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  1. #151

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I don't think you show weakness if you gave him/them a phone call tonight. You are still in the transitionary phase of life without your second family and they are probably going through the same thing. From all your postings, they both care for you and you them.

    Just chat on sweet nothings if that will bring you some comfort. Sounds like they are getting their lives in order in Vegas and I'm sure the comfort of your voice will bring them happiness. I'm sure they want to hear about what went on with your life for the past week as you are interested in what is happening with their lives down in Vegas with the big move and all. (Wish him well on his job interview! and that you miss him/them) Please take care of yourself ok?

  2. #152
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LV, to some extent it's probably easier to not call him. I can relate to that. But don't let your pain get in the way of your friendship. You probably still think about him often...and you probably wonder if he thinks about you as often as you do him. And even though you already know the answer, you still question.

    Rule of thumb: Do what your heart tells you. If you want to talk to your buddy, pick up the phone and call him. Don't wait days or weeks to speak to him...otherwise, you're just playing mind games. ie: "you shouldn't call him until the 3rd day because you don't want to look too anxious, but you don't want to seem disinterested...etc.." And one last thing: Don't let anything stop you from talking to him...that includes yourself.

    Good luck LV. Take care.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    ...want to show him I can be strong out here by myself...I think he has not called because lately hes been the one calling and I guess he wants to see when or if I will call..plus I think in some ways he also wants to show me he has a life out there now too.
    It seems to me that both of you are trying to show the other that you are strong and can handle being on your own. I'm really scared for your friendship, scared that this will be the quickest way to end up by yourself, I'm afraid that you'll both end up trying to show that your strong for yourselves and each other. Suddenly a week has passed since you talked then the next time your being strong it will be two weeks...I don't know the exact wording of that phrase that says "you left and you were my life" at the end but I guess I'm saying there is nothing wrong in admitting that even if it can't go beyond being the best of friends. I'm really going to plead with you not to use the loner thing to allow yourself to be distanced from him. Call him from time to time to let him know you care, even if its not tonight, people need to hear it. It seems he knows you pretty well but all it takes is one thought of "maybe I'm annoying him" or "maybe I'm suffocating him..." to poison your relationship from the inside out. I'm thinking of ya.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I agree with clorox.

    Don't separate yourself from others. I do that all the time and it's not good. Just try to call him twice a week or something he feels comfortable with

  5. #155
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by LostVegas
    I don't want to call him for some reason..I dont know what it is...I guess I just dont wanna be in pain and be sad and I also in some way want to show him I can be strong out here by myself...
    I can relate. Interacting with someone you love deeply, but can't have, can be very painful--so much so that we may (sub)consciously avoid it.

    These last few weeks seem to have been an intense rollercoaster ride for you. Coming out to him seemed to make you feel a lot better, at least for a while. I think the reason is plain and simple: complete honesty will do that. Having nothing to hide and nothing on your conscience is liberating.

    Now it seems you're feeling depressed again, because he's moved away and because you still love him "in that way." Your choices, as I see it, are now as follows:

    1. You tell him how you really feel about him, and he tells you that he feels the same way. This may be the "optimal" scenario, but your situation is very complex. He is married, and loves her on at least some level. Also, the three of you are very close with one another. So, he'll either decide to leave her or to stay on with her. If he stays on with her, then all is good: you've reached closure because both of you were honest with each other, and with closure, you can move on with your life. Meet new people, make gay friends, find Mr. Right. If he leaves her...well, your situation is complicated, but again, closure is reached. I guess best of luck to you two!

    Conclusion to scenario 1: closure is reached, and your emotional state improves.

    2. You tell him how you really feel about him, and he says he will always love you like a brother, but not in any sexual way. Even though you will never enter into a romantic relationship with him, take joy in the relationship that you do have with him (I know you already do). Again, closure is reached: by being completely honest with him, you can move on and go on the search for Mr. Right. The world is big and full of wonderful people!

    Conclusion to scenario 2: closure is reached, and your emotional state improves.

    3. You don't tell him how you really feel about him. I think this is the worst option, because by not being open with him about what has clearly been on your mind a great deal, you will not find closure. You can not tell him and still try to move on, but in that case, you may always wonder about "what might have been" and have nagging regrets. Or, you may find it so difficult to move on that you just condemn yourself to a depressive slump.

    Conclusion to scenario 3: closure is not reached! You're unhappy about "what might have been" or just find that you cannot get over him.

    In short, I think you should tell him how you really feel about him. Just make sure to let him know that you don't expect any reciprocation and that your platonic relationship with him means the world to you. He's already proven himself to be a very understanding and caring man, and he's even said that if you really did "feel that way" about him, he'd be cool with it. If it's any consolation, I was in a similar situation, went through scenario 2, and then felt a lot better. I say go for it; closure is yours to go for. You deserve to be happier.

