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time really does go by fast part 2.

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in doing so, i started to take some steps. i first started watching logotv with the a-list new york and 1 girl 5 gays. at first i felt weird doing it but then it felt like nothing after awhile. this went on for like two months. then in september when my 25th birthday was rapidly approaching, i decided to work the courage to question my sexuality. it took me a good while to actually say it in my journal. i remember doing that back when i was 17 when i was about to graduate high school that i was gay in my journal in the nighttime because i said that danny from road rules xtreme was hot and i ended up raking back i said going like "did i really say that?" i had a crush on him back in the day. but anyways, it took me some weeks before i just said "i think i'm gay. i think i need to ask some people to find out for sure." eventually, that's what i did. i had searched on google about something pertaining to that and then i got some site that i believe is empty closets. i'm not sure but it was a site that was for people that had issues with their sexual orientation. but however, i ended up going to another site that i felt it was safe to ask without people ready to clown me and whatever.

ever had something that you want to say or talk about but you just can't - Mental well-being and mental disorders - Page 5 - City-Data Forum

so i went there, asked. they referred me to the trevorhotline where i talked with a guy about my sexuality and he proceeded to ask me questions that made me shook to death at the time "_____are you gay?" "_______, are you bisexual?" i then told him that my family was from the caribbean, jamaica to be specific and he then told me that i had to be careful because i might be getting myself into some deep shit coming out to my family. you know so after that ordeal, i went about going to people, other websites and what have you to figure myself out a bit more and here i am today. it's been a long, painful task but things are somewhat getting better than how they first started. at first, i was in total horror that i was gay. it was like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. i was having a hard time letting go of someone that i created and wasn't and had an any harder time with just accepting things for what they were.

even though i'm still not ready now to come out the closet. i would say that i'm on my way there. i don't think being gay is as bad as i thought it would be. in fact, i'm starting to feel a bit more happier and glad that i actually did this whole mess even if it meant going over to new york to waste money to talk with someone about this or whatever, going to barnes and noble to read lgbt books pertaining to lgbt history or what have you. this is relatively new to me still but i'm sort of growing used to it which is a good thing. i had doubts that i was gay at first and that this was one of those experimental phases that i usually do despite this being something that has been going on ever since i was a child but obviously, this isn't. this is real and things are the way they are.
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