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Step three (hopefully)

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I haven't updated people via my blog on my depression, because there hasn't been too much to say. It's still been good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments. When I'm down, it feels like I haven't made much progress at all, and I feel like I'm gonna feel like this for a lot longer. But even those down times feel better than my down times a few weeks ago.

When I'm up, I can see things more rationally. I'm actually making great progress. I've had one bad day in the last ten or so, and even that one wasn't that bad. I've felt great since Wednesday night - almost 96 hours straight. :)

Further proof of my progress, although I wish it could've come in a different form. My grandmother was put in the hospital with pneumonia about a week ago, and I've been told there's a good chance she isn't coming out. She's 98, so I've been resigned to the fact that she may not be with us much longer, but still, it's not fun confronting this. I've gone to visit her a few times, and seeing her looking even more frail than normal isn't good. But it hasn't made me depressed. Not in the clinical sense.

And that's a great thing. During the few weeks of major depression, one of the major negative thoughts I always came back to was the generic "life is worthless, we're all gonna die, so what's the point?" one. Once I started climbing out, I had to sort of push that thought away when it came up, and focus on other things. I had to deliberately NOT think about it. But now I can actually think about it. I don't have to mentally go "la la la I can't hear you". I can impassively think about the impermancence of things, my own mortality, and other depressing things without getting depressed. Admittedly, I still try not to think about these things TOO much - I'm still worried that I might start sliding back. But the fact that I can consider it at all is a very good sign.

One weird thing about depression is that it's tough to put a time frame on it. I don't have any idea when exactly it started, and I probably won't be able to pick a specific time when it's over. But I think I'm getting ever closer to that time. :)