Are you shy? Is it hard for you to connect with anyone?

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I've been feeling down for the last few days and it's the same thing that has affected me since adolescence. For some reason I find it really difficult to connect with a lot of people and I'm painfully shy. I joined a gay group thinking that it would somehow solve these problems. Great! gay people! they'll know how I'm feeling, what I've experienced, we'll have loads to talk about!

Well no that didn't really happen. I've found one friend to talk to but he has become something of a comfort zone for me. But that's only because he's really intelligent and one of those people with whom you can talk about anything- that's why he has loads of friends. I just can't seem to connect with other people of my age. I know the other day I had some alcohol and that really brought down my inhibitions but I can't rely on that.
I think when I began school at 14, I made a decision to never let anyone know of my sexuality. I was afraid of letting my parents know and I didn't know what gay meant apart from others using it to mean shit. So I felt shit. In concealing it, I must have lost a part of myself and one of my teachers mentioned that it was if I had built brick walls around me cos I was so quiet and introverted. Out of 120 in our year I probably made 3 or more friends! I just remember feeling this incredible sense of isolation and a heavy, loneliness.


Anyway that's enough about me, I just hope I wasn't alone in feeling this.

[NameTaken]

PMed ya!

[cynicus]

I'm not so much 'shy', as naturally anti-social.

But, hey, I can fake it with the best of them.

As they say in Hollywood, if you can fake sincerity you got it made.

[bayern20]

Nothing wrong with being shy. However, some people do confuse shyness with a lack of self esteem. Being shy is a result of not having enough experience (social), self esteem is not thinking of yourself very highly.

So, if you are shy, that should not stop you overall. It might be hard initially, but a confident person, someone with self esteem will change that shyness to confidence very quickly.

[josher]

I'm very introverted in a crowd of strangers. A long time ago I discovered the rule of "two" for myself. If I went to a party or club I'd be sure to go with or arrange to meet up with two people I knew. (It helped if they were extroverts.) Then I felt comfortable when other people I didn't know came along. I didn't have to handle all the conversation myself. Maybe you could try and meet one more person from your social group and them make socializing plans with them. (One person doesn't work because he may wander off at some point.) I wound up making numerous friends that way over a period of time.

[demsducks]

I am extremely shy. I've always had a difficult time making friends. I never know what to say or what to do.

[spiralgary]

I'm really shy, its seems i can't connect with people too. I have my friends from high school but they arent in the same school or they are not studying the same major, I know i need to connect with my class but i just kind of hate everyone, so i think we have a similar case.
the only thing that I can say to you is that you are not alone in this, real friends are always few, and I really think you should have more patience,theres always someone like us out there.

hope i could help.

[MidnightPrism]

I am not as shy as I used to be. Problem is now I don't have a lot of experience interacting with friends. I've had such a few number of friends. Every conversation seems like a learning experience for me

[beafous]

I'd say that shyness is probably my biggest problem. I always find it harder to make friends than everyone else. There is a guy I really like and at first he was really good about putting the effort into getting to know me but I was so quiet, I think, he thinks that I dislike him and it makes me kinda sad.

[BattlestarFanatica]

Boy do I know how you feel. I'm both shy and kinda anti-social, not as much shy as anti-social though. Even the (little) friends that I have tell me I'm like that. I usually prefer to be left to my own devices. Then there's part of me that wants to make social connections with people too, because I feel like a loner and that I need to get more of a life. Usually I can put up an effort and make small talk and joke around with acquaintances, but I find it hard to make an actual friend. Kind of sad, but how it usually ends up is they get bored of me and move on to other people, and then we don't talk that much after that, lol. In social situations I usually get pushed to the back and kind of 'invisible,' I kind of blend in I guess, and that's where I feel most comfortable because I don't have the pressure to keep the conversation going. But the school year is about to start and I'm hoping for a good year to meet new people and make new friends, etc. I'm in the same boat with you guys; I have to really try to make myself seem friendly and likeable, and I always look around me and see everyone better off in their social lives.

[douseiai]

i completely understand... i am both shy and antisocial... as well as a quiet person... its hard enough for me to make friends let alone anything more... i only had like a max of 4 friends at a time throughout schooling... now that i am in a new city i feel a little overwhelmed with the people my sister keeps introducing me to...

