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i am who i am

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you know.... i've been noticing how i interact with people a lot more often. i seemingly get along with women more so than men. almost all of my best friends are males. it's a small circle that i keep close because we're in the same neighborhood within walking distance of each other. some are out the radius though.

but back to the subject, i've been noticing how i interact with people. the first thing that i have to say there are a few red flags. besides the way i talk, how i look at others, body language and etc, you know... fuck it, i'll say it. i think... *sigh* i have autism or some degree of it. :( you know... i don't want to say it but i'm just beginning to wonder this from how i talk to others, how i interact with them, how i perceive their facial expressions, how i can't take jokes and etc. you know, i probably have a high functioning form of it but something most definitely isn't right. i'm not sure if i have it but something is wrong.

with that said, i have a date to meet with a therapist on monday. :gogirl: and like what everybody said in that thread, i have to spill my guts. everything, every detail, every issue has to be addressed. i'll talk about how i'm scared to talk to others, how i get nervous. i'll talk about this, how i think i might be autistic or something isn't right the way i talk to others and perceive how they look at me. i would like to be accessed to make sure that i don't have anything psychologically wrong with me. i also would like to talk about how sad i get when i'm by myself like how i was driving home in my brother's car alone feeling like i wanted to cry behind the steering wheel playing smashing pumpkins "to forgive". you know, i've been dealing with this shit for a long time. it's obvious that what i was doing wasn't working so i'm going to have to put it into someone elses hands. yes, i'm even thinking about getting on medication. YEP. #-o i didn't want to do it but i might as well because i do not want to be like this in the next month.

i figured that since i'm making the steps towards coming out as gay. i really know where i stand on the sexual orientation chart. i know i'm gay. i'm trying to get comfortable with my skin. i'm job hunting. i'm going to take this entry test to see if i could work for us customs and borders. i need the money and it's basically my type of thing since it involves law enforcement, criminal justice and the legal field. i want to be a lawyer still but it might have to wait awhile. i'm trying to get my L-I-F-E together. it's been off track for too long.

you know.. even though it's not a good thing to look at the past, dwell on it and regret it like "damn, why didn't i do this when i was 15?" i guess what really matters is that i know better. i didn't give up to the point where i accepted that who i was some months ago was going to be the person i was going to be for the rest of my life. even though fear holds me back in my life, it's actually pushing me forward because i'm tired of being afraid. you know.... even though i'm scared as all hell in regards of coming out the closet because i feel that i built myself a building that i've been secure and somewhat confident with for this long, i realize that the foundation that i built the building on is weak. apparently, if something shakes my world up, it'll crumble into pieces and everything that i have hidden will be for the world to see. i figure that i can either destory and rebuild the building and make it stronger or i can actually rehabilitate the structure that is standing now so i can be completely confident with it.

in doing that that would be getting help to alleviate these issues as much as possible so my life gets better or i can be at least content with who i am as a person. obviously, i am not content with who i am. i think something that would help would be me getting rid of these issues where i'm basically gambling my life away looking at the clock. you know, i have this book called stop obsessing: how to overcome your obsessions and compulsions which is lying on my bed. i brought it may of last year and i didn't even get to the 4th chapter. it's a really long, lengthy book which is a walkthough of how to manage ocd symptoms or behavior for those that suffer from it. i have had ocd symptoms since a child looking back at my past behaviors. however, it wasn't nowhere as bad as how it is now where i can't even stop. i'm at home in my bedroom and every single 2, 3, 4 minutes, i'm looking up at the clock trying to kill my obsessive thought. some years ago, i had the option of having to undertake cognative behavioral therapy (i really regret passing up on it) but the thing was i didn't want to take the meds that is required with the treatment. it was explained to me as my brain being rewired by the meds and then the behavioral therapy would basically make me the guy that i was prior to falling into this mindstate. see even now i have the urge to look at the clock. the thought that occurred in my mind was "will this guy read what i'm writing?" and i looked at one of the smilie faces at the bottom of this typepad whatever as a yes to my question. see... i would have looked at the clock but i find something instead to replace it.

but from what i read, it said that the more i fight the thoughts, the more they will reoccur and the urge to do the compulsions will get stronger and stronger so it's a lose lose situation. they said that the epipephine hormone in the brain cause that since it causes fear or whatever.

but yeah..... i'm screwed up. i need some fixing before i can move on in life. i'm still going to live my life but i think i won't enjoy life as i should be enjoying it unless i get some help.