I could say to him would be really well received.

Thanks a lot in advance.

[relejandro12]

- - - Updated - - -

I'm certain I've read this here a few times already.

Yeah, flirt him up.

If you can't bag him go on a hookup app, it's full of eldergays.

Eldergays LOVE young men.

Thanks for responding to my thread, seriously.

I’m terribly shy and socially awkward, I don’t know what could I say to bring his attention and I don’t even know how to flirt…

And in my country is nearly impossible to find daddies or bears , because the gay scene is sort of just waking up and there are like 1 or 2 clubs just for young gay people (both boys and girls so it’s not even very well segmented).

[relejandro12]

Where are you from? You don't have gay apps there?

I'll tell you what, I'm a bit shy as well but you just have to push yourself to meet people.

Just start a conversation and be yourself.

South America (excuse me but I would like to avoid telling my country) Yeah, we have apps, but there are just young guys, and I only happen to like daddies or bears…

And yeah, you’re right about pushing myself to meet people but… despite you might be shy, you’re pretty good looking so you have that in your favor. I’m not saying I’m ugly as fuck but I just happen to be VERY introverted.

Do you think I should write to him and say that his gay character inspired me and that I like him? Or try to be more subtle? He’s claimed he’s also shy and he lives to work so I don’t want to scare him away.

[medic1]

Though i in no way doubt your sincerity, an age gap of 40 years does not bode well, also i do not think he was being "cold" when replying to you.
Remember, as you have said, he is a famous and public figure in your country.
He more than likely receives "fan" mail from hundreds, please remember he did respond to your message. Being pragmatic, how do you know that he does not already have a partner?
Perhaps because of his fame, he likes to keep his private life just that, private.

Cupid, has given some great advice, there are many younger men who only find older guys attractive.
It is very easy to "fall" in love with a "public persona", though again, please do not think i am being flippant, it sounds more like an infatuation to me.
I understand from your posts that your "Home" Country, seems a very difficult place to meet the sort of man you desire. Sorry that my post was not very helpful, but i thought a "dose" of reality may help.
I wish you well, and i truly hope that you find a partner that fulfills your needs.

[nycguydowntown]

I read that in Hispanic culture this age difference thing is no big deal---maybe this is not true in your country.

[Ganoderma]

hi relejandro12,

Towards my opinion, you don't need to declare anymore to him that you are gay. I have read your message to him and his reply to you. Straight guys won't exchange such kind of texts with each other (at least in my country, The Netherlands), taken into account his background and also your background. Any gay, in particular in your country, can easily read between the lines and can draw this conclusion.

I tend to think that it is a very good signal that he has send a reply to you. His reply is very kind and very friendly. I do think that you have some sort of obsession towards him [a crush] (same like you had such a crush towards your teacher).

So you might think about sending him a return message (something like 'thanks for your reply'), but you also have to think about some sort of follow-up, when you want to built up a real contact with him. Maybe he just has send you this reply because he is a kind and a friendly guy. So that does not mean that he has 'feelings' for you.

I fully agree with CupidBoy that it is not too difficult, at least in a country like the US and in various European countries, to make contacts with gays who are much older then you.

Good luck and feel free to react and/or ask additional questions.

[bruce379]

Hey. You're young. There will be a lot of chances for you to meet many people. Daddies included.

It is almost a given that the older guys will always hit on the young guys so you don't need to worry about running out of a supply

Take your time. The opportunity will present itself to you. Finish your school first and get a job. When you are already working and living independently, it is so much easier to do the things you want and look for the guys you want without your parents or anyone telling you what to do. Of course, it is also valuable to listen to more experienced people because that will prevent you from making too many mistakes or getting yourself into trouble or harm.

Live in the big cities. Buenos Aires, Montevideo, Mexico City, Lima, etc. There are a lot more gay guys there and you will soon have a social network of your own. Make friends - that is important. Do not go out with guys, young or old, that are emotionally insecure or jealous. If you both love each other, you both trust each other enough to go out with friends alone. He must be comfortable to introduce you to his friends and you must be comfortable enough to introduce him to your friends also otherwise your relationship will not be solid and it won't last long.