  6. #156
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I agree.

    I really think he feels the same way - that is my impression. And I believe that he does love his fiance, but not as much as he loves you.

    Why else would he be able to be so open with you? to cry in front of you? To tell you think he's of you when he listens to Madonna?

    You have one hell of a friend and either way, I don't think you will lose. If you tell him you love him and he says he feels the same way and wants to be with you, that's wonderful. If you tell him that you love him and he says he doesn't feel the same way, that's ok too becasue you know he's got your back in the end. You know he's going to stick by you.

    Granted, if the latter plays out, you won't get everything you want, but you've got someone who's not going to judge you or downgrade you just because of your sexuality.

    Either way, he's going to be there, so you won't lose him.

    I would love to have a friend like that right now.

    I think you should try to tell him...He said he wouldn't be mad before and I dont see how that could change now. He said it would be ok if you were and you know he's gonna be there through it all, so take some comfort in that.

    strangelittleboy

  7. #157
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys..just got home from one of my Masters classes so I just thought I would log on and post here...There was this new guy in class with a body so ungodly I couldnt take my eyes off of him ...I checked him out the whole day..He sat next to me...And all I could do was undress him and think what I would do to him with my eyes..Talkin ripped body with tight jeans and a tight tee..nipples coming right through the shirt, and nice many arms and big hands...ok ok ok...let me stop I could go on..


    I fell asleep last night...and I woke up groggy to what I thought I heard was my buddy talking to me...then I went back to sleep..to my surprise I wasnt dreaming..but that I was hearing him after all, he left a message for me on the machine..I got it in the morning and it brought a smile to my face...what better way to wake up??? I made a promise to myself that I would call him back...and I will..maybe Ill post later today if I feel the need...anyway thanks for reading...Bri

  8. #158
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by halubtsi
    LV, to some extent it's probably easier to not call him. I can relate to that. But don't let your pain get in the way of your friendship. You probably still think about him often...and you probably wonder if he thinks about you as often as you do him. And even though you already know the answer, you still question.

    Rule of thumb: Do what your heart tells you. If you want to talk to your buddy, pick up the phone and call him. Don't wait days or weeks to speak to him...otherwise, you're just playing mind games. ie: "you shouldn't call him until the 3rd day because you don't want to look too anxious, but you don't want to seem disinterested...etc.." And one last thing: Don't let anything stop you from talking to him...that includes yourself.

    Good luck LV. Take care.
    When my best buddy moved to Indiana to the farm he inherited, we called all the time while he was on the road. Once he was at the farm....
    I kept telling myself he was busy, and not to bother him, but the truth was that it hurt like hell not to be able to drive over and see him and go do something crazy together. If there's somewhere worse than hell, that's what it felt like not having him there to cry on through the pain of coming out. Calling made the pain sharper, so I didn't call.

    Don't be that guy: call!

    Random thought: call and say, I called to say hi. HI! and hang up. TO my buddy, that would be stupid and funny... so it would work. I don't know about wiuth you two.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  9. #159
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by strangelittleboy

    I would love to have a friend like that right now.

    strangelittleboy

    There's something you should tell him!

    I'd say I missed him so much I've talked about it with plas on-line, and they all say he sounds like the best friend anyone could ever have, and I felt that way anyway and really want him to know it.

    Off-the-wall thought: in your position, I'd be hoping that when I told him, he'd say, Dude, I want you, too, but I can't leave her <pause>. Could you share me? because I can't live wikthout either of you.
    That way I could be happy for him, and love him the way I wanted.
    But my best buddy says my dreams are "so full of shit", this is probably just another dumb one.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  10. #160
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by LostVegas
    Hey guys..just got home from one of my Masters classes so I just thought I would log on and post here...There was this new guy in class with a body so ungodly I couldnt take my eyes off of him ...I checked him out the whole day..He sat next to me...And all I could do was undress him and think what I would do to him with my eyes..Talkin ripped body with tight jeans and a tight tee..nipples coming right through the shirt, and nice many arms and bug hands...ok ok ok...let me stop I could go on..


    I fell asleep last night...and I woke up groggy to what I thought I heard was my buddy talking to me...then I went back to sleep..to my surprise I wasnt dreaming..but that I was hearing him after all, he left a message for me on the machine..I got it in the morning and it brought a smile to my face...what better way to wake up??? I made a promise to myself that I would call him back...and I will..maybe Ill post later today if I feel the need...anyway thanks for reading...Bri
    It sounds to me like your mind knows you need to get to know some more people, to get some balance back.
    I'll just say "awesome" to both paragraphs. Awesome! Awesome!

