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well, well, well.

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just wanted to say that this is the first time in a long time that i can say that i am content with being single to the point where i'm not worrying or stressing or upset that i'm not dating or having sex. i don't feel like i'm missing out. some years ago, i remember getting heated and jealous of people around me that were in relationships, had friends with benefits and etc. now, it's a complete 180. even though i fantasize about it from time to time, it's nothing that's triggering any sadness or anger. it's like i could care less. before, it used to be on my mind 24/7 especially when i was closeted and looking for validation to who i thought i was. it was like i had to get a girlfriend or to have sex to prove that i was straight. however, there was that doubt and fear that i would get that chance to date a woman or have sex with a woman only to face something that i knew in my heart and my mind at the time.

i'm gay and there's nothing that i could do about it. now, it's like i can chill in peace even though i do from time to time desire to love of course. who doesn't? i really don't care about sex too much. i more of prefer cuddling. i feel that it's much more intimate than sex. hell, i would prefer to cuddle with a guy that i like dearly than to have a one night stand with a guy that i find cute but have no feelings for whatsoever. with that said, i can say that the thought of cuddling makes me feel good BUT it's not something that makes me want to run out there and date someone to do it. i feel that i'm becoming a stronger man learning how to deal with my emotions and learn that certain things are not necessary. i don't need to fall in love or be with someone to be happy. i can be happy enjoying my own quality time with myself and appreciating my freedom. there's more to life than that. i'm learning about the little things that keep me happy such as my freedom, taking isolated walks through the woods, and etc. life isn't bad. despite the issues that i face, the problems that i have and the dark periods in my life where things seem hopeless, sad, and i feel down and out; it's the good times that remind me that life isn't so fucked up. it's bearable.

just hope that i can get my head straight and fix my life up so that i can fully enjoy a relationship or experience love i get the chance to.