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  1. #1
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    Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Sometimes I have my doubts.

    How would you define what a friend IS and SHOULD be?

    In my definition anyways, a friend is someone who you have a lot in common with, and as a result, want to do things together to support and entertain each other.

    It seems, "in common" is the key. Can you be really good friends with someone you dont have things in common with? Likley not. You just dont interest each other, and wanting to do different things all the time, while one person hates it, would not work.

    All this raises this question: Can you be true friends with a guy who is straight?

    To get an idea of how I came to this, I'll refer to my experience.

    Before I came out to my friends, they obviously thought I was straight, and as a result, they thought I wanted a girl. Girls are something guys talk about all the time. Its something guys always comment about. Lets face it, the world is sexual, and everything we do somehow relates back to that.

    My brother yesterday mentioned how he loved hanging out with one of his friends because they have a lot in common. One of those things is that they talk a lot about girls. He obviously cant do that with me and I got a sense that he was dissapointed and saddened by that fact. Of course my relationship with my brother is much more then that, he is my blood, and our relationship goes much farther than that. However, there is a sense, that is one thing we cant do and in some way it is abit of a downer.

    However, when you consider your friends, it seems like a much bigger thing. Now, not so much when you are younger, but the older that I get, the bigger problem it seems to be.

    When I was younger, you play computer games with your friends, you play sports, you go to the movies, you go over to each other house, and in many ways, everything that you do, its quiet innocent. Its not so much even that however, its the fact that you are young, and sex is not number 1 yet, or its not out there anyways. The things you discuss with your friends are different. Your head is into these activities almost totally.

    So now you fast forward, I have known most of my friends for at least 4 years, some up to 8 or so. Now, we are adults. We are no longer children or young adults. Sex seems to the big thing. Our interests have changed. Its not surprising, but it is a wake up call in some ways, an eye opener so to say. My friends are talking about girls, gf's, some even discussing marriage and children and the only thing I can think of while they are saying this is: "I have nothing in common with these people" Girls do not interest me. I dont think I want to get married. And I doubt I will have children.

    Now as an adult, we go clubbing, go to bars (straight of course) and hooking up, sex, and all that is the big thing.

    I have mostly accepting friends, and I think it comes down to that. It also comes down to comfortability. I guess its not so much that you cant have a true straight friend, but it seems its increasingly difficult to find ones that are straight, accepting and comfortable with the situation. Accepting meaning that they accept that you are gay and they are "ok" with it, but comfortability means that they have no reservations and they do not find the situation "weird", "ackward" or anything like that.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    rugbyusa
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I have some straight friends who know I am gay. They did not know at first, but when I told them, they were ok with it. Nothing has changed in our relationship. They actually treat me like their little brother. They come up behind me and hug me, we work out together, shower together, drink together. They don't act in any way different knowing I am gay. So yes, you can have friendships with straight guys. You just have to find a straight guy that has not been corrupted by the worlds view. One that thinks for himself.

  3. #3
    trydegrau
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Try not to fall for them, thats all i gotta say.

  4. #4
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    The fact that my best friend likes girls and I like guys is probably one of the few differences between us. Sexual orientation shouldn't and doesn't affect the levels of friendship you can have.

    Both of us are complete dorks for games, spongebob, anime, and computer stuff. We share the same politcal beliefs and can spend tons of time just hanging out doing nothing. We like the same kidns of music as wella s different kinds of music to share with one another. He's the best guy I could ever ask for as a confidant and buddy. Inf act,w e often fall out of interest with things around the same times. He's been supportive of me ever since I came out and has asked me things, listens when I have problems with myf amily or my ex and I do the same for him. He's accepting and embraces who I am. Inf act, he was the one who told me that June was Gay Pride month.

    I won't even go into my other straight friends who I count as my closest because this entry would go on forever.

    No offense, but to me, this question is preposterous. If you can't relate to your friends just because they're talking about heterosexual marriage, relationships, and having kids, then that's because you a) don't click in other areas b) you have serious baggage about heterosexuality or c) just aren't a good listener.

  5. #5

    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    i've been fortunate enough to meet people who accept me for me. for some strange reason i attract the oppisite to myself. i'm the laid back individual and they are the social butterfly. to me friendships are like relationships. if you have to think about it or try too hard at it it ain't worth it. dude accept it for what it is. if they're fine with it cool, if not fuck'em...