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  11. #161
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Just called and left him a message..He wasnt home..anyway gunna go cruise the boarde here..pretty upbeat today...cant get that guy from class out of my head lol, talk to you all soon..bri

  12. #162
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Keep us updated on the guy from class, LV... what's his name? For the time being, just observe what he does, strike up a conversation, ask to work with him on homework for the class, maybe slowly get to know him... you have nothing to lose... good luck

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Well it is about 2am here on the East coast and after several episodes of phone tag where we kept missing each other..my buddy and I finally spoke to each other on the phone ...the call lasted two hours and it was the quickest two hours ever...we talked about everything...he said how he got a ticket and was worried about money and that he was tempted to call me for help but he refrained from doing that..he repeated over and over that he misses me and things aint the same there without me....


    My buddy asked if I told or have seen a counselor or a therapist "about what we talked about before I left" and I assured him that I didnt and that I really didnt get down anymore about anything...I told him the only thing I get down about is that they are not here anymore...I spoke to his girl for a while and things sound good for the m both and I really couldnt be happier..they have it hard over there but they are slowly but surely making their way...I cant wait to go out there in August and they agreed...

    What worries me about my friend is that everytime since I told him gay...when he wants to bring that topic up...hell say..."what we talked about" ....He'll never actually say the words "since u told me u were gay"...so I dont know what to think...I know hes ok with it..but maybe his girl was around and he didnt want to keep saying it? Maybe HE was uncomfortable saying it?: I dont know....I told him that my college classes are going well and that Im meeting and hanging out with new and different people..I could tell in his voice that he didnt like that and was jealous..He kept asking over and over "please dont forget me...just dont forget me..thats my biggest fear is that you will forget me.." and of course I said I wouldnt, which I wont!!!

    But anyway we left off saying how good it was to finally be able to talk for a little while and that we couldnt wait to talk again....anyway thats my small update guys..speak to you more soon...Bri

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by LostVegas
    What worries me about my friend is that everytime since I told him gay...when he wants to bring that topic up...hell say..."what we talked about" ....He'll never actually say the words "since u told me u were gay"...so I dont know what to think...I know hes ok with it..but maybe his girl was around and he didnt want to keep saying it? Maybe HE was uncomfortable saying it?: I dont know....I told him that my college classes are going well and that Im meeting and hanging out with new and different people..I could tell in his voice that he didnt like that and was jealous..He kept asking over and over "please dont forget me...just dont forget me..thats my biggest fear is that you will forget me.." and of course I said I wouldnt, which I wont!!!

    But anyway we left off saying how good it was to finally be able to talk for a little while and that we couldnt wait to talk again....anyway thats my small update guys..speak to you more soon...Bri
    Ask him! A friend as good as that will tell you if he's uncomfortable. And if it would do you good to hear him say you're gay, tell him so!
    I finally told my best buddy that it totally bugs me that he goes dead silent when I tell him about dancing with a dude. I said he's known three years longer than I have, and he should be more used to me being like this than I am! He laughed at that, and said he'll try to do better, but DON'T tell him if I spent the night with a dude! And Eric isn't as good a friend to me as your buddy is to you, so just get it out there.

    I have a pal who's in jail right now, and he's worried that I'm looking for friends to "replace him". I told him that's not it, I just need more friends in my life -- but it's up to him to believe me. Tell your buddy the same thing -- you're not trying to replace him, and you won't forget him, but it's good to have another friend or two.

    Somehow... either he's REALLY emotionally dependent on you for some reason, or he wants you in more than "just great friends" fashion -- that's my guess.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys whats up..I am back to post with a rare early morning update...


    Ii woke up to my alarm at 5am and realized there was a message on the machine...It was my buddy and he sounded sad, he was asking if I was there to pick up the phone...As soon as I heard the message I called him and he immediately picked up..


    He said that he misses me very much and how he hoped that things were different and that he is always thinking about what I am doing during the day ...He said he was putting up a front before and he is really sad...sad about me not being there and he doesnt know how he is going to last out there without me..He was sad in a way about me hanging with different and new people out here and I said I miss him also. He said he doesnt want me to forget about him or try to replace him and I assured him thats silly and that I wouldnt...He said while hes happy out there because thats the place he wants to spend his life, that its very much a different place without me there...I told him I think about him all the time and that it is different here also without him..I said you are lucky to have 3 great friends...I said besides your wife you have me..and your two other childhood friends...and he goes "they are nothing like you...other friends? I have no other friends..you are the only one that cares for me.." I told him that unlike his mom or dad or some of his other friends that I will always be here for him no matter what...

    We stayed on for an hour and a half and we simply ended the call saying..."Goodbye..I miss you.." and he said "Bri, I mis you so much too..." I told him I would call him tonight...and he said he would do the same....


    See what I mean??? When his girl was around before he was cool..if not jovial...and then later on when shes asleep..he opens up to me more...whats up with that? Maybe hes afraid of being this emotional around his girl...and if so isnt that bad that he cant be like that with his girl???? I don't know...all I know is Im glad to hear from my bro....


