Am I a bad person?

[rudeboy]

My dad completely destroyed our family but I'm almost in peace with myself because towards the end of winter 2011, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and as of now, his kidneys are damaged and there's nothing medicine can do about that. The doctor said that he's in the final stage of his cancer which means that he could die any time. For me, this is God's wrath for everything he's done to all of us. Don't think he's become a saint. He's even worse than he used to be, I really don't understand who the fuck he thinks he is.

I'm so thrilled because I know his death will be painful. Some people might think I don't have a heart or I'm evil, but you guys have no idea.

I don't want to reveal too much!!! But when my mom met him, EVERYONE (including strangers) told her to not marry this man. People would come up to her to tell her that this piece of shit is a drunk ass thief and a pure definition of bum. My grandfather didn't want him to marry my mom. Plus, he's ugly! When I say ugly, I really mean ugly inside and out!! If you're ugly outside, at least try to be pretty inside. My mom was so pretty, literally a real life model. She could've done so much better.

As soon as he married my mom and got her pregnant, he stopped working!! For him. he didn't have to work since my mom had a nice job and could support him for free. Instead, he devoted his life to alcohol. My mom changed his life, bought him a car and gave him everything he ever wanted. Even though he used to beat her, they managed to have four kids and I'm the third one. I remember when I was younger, he'd piss in my mom's car because he was too drunk and my mom was mad. I didn't know what was happening back then. He barely started working again when I turned 10 or so. Did I mention I was the third child? My older sister was 14 when he finally decided to work again.

How can I even start to describe him? He likes ordering people. When he gives an order you must obey, otherwise he WILL GO BERSERK and start insulting you and make you feel like you worth nothing!! I've always hated him ever since I can remember. My hatred grew even more when he started cheating on my mom. Not once, but several times!!

My mom promised us that she'd file for divorce and save some money to find another place, so we won't have to see him again and we will finally be a big happy family. But then, she forgave him and got back together.

I wanted to kill myself! I felt so betrayed, i just couldn't believe it! I was 16 when it happened, I just found a job and started saving my money so I could runaway or move to Toronto as soon as I turn 18. He made my life like hell, there were some days that I really wanted to take my life away. He knows he can't put his hands on me because it'll be more than I pleasure for me to sue him. He'd psychologically attack me and my mom has never done anything to stop him. I completely secluded myself in high school! I'm more open today, but then again, I can't trust anybody. No wonder why I don't have real friends nor a boyfriend.

In summer 2011 just before I turn 18, I started getting along with my mother again and she convinced to not move away. She said that I should stay at her house at least until I graduate from college so I won't have to work too much. Biggest mistake of my life!! I enrolled in college and there went most of my savings...

Summer 2011 was also when my mom's "husband" health condition aggravated. I was 100% sure that he was going to finally die that summer that's why I took my mother's proposition into consideration.

Later on, my mom harassed me to get along with this piece of shit. Thank God, I always listen to my instincts and didn't give in. I can't believe I almost started to feel bad for him. He did everything in his power to drive my sister nuts so she'd move out of the house because she didn't want to give him money. He actually succeeded and turned my mom against my sister, she just couldn't take it anymore and moved to her own placed last November. Guess what? I'm his new target!! He's doing everything in his power to get me kicked out of my mother's house because I hate him with a burning passion. Unfortunately for him, he can't kick me out of this house because he doesn't pay the rent. He said, "I'LL MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE TILL YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE JUST LIKE I DID WITH THE OTHER ONE. ("the other one" is my sister)" He said that in front of my mom and she didn't even say anything. My mom treats him like a God, she worships his every move.

He calls me names, like fag, dumb faggot, idiot, etc. I'll never ever treat my children like garbage. I'm even on the process of changing my last name, I can't let my future children have his name.

I cannot wait for his death, it'll bring so much joy into our family. Does it make me a bad person? I'm 19 now just so you know.

[Passiveboy]

Nope yr not a bad person at all my dad was a drunk and a ass hole put our family thro hell ill not goin to detail but he had been in prison twice. I stopped talking to him as rest of my family my mum divorced him he was homeless and out on the streets drinking with all the hobos I would see him and walk past him or cross the road to avoid him he tried suicide many times which he failed at many times but he eventually died of a heart attack maybe 7- 8 years ago I'm not sure could be less or even longer its just shows how much I care lol but he died alone with no family at his funeral I don't even no we're he is buried and I don't care I've never cried and ether of my family so no I don't think yr a bad person and who's says blood thicker than water I think it's crap really you can choose yr friends but not yr family

[csb999]

thinking family politics relationships . Starting to think women-mothers should take more responsibility-blame for getting into relationships that are clearly injurious to their own children . Your mother had the duty to protect and defend her children and did not . The reason you stayed together as a group was solely because of her decision . Possibly thinking of my own family , my father became nasty bitter obnoxious but if he ever did one thing to us ( I project ) my mother would have hurt him . I am the same I think , maybe wimpy victim material but when it comes down to defending someone else I lose it . If your mother did nothing to you herself she subjected her children to abuse totally for her own reasons .

[KaraBulut]

Your story is like a lot of children of alcoholics- the constant hope that the situation will get better and the constant disappointment that it never does.

But there's also a saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

At some point, you have to let it go and get on with your life. Hopefully, your father will pass and that letting go process can begin.

