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  1. #201
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    You're hiding too many things, I think. You want to be with him, and you want to be WITH him -- he knows the first, but not the second. I think you need to start letting him know! And about the homophobic thing, ask him if he really meant that, 'cause you're gay, and it makes you uncomfortable hearing that. And that topic could be a lead-in to mentioning the old, and never-dead, crush.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  2. #202
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys.


    I'm in such a deep depression and I am finding it hurtful.

    I am almost sick of seeing the way I have been and this "is he or isnt he gay" stuff. I have been in denial this whole time, letting my brain and heart play foolish mind games and tricks on me.

    I should have looked at the writing on the wall. It was written in bold and big letters. "HE IS NOT GAY OR INTO YOU".

    I know my depression the past few days has been because of this realization that I have come to in my mind. He didnt say or do anything to make me think this. For some reason this reality just hit me hard.

    I feel worthless. I feel like such a fucking loser. How could I conjure up this fantasy and even think about playing it off as if it was real.

    There are some of you who are probably saying to yourselves "about fucking time he realized this shit". Yeah about damn time.

    My heart is hurting and my gut feels like I have just been socked a million times.

    How could I BE such a naive fool.

    I read the stories on here thousands of times before I even posted and I suspect Ill see a thousand more like mine. Why was I so blind?

    I need to move on with these thoughts and I am finding it so hard. A lot of my emotion and thoughts of the future went with these ideal things that I pictured happening to me and him. What was I thinking?

    Now that these thoughts are gone, I feel very empty. I dont know how to move on from this.

    I just got off the phone with him and he said "Bri you sound very odd lately..and I know your in a depression..last night when you said you didnt feel like talking..I knew something was up..we always talk..you can tell me anything..if you cannot tell me, who can you tell?

    I dont need to tell him what Im feeling. I already know the outcome. Why do I have to make that real? So I dont have to go on living this fantasy? Believe me, im living in this fantasy world less and less each time I talk to him now and as each day passes.

    My buddy made it real hard not to fall for him. The things he said and did. But I fell for him. Hook line and sinker.

    I hope I find some way to replace this emptiness. I know I know..find something your into, a hobby perhaps..join a group..etc etc...I know this advice ie well spirited and intended but spare me.

    He is my best friend and brother. Yet at the same time there were things I did for other reasons. Reasons only I knew. Tims I went over and beyond to help him out. I tortured my heart, mind and soul. I have almost a Masters degree yet I couldnt see how this was going to end. Some of you on here warned/told me how this was going to end and I refused to see it.

    My heart is hurting with such an unbearable pain. The tears are flowing but Im so used to that. Invested so much emotionally. It is not his fault. It wasnt him that was wishing to be with me. It was me wishing to be with him. It is completely all my fault.

    I acted immature and like a child. My heart is shattered.

    I feel a million things...

    Sad.Lonely.Dumb.Immature.Blind.Naive.Alone.Lost.Co nfused.Wanting to stay in NYC now. Not caring so much about Vegas anymore.

    I feel like hurting myself..gone are the days where I would even try it anymore so dont go the I need pills and more therapy route..I just feel like it..cant I feel like it? I know we all do from time to time.

    Im almost 30. Life is so short. I feel like Im missing out on so much. I struggled for so long through my teens and all through my twenties that I feel like I missed out on so many memories. I wish I didnt get abused as a kid. Maybe then I wouldnt have felt such shame for being gay growing up and maybe I could have led a more normal life.

    I feel so alone. Im crying too much now, I need to go. I will update later..I will need to talk more. Brian


    Loving someone who cannot/will not love you back is one of the hardest pains.

  3. #203
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Brian, So sorry to hear that you're hurting. I think most of us have convinced ourselves at one point or another that if I just love someone enough it'll all work out. And it's really less painful in the short-term to believe in the fantasy, but every story has an ending.

    Just know this - you're not alone as many of us have made the same mistake. And you're NOT EVEN 30 yet! Lots of us are far older and still able to find someone to love that will love us back - you will as well now that you're not spending every spare moment in the fantasy. The fastest way I've found through the kind of pain you're experiencing right now is just to open up to it, feel it fully, wallow in it for a couple days if you need to and then get fed up with hurting and get on with life. And remember, you have a whole bunch of friends here supporting you.