    P.S.-Kul you hit the nail on the head..we are both emotionally dependent on each other...sometimes I think hes more dependent than me.....talk to you all soon...Brian

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LV, I'm glad your buddy was able to let his guard down. I don't think it's unusual for your friend to act tough around his girlfriend. It's unfortunate he can't be as open around her, but it's understandable. I know a few guys who'll be ultra-chauvinistic in the presence of other guys, but be very open when they're alone with me. Whereas, they'd never discuss girlfriend problems in front of other guys, they'll readily discuss it with me.

    You're comfortable around your buddy, and he's comfortable around you. You've shared things with each other that I'm sure neither one of you has shared with anyone else. He does seem to be dependent on you. That's not surprising, since he really has opened up to you. We already know that he's closer to you than he is to his girlfriend. From what you've told us so far, it looks like a relationship of convenience more than anything else. Since they've been together for so long, it's like they think marriage is the next logical step, regardless of the fact that she doesn't fill his emotional needs. But I digress. He depends on you to fulfill him emotionally. He knows no one else with whom he can do that. He invested time in your friendship and discovered that he could tell you anything. He doesn't want to lose the only outlet where he can truly be himself; unencumbered, no facades.

    His fears are justified too. You've come out and dealt with your sexuality. Yes, you've only told him, but in time, you may have the confidence to start dating guys. And truth be told, if you do start going out with someone, do you not feel that there is a slight possibility that you'll provide greater emotional support to your boyfriend than your bestfriend? Keep in mind, if you start going out with a guy, it wouldn't be out of convenience...It'd be (I'd hope, anyway) because you like the person...perhaps even love the guy. Then again, you could always just go out with some gl guy so you could have a trophy boyfriend, while keeping your emotional side with your best friend...but I don't really think that's the best way to go, imo.

    Anyway, thanks for the update. I'm off to school, too. Cheers.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Small small small update...


    Cute straight guy in my class(italian boy who teaches guitar in public schools) started talking to me during lunch and we got into an intense conversation about exercise and diet and just about anything else, we exchanged emails and phone numbers and we might chill soon...yeah hes straight but Im finding it SO easy to make friends..its unreal...Im very excited about this..I know its something that comes easy to some or is no big deal but I've never been more sociable in my life..I think I carry myself different after coming out to my friend...bri

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I've followed your posts, and had my 2 cents to add, but everyone seems to be hitting the nail on the head. Just wanted to say 'Hi' and I'm glad to see you're getting out there and meeting more people. Though I doubt any will replace your friend; as you know it's nice to have someone to chill with. I got to hand it to you on pulling yourself through and keeping an upper lip. Best wishes Bri.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I'm just curious what does your best friend think about you getting a boyfriend? Would he get jealous of that as well? If he did sound jealous could you slide a comment about it into the conversation? Would he be less apt to joke about his feelings behind his jealousy if his girlfriend isn't around? Does he truly know that you love him or do you hold back because of emotional backlash? Its no wonder your confused those questions would have me incapable of functioning...but the answers to those questions could let you move on. And rock on with your new found social success! I need some of that over here, I'm horrible in big groups.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by clorox
    I'm just curious what does your best friend think about you getting a boyfriend? Would he get jealous of that as well? If he did sound jealous could you slide a comment about it into the conversation? Would he be less apt to joke about his feelings behind his jealousy if his girlfriend isn't around? Does he truly know that you love him or do you hold back because of emotional backlash? Its no wonder your confused those questions would have me incapable of functioning...but the answers to those questions could let you move on. And rock on with your new found social success! I need some of that over here, I'm horrible in big groups.
    1. I think he would be jealous on some level. Jealous that I can have the emotions and love for another guy besides him and also that this person might be taking my time and my attention away from him. I only think this because even when I mentioned the new people I met in class this week, he sort of seemed odd about it and I asked and he said "Im jealous, I dont want you to forget about me"

    2. I think on some level he knows I love him more than a brother. Hes joked about it several times, so that shows me on some level he thinks that.


    Just another small update..The last I spoke with my friend was from about 3am-6am late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning, however you want to look a it...We had a very deep conversation..He stated he was sad and depressed..and that he has been putting on a front about how happy he is..He afraid of running out of money and afraid he wont get a decent job..He said on top of everything he is missing me and his heart is breaking..we both agreed that we cant wait until August when I go out there for a week...

