Came out to mother but she told my father

**NYClover54** · July 2nd, 2013, 04:41 PM

So I finally came out to my mother indirectly yesterday and she told my father today. Shit hit the fan today basically and he's very upset. I didn't see him today but i feel the tension in the air. I didn't even want to come out to him until after med school. He is very closed minded but so far I don't think I will be thrown out of the house. My mom knows that my good friend is actually my boyfriend so at least we don't have to live a lie. I'm scared though about my future.

**kcboi** · July 2nd, 2013, 08:18 PM

hang in there... praying everything works out for you... can you live with your bf if things turn uglier at home... I am so sorry to hear this...

Kevin

**Seasoned** · July 2nd, 2013, 09:16 PM

I'm in shock that a parent with a son in medical school would have a concern about sexual orientation. Remind him you'll be the one looking after his well-being when the time comes.

**dragon08** · July 3rd, 2013, 12:07 AM

^^^^ Yes so much Yes

I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing this we are all here for you

**aaggii** · July 3rd, 2013, 01:43 AM

Sorry if it affects you, but your dad is an idiot, at this moment in life; I won´t even start pointing out why.. Talk with your dad, say to him that you love him and he´ll always be your father (etc etc) and you don´t want to ruin your relationship with him over something that doesn´t affect him in any way. And that you learn from him to handle situations like an adult and you´d like him to act like an adult again with what only HE sees a problem. See how it goes, get ready for some distance in the close future or so and then see if he can get over it.

**aaggii** · July 3rd, 2013, 01:45 AM

Originally Posted by Seasoned

I'm in shock that a parent with a son in medical school would have a concern about sexual orientation. Remind him you'll be the one looking after his well-being when the time comes.

As true as this is, remember that his dad seems to be a homophobe and this answer has a big chance of bringing distance between them.

**Benvolio** · July 3rd, 2013, 04:38 AM

You Dad thinks it is your choice. That belief lies at the heart of all the parental disapproval of gay sons. When you talk to your Dad, emphasize that you did not choose to be gay, that you absolutely cannot choose not to be gay, that no one knows why some are gay and some not, but that it is not his fault and it is not your fault.
Part of being a good parent is helping their children to make good decisions which will affect the rest of their lives. If being gay were a choice, it would not be the best choice. Things have improved, but gays still face discrimination and stigma. From your Dad's view point, deciding to be gay is a little like leaving medical school to become a drummer in a mediocre rock band.
And your parents want a nice life for you; beautiful wife, children, good profession, nice house, etc. He sees you choosing to give that up in favor of what?

**Rolyo85** · July 3rd, 2013, 10:41 AM

I would go as far as saying that you should make it clear that not only is it not a choice, but if it WERE, you'd STILL not choose to be straight because that feels unnatural to you.

Frankly, I am thankful that I live on the 7th floor. If I woke up straight one day, I have an exit strategy.

**Benvolio** · July 3rd, 2013, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by Rolyo85

I would go as far as saying that you should make it clear that not only is it not a choice, but if it WERE, you'd STILL not choose to be straight because that feels unnatural to you.

Frankly, I am thankful that I live on the 7th floor. If I woke up straight one day, I have an exit strategy.

Don't say that if you want to reconcile with your father. It will alienate him further and make you sound perverse, or mentally ill.

**Rolyo85** · July 3rd, 2013, 06:24 PM

I am sorry, what? Someone liking being gay sounds "perverse or mentally ill"? I am sorry, but I believe you should get the fuck out of this forum and stop giving people advice if THAT's how you feel about being gay...

**Benvolio** · July 3rd, 2013, 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by Rolyo85

I am sorry, what? Someone liking being gay sounds "perverse or mentally ill"? I am sorry, but I believe you should get the fuck out of this forum and stop giving people advice if THAT's how you feel about being gay...

Nonsense. Read it again. Jumping out a window because you find you are straight???

**Rolyo85** · July 3rd, 2013, 06:33 PM

Obvious exaggeration. What it stands for is:

"This is me, and I love it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Anything else but who I am now, would be a travesty, whether it's the way the majority is (straight) or something quirkier like zoophilia."

If you make excuses and act like it's something tragic that you're simply unable to fix, that's how everyone will perceive you - as damaged. But you are not. Being gay is wonderful, empowering and just as much worth of respect and love as being straight. Do not make excuses for it. Ever.

**Benvolio** · July 3rd, 2013, 07:04 PM

If he wants to reconcile with his parents, he needs them to know the truth, that he did not choose to be gay.