Let us know how it is going from time to time. Good luck! You can always ask the crowd here for advice. We love to give it

[bruce379]

By the way, a lot of people will always have trouble when they see a young person hooking up with an older person. This is true whether it is a man or a woman. I have seen young and old couples' relationships work. The reason why it works is, first of all, both can support themselves independently even if they break up. Two, they truly love each other. I have seen age gaps of 30 yrs. that work, they live together and are happy together. Don't listen too much on negative people. Some of them are jealous. Of course, don't be stupid either. Make sure you are not going into an abusive relationship (abusive relationships can and do happen even if both are the same age). You are an adult and can determine right from wrong and what is good and what is bad. So don't make immature decisions like a stupid child.

With that said, you will make mistakes. You will encounter heartbreaks. You will encounter rejection. The secret is to know that these things will happen and to learn from these mistakes and experiences to live a happy and fulfilling life together with a guy that truly loves you.

[medic1]

I too have friends where the age gap is a couple of decades, and they are very happy. My worry about a 40year gap, is not based on the emotional, but more on the physical, I hope the OP does not think i was being negative, only realistic, about someone he knows of,
only through his "Public" life, yet says he is in love...

[Seasoned]

Try to find ways to get to know older men in person. Your crushes are a distraction leading to fantasy. That causes a lot of wasted energy. If you're unsure where to start use the internet to search for gay support in your country and look for places where gay men might go like certain gyms or saunas.

[relejandro12]

I’m really thankful for all your messages guys. It really means a lot because this is really important to me and and I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to all of you sooner due I’ve been kind of busy these days.

Though i in no way doubt your sincerity, an age gap of 40 years does not bode well, also i do not think he was being "cold" when replying to you.
Remember, as you have said, he is a famous and public figure in your country.
He more than likely receives "fan" mail from hundreds, please remember he did respond to your message. Being pragmatic, how do you know that he does not already have a partner?
Perhaps because of his fame, he likes to keep his private life just that, private.

Cupid, has given some great advice, there are many younger men who only find older guys attractive.
It is very easy to "fall" in love with a "public persona", though again, please do not think i am being flippant, it sounds more like an infatuation to me.
I understand from your posts that your "Home" Country, seems a very difficult place to meet the sort of man you desire. Sorry that my post was not very helpful, but i thought a "dose" of reality may help.
I wish you well, and i truly hope that you find a partner that fulfills your needs.

medic1: thanks for taking the time to respond to the post.

Yeah, maybe you’re right and he wasn’t being cold but it felt that way because I thought he’d write a little bit more instead of being so brief.

About the partner, I have thought about that but no, I don’t have the answer but I really hope he doesn’t so I could have more chances with him. If he’s already with someone then I’m screwed and there would be not much to do then.

I’m afraid of the 40 years gap but not for the physical because he seems very healthy (he even runs and moves very energetically when he’s acting) and I’m sexually attracted to men like him. But my fear goes with the psychological/emotional part and that we may not have many things in common or maybe I couldn’t result very interesting to him. By the way, I didn’t say I was in love. I said that I really like him for all the things I’ve seen about him through the years.

I read that in Hispanic culture this age difference thing is no big deal---maybe this is not true in your country.

Nycguydowntown: well, the age in my country is sort of a matter to certain people, like in every other occidental country I think. But for me is not the age itself what bothers me, but the fact that I think that I could find obstacles trying to hold a conversation with him or to keep him interested.

hi relejandro12,

Towards my opinion, you don't need to declare anymore to him that you are gay. I have read your message to him and his reply to you. Straight guys won't exchange such kind of texts with each other (at least in my country, The Netherlands), taken into account his background and also your background. Any gay, in particular in your country, can easily read between the lines and can draw this conclusion.

I tend to think that it is a very good signal that he has send a reply to you. His reply is very kind and very friendly. I do think that you have some sort of obsession towards him [a crush] (same like you had such a crush towards your teacher).

So you might think about sending him a return message (something like 'thanks for your reply'), but you also have to think about some sort of follow-up, when you want to built up a real contact with him. Maybe he just has send you this reply because he is a kind and a friendly guy. So that does not mean that he has 'feelings' for you.

