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feeling lazy right now.

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i'm about to go take a shit, wash myself and handle whatever i have to do. i'm feeling incredibly lazy right now and a bit too calm for my own good. i was feeling nervous a second ago over something else which turned out better than i expected. i have to send the information as soon as possible though so that they get the word as well as thanking the person who's helping me out. i need as much help i can get.

but you know, the summer is going by quick, you know. i'll do whatever i have to do whether it's job hunting, going out for long walks in my neighborhood or even trails in the mountainous areas. we don't have mountains over here, hills much rather. i honestly want to just quit my job because i'm tired of it and i want to be free.

in regards to coming out the closet, dealing with being gay and etc etc, i'm not really pushing it. i said this before. not really going to force myself to come out where i'm like "hey, i'm gay" to those around me just so i can start hooking up, dating, and etc. i haven't really gotten around to accepting myself. i have a book that i haven't read since early april, outing yourself, and i felt that it was helping me in regards to accepting that i'm gay and not being ashamed. i know that it'll take time for me to accept myself and the shame to go away. to be honest with you, this has been really annoying me in terms of my patience. i just want this to happen already where this is out of my hair and i no longer have to live this facade. you know, i'm pretty much myself but i hate lying or pretending that i'm interested in women that i'm not even going to bother or have no interest in dating or being with. i'm not really stressing over it though. i was more stressed out when i was in complete denial, lying to myself about how i really feel.

but you know.... since i really have nothing to talk about or anything off the top of my head that is bothering me. i think at this moment i would like to talk about some of my insecurities about myself such as my looks.

you know, i go on the forums everyday since i like this place. i see the pic thread and sometimes, people talk about their looks. i remember sometime back how some of the members who i think are very attractive looking in this thread talking about being jealous of people that look better than them. that thread surprised me that hot guys would envy each other. i guess it is true what they say, someone can think you're attractive but it's really how you feel about yourself. if you don't think you're attractive, then nobody can make you think that then. you know, i'll be the first to admit that i don't find myself attractive at all. for the most part, i'm below average where rarely on a really good day or two, i'm attractive. i feel that whenever i take a pic and then a day later, look @ it. i get upset and shocked at how ugly i look. it's like wow, i'm ugly. you know, i also look at what other members say and how they react. when they think someone is attractive, you'll see like three, four or five people quote the pic and say "you're cute" or whatever. when they think you're okay, you might see one or two people say something. if they think that you're ugly, then nobody will say anything. sometimes, not to offend anybody, i feel that when someone says something about my pic to make me feel good, they're doing it out of pity where they don't want me to make me feel bad about how i look. i know compared to many of the guys on the pic page that i'm not attractive. i can live with that. i'm not going to diss or be jealous of anybody for something they have no control of because nobody was born knowing that they were going to be hot or ugly. i also have to say that being hot or ugly is not what a person should be judge for anyway. i feel that that's the case sometimes. when you're not attractive to someone, people will shut you down and treat you badly. when you are, people treat you better. it upsets me that things have to be like that but that's the way things are i guess. just have to deal with it. i'm not going to bellyache and cry over that. i'll just have to shine through something else whether it's my personality, which so many people here are not fans of, or something else. then again, who gives a fuck about what other people think. i'm still alive, i'm living, i'm breathing, and i have all my limbs and my mental state is intact. everything is good.

i'm also insecure about what others think about me and i dunno what else. for about a year now, i've been going on craigslist missed connections searching to see if anyone noticed me or thinks i'm attractive because i have low self esteem and no confidence. that's something that i'll admit about myself. i also get really defensive and angry when people try to criticize me or try to say certain things about me that i know about myself and use it against me. like on this site, some people will use the whole "you're closeted" thing against me as if i don't know that i'm in the closet or lying to people about not being gay and etc. i'm the one that put that out there to begin with. it's in my profile. they say that i loathe myself, i hate who i am, and etc. ya think? damn, some people can't put two and two together. there's some days where being gay doesn't bother me and somedays where it does. it bothers me more so when i'm out in public around other people feeling weird since i know myself and who i am on the inside and how i'm trying hard on the outside to not be noticed. sometimes i get the outside facade that i pull confused where i start to believe it sometimes. i go to myself like "i'm not gay, this is just a phase like all the other phases that i went through". i get myself confused as a means of not accepting what my situation is out of fear. the reality is that i'm gay and that i'm afraid of being gay because i'll be rejected by others for it. i also fear that my gay peers will not accept me as well even though i don't think that i would have a problem, believe it or not as unattractive as i think i am, with finding someone to date. maybe that's me being delusional and being weird but i honestly don't think i would have a problem finding a date or having sex even if it's with someone who i don't want to date or have sex with. i feel the reason for that is is because i know where my attraction lies and that when other people that share the same thing you do know about it, they tend to let themselves go and express themselves to you in a way that points to that direction. as crazy as this sounds, i BELIEVE that i could get myself a date off this site if i gave myself the option to do so. if i decided to put an ad saying that i'm available, somebody on this site would toss me their calling card. as i said i know i'm not attractive but you know, i guess among gay men that we're more open about our sexualities and etc than everyone else.