    He asked me if I would or am planning on seeing a therapist and would I tell the therapist what I told him, about me being gay...I said I dont plan on seeing anyone because since I told him I was gay I have not really ben depressed at all(save for this thread)I told him about the people I have been meeting...and how socially I am changing and he seemed happy for me but at the same time jealous..he even said so..he talked about what hes doing there...and the few people he has been chilling with and he says its not the same as me..he said that he cant thank me enough for coming into his life and helping him out in everyway..he noted that no one, not even his parents(his father doesnt speak to him) or his long time best friends helped him out all...and he said no one has helped him out like me...he also said that out of all his friends Im the only one who cares and looks out for him and that his other long time friends dont even seem to call anymore or when he calls they cant stay on the phone too long.....anyway it was a very nice talk, even though he was down and I cant wait to see him....Brian-thanks for all your continued responses and advice and personal stories...they are an inspiration to me always, and to be honest if it wasnt for this board I dont think I would have had the courage to come out to my buddy before he left..I never quite said thank you...so thank you!

    Here is a song I just heard recently called "You're Beautiful" but I changed some of the "shes" to "hes" to reflect what Im feeling...talk to you all soon

    "You're Beautiful"

    My life is brilliant.
    My love is pure.
    I saw an angel.
    Of that I'm sure.
    He smiled at me on the subway.
    He was with another girl.
    But I won't lose no sleep on that,
    'Cause I've got a plan.

    You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
    You're beautiful, it's true.
    I saw you face in a crowded place,
    And I don't know what to do,
    'Cause I'll never be with you.

    Yeah, he caught my eye,
    As we walked on by.
    He could see from my face that I was,
    F**king high,
    And I don't think that I'll see him again,
    But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

    You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
    You're beautiful, it's true.
    I saw you face in a crowded place,
    And I don't know what to do,
    'Cause I'll never be with you.
    You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
    You're beautiful, it's true.
    There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
    When she thought up that I should be with you.
    But it's time to face the truth,
    I will never be with you.

  21. #171

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    ^I kind of wish you tell him you had feelings for him. Feeligns that were more than brotherly/best friendly. I mean, I wish you'd just tell him that, but in a way that lets him know that you're not anymore. Something like, "I never told you but I had strong feeligns for you, like more than friends feelings, but now that I'm meeting new people(guys) they're not as strong. NOt that I don't love you, b/c you're still my best friend, but the sexual attraction is on someone else." Im not tellin gyou to tell him that b/c you should, but I would just like to know his reaction to something like that. To see if he infact has closed up gay feelings for you. Too bad theres no way to test it. Oh well, I'm happy for you. Hope you find alot of new friends.

  22. #172
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey whats up guys..have not written here as of late..been a little busy with masters classes..back to regular school tomorrow-work!


    Interestingly enough ever since I came to terms with being gay and outed myself to my friend, I have had more offers from girls to go out or to go out with one of their friends than ever before, it is quite odd ..Today for instance this girl says to me that my humor and personality would fit in great with her friend...I should have said I was gay right then and there, but for some reason I didnt and just kind of laughed it off..she snuck a picture of me onto her cell and sent it to her friend ...but anyway


    I have spoken to my buddy twice since I last posted and he really is miserable out there. Work is hard to come by and they are both down to 800 dollars...I feel bad for him..I really cant help him financially anymore even if I wanted to, I have my own shit to worry about here in NYC....


    He misses me very much and he never fails to tell me..he said he cant enjoy it there at all without me...and that August is too long a wait..he keeps trying to convince me to leave everything and come down there, which he says he knows is the wrong thin to do, but he misses my presence and doesnt feel secure he said without me there..hes planning on calling later tonight...


    One thing bout my buddys girl...even when money is tight or its good..she has to live spoiled and like a queen..she has to get her nails done, and is always asking my buddy "what are we doing for dinner??" and she absolutely had to go buy furniture to fill her Las Vegas apt...so now because of that they are low on money...

    But I miss him so much..and in a way I feel guilty because I am doing quite well over here, socially and with everything else....anyways good talking on here again...talk to you guys soon..brian

    PS-Some poster asked If I will ever tell him about my love for him....I think I will when I go down there in August..he has stated that If i was in love with him that he would be ok with that but its also not his thing..so Im not afraid of a rejection, because he kind of already did that..but at least I will get my real feelings out to him and for some small reason one night if he ever leans to going "gay or bi" lol or having a one time experience, he knows Ill be there...crazy??? you tell me..bri

  23. #173
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I think you should do it.

    You WON'T lose him.

    You have nothing to lose.

    If he is curious, it wouldn't hurt if he did know, and he might do just that.

    You never know.

  24. #174
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Whats poppin?

    What is up good people....hope all is well for you.


    Just an update...past few days my buddy have been talking..same old stuff you guys have heard before...both of us miss each other and stuff, saying how things are not the same..in one of our calls I mentioned how girls hit on me now more..and hes like "yeah bri, you go" and I assured him Im not into it..I think a small small part of him thinks it would be easier if I was just straight..but nonetheless he is still accepting...He asked if I ever saw birdcage and he started talking like with a lisp..and I said ha ha funny and hes like its ok Bri I can do that because Im your friend...