  4. #204
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Brian, you've had a moment of truth, and your heart is breaking. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. While there's nothing I can do or say to ease that pain, I do know what it feels like and there is no pain like it. If it was an infection or a tumor, you could cut it out and feel better in a few days. But, this pain is so bad and intense and there's no medicine for it...except time.

    We're all here for you. Many of us have exerienced what you have. We survive, grow, and--yes--even find happiness again as elusive as that emotion feels at the moment.

    Hang in there. You'll survive because you're a good man with a good heart who has a good head on his shoulders.


  5. #205
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Things are just not good.

    I feel suicidal. Im crying so bad over here.

    I have so very much lost my way.

    Some of you have PMed me saying this is not something to get down about.

    I just got off the phone with my buddy. H called back because he was worried about me. I wanted to tell him and I danced around it for as long as I could, and at one point almost said it to him. But what is the point of saying it??? I know hes going to tell me that its ok, but he doesnt feel the same way.

    So why do I need to tell him?

    Im so emotionally drained.

    Im surprised no one has come on here saying that this is what I get for falling for a straight guy.

    I fell for a good hearted person who makes me whole and happy in everyway. I guess I was too blinded by all of that to see things correctly.

    My heart hurts so much.

    bri

  6. #206
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    You don't know what could change if you tell him.

    Just tell him.

  7. #207
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hun, have a scotch and get some rest. You'll have more moments like this, unfortunately. But, you'll have good times. You seemed in a much better mood a few days ago. Ups and downs I'm afraid.
    As for why you need to tell him, it's not for him so much as it is for you. He may respond the way you expect, but it might be that catalyst to get him thinking seriously about his feelings. Dunno. I tend to be a hopeless optimist.

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Give a man religion, and he'll starve praying for a fish.

  8. #208
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Okay...
    Unless you're a prophet, you DON'T know what he's going to say!
    From your posts, it sounds to me like he's been giving mixed signals. Dude, get your ass in gear and tell him so, tell him about your crush on him, work into giving him the whole truth!
    Maybe what you think will happen, will. But one thing: if you DON'T tell him, you've nbroken something special you two have had -- sharing everything. That's something not many people ever get, and you'd be a fool to throw it away! You KNOW he's not going to cut you off, right? So stop wallowing, and get to it!
    Besides, by not telling him, you're torturing yourself. You say you know what he'll say, but unless you tell, and he says, there will always be a little voice in your head wondering if just maybe... just maybe.... and that will eat at you, and slowly it will destroy your friendship. Brian, he can tell there's something eating at you -- if you don't tell him what, he's gonna be hurt, and the longer that goes on, the more it will eat into your friendship.

    Bottom line: call the man, and tell him.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  9. #209
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    That was very eloquently put, Kulindahr

  10. #210

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hi Brian,

    I have a few questions to ask you. You say he's given you every signal that he's straight or can't return the love you have for him in the way you love him. That maybe the case, but similar to everyone's sentiments, you haven't heard it from the horses mouth and don't know what he will reveal.

    You entertain so many scenarios in your head on the possible outcomes that it's overwhelming. Hell, I'm feeling overwhelmed as I feel like I'm riding with you on your journey since you write so well. You are a gifted writer.

    Reading back on your 2nd to the last post, I think there was something said in a recent conversation that happened that made you reposition if he maybe gay or not and that conversation did not go over so well. I'm just taking a stab at things and forgive me for assuming wrongly.

    My question is, how does Matt play in your story.... are you two dating? How does he fit in the equation? He may not be your ideal man as you have pictured your buddy, but you can give him a chance too and he may be a guy who can reciprocate the way you want to be loved.

    So what if your friend tells you he can't love you the way you want to be loved. He still loves you for who you are. He's helped you get out of your shell and experience life. You can't say you've thrown your life away pining for something that you couldn't get, hasn't he returned something more to you? Hasn't he allowed you to get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, give you friendship. You even got to tell him your deepest secret in that you're gay and reading your previous post, you were so very happy in revealing that information with him. I think the rest of us were as well, you had us all on the edge or our seats!

    I know this is a statement that is beaten to death, but at the end of the day, the only person that can make you happy with yourself is YOU!

