electrostar's "coming out" story

[electrostar]

Okay guys, this is probably going to be quite a long one but it should be worth it.

I'm currently typing it up, I'm trying to fit in as much as I can, obviously i cant put in every little detail about it though.

I will update shortly.

[electrostar]

This is a very long story guys, I hope you enjoy it.

I think that I should go back 7 years. In year seven, I had a crush on a girl. This girl would remain my crush for most of that year. Nothing ended up happening, and this crush continued into year 8. When I reached year 9, I no longer had this "crush". However, when I think back to when I was in year 9, I now realize that I use to have crushes on guys. I use to fantasize about my crushes when jacking off. I also remember loving to watch and stare at the older boys while competing at athletics - the beautiful, toned young guys that they were.

I remember having various "guy crushes" right through school, however, I never really realized that I was having loads of guy crushes and no girl crushes. I thought at the time that perhaps there just wasn't any girls I fancied at the time at my school. Up until this point, no girl had really had any interest in me. Either that or they did and I just didn't notice it. In year 11, (2 years ago), Sam, a girl who was in year 9, liked me and she decided to call me and speak to me about it. One thing led to another and we ended up getting together, but the most we did was kiss. Mind you, I still had a rock hard boner from kissing and cuddling her. I suppose when I look back at it, I now realise that I didn't really have any attraction to her, it was the mere fact that it was the "normal" thing to do, go out with a girl and hook up. I guess the fact that I was so turned on was typical of any 16-year-old guy...
This "relationship" with Sam ended after a week, because we went to a party and she kissed two other guys that night. She was very drunk but I didn't care. That relationship ended that night.

Of course, my guy crushes continued on, and I still had no sign of any attraction to any girls. However, in January 2006, this girl called Leah, who I worked with at McDonalds, Showed a great interest in me at a party I was at. Many people had noticed her slightly flirting with me at work, however I never picked it up. We ended up kissing that night at the party, however I was too shy to do it without drinking some alcohol first. After the party, for the next month or so I grew this attraction to her. I think it was only because of the potential for some sexual action, I wasn't really actually emotionally attracted to her. We randomly hooked up for the next couple of months at various different times and places, and then she ended up getting a boyfriend so it all ended. We never did anything sexual.

All through year 2006 when I was in year 12, I never really thought about having crushes on guys being "gay", and in year 12 I found a site named "solotouch.com", which had many jacking off stories, male to male. This was my jacking off material for quite some time. Each night I would read new Male-Male stories on that site, and jack off to it. Afterwards each time I felt a little guilty about jacking off to two guys, however I shrugged it off and just thought about how many girls I had kissed (more than 0) and how many guys I had kissed (0), so clearly I couldn't be gay. Well this was my theory at the time anyway.

At the start of this year, Leah broke up with her boyfriend and I ended up hooking up with her again, this time down at the local bar/venue. We hooked up a few times over the next month or so, however I started to realize that yes I was attracted to the hot and cute guys that were there. Eventually I came to this point where it didn't feel "right" to be kissing Leah, and I suddenly stopped one night when we were out. She was not happy, and I couldn't explain my self. It was soon after this that I came to a very important realisation - I was NOT attracted to girls. I was attracted to guys. Everywhere I went, I would only pick out guys that I was attracted to. I also believe I came to this realisation because of university – in my lectures, I had major, major crushes on 2 different guys. I realised that yes, I had crushes on guys and not girls. That was it, it was a fact, and I couldn’t change it. This is when I started to become a little depressed.

My best friend James picked my depression out easily. I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong, and he cracked it at me, and he started blaming him self, saying he must be a crap friend if his best friend can’t even share his problems with him. SO I told him about my crushes on the guys at uni, and how I wasn’t attracted to girls. We both sort of came up with this solution that perhaps it was a phase and that it would go away. Yeah right! A couple of months passed and that’s when I made my final realisation. I told him. I said look James, I am definitely gay. There is no doubt in my mind. James was always cool with it. Our friendship hasn’t changed whatsoever. Later that month, I then somehow came up with the confidence to tell my other good friend Bill. Bill took it very well. I also told Bill’s mother, and we all had a good talk about it. I was still very in the closet at this stage, with only James and Bill who knew.

The next person I told was my McDonalds store manager. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her earlier; after all, she was a lesbian. She was surprised that I was gay, probably because I am not feminine at all, but she understood. We had a really good talk about it. From this point on, I always looked up to her if I ever needed anyone to talk to about my problems.

I didn’t tell anyone else for a while, it just remained a secret. However, in one of my other posts, I found out that a guy that I work with, Tom, was gay. I started flirting with him, after all, he was extremely cute. I eventually came out to him, expecting him to keep his mouth shut. My other best friend also found out through my best friend James, and he was totally cool about it.

This is when the Rumours at work started to form. Of course, they were all behind my back, no one actually said anything to me about it directly, but I found out through one of my friends. They all came from Tom… It was this point in which I decided I must tell more of my friends personally, so that they hear it from me and not from rumours. This is where the problems started.

