What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

[ilovejstrokesdonk]

What would you do if you were dating this guy for about two weeks or so, you guys only had sex once since dating, and you think everything is good until you and the guy run into some of his friends, and he introduces you as his bro (friend/buddy). Then when you ask him what's up with him introducing you as just a friend to his friends, he tells you that he hasn't come out to any of his family, friends, & associates yet…then he tells you he really like you and everything, and he wants to keep seeing you but could you guys relationship be a secret for now….. Would you break up with him? What would you do?

I asked this question because I have a friend who is experiencing the situation as we speak, and he asked me what he should do. I don't want to tell him to break up with this guy because I know for a fact that he is really into this guy, and me and him both know how hard and scary it could be coming out of the closet to people, but my friend being an very affectionate person who very often like to express PDA might have a hard time dating a closeted homosexual. My friend also told me that when they would be in public he (the guy) would shy away from any PDA, but my friend just thought that maybe the guy wasn't a fan of PDA like a lot of people we know.

[xbuzzerx]

Tell your friend it's only ever going to be booty calls and if he's not okay with that move on.

[ilovejstrokesdonk]

Tell your friend it's only ever going to be booty calls and if he's not okay with that move on.

I never met the guy I've only seen a picture of him that my friend took of them together so I can't judge him based on other closeted homosexual actions, but I agree with you to a certain extent because I have been a booty call for a few closeted homosexuals & “Str8 Guys”, and I know it may sound stupid but I loved it because the sneaking around gave me such a rush…..but anyway my friend isn't like me he really cares for this dude!!!!

[Ohiospeedo]

Does your friend's guy plan on coming out of the closet anytime soon? And I also think it depends on where you guys live, if it is somewhere conservative - then it isn't a problem. I just think that your friend shouldn't try to push him out of the closet. Just try the relationship for several months and see where it goes from there.

[HunterM]

If the sex is HOT...I would keep him. When do people automatically become boyfriend/girlfriend after dating for only 2 weeks??? That is still in the casual dating phase. Casual dating means I can still date/sleep/fuck other people as I please. Casual dating does not mean an exclusive committed relationship.

[hylas]

fucking around with closeted guys is fine for me, but it will never go any further.

[sixthson]

How old are they? The advice you give would likely be different if they are 40 than if 18. Also, is the guy new to a gay relationship?
There are too many unknowns for us to give good advice.

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

ask ya lands awsum folk wot make all thangs fit their shoes
fa labull

fit this dude ma bed
like a wife husband

save awsum 1st world public debate till end a days their thumbs

there go

thankyou

[G-Lexington]

Maybe his company and the sex (even at once every two weeks) is worth keeping it quiet for the time being. How long the wait might be - a month? six months? six years? - probably will be a factor too.

Lex

[palbert]

Grow up. Move on.

[loveguys72]

Two weeks isn't very long. They're still in the getting to know you phase. I'd encourage your friend to have an honest conversation with his bf and find out whether and when he plans on coming out. Depending on the answers, your friend will have some decisions to make.

[Rolyo85]

A relationship with a closeted guy does not work, period. A "relationship" is not some isolated thing that you can sever from the rest of your life. It is a part of a much larger social interaction, and it can't survive without being a part of it. That's why relationships where one or both of the guys is in the closet, is doomed, unless there is a very specific and immediate plan to come out. But if it's just "the way it is", the "for now" is nothing but pretense, and your friend will never be satisfied.

He should drop the guy if he has any desire for anything more than DL hook ups.

[Seasoned]

It wasn't that long ago that most gay relationships were closeted. Times obviously have changed but I'd go along for the ride as long as he has some plan for coming out. Some people need a boyfriend to muster up their courage. There's no "one size fits all" answer.

[FanofFiction]

Two weeks is not long at all. I was going out with my man for a year and a half before he came out. You can't force people out of the closet, but you shouldn't let them stay in there too long either. Acting too quickly or not as all can be damaging to that person's mind.

[Rolyo85]

It wasn't that long ago that most gay relationships were closeted. Times obviously have changed but I'd go along for the ride as long as he has some plan for coming out. Some people need a boyfriend to muster up their courage. There's no "one size fits all" answer.

With all due respect, the time you're talking about was not safe for anyone to be out, and it was the standard. It isn't anymore, and the social context is dramatically different. The entire mainstream culture supports us and to hide NOW is - to me - criminal.

[ixthrock]

The entire mainstream culture supports us...

False. Well, an exaggeration, at least. Maybe the guy plays for the 49ers? Things are a lot different, yes, but I still don't think it's time to fire up the Virginia Slim. ("you've come a long way, baby")

Westboro Baptist Church hasn't totally imploded because, I believe, they just have the balls to say what a lot of people believe deep down in their hearts. We're still just Amos and Andy - or Prissy and Mammy - to the media.

Coming out -and not just coming out, but living out - is the most important thing any of us can do. Who gives a fuck if your mom accepts you if it just means your closet's big enough to include her and your bffs. Any guy I date will come to understand how and why I feel this way - to make it easier for frightened guys like him to learn how to make it easier for others.

[Rolyo85]

@ ixthrock - That's why I said "mainstream culture". Society has yet to fully accept us, and I'm aware that it is pretty shitty for LGBTs in many places in the country. But the trend is definitely in our favor and has been for years now.