    Today as I was getting ready for work at 6am I got a call from him saying that hes depressed and that hes worried about work and that he might need some money..and can I help him out??...Without hesitation I said "sure, Ill always have your back.."...Then I let it sink in for a little after I got to work..and Im like...should I help him out..havent I helped him out enough already?...am I bad for even THINKING that I shouldnt help him out right now? I mean i am trying to save and all...I do not know..

    I got home from work today and signed on to aol..hes like sign off I want to talk to you...we talk, same shit...he puts me on hold and then comes back to me saying hes got to go soon his friend anthony is coming over..and I start to get all pissy(because im tired from work as it is) and hes like whats up?? and I go I dont really want to hear about your friends your hanging out with..then his girl proceeded to make jokes about how im still in NYC and they are enjoying the warm weather in Vegas...so I was like whatever ...if it wasnt for me her ass would still be in this cold...anyway I hung up with him all pissy an he said to call him later, and I said NAH ill call you soon..and just hung up...I know my friend inside and out..in an odd way he likes that Im jealous of his friends and that I wish I was there...but I know Im doing the right thing by being here for myself....


    I dont know...I need to talk or hear feedback...just anything ..speak to you all later..Brian

  25. #175
    aww I wanted to explode looseliam's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    As much as you want to keep helping him, you'll have to draw the line somewhere. It'll get better with time. Your 'tone' seems to be a bit more up than in weeks past. Hang in there, we're here for ya.

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Give a man religion, and he'll starve praying for a fish.

  26. #176
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey everyone....5:13 am here on the east coast....my buddy called me like at 3am my time and we talked till about 5...he said he was very down and that hes in need of help..and that hes been putting off seriously asking me..and now he needs my help again...he says he knows its hard..but he has no other choice..and really..being his "brother", what choice do I really have?? Of course Ill be there for him...always.

    Its so hard for me nowadays in terms of my feelings for my buddy. I DO think about him in that way much less...partly because hes so far away and partly because I feel better since coming out to him...but I KNOW he knows that I love him..its just unsaid..and I DO still love him and think a part of me always will. It really is hard...I mean either I am completely fooling myself or maybe hes just deeply emotional..but I tell you.. I think anyone of you guys would feel the same way if you heard the things he tells me..tonight he said Im like no other friend..and him moving out there made him realize how im #1 on his list of friends and people he cares for and how things are not the same..and that when I came out to him that he laughed inside because he thought me being scared to tell him I was gay was silly because he never will judge me or treat me different...

    He said as much as he tries, his friends out there are not like me and are not the same and he gets jealous that I hang out with people here and that hes deathly afraid that Im going to end up liking it here and enjoy myself out here and possible stay here..I said but you moved out there with someone who you have been close with for so many years..and someone who is going to be your wife soon..and he said that its not the same...and that its just different with me and her....

    Who knows..what I do know is I definitely by August, tell him my feelings for him...I need him to know...Brian

  27. #177

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    ^Yea I think you should definately tell him. I guess taking baby steps huh? lol. Who knows maybe he'll want to experiment. Just the fact that he knows that you're there and (if you still want him in a sexual way) he could have you.

  28. #178
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Definitely baby steps!
    And let him know, without being so direct, that you're his any way he wants you.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  29. #179

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Just read the whole thread. This is very touching. At least you are proud to have someone like him.
    I really hope things work well between you both, though I have a feeling that both him and you are suffering a lot this time. I think he misses you so much.

  30. #180
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey guys..it has been a little while since I last spoke to you all..figured Id drop in with an update...


    Several times during the week my buddy has called me..and I have called him too. Lately hes been calling me like between 4-6am NYC time...I have to admit I love hearing from him right before I start my day...


    The last couple of calls went very well..we both said how much we missed each other(i know broken record) and we just have been on the phone for hours..he says he missed the walks and drives we used to go on and how he cant wait for august.

    I told him that I felt a little down the past few days and didnt understand why(which I didnt)...he said he felt depressed too because I wasnt there..he said that until I come down here in a year that he wont be able to enjoy himself in Vegas...He said hes been good with staying away from the strip and playing poker and that hes trying to do little things to keep himself busy..He said talking to me relaxes him and makes him smile because talking on the phone makes it seem like we are minutes away from each other...and that after he hangs up he gets depressed because reality hits him...

    During one of our talks he would say some things...ask some questions...
    "Bri did you enjoy having sex with that girl that time when we were in Vegas last time?"......."Um..not really bro.."...he made some jokes bout how he hopes Im the man when Im having sex with a guy and that I should start putting on lipstick etc...silly humor...and he goes "bri...no one else can joke with this stuff but me".....

    He said he worries about me staying out here and he gets very scared that I will..he said he doesnt want our lives to get different or to stray in anyway...