I fully agree with CupidBoy that it is not too difficult, at least in a country like the US and in various European countries, to make contacts with gays who are much older then you.

Good luck and feel free to react and/or ask additional questions.

Ganoderma: that was exactly what I thought! In my country as well as yours, although it’s possible, it’s not very usual that a straight guy share such a kind message with another man. It would be weird if a young straight guy sends such an affectionate message to an old man so I was really expecting him to notice that I liked him more than just as an actor…. But on the other hand, other guys who I have shown the message just told me that they thought I was being as nice as a regular fan could be. Would it be worth it if I say something more direct to him?

I don’t know if I should tell him that I have feelings and interest to have something with him or to just present myself as a friend and go slowly, because the first option could ruin everything and be very rushed, but in the other hand it could ignite some interest from him.

And the second option could just be ignored by him due he practically lives to work and he wouldn’t mind making time just to a random guy who wants to be his “friend”.

It’s very difficult for me to start and to keep friendships or something with people so this is even harder for me to deal with. If you could give some advice about anything of this that’d be great!

Hey. You're young. There will be a lot of chances for you to meet many people. Daddies included.

It is almost a given that the older guys will always hit on the young guys so you don't need to worry about running out of a supply

Take your time. The opportunity will present itself to you. Finish your school first and get a job. When you are already working and living independently, it is so much easier to do the things you want and look for the guys you want without your parents or anyone telling you what to do. Of course, it is also valuable to listen to more experienced people because that will prevent you from making too many mistakes or getting yourself into trouble or harm.

Live in the big cities. Buenos Aires, Montevideo, Mexico City, Lima, etc. There are a lot more gay guys there and you will soon have a social network of your own. Make friends - that is important. Do not go out with guys, young or old, that are emotionally insecure or jealous. If you both love each other, you both trust each other enough to go out with friends alone. He must be comfortable to introduce you to his friends and you must be comfortable enough to introduce him to your friends also otherwise your relationship will not be solid and it won't last long.

Let us know how it is going from time to time. Good luck! You can always ask the crowd here for advice. We love to give it

Bruce 379: thanks for your advice, it really made me laughed , but despite the “you had a life ahead of you” thing, I don’t want to wait more time, I’ve been lonely my whole life and I’d be nice if I could manage to get him to like me (although I don’t even know how I could do this) and have some partner in my life because this loneliness has become bigger over the years.

I actually live in a big capital city but only the young guys (20 – 35) are easy to find. Besides, people here are very prejudiced, they get carried away very easily by gossips and they can be really mean with gay people so if I start to hang out with a gay group of friends (my only gay friend lives in the US) my reputation would be ruined.

Thanks for your support and If you could give some advice of how could I flirt him up or if I should be direct with him that’d be really great.

Try to find ways to get to know older men in person. Your crushes are a distraction leading to fantasy. That causes a lot of wasted energy. If you're unsure where to start use the internet to search for gay support in your country and look for places where gay men might go like certain gyms or saunas.

Seasoned: I totally get you…for the last weeks I’ve been fantasizing with him (not on purpose) and it’s the only thing I can think of.

About the internet sites, I’ve searched but there were only young guys looking for other young guys. And that thing about saunas or gyms seems a little bit too risky and everyone there are just looking for a hook up and I not only want sex but a relationship.

[altlover85]

I would definitely tread with caution with this guy. You don't know his situation and it doesn't sound like either of you can really be out. If I were you, I would try and move to a more liberal state. If that's not possible, I would say be aware that you might not be able to have much of a relationship with an older man in a conservative country. Older guys tend to have a harder time coming out in conservative countries than younger ones.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I do wish you the best of luck. Buena suerte y abrazos!

[Ganoderma]

hi Relejandro12,

Thanks for your extensive reply and please excuse me for some delay in giving you an answer.

So you told us: "if I start to hang out with a gay group of friends my reputation would be ruined." I tend to think that you should realize yourself that this means that you will face difficulties as soon as you get a boyfriend and/or start with dating with a guy (or even start to become friends with any gay guy, old or young). Excuse me very much, but you won't be able to stay totally closeted and as well have some sort of social life with other gay people. Sooner or later, people around you will get some idea.