[justsimon]

I used to be completely paralyzed by my shyness. As I've gotten older, I've learned to deal with it. Most people have no idea that I'm so shy. I can connect with people on a certain level with little trouble, but I do have trouble finding people that I really relate to. I usually have about 1-2 close friends and a lot of casual friends.

I use the skills I learned from my mom (a waitress) and my dad (a car salesman) to make it through the day, having to talk with lots of people.

[NickCole]

I'm very introverted in a crowd of strangers. A long time ago I discovered the rule of "two" for myself. If I went to a party or club I'd be sure to go with or arrange to meet up with two people I knew. (It helped if they were extroverts.) Then I felt comfortable when other people I didn't know came along. I didn't have to handle all the conversation myself. Maybe you could try and meet one more person from your social group and them make socializing plans with them. (One person doesn't work because he may wander off at some point.) I wound up making numerous friends that way over a period of time.

If you really are an introvert, this article might help you understand yourself better. And even though you seem to have found a good trick to help you feel more comfortable in a crowd (I'm a big fan of tricks like that!), understanding being an introvert might help you realize other things you can do to help you with socializing.

Being an introvert is not the same as being shy. Not at all. I'm an introvert but I'm outgoing and confident, very verbal and usually I connect with people easily; most everybody who sees me socially would say I'm an extrovert. I'm not sure I made the necessary adjustments for the right reasons but now I'm so accustomed to taking care of the introvert in me (for example giving myself enough down time by myself) that I forget I'm doing it.

Read this article. You might find it useful.

Caring for Your Introvert
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

[screwnutty]

I was shy...but now I can carry on a conversation with anybody about anything. BUT, I still have trouble making friends....it's weird I know. When I figure it out, I'll let you know!

[ross_1986]

A lot of people think I'm shy before they talk to me.

Once they talk to me, they realize they were dead wrong.

[bj____]

I'm very shy, I don't tend to trust people easily either. I usually wait for people to approach me. If I'm at school or work I tend to keep to myself unless asked specifically. When there's group conversations I tend to keep my mouth shut to try and avoid people creating a bias about me or my thoughts and actions. I also don't like doing group activities with most people. I've never looked at myself as a leader but I've never seemed to follow any one else's path. I enjoy doing my own thing for the most part, but I really crave a loving relationship and a good set of dependable friends. I'm really trying to break my shell and be more open towards people. Not really to tell them all about me, but just to be more vocal about how I feel. It's a tuff issue for me because I've always had friends and been sociable until I got out of high school. I guess I created a safety zone that was too independent and now I want to have an equal combination of both. It's good that you've attempted to reach out and create relationships with others by going to social gatherings. That's one more step than I've taken. Anyways, you are not alone in this boat. Hopefully you will find something you enjoy doing with others.

[The_Reaper]

Sounds familar....

I've always found it hard to connect with people on certain levels...

In some cases, I have no problem.

When it comes to talking about politics, debating, or even singing/dancing/acting in front of a large group of people I've had no problem.

While when a situation gets more personal....That's when I tend to get withdrawn.

I guess the biggest problem is I don't like the "community" of youth that I belong to. Kids who laugh at "Jackass", think saying racist words are funny, and with a deep love of toilet humour.

I guess it's hard to connect to a majority group when you don't agree with their views...

Oh well, eventually I'll find that community I clique with.....Or at least I hope so.

[slobone]

I'm really shy....I do have trouble making friends. I have no idea what to say. What to talk about....

Elvin! Gimme a break! You're just about the most charming guy here! Though I suppose an actual oral conversation is a different matter.

And you've certainly made plenty of friends here. Let's all go down to Atlanta and give Elvin a group hug.

[Angelfan]

I've been shy since I was bullied (nothing to do with being gay) in school from the age of 11-13. I hate going into a situation where there are a lot of people I don't know. I can cope with one or two people at a time but more than that and I'm not comfortable. I would also say that I lack self-esteem as the bullying made me feel worthless. The worst result of this is I've never had a boyfriend since I came out and I'm beginning to think it'll never happen.

[theatreboi]

If i'm at a gathering of people that i should know or are like my parents' friends, i'll be super shy for most of the time, but if i'm with strangers or people my own age, i'm pretty much as extroverted and insane as can be. I have a load of conversation starters that usually involve me randomnly saying something like "chocolate bunnies" or "red rover" and the conversation goes from there.