  6. #6
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by rugbyusa
    I have some straight friends who know I am gay. They did not know at first, but when I told them, they were ok with it. Nothing has changed in our relationship. They actually treat me like their little brother. They come up behind me and hug me, we work out together, shower together, drink together. They don't act in any way different knowing I am gay. So yes, you can have friendships with straight guys. You just have to find a straight guy that has not been corrupted by the worlds view. One that thinks for himself.
    rugbyusa, my friends have not changed how they treat me, but there is this sense that we dont have as much in common as we use to. As adults, sex is on our mind a lot, and knowing what they want, and what I want, its not similar at all.

    All my friends accept it, but I dont think they are all comfortable with the idea. So, yes, we make jokes, and everyone is fine. But I dont feel I can get real serious about my life and my plans.

    The point is, with us going in what seems to be such different directions, I wonder if our friendship will last.

  7. #7
    JUB Addict 3nipples's Avatar
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I have lots in common with my two close straight male friends.

  8. #8
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I think that it is unfortunate that "things in common" seems to be limited to sex. While sex is a large part of growing up and adulthood, it isn't everything.

    Not only do I think it is possible to have true friends who are straight (and by the way, you seem to be implying that "straight friends" is really "straight MALE friends,") but my best friend is a straight male.
    We talk about everything; including sex.
    Just because he hasn't or won't experience sex or even kissing a guy, doesn't mean he hasn't experienced intimacy or hurt feelings or relationships in general. Do we go into detail about our sexual escapades? No, not really.

    But beyond sex we have a lot in common, and common interests.
    But more importantly, we share similar values.
    And maybe most important, we have great senses of humour. We can each make the other laugh.
    Sometimes we will talk for an hour about nothing. Quite literally.

    And as I alluded to before, what about having true straight FEMALE friends? (Which I also have in case you were wondering.) Wouldn't they experience a number of the same things sexually that straight male friends would not?
    "Separate... Unique...

    Neither can exist without the other."

  9. #9
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    The fact that I sleep with men and my straight male friends sleep with women is just one little aspect of a very complex friendship. We love the same music. We love action flicks. We enjoy good food and conversation. We are on the same end of the political spectrum. Who we sleep with isn't even an issue.
    ==============


  10. #10
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Of course it is....

    My two dearest male friends are str8 as can be, and frankly
    could give a f*** about who I'm sleeping with....

    It helps to surround yourself with intelligent, open-minded
    people. I mean, that's why I became friends with them in the first
    place.

    That being said, there IS something about the concept of 'falling
    for them'. Fortunately, I'm not physically attracted to either of them, so that doesn't get in the way.

    I HAVE had str8 friends in the past that I lusted after, and trust me, that never works out. A few beers, a move I shouldn't
    have made....

    Well, you guys know the score.

    Josh



  11. #11
    rugbyusa
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by bayern20
    The point is, with us going in what seems to be such different directions, I wonder if our friendship will last.

    Well, true friends grow with each other. Our lives always change, doesn't matter if you are straight or gay. We are constantly changing, our friends constantly change. So you and your friends have to make an effort at the relationship if its important to you. You are either going to grow together or you will start to part and if that happens, you have to accept it. There are friends that are friends for life and others come into your life for just a little while. That is what life is all about.

  12. #12
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    There are friends that are friends for life and others come into your life for just a little while. That is what life is all about.
    That is true. However, do you agree that generally it makes things a lot more complex because not everyone is accepting and comfortable?

    How about the attraction factor? Many say women and men (hetero) cant be friends because they are attracted to each other.

  13. #13
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by bayern20

    How would you define what a friend IS and SHOULD be?

    <snip>
    One of my favorite poets, James Kavanaugh puts it best:

    "Friendship is freedom, is flowing, is rare... Emptiness brings shadows and crowds easy to replace. Fullness brings a friend. Friendship does not exhaust or cling, except or demand. It is- and that is enough!"


    That's who my friends are, straight and gay!

    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  14. #14
    Tadzio DaVeneto
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I dont define myself by my sexaulity. Just because I am not attracted to the same things my friends are, doesnt mean we have nothing in common. There is so much else. And Im not one to wear my orientation on my sleeve. It just doesnt come up all that much. I think gay people who talk about nothing but how gay they are, become annoying after a while. This is American-homosexual syndrome. Once out of the closet, American gays always seem to feel the need to constantly remind everyone that theyre gay and proud to make up for the years of hiding or something. It feels nice to be out. Ive never had any issue with being in or out or whatever. So its not something I really make a big fuss over, and I have no problem maintaining friendships with all sorts of people.