    What are your alternatives at this point? You either tell him your feelings and he says he can't love you that way leaving you with a myriad of emotions that you have to deal with, but at least it's concrete and not imaginary scenarios that plays over and over like a broken record that tortures your psyche. Who knows, he maybe gay after all given all the mixed messages you've been given. Plus, you still have Matt! Also, take into account what you've been able to do without his physical support. You've met a gay friend, are pursuing your educational/career goal, and going out.

    You have so much to live for. Rooting for ya. Here's to a better tomorrow - I hope. Take care and well wishes.

  11. #211

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    You should just tell him to give closure to to yourself. NOt just to hope for him to suddenly hop into bed withyou. But do it so he'll give you an answer and you can move on and not have to wonder what if. What if i told him and he felt the same way. So if he does say he doesn't feel the same way, at least you've gotten it off your chest and can probably move on to another love interest with him still by yourside as your best friend. Hope you feel better, and have a good outcome in the near future.

  12. #212
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys.


    My buddy called me at 5am my time this morning.

    He asked me how I was doing because he had been worried about me. He said hes down too and pretty lost about some things. Hes afraid he wont make it out there and stuff like that.

    I told him I dont know about Vegas anymore. And I really didnt..and I still dont. He got very worried. I said Ii felt very hurt that he left and that he should only know what he means to me and how I mis him.

    I told him that as much as I could go there he can come here too. He said he knows that and if he had the money he would.

    I also told him that "your moving was and is hard...I let on that it doesnt hurt but it does...we were supposed to..." and he stops me short and goes "i know we were so you dont even have to say it..i know what you are going to say.."

    What I was going to say was how we were always going grow old together and love near each other and be happy with our lives.

    His talk calmed me down a little. I cant even count the times I cried on the phone with him last night and told him I miss him.

    He said he knows something is up and that I must be very down. He asked if its about helping him with money. I said no. He asked if its about him. I said kind of yeah. He asked if he upset me with all the stories of him hanging out with his friend there..and I said that triggered it but no thats not it..He said that he knows how I am..that it takes me a little while to open up to things but that I will eventually tell him. And he was right. I eventually will. Its just going to take a little while longer.

    Today at school a woman my age who used to work in my school came back and told us how teaching in California was just so great and how she enjoys it in Beverly Hills.

    This other woman my age in my school currently working there , who I get along with well and who is also this Cali ladies best friend..suggested that me and her go be roommates out there in Cali in the fall or maybe next year.

    It was an interesting option. One that I felt bad for considering, seeing how I didnt tell my buddy about it yet..

    But when my buddy and Ii got off the phone, he called me back 5 minutes later saying he had an anxiety attack and that hes down and depressed. We are too much alike, we even feel the same things around the same time. I love him so much.

    Will update more later, Brian xoxoxoxo

  13. #213
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys back here with a small Saturday update..

    Even though the situations are the same..I am at least feeling a little bit better.

    Yesterday my buddys girl actually called me and we stayed on the phone for over and hour. I had her laughing a lot and we talked about just everything.

    My buddy then got on the phone and said that hes not in a good mood, but is happy that I was sounding better.

    He said I can always talk to him no matter what. It told my buddy about that girl asking me to room with her in Cali and he got upset and sad and said that he would be hurt if I went to live in Cali but that he would be right behind because he would want to move close to me. He even said that even if he makes it out there in Vegas that he might come back to NYC to be near me.

    The gay issue came up again and my buddy was cracking jokes and I was just saying some jokes too. The call waiting rang and I switched over, it was Matt..he wanted to come by and pick me up and take me to his place to chill..and I switched back saying bro I have to go Matt is coming to pick me up..

    He goes "your hanging up with me to chill with Matt??? Whats up with that? What are you guys going to do, get kinky?" He kept asking for a pic of Matt and I said bro Im in a rush I will send you it tonight..hes like it takes 30 seconds just send me..Im like why do you care so much what he looks like..and he goes I want to see..

    Well I wound up hanging up with him and chillin with Matt..

    My buddy called me later that night and asked me what I did with Matt..I said we watched a movie..he goes what movie..I go...um....er......ok buddy you got me..we didnt watch a movie ..he busts out laughing saying..oh shit..and he asked some more questions.

    But over all I still have feelings for him. I will definitely tell him soon. And I am learning to move on from this.But very slowly.