Two of my real good friends are homophobic, and will randomly say something that is homophobic. I feared telling them the most. Brad was way more homophobic than Ben, so I told Ben first. This would be the start of my biggest coming out day. I sent him a very, very long text telling him. He was cool with it. He valued our friendship and said it doesn’t matter whether I’m gay or not. I was very relieved.

Later that day I was at home with my friends around, and I was eating dinner with Family, with my friends waiting in my room, as we were working on my newest car stereo project. I got into an argument with my Dad about university and studying, and he said to me that I needed to stop hanging around with “no-hopers”… I cracked it at him. I told him he was a “fucking idiot” and then he threw me off my chair and told me to stay in my room. I yelled at him some more , and then decided I didn’t want to talk to any Family that night, so I told my friends what happened, and I packed my bag to stay at James’s that night. When we had left, I sent a text to my parent’s phone saying that “not only have I been stressed out with uni study, I’m also GAY. That’s right, I’m gay. “

Mum and Dad obviously wanted to talk to me about it, however I didn’t want to go home that night. I still hadn’t told one of my mates who was there that night, Ryan, so I rang him and told him, because he didn’t really understand what was going on that night. He doesn’t care at all either. Then I went to work and told another one of my friends Tyler, who I suspect is closeted for many reasons, however he still insists his not gay.. I told him on purpose to try and make him feel better about it, but he still hasn’t come out. I can tell by his signs that his gay… And I can see he has a crush on one of my best friends.

Last night somehow my other really homophobic mate Brad found out. I found out that he knew because he sent me a text message telling me that he found out, that it doesn’t affect our friendship, and that he is proud of me for being myself and that it should make us better friends. He said he was only angry because I didn’t tell him earlier. That was such a surprise to me, coming from someone who is always putting down gays… but it made me feel so much happier. It was such a huge weight lifted off my chest, knowing that all my friends who I see all the time now know I’m gay, and all of them understand, and it hasn’t changed any of our friendships. If anything, it has made them stronger. I guess they all don’t care because I am the same person I was before I told them, and in no way do I display any signs that I’m gay (feminine signs), apart from the fact I never notice any hot chicks.

A week or so ago, after I had told my parents through a text message, We ended up sitting down and having a talk about it. My mum understood but my Dad asked me why I thought I was gay. I told him, look, I’m attracted to guys, not girls (der), but he seemed to insist its because I haven’t had any luck with girls. Yeah right. But I guess not everyone will understand.

All of my good friends and Family now know that I’m gay, so now I think I will be completely open about from now on. I have my friends and Family to support me, so I think being open about it should make everything easier. Coming out was so hard at the beginning, but now it is so much easier to tell people. I guess I was almost forced to tell all of my friends, because of the rumours starting at work, however, I guess I can only blame my self for telling Tom in the first place.

I hope my story inspires people.

[confusedboy23]

What can I say? You are indeed an inspiration and I thank you for sharing your experiences here with us. I read yours story - line by line - and I thought to myself "maybe one day I can be like you". I have accepted myself a lot better than the past but I have yet to have the guts to be open about that. Melbourne is a great place to live and your story brought back vivid memories of my time there. All I can say is, congratulations, and I'm happy for you, for what you have done and how blessed you are with friends and family who have been so cool with what could otherwise been nasty. Take care.

[Blacksheep]

Sounds like everything is working out really well for you! Congratulations and it's good to see a coming out that only has a few small bumps and no serious crashes.

[GBirdie]

Same here.... Really inspirational.... makes me wanna tell everyone too, haha.... I've also only told a few of my closest friends....., 5 of them, and they're cool about it....

And for Tom.... I don't think you should blame him..... errr... well, maybe you could give him a little scolding for telling, and don't blame yourself either. But I'd thank him if I were you... or else you won't be telling everyone if not for the rumours.

Anyhow, congratulations. Wish I'd be like that some day.

[ssean18]

dude i read it!
thats awesome man..
its a great feeling, i just gotta tell my parents..

hopefully we'll chat soon.. sounds like we've got a fair bit to catch up on..

[Rand]

Congrats and thanks for sharing! Glad that you found the strength and had such a great group of friends. You must be an awesome guy to have such friends and have them value your friendship.

Good luck!

Rand

[boy0boy]

Eerie thats what made me feel like I needed to come out, rumors from the gay guy I liked! haha

But seems everything turned out fine although I'm sure it was stressful at the time. It's just good to know nobody cares kinda, like more dissapointed like your friend that you didn't tell them sooner. But I'm same as you, although I have a few signs (mostly no discernable interest in females) I'm pretty straight seeming.. so lots are shocked when I "come out" that I dont start walking with my hips, wearing makeup and giving them shopping tips.

[benlemieux2003]

Great stuff buddy glad all's worked out for you. Life has even greater things waiting for you I swear. With a strength of character like that, you won't believe the good stuff that's just around the corner!

[frtmbh]

up! ......

[menRsexii]

wow great story, man. this is how i wanna be -- completely open and honest with everyone (well at least my friends and family)... im working on it, slowly but surely, but i am getting impatient and i feel very close to just telling my parents/ family. a good portion of my friends already know that im attracted to men and so far ive had nothing but excellent results. i hope for smooth sailing the rest of the way, for it to get easier for not only me, but all the rest of you guys that aren't out as well. i wish us all the best