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Just feel like it.

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by , October 1st, 2009 at 01:25 AM (508 Views)
Well, as the title said, I wrote this blog because....I just feel like it. I haven't written a blog for a long time. I used to keep a frequently updated one on Yahoo!360, but it shut down in July, and I dislike their new blogging system, so I didn't blog at all.

Let's see. The weather is turning cold since the last week, time to wear more layers now. The school football team is doing great at 3-1, and they have a home game this weekend too, but I am not going to watch it because almost everytime I watched, they would lost, :( and I really want them to win. :) Good luck to you, team.

I also took the GRE (Graduate Records Examination) for the first time last month. Did well on the math (not as well as expected but the score is still at 83 percentile), and somehow I bombed the verbal + writing parts, around 25 percentile. #-o oh well, I will take it again next spring when I actually got some time to study this time. I won't graduate until next school year so I still have some time to take the test.

Listening to Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. It's an old but awesome song. "I spread my wings and I learn how to fly, ... take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway!" I love it.

School is going okay, the classes are hard and homework takes a lot of time away from other activities. Actually, I would say I'm getting worse. My performance is definitely above the class's average, but comparing to the preceding years, it's like free-falling (maybe with less acceleration). This is bad.

I also got cut from my tutoring job without any notice from them at all. Sadly. I worked there for about 2 years and now I'm jobless. It is making it harder to pay for the rents + utilities + food. I have to find a job somewhere off campus now.

And of course, I'm still having some problems with thinking too much -> stressed -> emotional -> depressed. #-o omg. ](*,) Maybe it's just me; that's how I am and I should learn to cope with it. My insecurity of being gay also doesn't help much.

In the last few weeks or so, I realized I don't trust anyone that I call 'friends.' Am I too insecure? Is it because of my recently discovered low self-esteem? When I am around a certain group of friends, I would project and preserve a self-image/personality that I think is fitted with that group. I would say I have several of those images. Although all those images are closely related, I don't think none of them is the real one (or at least I consider it's real). As a result of those images, I don't feel completely comfortable in any groups of friends. Yes, I do have fun some times, but that's different from comfortable. The do's and don't's keep reciting itself in my head. A friend who I actually started to open myself to once described me as a person with an abstract personality which would change to fit into the environment. I think he is right. He is married now and the sad thing is that he is far away too.

I am taking Psychology 101 this semester (for my social science credits) and we learned about Erikson's stages of development. At age around 20, it's a transition from the stage of "Identity vs. Role confusion" to the stage of "Intimacy vs. Isolation." And I think I got both 'role confusion' and 'isolation.' (note: role confusion to me is not about being gay or straight, I just want to point that out). It's so fascinating how Erikson divided up the stages and associated those with the development of the mind.

So the point is: I have no friend. I think I isolated myself from them.

I need to stop biting the skin around the fingernails. #-o yuck.

Got to go to bed now, good night, sweet dreams.