    I was so invested emotionally with my buddy..and when I finally realized I have to let go of him in that way..that I dont have to let go of his friendship..that I can have one without the other..but it is hard..and lord knows I am trying...thanks for the continued advice and support..brian...talk to you all shortly.

    P.S.-Matt is a great guy. Great looks, great in bed. But thats about it. Our personalities are nowhere near something that would be able to last with me. I need someone more like my buddy. And no I am not comparing them to my buddy, but I need someone morel like him in some ways. Bri

  14. #214

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    P.S.-Matt is a great guy. Great looks, great in bed. But thats about it.
    So you actually did the deed with Matt? lol. Great fo you if you did

  15. #215
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Yes the deed was done with Matt. And it was so nice.

  16. #216

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    hahahahaha. I coudl only imagine how jealous your friend became, if you told him or not lol. but like I said before great for you.

  17. #217
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Brian,

    Glad to see that you're in a better mood. Started to worry a little when you didn't post anything for more than a day. As you can see, you can have your close friendship with your bro and a relationship with another... although Matt is not long term, congrats!

    J.

  18. #218
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Tpeezy...yeah I did tell him and yes I think he was jealous. Maybe jealous that I was with a guy, maybe jealous because hes not getting much from hiw wife..I dont know, could be many things...

    Lestat thanks for the concern, I am in a better mood and I would never do anythng to hurt myself...Although thoughts sometimes go through my mind, thats all they are..years ago I was in a severe deep depression..through meeting my buddy and him letting me open up to him..Im in much brighter place now...thanks..Brian

  19. #219
    HUGS! ;-)
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    This is Good! ... This is Better!!

    And, THANK YOU!, again, Brian, for sharing this, and keeping us all updated!

    Of course (seriously) ...

    Keep smilin'!!
    Ky
    WISDOM is the Knowledge you've gained ... After you could have used it! _Me

  20. #220
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    That's great Brian! Good to hear that you're a smart, level-headed guy and wouldn't do anything that drastic.

    Joe.

  21. #221
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Makes me happy to read the updates, dude!
    I'm actually envious -- you have such an awesome buddy, even though there's that distance between you, and now you have someone to share bodily pleasures with! ROCKIN'!

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  22. #222
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys whats up...


    Feeling a lot of anxiety tonight and like something is sitting on my chest...I hate having anxiety/panic attacks...


    Called my buddy to get less anxious...and he sounded down..I asked why and he said that he had gotten into a fight with his girl and he said some mean things..I said what..the C word? He goes no worse..He said that she called him fat and that he said "yeah but all the girls still wanna suck my dick"

    He had gone out the night before with anthony who is very shady and Im sure my buddy was flirting with all the girls..


    I got pissed because he said that to his girl and down because its just another statement that shows me how straight he is...


    Talk to you all later..brian


    P.S. He asked if Im helping him out with some money and I said I should be able to on Tuesday.

  23. #223
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Reading back through this, I decided I think you still need to tell him. You talk about "indications", but you don't KNOW. Believe me, knowing will make things better; the "Well, I know what he'll say" but you know inside you DON'T because you haven't HEARD it -- that will eat at you.
    Get it out there, done with.
    Yesterday.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  24. #224
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by LostVegas

    Today at school a woman my age who used to work in my school came back and told us how teaching in California was just so great and how she enjoys it in Beverly Hills.

    This other woman my age in my school currently working there , who I get along with well and who is also this Cali ladies best friend..suggested that me and her go be roommates out there in Cali in the fall or maybe next year.
    Um, just a thought, but wouldn't you moving to LA be a good thing for both of you? It is just a couple of hours away from Las Vegas, unlike New York, so you would at least see each other more often.

    Just wondering.
    J.

  25. #225
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LA would be a good thing and my buddy even said he would rather have me in LA than in NYC, but he also said that he really wouldnt want that either and that he needs to be in the same state....


    Just called him 30 minutes ago while I was making dinner(he asked if I was cooking for two tonight..)

    He said he feels like giving up and quitting.

    He also said that some of his friends had said to him "why do you talk about this Brian dude so much..and why do you care so much about this guy?" He went onto say that they can all go f themselves and that no one understands what pain we are in and not many people want us to be in the same state. We both said we missed each other.

    He said he misses me so much and to prove how much I meant to him he would literally drive back down to NYC to help me move my stuff to come live with them. He said he would enjoy me living there and I wouldnt be a burden and that it would be great to eb aroudn me some more. I said that I was flattered by what he said, but I need to finish my masters.

