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  1. #1
    The Notorious C.U.N.T. TierraSimms's Avatar
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    The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Who would Scarlett least like to be with?


    By: BILL JENSEN & RYAN STEWART

    4/18/2006 6:34:51 PM

    Welcome to the first installment of ThePhoenix.com's 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. After pouring through thousands of photographs, millions of frames of movies and TV shows, the staff at thephoenix.com has compiled a list of the least sexy males on the planet.

    1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing, but that still can't save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman.

    2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis Nixon?

    3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn't fuck him.

    4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid.

    5. Alan Colmes: Not really fair, since he's got to sit next to brown shirt-stud Hannity each night. But Colmes - lazy eye, unkept hair, droopy features - has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!

    6. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music.

    7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.

    8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn't on the list). But a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not getting any style points.

    9. Jay Leno: "It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a good way," was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed comic.

    10. Don Imus: "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but not in a good way," was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of skin and bones.

    11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

    12. Wallace Shawn: Even if you're attracted to his rounded dome, how can anyone get past that nasally lisp?

    13. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked.

    14. Richard Simmons: Words don't do it justice.

    15. Jon Lovitz: Bald, annoying, unfunny, and hair in the all the wrong places. For all we know, he was running through the cast of League of Their Own. But we doubt it.

    16. Carrot Top: Sheer obnoxiousness necessitates his placement on this list.

    17. Jerry Seinfeld: This is for everyone who has ever yelled at the TV when Jerry brought home another model on Seinfeld.

    18. Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point.

    19. Chevy Chase: He got unfunny with age. Then he got ugly.

    20. Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him.

    21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron Howard, he's just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.

    22. Clint Howard: Ron's younger, balder, and weirder-looking brother. Yes, weirder looking than Ron Howard.

    23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: "Gates apparently made a deal with the devil – 'You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'"

    24. Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays.

    25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?

    26. Tim Burton: He's got the Robert Smith hair coupled with a mighty hunch. Yet he's dating Helena Bonham Carter.

    27. Edward James Olmos: Remember season one of South Park? When Kenny was a zombie, everyone assumed it was an Edward James Olmos costume. Wonder why.

    28. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12.

    29. Don Zimmer: The gerbil's got a massive, ivory-white noggin' that never did much thinking to begin with. Ask any Red Sox fan over 35.

    30. Tony Kornheiser: Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle.

    31. Chris Kattan

    32. Otis Nixon

    33. Julian Tavarez

    34. Christopher Lloyd

    35. Willie McGee

    36. Pat Cummings

    3 7. Scottie Pippen

    38. Larry David

    39. Michael Moore

    40. Al Franken: Too arrogant

    41. Paris Latsis: Maybe not the worst-looking guy in the world, but, well, think about who was there first.

    42. Rush Limbaugh: No doubt he will claim his placement on this list as a result of a media bias and not the fact that he's just butt-ugly

    43. David Gest

    44. Garey Busey: Those teeth would give anyone nightmares.

    45. Nick Nolte: Busey's oddball partner in crime, but at least he had a career once.

    46. Leif Garrett

    47. Andy Dick: It's a trap!

    48. Scott Stapp

    49. Lyle Lovett

    50. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care.

    51. Bill Wyman

    52. Danny DeVito

    53. Peter Jackson

    54. Drew Carey

    55. Newt Gingrich

    56. Rob Schneider

    57. Ed O'Neil: We love ya, Ed, but sorry. There was a reason you never waited on any really hot girls at that shoe store.

    58. Bill O'Reilly

    59. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone's bratty little brother.

    60. Joe Lieberman

    61. Jim Gaffigan: Pasty, goofy-looking comedians abound on this list.

    62. Bill Maher: . . . Especially ones with poodle hair.

    63. John Popper

    64. Dennis Miller

    65. John Madden: Those massive hands seem more frightening than anything. Boom!

    66. Robert Englund: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about Freddy Krueger.

    67. Robert Patrick: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about the T-1000

    68. John Ashcroft

    69. Joe Gannascolli

    70. Kevin James: His TV marriage to Leah Remini on King of Queens is less believable than anything on Lost.

    71. George Steinbrenner: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

    72. Grady Little: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

    73. Harvey Pekar

    74. DJ Qualls: What's he weigh, like, 70 pounds? How much of that is grease?

    75. Joey Buttafuoco

    76. Garry Shandling

    77. Meat Loaf Aday

    78. Joe Walsh

    79. Tom from Myspace: As a friend of mine said, why does he have to be everyone's friend? Isn't that a little needy? Not hot at all.

    80. Art Garfunkel

    81. Brian Posehn

    82. Howie Mandel

    83. Barry Bonds – If what his mistress told the authors of Game of Shadows is true, then no, you don't want any part of that

    84. Dick Vitale – Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling that sex with Dickie V. would be anything but "awesome, baby."

    85. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg

    86. Jeff Van Gundy

    87. Jimmy Johnson: It's the hair

    88. John Clayton: How is this ESPN's top football guy?

    89. Don Vito: I suppose we were never really supposed to know what Bam Margera's uncle looks like, but since we do, he has to be included.

    90. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him.

    91. Hideki Matsui

    91. Jose Canseco: "Every time I have tried to help a woman, I've been incarcerated," he famously said on The Surreal Life. You old charmer, you.