Besides that, people around you (including your family) will start to wonder why you don't have a girlfriend and why you don't seem to have alot of interest in girls. That's not a problem right now (as a student, you can always say that you are 'too busy with your study'), but people will start to wonder when you get older (or even offer to find a nice girl for you).


You also told us: "But my fear goes with (...) and that we may not have many things in common or maybe I couldn’t result very interesting to him." There is only one way to find out if you and any other [gay] guy have many things in common with each other, and that's through meeting each other in real life and spend time together in real life. So I have no idea, and this is also the case with him. No idea if he likes you, and if both of you are able to hold a conversation (etc.). People are different in almost any aspect and that's also the case for contacts / friendships / relationships between people with a large age gap. Some old guys can easily make contact with guys of around your age and know very well how to talk with guys like you, and have a pleasant time. Other old guys don't like it at all and don't have any interest in making contact with guys of around your age.

On the other hand people of around the same age who meet each other (or start dating with each other) face similar problems, as they will also have no idea beforehand if they have many things in common with each other and if the interest is mutual.


You told us: "for the last weeks I’ve been fantasizing with him (..) and it’s the only thing I can think of" and "I didn’t say I was in love." I tend to think that both quotes don't agree with each other and that you do have a crush on this guy. I have no idea which would be the best to do next, as I cannot predict his reaction. On the other hand, that's also the case for any other guy in a similar situation (irrelevant of the age of the 'crush'). Maybe you should wait on any 'event' (= something work related with him) and react on that? You told us about your friends who have also read your message to him. Any idea how these friends make contact with girls (assumed they are straight)?

Any idea if your US friend will visit you in the nearby future (have you met him already in real life?) and/or if you will visit him in the US?

Excuse me very much for my vague and incomplete reply, but its somehow tough for me to provide you with some good ideas.

Best wishes & feel free to react.

[brokegayguy]

First off, a lot of what you're saying is coming off as really desperate and needy. That's about the fastest way to lose a guy. Calm yo tits, gurl

Second, I find it odd that you call his response "cold." Here, let's look at something you wrote in the thread:

I’m really thankful for all your messages guys [...] and I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to all of you sooner due I’ve been kind of busy these days.

See where I'm going? You, a young 20 year old with a lot of free time, have trouble with a few responses on a forum. And you think an actual response to fanmail, something that goes unanswered maybe 99% of the time, to a letter with a picture of him which can easily be interpreted as straight-up stalkerish, you think he's being COLD? Dude get a grip

If you really want it that bad, then write another letter or try to meet him somehow. If he's in theater, going to a show wouldn't be too hard. And you can open with "hey, I'm the guy who sent you that letter with the picture."

Good luck.

[relejandro12]

hi Relejandro12,

Thanks for your extensive reply and please excuse me for some delay in giving you an answer.

So you told us: "if I start to hang out with a gay group of friends my reputation would be ruined." I tend to think that you should realize yourself that this means that you will face difficulties as soon as you get a boyfriend and/or start with dating with a guy (or even start to become friends with any gay guy, old or young). Excuse me very much, but you won't be able to stay totally closeted and as well have some sort of social life with other gay people. Sooner or later, people around you will get some idea.

Besides that, people around you (including your family) will start to wonder why you don't have a girlfriend and why you don't seem to have alot of interest in girls. That's not a problem right now (as a student, you can always say that you are 'too busy with your study'), but people will start to wonder when you get older (or even offer to find a nice girl for you).


You also told us: "But my fear goes with (...) and that we may not have many things in common or maybe I couldn’t result very interesting to him." There is only one way to find out if you and any other [gay] guy have many things in common with each other, and that's through meeting each other in real life and spend time together in real life. So I have no idea, and this is also the case with him. No idea if he likes you, and if both of you are able to hold a conversation (etc.). People are different in almost any aspect and that's also the case for contacts / friendships / relationships between people with a large age gap. Some old guys can easily make contact with guys of around your age and know very well how to talk with guys like you, and have a pleasant time. Other old guys don't like it at all and don't have any interest in making contact with guys of around your age.