    Guys I really do wanna see him. I cant wait till August. Cant wait to tell him either.

    Talk to you all later..bri

  26. #226
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Keep us updated, LostVegas!

  27. #227
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Funny you replied with that Green, I was just going to do that tonight..So here goes.


    Well the past few days have been pretty depressing. And last night was really bad. We both spoke during these days but it was all about the "I miss you to death" stuff, nothing really new.

    Lately in our talks I have been slowly mentioning that "there is something I want to talk to you about but cant right now.." And he says Bri you told me so much..why not this. But I let it go.

    Last evening I found that that my mother is cutting me off from money I was to receive. She knows how much I want to be out there with my friend and I think she is making it hard for me. So this was money I was planning on using for the rest of my masters classes. So I had to take 1800 dollars out of my four grand I had left.

    Today was also the day I had to help my buddy out. I wired money to him too. Needless to say I became very stressed. I was stressed about my finances or the lack thereof and this notion about getting out of NY seems to be getting more distant and distant.

    I was really depressed about having to go into my savings account. I had prided myself on not dipping into it and saving all I could and to have it suddenly half gone in one morning got to me.

    I registered for my next two classes today(4 more to go after this!) and I came home and Western Union-ed the money to him. I had to call him to make sure he knew the password they had given me to give to him to get the money.

    I called and he was very slurry in his speech. I asked If I had woken him up and he said no. He said he was finding it hard to get out of bed because he was severely depressed and he was thinking dumb thoughts, about hurting himself(he would never do it, hes just feeling that way) I said I know bro you just to stick with it and a job will come through.

    He said fuck all of that, it is not that. "Its about you not being here. I cannot take it and I need to do something for you to come out here."

    He told me "No one, not on single person in this planet understands me but you..no one."

    He has told me this several times before. I must admit it made me feel good that he was missing me.

    I told him I hate hearing about who he is hanging out with out there and he said he knows that.

    Our talk then got onto slowly about me being gay.

    His girl was not home and out on a job interview.

    I tell you, when she is not around he talks a lot better with me.

    We got onto so many things in terms of me being gay..

    "Bri does Matt have tatoos?
    "Bri you have to show me a pic of Matt"
    "If you get serious with Matt I have to meet him eventually"

    then he started joking

    "Maybe me and Matt will become good friends and Ill turn him straight"
    "Bri your pretty strong for a gay guy"
    "Bri I thought it was funny when you answered that both of you guys were the men when I asked who was the girl in the relationship"
    "Bri remember the times in the car when we used to wrestle"
    "Bri have you and Matt been trying to get pregnant?"

    the jokes went on and on..some of them were IN jokes, you had to be us to get it..but nonetheless we were having an open conversation about things.

    I felt it was ideal to tell him but once again I held back..But I do think however that when I get him like this again I will talk to him about it.

    He said that maybe him and whoever I am with at the time, maybe Matt could become good friends. I told him "remember me and you are brothers, you are best friends with me"

    He laughed out loud at this and asked me why on earth I would get jealous of something like that.

    I asked him straight up "is there anything I can do or say to you that would make us not be friends anymore?"

    Without hesitating he said "No way..nothing"

    I started to talk about something else and he goes "Bri you heard me right? I said nothing"

    Well our talk went on and on for another hour..He said that I dont even know how much he misses me..and I go trust me bro..i know and he goes you dont know..

    He goes "I even considered ending my relationship to come back home and be near you again.."

    I was speechless...I mean he has told me this like once or twice before...The other time was when we were both in NYC and I told him I want to get out of here..he said if I went without him he would come with me, even though it would end his relationship.

    He also told me" You dont know what kind of pain I am in. The worst pain I have ever felt." He said when he puts his head down at night that hes not tired and all he does is think that Im not there. He said the pain is so bad he just lies there still, motionless, wishing I was there.

    I do not know what to make of those statements . Do you see why I have fallen for this guy?

    When we get the ball rolling about me being gay and all that comes with that, he kind of feels comfortable talking to me and I really do with him. He really likes that I am gay.