    92. Bill Parcells: Especially when you see the photos of him in shorts at training camp

    93. Ric Flair: To be the man – WOO! – you got to . . . do something about those man boobs!

    94. Ralph Nader

    95. Dennis Kucinich: Something about those progressives.

    96. Horatio Sanz: Laughing at your own jokes is not sexy

    97. Dom DeLuise

    98. Emeril Lagasse

    99. Kevin Federline: Mooching hicks aren't so hot these days.

    100.Brad Pitt: He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he's probably not worth it.

    Copyright © 2006 The Phoenix Media/Communications Group
    This isn't the first time I've heard about Brad's BO problem, it'S more the 100th time. I starting to believe its true too.
    http://i27.tinypic.com/2nlbo8x.jpg

    Yeah, the bitch is BACK!

  2. #2
    Giving you a helping hand youdontknow's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I think that David Gest should be number 1 ... or number 100... whichever is ugliest

    for some reason, i find tom from myspace strangely attractive, if you see his pics, the one of him in pink plus... he has all the money and is god of myspace so hell yeah!
    Benluc..

  3. #3
    Needs more cayenne KentuckyPython's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I've hear that story about Brad Pitt since Thelma and Louise.


    The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. ~Oscar Wilde

  4. #4
    On the Prowl josh13659's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I'd do Brad Pitt if he washed Angelina off him first. A little honest dirt never hurt and can sometimes be a turn-on, but leftover pussy is disgusting.

  5. #5
    JUB Addict Sir Les's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Really. The bad smell on Brad Pitt is the stench of pussy. GAG! Retch!

  6. #6
    biggieboy8
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    99 of them yes but Jerry Seinfeld is kind of sexy in a way

  7. #7
    Kuja
    Guest

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I agree with the list, but some of the comments are stupid and irritating.

    I'd do Brad Pitt, no matter his smell.

  8. #8
    Dubhcnum
    Guest

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I'd much rather do Angelina! You know after you're finished with her you'll be sore in all the wrong, and right, ways! I'm not bi or str8 but i'm willing to convert for her ok!

  9. #9
    Giving you a helping hand youdontknow's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Quote Originally Posted by Dubhcnum
    I'd much rather do Angelina! You know after you're finished with her you'll be sore in all the wrong, and right, ways! I'm not bi or str8 but i'm willing to convert for her ok!
    haha... i love it! well done

    I dunno what i am, straight + curious or bi... but either way... angelina is THE hottest thing EVER!
    Benluc..

  10. #10
    Crashdown
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Didn't we have a thread about it in Hot Topics? I could be wrong though...

  11. #11
    On to the next one.... willsboy84's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    [QUOTE=youdontknow]I think that David Gest should be number 1 ... or number 100... whichever is ugliest

    that's Liza's ex right? if so truer words have never been spoken. that guy is so fuckin creepy.....ugh, makes my damn skin craw!!
    Liza should take that as proof that she's popped one pill too many....

  12. #12
    On to the next one.... willsboy84's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    i was gonna do a post like this asking about guys who most would say no fuckin way to...but something about them just does it for you. for me the one that comes to mind is Kane from WWE. Most people would prolly run the other way if they saw him approaching but there's just somethin about that guy......

  13. #13
    biggieboy8
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    add 1 more to the list Johnny Damon he reminds me of an ape a blind one at that thinking he is gods gift to women please

  14. #14

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Brad Pitt got ugly because he got stupid. Angelina will eat him up and toss him aside in little time. Hope she leaves him with all him privates..........

  15. #15

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    ................................................

  16. #16
    Porn Star jessicarabit99's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    freakyboy03 actually this isn't lame, it's just a waste of space, so you can rack up posting points!!

    Mary Cherry 1: A Callow, Greedy, Retarded Person

  17. #17
    JUB Addict Claudio63's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Take Dennis Miller out of the list and I have no strong objections. Not a bad list.

  18. #18
    craving777
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    For me:

    i ThinK

    Michael Jackson
    Dr Phil
    Brad Pitt
    Jay Leno
    Vocalist of FOO FIGHTERs ( )

  19. #19
    Sp00n51
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    How mean spirited is this?

    Quote Originally Posted by TierraSimms
    This isn't the first time I've heard about Brad's BO problem, it'S more the 100th time. I starting to believe its true too.

  20. #20
    Amateur *********
    nwdavis's Avatar
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    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    The left off David Spade!
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/userimages/1/0/1/8/9/264847.jpg
    "I’ll simply assert that I believe most gay men possess three genes that aren’t shared by a large portion of the population. Those genes are Quality, Taste, and Style." - Tim Gunn

  21. #21

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Kevin Bacon!

  22. #22
    Hot4Porn
    Guest

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Kevin Bacon are you mad. Anyway I would still do Brad. I have bad alletgies most of the time I can't smell anything. But i would maker him take a hundred shows to clean off Angelina first. She scares me.

  23. #23

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Quote Originally Posted by josh13659 View Post
    I'd do Brad Pitt if he washed Angelina off him first. A little honest dirt never hurt and can sometimes be a turn-on, but leftover pussy is disgusting.
    Exactly. I love the manly smell of Brad Pitt and Mathew McConaughy

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