Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

[Chrizze]

johann,,I AM A MAN in the AVATAR!! Look my gallery! Dont you recognize a litttle photoshop retouch,when you see one?btw,I am in the hospital,and since this site is so image laden,I am probably used half of my monthly mobile net capacity for the answer...but I report,when back,..or perhaps there is WLAN hotspot nearby...I knew that about soviet union...that was because,which was strange,because from here it would have been easy to defect..there were no passport control between nordic countries..but they did not usually allowed whole family to travel.but ill be back,do not worry.

[Kulindahr]

Just for information:

there's a relatively new procedure that uses electricity but on such a low level you wouldn't feel it if the electrode touched you. IFIC, they use two electrodes, inserted actually into the brain, in a place that has to do with cognitive agility and in one that has to do with what they say is best described as "joy". For better than 3/4 of patients, the result is an outlook change that is radical, where the world seems delightful and problems seem challenges instead of depressing or defeating.

I have no idea where it can be done, or how much it costs. There are probably still research programs, which generally love having volunteers, so it may be available for the cost of getting there.

Side effect: for a small portion of patients, there was also an apparent rise in IQ... I don't even have a guess as to what that's about.

[bankside]

Just for information:

there's a relatively new procedure that uses electricity but on such a low level you wouldn't feel it if the electrode touched you. IFIC, they use two electrodes, inserted actually into the brain, in a place that has to do with cognitive agility and in one that has to do with what they say is best described as "joy". For better than 3/4 of patients, the result is an outlook change that is radical, where the world seems delightful and problems seem challenges instead of depressing or defeating.

I have no idea where it can be done, or how much it costs. There are probably still research programs, which generally love having volunteers, so it may be available for the cost of getting there.

Side effect: for a small portion of patients, there was also an apparent rise in IQ... I don't even have a guess as to what that's about.

Is that "deep brain stimulation?" I've heard of that.

[Kulindahr]

Is that "deep brain stimulation?" I've heard of that.

It would be a form of that. Another is a method where the brain is stimulated while a person is learning a cognitive skill -- and the skill remains high afterward.

[ludolfo]

[Chrizze]

Johann...I still await an apology about that avatar thing

[Chrizze]

no,you said,that you dont believe,that it is me in the avatar.thats what I thought offending.I am in hospital..one med added,..citalopram and wellbuttrin now..that was what i was looking for..ECT is still used,but not in mental hospitals..in general hospitals,in case something happens..doctors not market it,people ask for it..one nurse said..punctuation errors are,because i write with mobile phone...ill be back.

[ludolfo]

Hey Chrizze, when I saw your avatar I immediately felt 'I know 'him''. I am aware that many people who use forums will use avatars that are not actually themselves but people they like etc, and so I didn't assume it was you, but noticed you recently tell others here it is.

Of course I cannot have known and seen you before because I have never been to Finland and even if I had that doesn't mean I would have known you lol. But I just thought I would mention this. Strange

[NUMNUTZZ]

ahhh , boy this was very tuff , 2 read , chrizzie , i can't add nuthin worth while , except to say , i have hurted this way 2. I , know the pain , the real awful feeling that you will never see , hear , be with that loved 1 again. I , have bin down that road believe me . I can oly say what others have told me over and over again - i know we find it really hard 2 believe but we have , 2. and that is that life will get better , and we will get through it . Just the thought that person will not , b seen or heard from is so damn hard my friend . So many times a day i ask GOD , why and what the hell am i still here for , but believe me , we are here for a reason , and i do hope and believe we will reunite with those dearly departed man. I'm just . 1 more person who is glad ur still here . But remember ur not alone , u , can count on that.

[Chrizze]

Back to home again.. Thanks,numnutzz,I believe in to those things too.

[Chrizze]

Hey Chrizze, when I saw your avatar I immediately felt 'I know 'him''. I am aware that many people who use forums will use avatars that are not actually themselves but people they like etc, and so I didn't assume it was you, but noticed you recently tell others here it is.

Of course I cannot have known and seen you before because I have never been to Finland and even if I had that doesn't mean I would have known you lol. But I just thought I would mention this. Strange

You could have seen someone,who closely resembles me,or these pictures somewhere else,..god knows where they have ended up by now.

[Chrizze]

I believe,that I am starting to feel better,and with time,survive this.I also got four new friends from the hospital...funny places to find them sometimes. ..two weeks leave from life was good,I really had time to think things.. I needed that at this point.