On the other hand people of around the same age who meet each other (or start dating with each other) face similar problems, as they will also have no idea beforehand if they have many things in common with each other and if the interest is mutual.


You told us: "for the last weeks I’ve been fantasizing with him (..) and it’s the only thing I can think of" and "I didn’t say I was in love." I tend to think that both quotes don't agree with each other and that you do have a crush on this guy. I have no idea which would be the best to do next, as I cannot predict his reaction. On the other hand, that's also the case for any other guy in a similar situation (irrelevant of the age of the 'crush'). Maybe you should wait on any 'event' (= something work related with him) and react on that? You told us about your friends who have also read your message to him. Any idea how these friends make contact with girls (assumed they are straight)?

Any idea if your US friend will visit you in the nearby future (have you met him already in real life?) and/or if you will visit him in the US?

Excuse me very much for my vague and incomplete reply, but its somehow tough for me to provide you with some good ideas.

Best wishes & feel free to react.

Ganoderma, thanks for being so interested and for your reply.
Yeah, I know that I can’t hide being gay forever, but at least I think that with effort I could be seemed like a straight dude for a while longer and live my sexuality in my private life. I have straight friends who have gay friends and no one doubts about their sexuality, but what I meant is that if I wanted to expand my gay contacts I could not be part of a larger group of gay friends or go to gay places because the news would spread very easily and fast. I guarantee you that because as a “straight guy” I’ve heard how some of my friends gossip and make fun about some gay friends we have in common... and it’s just very discouraging. Anyways I’m not looking for gay friends right now; if they come and they are cool I have no problem to be friends with them.

My straight friends just go to clubs to meet girls or start chatting with friends in common trough Facebook…I don’t know what else. And about my US friend, he’s my best friend and he was born in my country, then he travelled to the US like 7 years ago and he’s still there studying. He came back 5 years ago for vacations and we bonded even more because he told me he was gay and vice versa (we are just best friends, nothing more). I’m actually talking with him about this too but unfortunately he is not being very helpful. (with all due respect, I don’t know why did you ask this )

I agree with you about the only way of founding things out is by meeting him, if I never try I’ll never know if we could both get a long and be interested in each other. I thought that before meeting him in real person I could chat with him a couple of times so we could get more comfortable. But my doubt is how to make the contact with him….. I don’t know how to proceed. As far as I can see I have 4 possible options:

1) Not talking to him at all. This would imply forgetting about him and get used to the idea that this is just an infatuation or crush (don’t really know the difference between those two) and that this will pass with time. However, I feel very strong things for him and I really want to have something with him.

2) Sending him another drawing with a short message and say nothing about my feelings. This advice was given to me by another user from JUB (60 years old) who was in a relationship with someone about my age and he seemed really wise. He told me that this would be a subtle way to show my interest on him so that he can realize it without turning him off by throwing myself at his feet or being too direct; this way he would be the one making the decision of starting a conversation if he is interested an let things flow.

3) Congratulate him for the play that he is doing and telling him something about how his gay character in the play was very inspiring. Kind of like option 2: put the ball in his court and giving him the control to proceed if he wants so.

4) Talking about how his gay character inspired me to not keep all these feeling I have for him inside and to encourage me to not stay with the regret of not acting out of fear and to tell him that I have feelings for him. This is the most direct option and leaving no rooms for doubts. It would be like a leap of faith, stating very clear that I want him and hoping he’s interested.

As you can see, the options go from one extreme to another, but I don’t know which could be the most accurate way to approach to him because each one has its pros and cons. He claims to be a very shy person despite his work and I don’t want to scare him away by throwing myself at his feet or sound to obsessed (option 4) but I don’t want to make the mistake of not being direct enough and that he thinks of me just as a fan (option 2 and 3).

If there’s another alternative that you find and that it’s escaping my sight or any other idea that you think might be effective please tell it to me, I’m all ears.

I’m really grateful for all your comments and I haven’t made a decision yet because I want to get as much information and advice as possible. I don’t want to fuck things up with him because this is really important to me and I’m trying to act and think with a cool head so thanks for all your words.

