The first documented act of masturbation may well be the story of Onan in Genesis. Yes, I’m talking about the Bible. When Onan’s brother died and left his wife childless, it was Onan’s responsibility, according to the laws of his tribe, to impregnate his brother’s wife. Onan began the task, but at the last minute he pulled out and jacked off onto the ground. God was so pissed, he smote Onan on the spot. Talk about a killer orgasm.

Masturbation has had a bad rep ever since. Not only is it a mortal sin (if you’re Roman Catholic), it will allegedly make you blind or retarded, or both, and it will cause hair to grow on your palms and on the soles of your feet. Since no one has ever seen a guy with hairy palms or soles, we must infer that nobody masturbates. Right.

Here are some toys whose manufacturers hope you will masturbate, and do so frequently. I tried out each and every one personally, and I swear by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin (since I have none on my palmy palm palm) that it’s all true.

The reigning champ of masturbation devices right now is the Fleshjack. It’s predecessor, the Fleshlight, was marketed to straights, until somebody got that proverbial better idea. The thing is designed to look like a flashlight — a big one. It is 10 inches tall, 4 inches in diameter at the wide end and nearly 2 ½ inches in diameter at the narrow (handle) end.

When you pop the lid off, you see the insert. Depending on the model, you get a life-sized pair of lips, a tiny bubble-butt or a simple slot. The material is supposed to feel like real skin; the manufacturer has even trademarked a name for it: Real Feel Super Skin. (Warming is recommended so that it doesn’t feel like dead flesh.) It’s not silicone, latex or plastic, but a secret patented substance.

The insert is hollow all the way through. All you need to do is dribble in some water-based lubricant, apply more lube to your cock, and fuck. There’s a demo video, starring Johnny Castle, at the Web site, or you can check out Bradley in Neighborhood Buddies 5, who uses one in his solo. Sizzle.

Lots of options are available to customize your purchase. You can choose an outer case that is black, silver-gray, white or clear. You can choose an insert that is pink or transparent. And for the inner tubing of the insert, you can choose wonder wave (horizontal ribs), speed bump, super ribbed (more closely spaced ribs), original (smooth), tight and tighter.

The clear case with the transparent liner was cool because not only can you watch your cock going in and out, it also magnifies your cock and makes it look huge. The feeling is awesome and no condom is required. I tested a smooth, ribbed and speed bump model. They’re all different enough to produce distinctly identifiable sensations. My favorite was the lips; the way they move when your cock is going in and out looks like a real mouth.
BoyZshop.com sells a similar device for about half the cost of the Fleshjack. It’s called the Honey Pot and it’s 8.5 inches tall, 3.25 inches wide at the top and about the same size at the base as the Fleshjack. There’s only one color case (olive green), one color insert (flesh) a single tubing (smooth) and two kinds of orifices — mouth or anus.

The Honey Pot has a feature unique to itself, however: there’s a vibrator in the base with a variable speed switch. The added tingle feels very nice, indeed.

If you have a thicker than average cock (I do), it may require considerable amounts of pain or considerable quantities of lube to negotiate the smaller diameter of the Honeypot and the constriction in the case at the neck of the device. I did not like the packaging, which features a busty model spreading the lips of her pussy.

The final device I tested, also provided by BoyZshop.com, was the Robosuck II, a Doc Johnson product. A foot tall and 3 inches wide, at first glance it looks like a vacuum pump. You stick your cock into the knobby rubbery liner, adjust a sliding bar that positions a band around the circumference of your cock, then operate the switches on the control unit. One switch operates a vibrator and the other switch causes the band to move back and forth, as if someone were giving stroking your cock.

Compared to the vibrator on the Honeypot, this one was very noisy and you could hardly feel it. Since the constriction band cannot be adjusted to the girth of your cock, the effectiveness of the stroking is nil. The description for this product claims, “With so much happening to your cock, an orgasm is quickly coming,” but I doubt anyone who uses the product would agree.

As with any sex toy, you want to be sure you clean all of these properly, so read the directions. The Fleshjack in particular is very fussy in its requirements and can be damaged by soaps, talcum powder or silicone-based lubes. If you spend $70 plus tax and shipping on a product, you don’t want to ruin it after one use or find it fuzzy with mold the next time you pop the lid off.