@ JWaggy - Nothing militant about it. I believe there are very few legit reasons to stay in the closet. Would I force anyone out? Hell no. But to try and have the cake and eat it from inside, that's just pathetic to me. If people on GRINDR (which is full of closet cases) can say "it's 2013, have a fucking face pic", I think gay guys should be able to fight their fear too, when they want something real out of life.

[The_Reaper]

I've been dating by boyfriend for almost four years; he's out to his friends, and I've met one of his four siblings, but I've never met anyone else in his family. It's a bit disappointing after four years, given that he's met my parents and grandparents many times, but I can understand his reasoning. He's not very close with his parents and some of the other siblings, and he feels more like they're friends than family.

I'm sure he'll tell them incidentally at some point, but for now, he really feels like he doesn't owe it to them to have to come out. And I completely understand, given his family history. If your friend's beau is in the same kind of situation, then I'd support offering support and not pressing the issue. If he doesn't have strong reasons for not letting his family and friends know about himself, then it might be worth advising caution and perhaps seeking a different path.

[LeicsDom]

Why is it so very important that the guy comes out?
In the past I have had relationships with closeted guys. OK the public dynamic is different but I have never been into PDA so it made little difference to me

[Kahaih]

. . . . . If people on GRINDR (which is full of closet cases) can say "it's 2013, have a fucking face pic", I think gay guys should be able to fight their fear too, when they want something real out of life.

? ? ? ? ?

Please tell me that you are not suggesting that all gay men should live by the rules of a handful of whores on a hookup site.


Actually, I have no idea what you’re trying to say with that line.

[FanofFiction]

I remember it being really difficult and hurtful when I was introduced as his "friend" to everyone. It sucked. I was pushed back into the closet whenever we were around my man's friends/family. I could handle it really easy at first, but after 6 months it just felt ridiculous. But I loved him and saw it through. Now he is out and proud! Everyone comes out in their own time... but sometimes they do need a GENTLE push. It's worth the wait when they do come out.

[Beachguyj]

It it's a good guy which is very hard to find I would say accept the situation. As long as the 2 of you know you are dating what does it matter what everyone else has to know about it.

[Audio Tech]

I remember it being really difficult and hurtful when I was introduced as his "friend" to everyone. It sucked. I was pushed back into the closet whenever we were around my man's friends/family. I could handle it really easy at first, but after 6 months it just felt ridiculous. But I loved him and saw it through. Now he is out and proud! Everyone comes out in their own time... but sometimes they do need a GENTLE push. It's worth the wait when they do come out.

I wish I had met someone much earlier that was willing to give ME that gentle push. But I didn't.
Knowing that, I'm perfectly willing to give someone else that time and support. But.... not indefinitely.

[PreTTy PeTe]

If you respect someones right to come out and be proud then you also respect their right to stay in the closet.

who knows why? he probably does not know why.

stand back and nudge him out a little bit at a time.

[Ganoderma]

What would you do if you were dating this guy for about two weeks or so, you guys only had sex once since dating, and you think everything is good until you and the guy run into some of his friends, and he introduces you as his bro (friend/buddy). Then when you ask him what's up with him introducing you as just a friend to his friends, he tells you that he hasn't come out to any of his family, friends, & associates yet…then he tells you he really like you and everything, and he wants to keep seeing you but could you guys relationship be a secret for now….. Would you break up with him? What would you do?

hi ilovejstrokesdonk,

I lwould like to advise to your friend that he should not worry about PDA in public. People are different, and that's also the case for PDA in public situations, and it has nothing to do with being gay or straight.

I tend to think that, sooner or later, it will become obvious that X (the closet case) is spending alot of time with his new friend (Y), and that Y is gay guy. This will especially be the case when Y (your friend) is not hiding that he is gay / pretending that he likes girls (etc.). Y can also introduce X to his friends / family, etc. Why not? In my opinion, people around X will find out / get some clues, as its right now not anymore 1965 (or so), but 2013.

See how things are developing each other. Maybe X just needs some extra time to open the door of his closet. On the other hand, having a boyfriend can also be a way to open the door (even without telling people), as, sooner or later, it will become obvious that X and Y are a couple.

Good luck, and feel free to react.

[voyager1994]

It's only been two weeks, it's not yet time to have one of those serious talk about relationships. Tell your friend to just enjoy the dating and sex for now, and get to know each other better.

[Ninja108]

It's only a couple of weeks. Give it time before you make a choice.

[hylas]

i think its legitimate for people to stay in the closet, for a number of reasons. perhaps they are still young, and financially dependant on their homophobic parents. perhaps they live in rural areas, or conservative countries. perhaps they have a very conservative cultural background. or perhaps theyre on the brink of coming out - not just talking about it and procrastinating, but actually working on it - and they just need a little more time. so really, i wouldnt judge closteted men in a generalized way.

however, i normally wouldnt date a closeted man, for my own reasons. it would put me halfway back into the closet myself, and thats not a compromise im willing to make. it also means that id be with somebody whod rather give in to social pressures than stand by me, and thats kind of a big deal. and closeted men are usually insecure, inexperienced, and immature... not "boyfriend material".

[Ganoderma]

It's only been two weeks, it's not yet time to have one of those serious talk about relationships. Tell your friend to just enjoy the dating and sex for now, and get to know each other better.

^^^^^ This is a very good advise. Maybe the closeted guy will change his opinion when he will experience that open gay guys (like you friend) are relaxed people who don't need to fear / hide about their real identity.