**Rolyo85** · July 3rd, 2013, 08:21 PM

No doubt. As well as the truth that being gay is not a disease, or a genetic disorder, but a wonderful state of being that while he didn't choose, he is perfectly happy with. Otherwise "I didn't choose this" turns into an excuse, which it should never ever be.

**Ganoderma** · July 4th, 2013, 05:30 AM

my dear NYClover54,

Good you have told your mother that you are gay and that your 'best friend' is your boyfriend. I tend to think that your mother is supportive and I would like to advise you that you concentrate right now on keeping a good relationship with your mother. Likely, you will feel right now very relaxed that you don't need to hide/ly anymore to your mother about yourself and about the type of friendship you have with your 'good friend'.

So don't focus too much about your dad. Maybe he will need some time to get used to the idea that you are gay, but maybe he will not change his opinions about gay people (= about you). Well, you cannot force him to change his opinion.

I agree with Rolyo85 that you should try to live according to the idea "being gay is not a disease, or a genetic disorder, but a wonderful state of being that while he didn't choose, he is perfectly happy with."

In fact, I think you will be quite happy right now, as you don't need to ly/hide anymore to your mother, and as you also have a boyfriend. So go on with your life, and don't look backwards too much.

How about the situation at your med school? Am I right that people over there don't care if students are gay, straight or anything in between? Are your fellow students and other people at your school aware that you are gay? If this is the case, concentrate on them and on people who are supportive (or who don't care if you are gay).

Good luck, and please keep us informed.

**NYClover54** · July 4th, 2013, 07:26 AM

I'm actually a jr in college and not in med school at the moment but will be in two years. Sorry for the confusion ! Anyway, it's as if nothing happened around here. Sure there is some tension in the air between my father and I but I have a feeling it will disappear in time. Right now I'm just focusing on my money situation for my school by not bringing it up with my dad. My mom is still in disbelief and confusion but again it will probably pass hopefully !

**Rolyo85** · July 4th, 2013, 09:32 AM

Just make sure they don't revert to denial. Some parents try that.

**Ganoderma** · July 5th, 2013, 01:52 PM

Thanks for the update, and no problem at all for the confusion. I tend to think that you should give them some time to get used to the fact that you won't bring home a girlfriend. I mean, I will have taken you alot of time to accept for yourself that you are gay, and it also took you alot of time to tell them that you are gay. I hope that I am right that your parents just need some time to digest the new situation, and that they will get used to the idea.

Best wishes & good luck, and please don't hesitate to ask additional questions (etc.).

Take care.

**NYClover54** · July 5th, 2013, 06:33 PM

my mom told me today that when my boyfriend comes over i shouldn't be affectionate with him in front of her

i told her so it's ok if my sister and her boyfriend kiss and cuddle and she said that's different

**syoBsUtsuJ** · July 5th, 2013, 06:34 PM

Not that it's of any consolation, but I'm 30, and my mom is still successfully deluding herself into believing that I am merely just going through a[n experimental] phase. She held the reigns to my trust until I turned 25, and now I'm free as a bird.

I love her, I love my step-dad (whom has always been supportive), and I love their misguided ideals. We as a culture, as a society need to move forward.

**Ganoderma** · July 6th, 2013, 01:27 PM

hi NYClover54,

Thanks for the feedback. Well, the good news is that you are officially allowed to take with you your boyfriend to the home of your parents, and that your mother has no told you that he is not allowed to visit you (anymore). So this means that your mother is accepting that you have a boyfriend. I tend to think that you should consider this as a step towards accepting that you are a gay guy. I mean, she could also have choosen to tell you that you should stop with him, and in stead should start to look around for a girlfriend.

How about your sister and her boyfriend? Are they aware that you are gay, and are both of them supportive? I hope that both are supportive (to you, and also to your boyfriend), as this can also make things easier for your mom and dad to accept that you are a gay guy (with a nice boyfriend, who is on good terms with your sister and her boyfriend).

Good luck, and definately bring him home (as soon as possible). Maybe you should start 'low profile' with being affectionate with him (there are ofcourse many ways), and remember that its the house of your parents (and not yours).

Feel free to react and/or ask additional questions.

The coming out forum is a no-flame zone.

The coming out forum is a no-flame zone. Disagreements should be limited to constructive alternative points of view, or even devil's advocate, without overly dogmatic/judgmental responses to someone's opinion, actions, or life-decisions.

Thread: Came out to mother but she told my father

Thread Tools

Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Re: Came out to mother but she told my father

Posting Permissions