  15. #15
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Lol,My best friend is straight and he has been going out with his girlfriend for the past 5 years.
    We're just normal best friends,our sexuality never causes problems (well somtimes i get queezy when i see his collection of lezbo porn lol)
    We have loads in common,the only thing thats much different is he likes Liverpool and pussy and i like Arsenal and cock......and he cant handle his drink as good as me

  16. #16
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    One of my straight male friends is happy that I'm gay because there's no competition between us for sexual attention from a potential partner. We have far more to talk about than sex because we share very similar interests. There was the time I was obviously lusting after this cute, young, twink, and another of my straight male friends (SMF) called me a Catholic priest. My response was that I'd seen him lust after enough pretty, young, things to be called a dirty old man. We had an absolute great laugh over that one.

    At the same time, I have gay male friends and we aren't preoccupied with sex either. It might come up (as it does with a straight friend), but it's not our be-all-end-all. Even in a romantic relationship, I want more than what happens sexually. Maybe it's something that's come with maturity.


    The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. ~Oscar Wilde

  17. #17
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by psylockespears
    Lol,My best friend is straight and he has been going out with his girlfriend for the past 5 years.
    We're just normal best friends,our sexuality never causes problems (well somtimes i get queezy when i see his collection of lezbo porn lol)
    We have loads in common,the only thing thats much different is he likes Liverpool and pussy and i like Arsenal and cock......and he cant handle his drink as good as me
    haha..you put that well.

    I guess its me. Maybe I am uncomfortable to truly open up about the life I imagine for myself with friends who viewed me as a straight guy before. (maybe it will come, but I'm not there yet)

  18. #18
    JDsmagik
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    You're putting too much "weight" and expectations on your definition of a "true" friend.

    You can't manufacture a "true" friend, it's something that just happens over time and it matters not what their sexual orientation is.
    You'll probably never meet anyone who has all the same interests, likes and dislikes as yourself.
    (That would be a little freaky, anyway)

    Every friend I've ever had, gay and straight, bi and tranny, has been different in their own way, and none of them were (always) in agreement with me.

    We learn from others' diversity.

    I cherish all of them.

  19. #19

    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Of course you can have straight friends, just like you can have married friends, older friends, younger friends...

    Friends are people you are comfortable with, whose company you enjoy. Like so many people have always said, who you are sexually attracted to is but a small part of who you are. There are so many other aspects of your personality that you share with a wide variety of friends.

  20. #20
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I think the problem is that you have straight friends who aren't as comfortable and accepting and holistic as you want them to be, so you've assumed or begun to question whether or not straight men in general can be that type of friend you lack. The thing is, it's not straight men in general, it's your friends who happen to be straight men. There are many, mnay straight men who are comfortable talking about same sex issues and will listen and comment on a friend's same sex issues with all the empathy and support that they would give another straight guy friend or girl or whatever.

    I don't think it's you (though it could be) and I think it's your friends.

  21. #21
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I agree with Luminum on this, as well as a bunch of the others. While sex is important to life, it should not be a hindrance to a friendship. No two people have identical personalities, so the emphasis on what they have "in common" can only go so far. Beyond that, a friendship requires emotional support for one another.

  22. #22
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tadzio DaVeneto
    I dont define myself by my sexaulity. Just because I am not attracted to the same things my friends are, doesnt mean we have nothing in common. There is so much else. And Im not one to wear my orientation on my sleeve. It just doesnt come up all that much. I think gay people who talk about nothing but how gay they are, become annoying after a while. This is American-homosexual syndrome. Once out of the closet, American gays always seem to feel the need to constantly remind everyone that theyre gay and proud to make up for the years of hiding or something. It feels nice to be out. Ive never had any issue with being in or out or whatever. So its not something I really make a big fuss over, and I have no problem maintaining friendships with all sorts of people.
    Well said! Kudos!!
    Stone cold sober as a matter of fact.

  23. #23
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Thats right.

    However, I think you are living on freaken mars if you dont discuss sexual stuff with your friends. (and I mean ALL the time) That is the most discussed subject out there. It gets in to conversation somehow all the time. So, IMO, there definetley has to be a comfortability with that.

    Its a work in progress for me. Ever since I came out to friends maybe 6 months ago now, it has been work on my part and their part to get really comfortable talking about things. They accept it, but discussing things can get all of us abit uncomfortable, myself included. I knew myself as a straight guy not long ago either.