    I dont know what it is. I think he likes the fact that he has a gay friend. And he seems curious with his questions, but maybe its just nothing more than that. Hes just curious. I said bro would you want me asking you these questions about you and your girl and hes like no, but you and Matt are not together together, so I can ask..hes more like your butt buddy he said to me...

    He then asked me about gay marriage and what states have what and would I want to marry a guy and have kids..could I see myself living with a guy, etc ,etc....

    We ended our talk and said we will talk soon.

    Thats about it so far...update you again soon..Brian

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    He sure seems fixated on talking about your homosexuality. I think your relationship with him is the most bizarre and intriguing one I have read about. How often do you to talk on the phone with him now?

  29. #229
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Usually every night for hours into the morning. And sometimes during the day. Sometimes long calls during the day also. Brian

  30. #230
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    The plot thickens....

    Wow, dude. I think at the least he has a feeling about what you need to say and is trying to make it easy for you. At the farthest end of possibilities I'm wondering if he isn't just waiting for you to admit you're in love with him so he can blurt out, "Shit, Brian, I've wanted you to say that all along! I don't want this bitch, I want you!"

    Don't climb too high on that; I didn't hear the whole conversation, for starters, but I see that as a possible end to this. How likely? I dunno; I would have said it wasn't likely for the tree by my dorm to get hit by lightning, but it did, so... you don't know till things happen what they will be.

    Have you said anything about you had a crush on him? ANY kind of little steps in the right direction?

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey Brian. I really think he's ready to be told. Hope you feel the time is right soon before it tears you apart. The good thing is, you have someone to talk to about being gay. I wish I did. Try not to be so depressed; things will work out.

    J.

  32. #232
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I was going to keep my mouth shut, again, but ...

    Brian, Dude! It sounds to me as though You, and Your "Bro" ... what's his name, again? ... are both in Dire Need of getting "Naked" together, no holds barred, and facing Life "Mano a' Mano"!! Your thoughts, and Hearts, are so strongly entwined as they are, Already!! DO NOT hold back!! DO NOT second guess!! Just let it "All Hang Out"!! Tell the Guy that You LOVE Him, with all of Your Heart, Mind, and (Hopefully) Body!! TELL HIM that You would like Nothing better than snuggling up to Him, with NOTHING between You!! Step past, and Drop, that "Final" barrier between the two of You!!

    It doesn't have to be Erotic! It doesn't have to be Sexual!! And considering His "Italian Stallion Syndrome", it certainly doesn't have to be "Threatening" to His own "Self Perceptions"! But ... it does have to be Honest, Pure, "Clean", and Simple!! And ... from what I've been reading ... it has to be Soon!!

    YOU need to get all of this "Out" in the "Open"!! And I don't think He would be adverse to that "Next Step"!! The Two of You sound as though You are Both working toward an Unimaginable, Wonderful, Relationship! Even Greater than what you have realized already!! And it has all come to a point where you both Need to let it Blossom to the next Plateau!

    NOTHING I can think of would be more Liberating than to be able to Unabashedly, completely Uninhibitably, "Bare" Youself to another Being! (And I'm not talking Physically, necessarily, here! Even as "kewl" as that thought may be!)

    Drop the Pretenses! For Your Good as well as His! No more Hesitating, Man!! Tell Him the TRUTH! And allow Him to be as Truthful to You!! COMPLETELY Accept each other for who, and what, both of You are/wish to be! It's the only "Clear" way to Blend yourselves together, Bri!

    "Damn the Torpedoes! Full speed ahead!!" And no matter what may happen, you'll Both be better for it! Just trust me on that one!

    Keep smilin'!!
    Ky

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    As for the Money?? Phewt! It's ONLY Money!!
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  33. #233

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Look man, just based on my own experience, this is going to work out in one of the following ways:

    1. You'll tell him, and he'll not like it and your friendship is over.
    2. You'll tell him and he'll be ok with what you said, but isn't in to you that way.
    3. You tell him, and it's what he's been waiting for all along, and blah, blah, blah, happily ever after.
    4. You won't tell him, and you'll spend the rest of your friggin life in a miserable state of "What if?"
    If number one happens, that will hurt, but there will be closure, and you'll move on (I don't see that one happening). If 2 happens, there will also be closure, and you'll still have your 'buddy'. If 3 happens, DAMN! Good for Brian! If 4 happens, you will be me....spending the rest of your life wondering "What if" and that's not today's hurt....that's forever's hurt!