[altlover85]

One piece of advice, stop overthinking this situation.

I honestly think option 3 is the best one of the ones you have proposed. I would try to have a normal conversation with him and I would not immediately jump into how you have feelings for him. He doesn't really know you, so I think being friendly and moving slowly makes the most sense.

[Ganoderma]

hi relejandro12,

Thanks for your long and detailed answer and please excuse me for the delay in giving you a reply. Thanks for your detailed response about your gay friend. I was just curious if he was a guy you knew as well in real life, or if he was a guy you had never met in real life. It is good you have met him in real life, and its even better that he is also from your country, as this can mean he is able to understand your situation (and your background) quite well. On the other hand, he is not identical to you and that can also mean that his opinions / ideas are not identical to your ideas / opinions. Would you mind to tell us abit why you have the idea that he is not helpful in this particular situation? No need to provide us with details when you don't feel comfortable to do this.

I tend to think that #19 (altlover85) gave a very valuable advice what you should do. So please stop with overthinking this situation and I also agree with him that option 3 is the best one. The nickname 'altlover' provides insight in his background as well. #19 is totally right, the guy does not really know you, so you must take things easy and bit by bit. He is totally right that option 3 is by far the best one.

I would like to wish you good luck and once again please apologize me for the delay in giving you a reply.

Feel free to react and/or ask for additional help.

Best wishes & take care.

[relejandro12]

hi relejandro12,

Thanks for your long and detailed answer and please excuse me for the delay in giving you a reply. Thanks for your detailed response about your gay friend. I was just curious if he was a guy you knew as well in real life, or if he was a guy you had never met in real life. It is good you have met him in real life, and its even better that he is also from your country, as this can mean he is able to understand your situation (and your background) quite well. On the other hand, he is not identical to you and that can also mean that his opinions / ideas are not identical to your ideas / opinions. Would you mind to tell us abit why you have the idea that he is not helpful in this particular situation? No need to provide us with details when you don't feel comfortable to do this.

I tend to think that #19 (altlover85) gave a very valuable advice what you should do. So please stop with overthinking this situation and I also agree with him that option 3 is the best one. The nickname 'altlover' provides insight in his background as well. #19 is totally right, the guy does not really know you, so you must take things easy and bit by bit. He is totally right that option 3 is by far the best one.

I would like to wish you good luck and once again please apologize me for the delay in giving you a reply.

Feel free to react and/or ask for additional help.

Best wishes & take care.

Ganoderma, it’s ok if you take your time to respond I’m thankful to you for taking the time to do it so no worries.

Well, first of all, I think he’s not being very helpful because we are in different time zones and we can never talk for too much time. Besides, every time I write to him I send him a lot of information, like a whole paragraph or two and he just replies with three sentences or some words so I don’t get much of a feedback from him. At first, when I told him all of this he told me that he was sure he was gay for the reasons I exposed but that it was a little desperate for me to try to have something with him. He asked if I didn’t like guys my age (although I’ve told him I like older men).


It seemed like an infatuation or crush to him, which he thought wasn’t bad thing, but he asked said that if I managed to be with him and if he liked me, how much time could it pass before someone found out or before it appeared on the media? He also told me that we are still young and we have the rest of our lives to find out who is the person which we’ll spend our lives with, that I should stop searching and that eventually someone will come to me and it will be perfect. But then I explained that this is the first time I actually want to do something to attract someone and that I don’t want to spend my life waiting for love or something. I also said to him that if I ever started a relationship with someone it definitely would be with someone older like a daddy or a bear, so in any case I would be forced to keep my relationship secret. THEN he told me that, on a second thought he say that I actually sounded very enthusiastic and If I liked him so much I should go for it, but nothing else. All of this conversation happened in more or less than 10 days and with a lot of interruptions: he logged off in the middle of our conversation or he took like a day to answer something.