[Chrizze]

Well,on the issue of reincarnation,..we surely not get back to this planet again...otherwise we would all be gods by now..but that's just my 2c's about the issue... About other things,..they are going.."steady as she goes",so to speak,..I might not post that often now,but I am here,and will check,if someone had posted something.

[bankside]

Chrizze, i know everyone has made their best efforts to help you in this thread and take the chance to learn a bit about you, even if the internet doesn't help to get to know someone properly.

Now that you see less need for posting in this thread, however, I hope you will join in other threads about any number of subjects.

[Chrizze]

Surely,..I want to post,when I really have a contribution to give,no just two word answers.And All of you,who helped me through this thread,I still want to thank you all.

[ludolfo]

Surely,..I want to post,when I really have a contribution to give,no just two word answers.And All of you,who helped me through this thread,I still want to thank you all.

Good to hear your feeling good mate )

[Chrizze]

Yes,I'm getting better,and about that you are hearing me feeling good,the feeling is mutual.

[Kulindahr]

Yes,I'm getting better,and about that you are hearing me feeling good,the feeling is mutual.

----- -----

[Chrizze]

Johann: - no,I am not feeling suicidal.So much from non-existence of these things,but this is not ment for you,Ludolfo,I believe,that there is both cases,or perhaps I am doped rest of my life,but who cares,if alternative is stepping in front of a train?

Thanks,Kulindahr.I have always had high respect to you.You are quite obviously,a version of a "renaissance man","something from everything,and everything from something ",in what comes to your knowledge.That's what I try to be too.And quite often I amaze people with my knowledge,..but only when they are asking something.

PS.Anyone mentioned in text,if you read this,please comment.

[LatinCoffee]

[Kulindahr]

I don't know anything about your work load, but if you feel yourself bored, you now have an opportunity to learn. You mentioned that you might want to improve your written English. I know of a technique that will help you. You'll find it very easy to do, although it does take a good amount of time.

An expert in neurolinguistics named Leonard Newmark pioneered the method--a technique he calls modeling--in the 1970s. It involves taking a favorite author of yours, and copying the text, longhand, page by page, hour after hour. After you do this for a time, the rhythm of the language begins to become automatic--you'll know where to place commas, where to use prepositions, and so on.

Heh -- I used this method without knowing about it when I taught remedial reading comprehension and composition in college. I used it as a part of a strategy based on the principle that they way to learn good composition and improve comprehension is to read and to copy out good writing. My classes focused on reading authors whose English was well nigh impeccable, elegant, and powerful.

I didn't do the hour after hour copying thing, but I did ask my students to copy out by hand their favorite chapters.

[Kulindahr]

^Some say that the technique works so well that it is possible to overdo it. Does the student really want to write exactly like James Joyce?

Well, maybe.

There's a good reason for my approach of different authors -- no falling into one single style. After a bit, my students developed their own styles.

[Chrizze]

Chrizze, once you feel stabilized, I have a suggestion or two for you.

I don't know anything about your work load, but if you feel yourself bored, you now have an opportunity to learn. You mentioned that you might want to improve your written English. I know of a technique that will help you. You'll find it very easy to do, although it does take a good amount of time.

An expert in neurolinguistics named Leonard Newmark pioneered the method--a technique he calls modeling--in the 1970s. It involves taking a favorite author of yours, and copying the text, longhand, page by page, hour after hour. After you do this for a time, the rhythm of the language begins to become automatic--you'll know where to place commas, where to use prepositions, and so on.

You will see significant progress after only 200 hours. If you want to become really, really good, 1000 hours will do the magic. If you feel like one of the rarities who wants to take this to an extreme, you'll need 10,000 hours to become a first-class expert.

Only two rules exist--you must use the same author, and you must copy the text down in longhand. (Shorthand or typing won't do.)

If you have no interest in this, you have a whole lot of other opportunities to learn--assuming that you have enough free time in the first place.

Good luck to you in your endeavors. I hope you'll keep us in touch about your welfare.

I will improve my english in many ways,but I can forget The Longhand...I do not remember it anymore,thought it was well educated in school,but then computers came...you know the rest.I bought a fountain pen few months ago,..it helps me to write,because my problem with handwriting is,that I am too impatient.with fountain pen you have to write slower.I will be on other forums here,and check this from time to time. I do know the correct writing on the english language much better,than my writings would indicate.The reason is very much the same: - Impatience.Patience,Obi-Wan,patience.