    He also stated that hes worried about money...Hes been telling me this for a week or two...and I said "Im holding off on helping you right now"...and he goes "i know....why is that? do you secretly want me to fail out here so I could come back there?"...and I go "no of course not.." and he goes "well i know you dont want me to fail, but i know deep down you wouldnt mind too much because that would mean I am back in NYC.."....I said "bro two things...one..i gave you help to go out there to begin with..why on earth would I want you to go out there with money I gave you and fail?...and two...Im mature enough with myself to know that even that I want you by my side over here right now that even I wouldnt wish you to fail just so I could have that again.." He goes "well I wish I was that mature..because Im not..I wish for some reason you messed up your job and had to come down here.."

    He sad any help I could give would be appreciated....We started to end the call..He said Brian..I miss you...and I said..I miss you too....what I wanted to say was I love you....and even if I did I know he would say I love you right back..but I wanted to say..Buddy Im in love WITH you...but anyway..my buddy used to play a song for me in his car(among many)..He always used to point out the line in the song that I bolded(below)I heard it tonight while chillin out here at home...it reminded me of him so much..I miss him dearly ...talk to you all soon bri

    Winds of Change..by The Scorpions

    I follow the Moskva
    Down to Gorky Park
    Listening to the wind of change
    An August summer night
    Soldiers passing by
    Listening to the wind of change

    The world is closing in
    Did you ever think

    That we could be so close, like brothers
    The future's in the air
    I can feel it everywhere
    Blowing with the wind of change

    Take me to the magic of the moment
    On a glory night
    Where the children of tomorrow dream away
    in the wind of change

    Walking down the street
    Distant memories
    Are buried in the past forever
    I follow the Moskva
    Down to Gorky Park
    Listening to the wind of change

    Take me to the magic of the moment
    On a glory night
    Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
    With you and me
    Take me to the magic of the moment
    On a glory night
    Where the children of tomorrow dream away
    in the wind of change

    The wind of change
    Blows straight into the face of time
    Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell
    For peace of mind
    Let your balalaika sing
    What my guitar wants to say

    Take me to the magic of the moment
    On a glory night
    Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
    With you and me
    Take me to the magic of the moment
    On a glory night
    Where the children of tomorrow dream away
    in the wind of change

  31. #181
    LonelyGuy335
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    That's awesome stuff... you still talk to each other like you're living in the same city... that's good stuff, man.

  32. #182
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I read that... it makes me hurt right along with you! I keep wishing he'd just pop out and say, "I love you! I want to be with you!" But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't, and that's what you have to live with. Meanmwhile, I can't wait for August to hear how things go!

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  33. #183
    On the Prowl wishyouwerehere's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    You really gotta tell him, if he is not and is the friend that you think he is, he will stick by you.

  34. #184
    aww I wanted to explode looseliam's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Yep, yep. It's been said before, wishyouwerehere said it again as I will too. Tell him. Tell him before you go out there in 5 months. Give him time to process it all. You'll feel better, too.

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Give a man religion, and he'll starve praying for a fish.

  35. #185

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by looseliam
    Yep, yep. It's been said before, wishyouwerehere said it again as I will too. Tell him. Tell him before you go out there in 5 months. Give him time to process it all. You'll feel better, too.
    I agree. B/c if you get out there and tell him and he doesn't like it, you wouldn't want to be there and uncomfortable. If you tell him now on the phone it could give him time to process it.

    Say something like"it's funny, I had a crush on you for a long time, but after a while it died away", maybe he'll ask do you still have feeligns for him, or you could just say you have and still have one on him.

  36. #186
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    He whats up guys..Im back with another small update...


    I was watching the Oscars last night..and fell asleep briefly during the show..when I woke up I found that my buddy left me a message saying that hes just calling to say whats up and that he misses me...I wanted to watch the rest of the show so I didnt call him back and after the show I fell back asleep.


    The phone rings at 3:330am east coast time and its my buddy calling. I answer the phone and say

    "What up?" He goes "You...I keep thinking about you tonight." We exchange the same old stuff. He says that "Bri I feel like giving up and coming back...I like it here alot but if you are not out here its not the same and I cannot enjoy it." I re-assured him how quick August will come but admitted to him that sometimes I get feelings to stay in NYC for a while longer than I thought. He said he was afraid of that and doesnt want me to be far from him.

    We are talking and BS'ng then all of a sudden he goes" You know if I get married..you have to come out here to be my best man.." My heart sank and I mustered what was a VERY weak "Of course bro, you got it.."

    We kept saying how much we miss each other..but the marriage comment is still on my mind...I told him of the song I heard the other day that reminded me of us, when we used to go for drives. He thought that was cool and he was just listening to the same song in his car a few days ago.

    His mom came down for a visit..and found an apartment in the same complex as him..she is moving there with her trucker boyfriend. I said thats cool..he seemed like he didnt care too much..and I asked him.."Bro..you got your wife there and your mom(she had wanted to move near him for years since leaving NYC, him and his dad for this boyfriend).."..He said "Bri..I dont know, they are not the same..you are the only one that gets me and understands me"...