  24. #24
    alister9669
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    My best friend is straight. Although he didn't know I was gay from the beginning he does now. He's completely comfortable with me, even when I innocently flirt with him.

  25. #25
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    bayern20, I can see where you're coming from. I can't say that all of my conversations revolve around sex, but relationships, romance, etc. in general, yes. Everytime I go back to Ottawa, I meet up with my friends, and we do inevitably start talking about our girlfriends/boyfriends or lack thereof.

    Last weekend, we chatted about gay relationships and such. They didn't seem uncomfortable, and we were in the middle of a busy restaurant. In fact, it's like my straight friends are more comfortable talking to me about gay related issues, than are my gay friends. I think the big issue that'll come up, is if they'd come out to a gay club with me when I get back to Ottawa. (And I came out about 6mos ago, too)

  26. #26
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by trydegrau
    Try not to fall for them, thats all i gotta say.
    Amen, brother. You can say that again.

  27. #27
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by bayern20
    Thats right.

    However, I think you are living on freaken mars if you dont discuss sexual stuff with your friends. (and I mean ALL the time) That is the most discussed subject out there. It gets in to conversation somehow all the time.
    I hardly touch base with the sex subject, with a couple of my best friends. Some of them really just don't see the point of talking about sex, it would end up being a boring covnersation anyway. Sex is a cop out for conversation, because it's one of the easiest things to discuss.

  28. #28

    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Straight friends? HA! Everybody has a little bit of gay in them. They just never acted on it because of society.

  29. #29
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Of course it´s possible, now to find at least one is less probable... you are more likely to find a cute, clever gay bitch who adores you (or says so) than a mere male friend.

  30. #30
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I have straight friends who I haven't TOLD yet, but I'm pretty sure they know that I'm gay. And they dont' seem to have a problem with it at all.

  31. #31
    rln222
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Yeah i think its possible, infact, i know its possible. I have many many guy friends who are straight, and they have no problem with who i am. Its your true friends that stick by you...wow that sounded really cheesy.... ...but its true

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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by rln222
    Yeah i think its possible, infact, i know its possible. I have many many guy friends who are straight, and they have no problem with who i am. Its your true friends that stick by you...wow that sounded really cheesy.... ...but its true
    lol, it does sound cheesy, but it's so true

  33. #33
    teh_nathan
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I'm sure it's possible but for me, I have yet to find that out - my best friends are all gay

  34. #34
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tadzio DaVeneto View Post
    I dont define myself by my sexaulity. Just because I am not attracted to the same things my friends are, doesnt mean we have nothing in common. There is so much else.

    And Im not one to wear my orientation on my sleeve. It just doesnt come up all that much. I think gay people who talk about nothing but how gay they are, become annoying after a while. *snip*
    TD got it right IMO....if one's sexuality is not THE defining characteristic, then there is MUCH which can be shared between true and close friends...

    i have many friends ....real loving and true friends....with whom i have shared more than 20 or 30 years of wonderful experiences......laughter and tears....

    i wouldn't trade one of my friends for anything.....

  35. #35
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Well I had friends who where there for me...until I came out to them. All of my friends accepted me except for one. My best friend. The one that I had been experimenting with. I did everything with him except the anal thing....he never did the oral back though. We started fooling around in Grade 10 (1991) and continued through college. Stopped doing it in 2003. This year, in Feb. He gets his first girlfriend and everything is cool...we all hang out and stuff. Two months later his G/F begins to "mature" the relationship and my friend just started singing like a bird!! Told her everything and how it was just an experiment and that he loves girls....bottomline........He's stopped talking to me, his girlfriend views me as the "EX" and my other two friends have stopped talking to me too cause they think I'm trying to break them up.

    But this ends good...I made new friends who are comfortable with who I am. and it's good, so yeah you can have straight friends....though it is alittle difficult to talk about gay issues and feelings and such. Which is why I have JUB!

  36. #36
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Yes. For the last time, yes. And they can be the most supportive friends you could ever need. My best friend has always been there for me and he's straight and awesome.

  37. #37
    teh_nathan
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I see lots of stories about guys who fooled around with their friends but that's never happened to me. Just call me boring :\

  38. #38

    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Interesting. This has been on my mind too. I have few straight male friends now and I would like to develop some new friendships.