[Chrizze]

I am still alive,.. I believe,that meds had helped. I believe,I mentioned earlier,that I got three friends from the mental ward,and we had been having a contact ever since.Two weeks ago,one of us committed suicide.It came out of as blue,as it can be.Considering from where this thread originally started.. Quite rude awakening really.. But if there is anything I learned about this,it is,that in the future,should such thoughts arise again,I would stop at nothing to get any and all the help necessary.

[ludolfo]

good to hear from you Chrizzie. I have thought about you

[Chrizze]

I have to check this thread more often,so that you will know,how things are going.

[Chrizze]

That's true,the discipline is taking it's first steps.. About this friend of mine,.. It is not "just" that we have learned,what have occured,but just few hours before that,we all,four of us,were having a nighttime in the town..

[Chrizze]

He was she,and yes,she was.

[Brian Smith]

Psychotropic drugs can be very helpful, but they can also be troublesome. I was on paroxetine when I was a pre-teen, which would never happen now because it has been contraindicated for all patients under 18. Let me tell you, I am lucky to be alive, and so most likely are my classmates. It made me psychotic.

Wellbutrin (buproprion) is a good drug, though. It has done wonders for my partner, who has been on it for years. It levels him out. It makes him less subject to getting himself overwrought. I wish you luck on it.

I can function okay without it, but I do very well on amantadine. It keeps my tempers in check, and it keeps me from being as moody. Although I could live without it, why? It's cheap, and it makes my life easier. Moreover, it is cheap.

[ludolfo]

That's true,the discipline is taking it's first steps.. About this friend of mine,.. It is not "just" that we have learned,what have occured,but just few hours before that,we all,four of us,were having a nighttime in the town..

so do you mean that this you had been out on the town with this friend and then afterwards he killed himself?

[Chrizze]

so do you mean that this you had been out on the town with this friend and then afterwards he killed himself?

Yes,that's it,exactly.(she).

[ludolfo]

did she (sorry) give any indications that something was wrong?

[Chrizze]

No,not even an indication about being depressed,much less about being suicidal.

[ludolfo]

I have heard this quite a few times. parents and friends of those that have killed themselves claiming they were very happy, or nothing seemed to be worrying them beforehand!
Now I don't know if this is---and I an in way am trying to offend you here Chrizze. I know this must be very personal for you and if you don't want to discuss about it like this I will understand. It is just I am a very inquisitive person, and have had serious Blues myself. Now I don't know if this is because people close to people (and people in general) have become dulled to really observing people in deep ways, body language, behind the mask, OR it is because the person is genuinely happy because they look forward to ending their life.

[Chrizze]

I have read,and,in fact,heard from some people,that this can occure.But something in me is saying,that this was not the case.(being happy about forecoming end of life).About this "being dulled",I have personally been devastated in past couple of years,in different incidents,how badly I am able to judge the character of the person.Either something had happened to me,or the world,or both,..or then,maybe I only had an illusion of being a good judge of a character of the person.

[ludolfo]

well i think that goes for us all Chrizze. many people now when you look around seem more interested in their little hand-held computers than they do the person stood next to them. I have seen this time and time again. I think a big part of the desire for suicide is a deep sense of isolation--dont know if this was part of your feeling? Of just not feeling part of anything or in tune with anyone. EVEN when in a social situation which can be even worse. When everyone around 'seems' to be all having fun

[Chrizze]

You mean,was this part of my suicidal feelings back then?

[ludolfo]

You mean,was this part of my suicidal feelings back then?

Yes if you don't mind sharing this

[Chrizze]

Yes,now that I have little distance from that,I believe it was part of it,..more like feeling of redundancy,to be exact.

[ludolfo]

of not being of any use to anyone or even to life?

[Chrizze]

Yes,that was my feeling.Somewhat subjective,of course,.. But in our modern,western,ultracapitalist,profit-only-driven world,I don't feel that feeling was completely..inaccurate either.If I take one example,almost none of my friends lives in my hometown anymore,because in many trades,there is simply no jobs anymore.This used to be heavy industry town,heavy industry now gone,by the way,mostly from whole country.It really scares the shit out of me,to think about having to face old age,in this sort of setting.as one of my friends cynically said about this.. "I don't think that full-scale nuclear world war would be so bad idea after all".

