Frustrating new year's eve

[Skifast]

Hi everybody

Despite of progressing with my internal coming out, I still seem not to be ready to come out externally. Yesterday evening, I was at a new year's eve party, it happened to me (like quite some times before with other girls) that the sister of one of my frieds obviously found me very attractive and approached me in an explicit way. Me on my side, I was completely defenseless, I could have told her that I was gay, but I just did not have the nerves to do that. At 34 I'm still in the closet, obviously I'm pretty good in suppressing my being gay. Only in the last two years I started to admit to myself and accept that I'm gay (I had suspicions starting at 16, when I lost my verginity, even though I dismissed this as a passing phase) and I met only once some gay people to whom I was open. After today's experience I felt totally miserable - my only escape was to covertly leave the party, which was totally frustrating.

Did you make similar experiences? How common is it to be still in the closet at 34? How did you feel before you made the big step and came out?

I think my family (mother and older brother, my dad died a few years ago) would be fairly accepting, despite of my mom's continuous expectation/request to become grandmother and the fairly conservative background. In addition, I'm financially totally independent, successful in my career - I'm an R&D line manager in a high tech company. On one hand I don't seem to have the nerves to make the first big step, on the other hand I start to feel like I don't give a sh... who could figure out I'm gay.

Sorry for the long post, I just had a strong need to explain my situation.

Kind regards
D

[72-Jay]

Have no idea how common is it to still be closeted at 34, but my guess is its fairly common especially depending on family's accepting-ness / where you live / work / etc.

I will state that I'm 40 & still closeted...its only been in the past couple years that I've become fully accepting to myself (or you could say internally coming out).

I've met/known very few gay people in my lifetime, a couple of them were co-workers, one was a member here.
The only things I've ever done that could be considered 'gay' is went to a gay-pride festival.

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum.

I wouldn't worry about comparing yourself to others in terms of the correct time to come out. I'd concentrate instead on what is going to make your life easier and more authentic.

There have been times when I had been tempted to turn down a woman by telling her that I was gay, but in actuality there's no reason to provide an excuse when someone comes on to you. No, thank you, suffices. Straight people turn down straight people and gay people turn down gay people everyday by just saying no.

There's no inherent shame in being gay. If we feel shame it's because we have allowed it in. In actuality, gay is the other normal.

Wishing you the best in 2013.

[rareboy]

What Seasoned just wrote. Sums it up very nicely.

The first thing is to be out at work. You don't have to throw a parade or a party...sometimes just a rainbow something in your office will be enough of a clue. Talk about your guy friends when others talk about their significant others.

Start taking a guy friend to social events as your plus one.

I think the more comfortable you are in being an out homo in your day to day life...the easier it will be to let your parents know.

[KaraBulut]

There's a little bit of irony to the story of wanting to avoid the interested woman by telling her that you're gay. For once, being gay could be used as a means of avoidance.

And avoidance is the theme, isn't it?

Now you've you've admitted it to yourself, isn't it time that you allowed the people around you to get to know you?

[jensu846]

at 34, and not having a girlfriend or wife, usually tells people for you that you are gay. They probly already suspect it anyway, so it wont be as big of a deal as you think when you come out.
Before I came out at 27, I remember once at a work party we all had at a hotel suite and there was this girl that told everybody she liked me and needed their help in getting me into the bedroom part of the suite so we could have sex.. I was tipped off about their plan ahead of time but went to the party anyway. I went along with it to avoid looking gay. I mean I went into the room with her, my coworkers locked the door and it was just me and her. I never touched her, and made up some story like I was way too drunk and didnt feel good. It was hella awkward, and even more awkward when I left and all the coworkers asked her what had happened. Some asked me why I didnt do anything with her. It looked horribly suspicious. So I get what you mean about how frustrating it is.
I came out about a year after that incident and everybody said they already knew it anyway. So I was really only fooling myself and regret waiting so long to do it. I hope you can come to terms with it and realize youre not getting any younger and you need to start being yourself so you can be happy mentally, sexually, & psychologically. It does get better and youll kick yourself for missing all that time you could have had. good luck!

[jaysizzles]

Seems to me you are ready to start coming out. Imagine how much more enjoyable this new year's would have been if you were out, and instead of it being a woman that was interested in you, it were a nice guy. You still may have left the party early, but it wouldn't have been alone.