[sb]

The only times I come across shy is when there isn't anybody worth talking to.

[RenaissanceMan]

Caring for Your Introvert
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Great, at least this is more obvious than my other kinds of orientations.

I'm shy but definitely not anti-social. In the right company, I can usually "chat up a storm" or at the very least, ramble on about everything I can (some people find this a good thing, others not so much).

Unfortunately my shyness stops me from getting on with my usual self early enough sometimes when dealing with people.

Most people also get the wrong impression about me. Some think I'm just shy and will stay like that forever, others think I'm arrogant...if they give me a chance, they usually find out neither is the case (and we eventually have a conversation about it too).

[marcde]

Trust me...I am shy. It's easier for me to type than to talk. LOL
I always get nervous. When that happens I either clam up or talk alot and then get embarassed. I don't know how to really start a conversation and I think I bore people. I don't really have a way with words until I really get to know people well. I don't have the confidence to go and talk to people either. So there. I think that's why I have no friends. LOL

No friends??? -

[Pegasus69]

It isn't so much that I am shy, but I do tend to "watch" and observe. At the job that I had at the airline my manager and the senior agent both told me, upon my become the assistant station manager, that they did not think I was going to make it there because I was too quiet. I told them I wasn't being quiet, I was sizing everyone up, learning who was who and who to avoid. I find that I do that in most settings with many new people.

[slobone]

Trust me...I am shy. It's easier for me to type than to talk. LOL
I always get nervous. When that happens I either clam up or talk alot and then get embarassed. I don't know how to really start a conversation and I think I bore people. I don't really have a way with words until I really get to know people well. I don't have the confidence to go and talk to people either. So there. I think that's why I have no friends. LOL

I won't try to contradict you Elvin, because you obviously know your own situation in life better than anyone else does. But I can make a couple of generalizations.

One is that we often don't see ourselves as others see us. Where you think you're shy, other people may be saying "Elvin is such a good listener."

The other, which is both good news and bad news, is that most people spend about 90% of their time, or more, thinking about themselves and the rest divided among their many friends and acquaintances.

So if you're at a social gathering, and later you think you made a bad impression because you talked too much or clammed up, what people are actually thinking afterward is, "I shouldn't have had so much of that potato salad. It looked like it had been sitting out in the sun all day."

[Just_Believe18]

I have a bit of a shy streak that I still struggle with now and then. Its sort of easy just to sit by and let time to cultivate friendships go, but I work to keep regular contact with everyone I know and to make it an effort to break out of my shell.

[EveretteB1975]

I am also very shy. I dont have much gay friends. I have one friend that lives in italy, and one live in michigan. We email each other all the time. But i am to shy for words. I really didn't have any friends when i was in high school. I was such a loner this depresses me all the time.

I dink alcohol every weekend. I know this is not the answer. To me it helps. when i drink booze it makes me more open and less shy. I just cant explain it.

Thats my sad story

[theatreboi]

^no, most gay guys are not shy. Most gay guys who spend their time at home on the computer are shy, that's to be expected.

yeah...don't take that the wrong way, but it's true.

[spooger]

i have many very good friends, and i am not shy at all....i love to meet people from all over the world and engage them in conversation....about anything...

having said that, however, i will say ..... i am solo (6 years now) and i find it difficult to engage people on a purely PERSONAL or intimate level.....i just don't seem to get into looking around for a partner....even though i would love to meet a special friend....i'm stand-offish about that...

but publically i have no problem....what's up with that????

[cliffified]

i got low self-esteem,shy and low confidence--people think i am arrogant..whih makes me feel more like shit.
my friends are countable and majority of them are girls who dunno that i'm gay..
sonner or later..i am going to become a queen.

[frost_bite]

I'm not sure if its soo much that I'm shy but more so that I sometimes feel ackward just because i'm tall and skinny and for better or worse, I stand out so naturally I want to put my best image out there.

[alister9669]

I'm very shy in person. It even took me a couple months before I'd start responding on the forum here. Most of my close friends joke about it, they always laugh about how hard it is to get me to talk and when I finally do they can't get me to shut up.