[tigerfan482]

I don't think anyone can judge you and your feelings towards this situation. Only someone who has been through what you have can really understand what it's like and what kind of relief ANYTHING that rids you of the problem brings. I will tell you personally that I don't fault you at all for feeling the way you do and I definitely wouldn't judge you as a bad person. It sounds like you went through a lot of shit because of this guy and now karma has caught up with him. So go ahead and feel how you want to feel. You're certainly entitled to it given what you've had to deal with.

[loveguys72]

Getting some gal knocked up doesn't make a guy a father. You have a lot of anger and resentment towards this person, and it seems to be justified. I would only counsel you not to allow yourself to be consumed by it. Your best course of action would be to dismiss the man from your life and you thoughts. Wasting any mental energy at all on him is only giving him what he wants, which is attention. Ignore him as much as possible while he's alive, and promptly forget him once he's dead.

You should also get away from your mom for a while. Not that she's a bad person, but she was the key to allowing this whole drama to go on for so long.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace.

[Seasoned]

You have serious issues with your mother and father. Alcoholism is a family illness that won't go away with his death. You need treatment because the effects of this illness will be with you the rest of your life. Alcoholism and co-dependency are more likely to affect you as the child of an alcoholic and co-dependent.

At the very least do get to a bookstore and look through the self-help section. Specifically, look for books on the topic of ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Good luck to you.

[nycguydowntown]

When I hear these sad stories I think the only good thing that came out of this fool was you--which proves no matter how horrible the person there is some reason for their existence.

[Rolyo85]

There's no good or bad here, but you should examine your own demons because living with this type of abusive person always creates some, and you don't want your life to be marked by him even after he's died.

[ElmosToe]

Coming from an abusive father myself, I can say I completely understand where you are coming from. My dad not only verbally and emotionally abused us kids, he just flat beat the crap out of us all the time. He used wooden paddles, old leather belts, sharpened tree twigs to intentionally sting more. He wouldn't just "spank" us, we're talking 40 lashes across your bare ass, legs and back. You would have cuts, welts, bruises, blisters. His motto was always, "I'll hit you so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week!" and he actually succeeded. After he was done with a senseless beating you literally could not sit down for about 5 days without being in pain.
My dad did a lot of shit, he raped my sister, molested my other sister, raped me, cheated on my mom multiple times, lead a secretive group he dragged us into involved in satanic ritual abuse, I could go on....

Fast forward to the present and I don't really talk to him, it's more of a civil communication now, he knows what he did and it burns at him like someone shoving a hot poker up his ass so far he can feel it in his throat. Truth is though, my dad is bat shit crazy and just for my own sanity and to be a normal healthy adult male, I can't associate with him or let all those things he did to me as a child dictate who I am today. I had to take a step back and realize all the crap my sisters and I went through was most likely done to him and it's his own mental illness that motivated his psychotic actions against his family, nothing to do with me or my sisters or my mom or my family, nothing to do with reality. His view of what he saw as reality is skewed by his own mental anguish that he's never dealt with passed down from his own crazy parents.

His mental illness does not control me or affect me, it makes me feel sorry for him, makes me want to forgive him because he doesn't know any better. His evil will not hold power over who I am as a man and in fact makes me a better man than he will ever hope to become.

Often times I equate my relationship with my father to Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Ironically Luke is who I saw myself being like as a kid and Star Wars was my favorite movie(s) and toy. The redemption of my father has not come yet, I fear that it may never come in the way I'd hope because mentally he is so far detached from reality it's pretty much beyond any possible moment of clarity for a resolution.

Just realize that holding anger and resentment towards someone who does not deserve to be given the satisfaction of even being thought about let alone wasting your breath on does no good for you. There has to be a point where you need to let it go and put it on all him because his view of reality is so fucked up and so far beyond what is actually true.

Why let him win? By choosing to have so much hatred towards him is exactly what he wants you to have and you being in such mental anguish is exactly what he wants to see with you. Again I go back to the Star Wars analogy. What was the essential thing Vader and the Emperor wanted from Luke? For Luke to give in to his hate and anger so he could be easily swayed to the dark side.

That's what happened with my father, but I won. I didn't give in to all the mental torment, hate and anger I had towards him, I let it go because I promised myself I would never be like my father and I knew if I gave in to all that hate, anger and resentment, I would turn out just like him. So I went through 15 years of therapy and let it go, I put it all back on him and realized his mental illness does not have to define me as a person, nor does it have to dictate who I am as a man today.

Wishing someone dead may sound nice, but it's your father talking when you think like that.
He sounds like he may be so blinded by his own mental illness, he probably does not understand what he is doing, I would hope that you would at least pray that he wakes up to reality and seeks forgiveness before he finally does go, for your own sanity's sake.

Hopefully you will find your peace and rise from the ashes.

[r0ckst4r]

Die, die, die, die!!!!!! I don't like him after what he has done to your family and you. I hope he burns and rots in hell!!!

[Durango95]

No you're not a bad person. You're a hurt person. You're an angry person. You're a disappointed bewildered despondent person. You are reacting the way anyone would.

It sounds like your dad is a psychologically damaged individual. People aren't born damaged as a rule. They become damaged. I would advise you to not let him and his behavior damage you to the same extent. I don't think anyone would expect you to ignore his behavior or the effects it has already had on your life. That being said, reveling in his demise is only going to hurt you. Don't go down that road. There is little chance of returning from where it leads. When he dies just be relieved by the fact that it is over.

Your family dynamic sounds very complex. Sometimes it is best to simplify things. Move out if you can. Whether you can or can't, set boundaries with your mother. Set goals and advance forward.

[kibashyho]

Your a great person tell you inner voice to shhh <3