Part of me understands him because maybe I’m boring him with all of this but I’d like that he could be more willing to give some comments about this because he’s the only friend that I can talk about this with. So this is why I’m being so persistent, I want to get all the tips, advices and counseling that I can get so I have no doubts at the time I decide to act. I’m very introverted and I have never ever flirted or started a relationship with anybody so my head and my heart are spinning around way too fast and I don’t know what should I do and if this is a good idea…

About the options, the older wise man that suggested me to send him another drawing and to go slowly until he shows interest in me (option 4) told me that he thought option 3 would be too transparent and that actor could even think it’s a trap. He said that if he sees me as someone who has discovered that he’s gay and that I want to start something with him he could cut me off since maybe he wants to keep his privacy life secret and to avoid anyone notice he’s gay due he’s a public person and has a reputation to protect. I don’t know what you think about this…

By the way, what did you mean with the “altlover” nickname? I kind of got lost in the translation, something like alternative lover? Sorry, but I didn’t get it.

Once again I’m really GRATEFUL to all of you who had shown interest and who took the time to respond.

[relejandro12]

Update:


Hello… I wanted to update you on something that has happened recently about the actor issue because I’ve made a move and now I need advice because I can’t move on...


His birthday was on February 12th and I had planned to give him a really nice portrait as a present congratulating him and saying that he is someone special for me. I put a lot of effort in this drawing and it turned out to be one the best pieces I’ve done so far. It was a full color hyper-realistic portrait. Unfortunately, it took me way too much time to finish this and it was finally done after two weeks after his birthday due the amount of details and because I had several setbacks that delayed me.

Anyway… I sent him the message via facebook on February 28th about 2 am. I thought to send the message and the drawing so he could answer me the next day, but this is what happened:


- Me: “Mr. (last name) I know your birthday was last Wednesday 12 and I really wanted to greet you but your gift was not ready that day and it took me much longer time to finish it than I originally had planned. Anyway, I think it’s better late than never. I hope you like it, that you had a great day and I wish you many more years to come. I want you to know that I got you on my mind and that you are a very special person to me ...”


- Me: (After sending him the message I selected the portrait file and it started loading but it was way too big and while I waited, the check of “seen by the other person” appeared next to my message….so I started to get anxious because I wanted him to see everything at once, but then he answered...)


- Him: “Thank you very much, (my name). A hug.”


- Me: (I was so desperate for the file to finish loading because I thought that it wouldn’t have the same impact, or even worse: that it couldn’t be sent because it was taking so long… but at the end the portrait finished loading and I sent it to him. And then he answered again.)


- Him: “I like it a lot. Thank you very much. You are very gentle.”


- Me: (I was kind of happy that he liked it and the fact of knowing that he was “chatting” with me in real time thrilled me and made me a little nervous, but then I got anxious about the “conversation” finishing right there so in the heat of the situation I just wanted to say something else to keep the conversation going. So after thinking very fast I only managed to say the following line.)


- Me: “You deserve that and much more. Besides, it´s very fun to make a portrait especially when you have such a model.”


- Me: (He didn’t answer till the next day. And he just said…)


- Him: “Thanks. A hug.”


I feel that he was just answering out of courtesy, or just being polite but that he just wanted to end the conversation… And I also feel that I ruined the small chance I had with him (if I ever had one).

And the next day I just felt terrible and got very emotional listening to music… I didn’t cry since I was a child, but I did that night because I thought that it was really possible to have something with him… I delude myself with useless illusions and then I got hit by reality. I’m so tired that I have to develop such strong feelings for impossible or unreachable men and I’m so tired to put them on a pedestal in the sky, it’s so draining.

Now part of me is just giving up on him but the other part wants to keep fighting and burn my last shot by telling him everything that I feel (this way, no matter what happens I can at least know that I did everything that I could and that I let him know what I think about him). I thought that since March 27th is World Theatre Day I could send him another drawing or a message… I know I’m being obsessive about this but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now with all these feelings and the hopes that I had so I’d really like to know what you guys think, because I’m lost here.

[palbert]

To make what could be a long commentary short, I think you are obsessing over this man without any rational basis for the fascination to do so. This isn't even a real crush; it's a virtual crush. This gentleman is being just that, a gentleman, and trying to be courteous but distant in his replies to your rather obvious solicitations.

It is time for you to move on from what is essentially an imaginary love interest out of People magazine (by analogy).