I think it is more common than most people realize for gay men of all ages to be closeted. Change can be frightening...fear of the unknown, fear of being rejected, fear of being the topic of gossip, etc. It seems safe and the easy way out to live a secret life, but it's really not. It's work, and it sucks. It sucks watching others live their lives while you "covertly" sit on the sidelines or feel the need to leave a party early because you're uncomfortable or sad. It's hard work living the pretense. There just comes a time where you have to say "enough!" It's so liberating to not live a lie. Sure, you'll be the topic of conversation for a spell, but that'll soon become yesterday's news. And, perhaps some of your friends and family will reject you or have a problem with it, but that's their problem, not yours. It's not all sunshine and roses, but at least you can be the person that you want to be and live the life you want...which is easier than constantly being on your guard.

I say start the process slowly...tell one person that you are closest to. Each person after that is easier to talk to. There is no need to tell everyone you meet or work with either...many situations it is ok to leave your sex life/personal business private.

Happy New Year and all the best to you.

[Skifast]

..., but my guess is its fairly common especially depending on family's accepting-ness / where you live / work / etc.

...which is pretty sad, really. No one should have to worry about coming out.

[Skifast]

I wouldn't worry about comparing yourself to others in terms of the correct time to come out. I'd concentrate instead on what is going to make your life easier and more authentic.

Good idea, I'll try to follow that advice.

There have been times when I had been tempted to turn down a woman by telling her that I was gay, but in actuality there's no reason to provide an excuse when someone comes on to you. No, thank you, suffices. Straight people turn down straight people and gay people turn down gay people everyday by just saying no.

This is true, of course, but if you turn down a super attractive/likeable/intelligent girl, who happens to be the sister of one of your friends, then this is also a message...

There's no inherent shame in being gay. If we feel shame it's because we have allowed it in. In actuality, gay is the other normal.
Wishing you the best in 2013.

Also to you all the best in 2013!

[winterkill]

it happened to me (like quite some times before with other girls) that the sister of one of my frieds obviously found me very attractive and approached me in an explicit way.

Seasoned is right, the situation was totally harmless.

Me on my side, I was completely defenseless [...] After today's experience I felt totally miserable - my only escape was to covertly leave the party, which was totally frustrating.

You were paralysed because the pending coming-out problem took possession of you and made any meaningful communication impossible. Your harmless little secret seems to create more problems than its disclosure! Feel free to say what you think instead of censuring any word that is linked to the enthralling topic of homosexuality.

Better adapt the world to your needs than vice versa!

[Skifast]

at 34, and not having a girlfriend or wife, usually tells people for you that you are gay. They probly already suspect it anyway, so it wont be as big of a deal as you think when you come out.

I had that thought, too. I have another slightly older friend who's maybe in a similar situation. Shall I talk to him about this or would it be too intrusive?

I hope you can come to terms with it and realize youre not getting any younger and you need to start being yourself so you can be happy mentally, sexually, & psychologically. It does get better and youll kick yourself for missing all that time you could have had. good luck!

Another thing I've been thinking about recently, too. And I think you're totally right here. Thanks for your reply!

[Skifast]

I think it is more common than most people realize for gay men of all ages to be closeted. Change can be frightening...fear of the unknown, fear of being rejected, fear of being the topic of gossip, etc. It seems safe and the easy way out to live a secret life, but it's really not. It's work, and it sucks. It sucks watching others live their lives while you "covertly" sit on the sidelines or feel the need to leave a party early because you're uncomfortable or sad. It's hard work living the pretense.

I couldn't agree more! Especially the fear of being rejected is something I know just too good. It took me a long time to build up my currently relatively large (10+) circle of friends.

There just comes a time where you have to say "enough!"

I feel the pressure building up inside of me!

And, perhaps some of your friends and family will reject you or have a problem with it, but that's their problem, not yours.

Maybe, by now, I could afford loosing some friends over coming out without ending up all alone.

I say start the process slowly...tell one person that you are closest to.

I'll think about who to tell first. Thanks a lot for your reply and happy new year!

[KaraBulut]

Maybe, by now, I could afford loosing some friends over coming out without ending up all alone.

With any of these life changes, you find out who your real friends are or you end up finding new friends.

At 34, you're at the age where a lot of changes where people were being more open about being gay, so you may be surprised to find out how many of your friends already have friends or family that they are gay. And don't be surprised if some of your friends start wanting to fix you up with their gay friends.

For some friends, it is an adjustment - especially if you're their first gay friend.

By keeping part of your life hidden from friends, you aren't doing much to assure friends and family involved in your life- at least not your close friends. If your friendship with someone is so delicate that they can't handle finding out you're gay, it will give you an idea of whether your happiness is important to them or whether their own judgmental nature is what is important.

[Skifast]

A little update from my side. I attended a coming out evening of a local gay organisation. For the time I could openly talk to other people and listen to their stories, which were somehow similar but also totally different... I think I'll continue to attend these evenings until I feel ready to come out to my mother.

[jaysizzles]

good for you!