    So you decide....and get on with your life!

  34. #234
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys..back with another update.

    To the past few replies^^^^^^Thanks and all your great advice and experience is not falling on deaf ears, trust me.

    This might be one of the weirdest updates in a few weeks. I could have updated this at 3am eastern time but I was kind of tired and I know I wouldnt be able to remember all that I wanted to recall. So here goes:

    My buddy called me at around 2am my time, 11pm his time.
    He sounded very passionate and he told me that he is resorting back to his old ways again(anxiety, sleepless nights, etc). He told me flat out, that I need to come to Las Vegas very soon or he is going to definitely come back home here.

    He cannot live out there and it is not enjoyable anymore.

    He said that we both need to stop putting on these fronts and act like everything is ok, when it is not. He compared it to me being gay by saying that hes putting on a front and lying too, that he misses me too much and all is not well there.

    He said his girl is starting to look at him weird and wonder why he is on the phone with me so much.

    He told me that he misses the days that I slept over and I was there right when he woke up..I was there to hang out with and chill with the next morning.

    He said Im the only one who understands him.

    He told me God did something to him when he met me..and God changed him..he said he can't explain it at all.

    He said the pain of missing me is too unbearable and that no one understands why we are good friends and why we are so close.

    He said "Bri, you know the love you have for a child..that love where you would do anything for it and die for it? I have that for you.." He told me he feels like we are blood.

    We were talking and all of a sudden he went "Oh shit you scared me I didnt see you, whats up?.." It was his girl, and she asked who he was on the phone with and he said Bri. Then they were talking to each other about their dog for a second.

    After she went back in he went outside to talk to me on the phone in his car. His girl asked what he was doing in the car and he said that hes comfortable in the car and there is a good breeze there.

    He kept begging me to change my mind and come out there..or he would have to come back here soon. He said he needs me in his life and near him.

    I dont know guys....I love talking to my buddy like this, we are getting more and more close I think since he left.

    Recently I had wondered why he wasnt calling me late late like he usually does. I couldnt put it together . So I asked hm how come he didnt call back the other night, I was waiting to hear from you. He goes "Oh I went for a walk with my girl"... And then I still didnt put it together until he told me that she was wondering why he is always on the phone with me so much. So I think he cut back on the calls and is still doing it to appease her.


    We ended the call soon, thereafter. I promised him I would think about it.

    She might be getting a job for 8 an hour and he might be getting a valet job at a casino. Despite this he is still very unhappy, and says it does not have to do with location or money.

    He says as money hungry as he is sometimes, that if someone offered him a billion dollars to not talk or ever see me again, he would laugh it off in a second.


    And thats about that for now. I know some of you are just waiting for me to tell him and open up to him. I am still feeling this out and waiting a little more to see where any of this goes and leads to. I will definitely tell him soon though, for sure.

    This whole thing is hard because I really do love them both very much.

    Talk to you guys soon..Bri

  35. #235
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    You truly don't know how lunky you are... I'm insanely jealous of you. This is what I wish the guy I am in love with would be doing right now...

  36. #236
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Dude, he gave you a perfect opening with that about his love for you! It was a perfect place to mention that your love for him once included a crush. He might have laughed, he might have asked if you still have one....
    Okay, I'm a little impatient. Being recently out, and having hardly any friends now because of it, I guess I want to see people coming together Bam! 'cause that's what I need. But I still say you need to drop hints and work into it.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  37. #237

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Just tell him already, I don't think you have anything to lose. You've had so many opportunities to say it. If you don't say it, those moments will pass and never come back.

  38. #238

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LostVegas, you know you are so lucky.
    I don't believe a friend would phone his best friend that often and repeat the same lines 'I miss you' everytime unless he has a very strong feeling toward his friend (not to mention his girlfriend is with him).

    I lost of track, LostVegas, did you mention your love to him ?
    From your conversation, I saw him dropping a lot of clues that he might possibly be in love with you.

  39. #239
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    No I have not mentioned anything to him yet. Bri

  40. #240
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    And when are you gonna???... =]

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Give a man religion, and he'll starve praying for a fish.