    I've been really disappointed by some straight male "friends" who completely let the friendship go when they found girlfriends. There was one who I used to go out for lunch with once per week. Once the girlfriend entered the picture, that ended, even though she moved in with him and they married. Apparently one hour per week can no longer be spared. Then they had kids and he wants to rush home to see them every lunch hour.

    Another straight friend told me he has no social life whatsoever any more, just work during the day then home in the evening.

    That is really unbalanced. It seemed like my parents' generation was a lot better at balancing family, work, and friendships.

  39. #39
    teh_nathan
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I don't quite get the whole inability to balance friendships/relationships.

    I've always been able to do it (well..considering the amazing lack of a relationship, it's a lot easier now )

  40. #40
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    If I count up six or seven people - the ones who I consider my best friends - only two of them are gay.

    I sometimes find, in fact, that what could be a wonderful friendship with somebody gay, is compromised by them possibly not finding me as attractive as what they'd prefer for a sexual partner. It's not something that bothers me at all, but it seems to affect their ideas of friendship. (Sexual attraction or playing is a trivial factor with me, if at all - and actually having sex has little effect on how I feel about somebody.)

    Because my sexual "attractiveness" is not a factor at all with a (potential or established) friend who is non-gay, I often find it easier to hang and form friendships with straight guys. The lack of this factor seems to more than offset the likelihood that a straight guy may have some form of homophobia or uneasiness about the topic, along with ther fact that the topic doesn't necessarily become relevant anyway.

    Since I rarely "start something" or even talk about all that much gay stuff even when hanging with one or more people in gay circumstances, I'd have to say that my interactions with gays and straights...well, the similarities far outnumber the differences.
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  41. #41
    A Crazy Canadian!
    screwnutty's Avatar
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Quote Originally Posted by wundersteve View Post
    Interesting. This has been on my mind too. I have few straight male friends now and I would like to develop some new friendships.

    I've been really disappointed by some straight male "friends" who completely let the friendship go when they found girlfriends. There was one who I used to go out for lunch with once per week. Once the girlfriend entered the picture, that ended, even though she moved in with him and they married. Apparently one hour per week can no longer be spared. Then they had kids and he wants to rush home to see them every lunch hour.

    Another straight friend told me he has no social life whatsoever any more, just work during the day then home in the evening.

    That is really unbalanced. It seemed like my parents' generation was a lot better at balancing family, work, and friendships.
    I hear you there! Why do they do that? I don't like being mean but I find myself hoping that they break up just so that he comes back and wants to hang out so that I can tell him to &&E#T*$T$ off!!!

  42. #42
    teh_nathan
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    For me..
    The person that I consider my closest friend (but lives quite far away), I'm not sexually attracted to him at all, and I wouldn't even date him (it's just in that little gray area close to dating).

    My other close friends are married, so I don't even think in that way =)

  43. #43
    The Baroness of Bling
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Obviously it's possible, as so many of the above responses prove; but I've never had a close straight male friend. I thought I did, my best friend in high-school and college, but then he came out right after graduation. I've never quite gotten over being hurt by that... but that's another story. My best friend right now is a straight girl, but her personality is so unlike the average straight girl that I have dubbed her an honorary gay man (actually, I say she's a gay man stuck in a woman's body).

    Nevertheless, I can't imagine holding a guy's sexuality against him in a friendship. I've simply yet to meet a straight man who is into any of the things I'm into. I live a pretty gay life, I have stereotypically gay interests, and I don't find myself in social contact with a lot of straights in general. I don't avoid them, really, I just feel more comfortable around gay people and so I tend to stick with them.

    I would like to have a straight male friend; I think I could learn a lot from him, and he from me. My thing about friends is that we have to have enough things in common that we can enjoy doing things together, but different enough that we can learn from each other.

    But I have never chosen my friends... my friendships have always developed over time without any shepherding on my part; the only friendships I have that I worked for were men I initially wanted to date, but who only wanted friendship from me. Which is a lot like falling for your straight male friends.

    * Question the Dominant Paradigm *

  44. #44
    ...and I'm not sorry JUB Friend Soilwork's Avatar
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    I have lots of straight friends that I have lots in common with.. we like the same music, we like to meet up and ride our bikes and we like to party together.

    we hang out together and care about what is going on with the others.. so yeah.. we're friends.
    Gentlemen.... Thank you.

  45. #45
    Sex God
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    Re: Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?

    Man, you brought an old thread up, Soil..hehe

    I do think its possible now, though.

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