[ludolfo]

Yes exactly. I have heard that the rate of people killing themselves has shot up throughout the world due to the so-called 'cuts' and the misery it all brings.
It reminds me of reading about this on Native American reservations some years ago, because I have always been interested in this, because you know I strongly challenge the mental illness myth. That to me it is natural that when peoples lives are made to feel SO meaningless, dull, and dead, that people will feel hopeless and de--pressed

I am very keen, Chrizze, when I explore about deep issues to look for etymology of words. This is because I am aware that myths use language, and often people can become unconscious of the terminology they use--its real original meaning, roots etc--and these words can then be manipulated by others to mean what they choose them to mean.
So take 'depression':

depression (n.)
late 14c. as a term in astronomy, from Old French depression (14c.) or directly from Latin depressionem (nom. depressio), noun of action from pp. stem of deprimere "to press down, depress" (see depress).

Attested from 1650s in the literal sense; meaning "dejection, depression of spirits" is from early 15c. (as a clinical term in psychology, from 1905); meteorological sense is from 1881 (in reference to barometric pressure); meaning "a lowering or reduction in economic activity" was in use by 1826; given a specific application (with capital D-) by 1934 to the one that began worldwide in 1929. For "melancholy, depression" an Old English word was grevoushede.

Hmm I must remember that, 'I am very grevoushede' lol But those definitions 'to press down' is what I feel it can feel like. It is like you have no power whatsoever isn't it?

[Chrizze]

Quite right,that's what it feels,and seems,too.Someone else,somewhere,making decisions,that affect to real people,but to them,it's just statistic.

[ludolfo]

powerlessness. I was reading about this very young boy who killed himself a while ago. he was bullied in school being called gay all the time, and treated very mean,and there didn't seem any help for him. and one day he comes home and hangs himself. So many children will feel this sense of powerlessness. I did when I was at school--all the way through from infants to highschool. It was this dread I had of that place. Children are forced to go, and if you dont like it your fucked. you THINK you have no choice. You actually do, you can say 'no i am NOT going!' but the consequences of rebelling are frightening so you stick with the hell your in. thats how I see it now. school was made to seem like EVERYTHING. admittedly somethings you have no choice over

[ludolfo]

were either of you two bullied at school?

[Chrizze]

No,I was not,and I am not aware,that she was either.I was on special class,which had max.10 pupils.Reason was,that I had "learning problems",.. Of course I had,I got Immensely bored..I would have been able to do things twice faster,than rest of them.. But our primary school system was directly copied from East Germany,.. Not exactly encouraging you for damn thing.So,perhaps I was bullied,.. By the whole system itself,which was insult to my intelligence.

[ludolfo]

No,I was not,and I am not aware,that she was either.I was on special class,which had max.10 pupils.Reason was,that I had "learning problems",.. Of course I had,I got Immensely bored..I would have been able to do things twice faster,than rest of them.. But our primary school system was directly copied from East Germany,.. Not exactly encouraging you for damn thing.So,perhaps I was bullied,.. By the whole system itself,which was insult to my intelligence.

Yes, the system itself is the biggest bully. Not only does it bully children and their parents to make sure the children HAVE to attend these schools, but as you know, from your own experience, they stigmatize children with labels like "slow learner" "learning problems" "special pupils" and also with bogus disorders like "ADD" "ADHD" where they will even coerce kids to take drugs now!

Have you heard of John Taylor Gatto? he was a teacher who now exposes the whole system and shows how the 'education' system was brought about etc. Apparently in 19th century with its first enforcement with bayonets to drive people to send their kids to schools started in Prussia which is Germany, and this system was copied by rest of the world.

I see these schools as same as open prisons. yes, the kid can walk away from them but doing so can bring serious consequences for themselves and family. The bullying case I read, where the child killed themself, there was also a series of similar suicides of children at the same school, but the school denied that there was bullying because they had an 'anti-bullying policy'! This assures it will continue. They also are usually reluctant to admit that the bullying is to do with homophobia.

[Chrizze]

I am still alive,in case somebody wondered.

[ludolfo]

Hey Chrizze, good to hear from you. How are you feeling today?

[Chrizze]

Rather good,for a chance,...and I began to feel,that I might survive from my mother's death,after all.