  41. #241
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Just as soon as I get another chance, another one of those chances..at the right time....at the right moment, when Ill feel it. I know thats not the answer you are looking for or were hoping on, but that is what my gut is telling me to do

  42. #242
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I'm not looking for either. Don't try and please us here. As it's been said before, do it for yourself; it'll be better for you in the long run.

    I don't think there will be any 'right time' and/or 'right moment.' Me thinks you'll just have to blurt it out. I've read a few time when it would have been well timed. But I understand the trepidation.

    We're on you side, remember. Best of luck Bri.

    -LL

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Give a man religion, and he'll starve praying for a fish.

  43. #243
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LooseLiam-Thanks so much for your support-will definitely keep you guys updated-as always-Brian

  44. #244
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Oi oi oi! Thanks for the post lil c boy, after reading your post I needed about 10 tylenol..just kiddin man..Thanks for your support and for reading, Brian..Nice to my experience touch someone as far away as Australia...peace.

  45. #245
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I dropped in as usual to see what's cookin, Brian. No news, huh?
    Got to wondering if I sound pushy... I think I posted something about why I get that way. I gotta tell ya, though, that in my dreams I've never had a friend as good as you've got there. Do whate you need to, to keep him.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  46. #246
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I spoke to my buddy last night.

    There was the usual talk of us missing each other, so I will spare you those details.

    He said if the way things are going out there continue like it is out there, that he and his girl will break up. He says she will want to to find someone more grounded and with more money and stability. I re-assured him this wouldnt be the case , but would I be a total jackass to admit..some part of me secretly wants that. I know I know..bad Brian.

    We got onto me talking about gay stuff again and some jokes were made. He said he always wondered why my porn DVDs in my house that he found(when he stayed over) were all centered around big cocks.

    He said that I must be horny all the time and I said yeah..he goes when you and Matt meet it must be a "come here and pull your pants down" type of thing. I said yeah bro, it's alot easier than the heteros and their dinner and a date foreplay. We both laughed and started talking bout me having sex with Matt and he said "disgusting" at one point which got me ticked but I didnt show it.

    Then I told him the thought of straight people screwing and the thought of Vagina made me equally as disgusted . He goes "but yeah what about that time in Vegas with that hooker I got you..you came out smiling.." And I go bro, a hoover vacuum could have blown me and I would have the same look on my face.

    He said I need to come out there to Vegas. That he needs me out there. He said to dont worry about Matt and come out there, that there are a lot of guys I will meet out here.

    I said the one problem I have meeting guys is that they are not like you buddy..and he goes "Im never going to meet another Brian and you are never going to meet another me..we have a rare relationship." I told him I wanted to meet someone who is masculine and into sports and is a take charge type person(all of which my buddy is )

    I told him I needed him with me in Brooklyn..and he said what are you trying to do..you want me to come back..I said Im just saying what I feel...there was silence...and he said he was getting down because of what I said.

    I got on the phone with his girl, it was her birthday, to say hi and she gave the phone back.

    He said he doesnt know how much longer he can keep it up out there and somedays he wishes he were single because he would come back to live near me in a second.

    He told me hes worried about money. He thanked me many times for what I am doing and helping him..He said what am I supposed to do..keep asking for your help? I told him "without a doubt..what are brothers for?"..He said he cannot state in words how thankful he is that he met me..we ended the call saying "I miss you.."

    Will update again soon guys..Bri

  47. #247
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Why didn't you just say "I need someone like you"?!

    You're STALLLLLLL-innnnnnng!

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  48. #248
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    When I came on here originally writing to you guys, I was not out to my friend. With him leaving and with you guys' help..I did..and let me tell you, that is something I still cannot believe I did..

    And now..i know Im getting close to telling him this..It seems like I am stalling but Im not..Im waiting for a little longer...just a little..will definitely tell him, which is also something I never pictured myself doing..thanks for all the continued support. Brian

  49. #249
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    It suddenly hit me....
    do you have enough money to get the two of you together? Seems to me I'd want to say or hear such a thing from hugging distance.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  50. #250
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Just got off the phone with my buddy...3:23am here....He called to tell me he needs more help and that hes almost down to nothing. His other "childhood" friends have ignored or declined hints that he has given and are not helping him

    I actually almost started to cry talking to him..I really do feel bad for him...he seems to never to be able to catch a break ...just a little down here guys..

    Start my new masters class tomorrow(in 5 hours )...wish me luck..talk to you guys soon. Bri

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