    The comment about marriage was still fresh on my mind. After a few months of meeting my friend he said he knew I would be the best man at his wedding and he asked me like 3 months after knowing me. Thats how close we got and at a fast pace. I asked him "so when you get married, you have to tell me bro..you getting married anytim soon????????"....and he said "Bri..I dont know..I dont even know anymore...." and I left it at that..I should have said..dont know about what???


    After another hour of talking..I said "Buddy I really miss you"...and he chuckles and says "you miss me??? You cannot even begin to know how much I have been missing you..I really wish you could understand..." And I said "Bro I know how it is..."...and he goes "Bri, you really dont"...We talked more and more for another our..till about 6:30, the nI had to get ready for work..We both left off saying "I miss you very much"....There was so much hurt behind us both saying that to each other .....well thats all for now, talk to you guys soon...

  37. #187
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey,

    The "you really don't know..." comment sticks with me. I think he feels something for you and you really should bring up what you wanted to bring up next time - the part about asking him what he's not sure of.

    Just be casual, say: "Remember when you asked me if...etc"

    I really hope this ends ok.

    Just be a little more probing next time, but don't go overboard - ease in

    strangelittleboy

  38. #188

    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by LostVegas


    After another hour of talking..I said "Buddy I really miss you"...and he chuckles and says "you miss me??? You cannot even begin to know how much I have been missing you..I really wish you could understand..." And I said "Bro I know how it is..."...and he goes "Bri, you really dont"...We talked more and more for another our..till about 6:30, the nI had to get ready for work..We both left off saying "I miss you very much"....There was so much hurt behind us both saying that to each other .....well thats all for now, talk to you guys soon...
    I've been an avid reader of this post but havent commented yet...

    This bit got me, did you pursue and ask why he said that you wouldn't understand how he missed you? I don't want to read anything into it but he has a really deep bond with you, and from the sounds of it he can talk to you bout stuff that he wouldn't tell his partner.

  39. #189
    JUB Addict LostVegas's Avatar
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by taketheflack
    I've been an avid reader of this post but havent commented yet...

    This bit got me, did you pursue and ask why he said that you wouldn't understand how he missed you? I don't want to read anything into it but he has a really deep bond with you, and from the sounds of it he can talk to you bout stuff that he wouldn't tell his partner.

    I didnt pause to ask or pursue it further..nest time this chance comes up I will take it...this is not the first time at all that he has said "I miss you more than you know"...etc...And yes we do have a deep bond, whether this goes further or not, we have a deep deep bond that will last forever. No question. Brian


    P.S.-Thanks for reading this and all the feedback. I know sometimes on here I sound like a broken record. Or that I might not really update with any groundbreaking stuff, but its a way for me to vent and listen to some sound advice in here. And it also serves as a little memory for me..I look back and am in awe of how far I came, just for coming to this board..I remember like it was yesterday when I told my buddy, and Im so glad I did.

  40. #190
    Bammer's Papa
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    I'm on the idea of saying you used to have a crush on him -- and then whatever he says, say, "Yeah, and it never went away."

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  41. #191
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hey Brian, I've been reading this thread from your first post and it's a really amazing friendship you guys have. I know you're missing each other badly and that he's asked for financial help from you. Along that line, have you considered flying him back to NYC for a weekend? I just wonder what would come of 48 hours together (without his fiancee around) for you two just to be together and say anything you want without interference. I'm not saying 'bring him back and seduce him' but simply get face to face privately for a few days and really talk to each other openly now that he knows you're gay. Worst case, you have a fun weekend with your best friend!

  42. #192
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Okay guys..I am sort of in a situation here.

    My buddy called me up last night very depressed. He failed an aptitude test that a prospective job had give n him to advance to an interview with the company. He was and is very depressed over this. He is in a bad way. He told me that he is down to a few hundred dollars. The job that his girl supposedly had locked in while she was here in NYC also fell through.

    See my buddy never finished high school and he has never gone back to get his GED. He has made several attempts to hunker down and get ready to take it, but he backed out all said times. He is such a good, sweet kid guys. He feels people judge him on this and he also feels he wont be able to make it in this life comfortably and to enjoy it. Me and him are a lot alike. We hate to work, but we want a lot of money. We want to be our own boss and be able to have lots of time to hang out with each other and enjoy the rest of our lives. He always said he wants to grow old with me as a friend. He said that he thanks go everyday for meeting me in that gym on that day because he'd be lost without me. He said I wished I was there near him in Vegas.

    That being said, and despite how I try to comfort him, the sad fact remains that he WILL be probably be judged on his lack of education.

    I found out today I owe $350.00 on a ticket I forgot to pay . This couldnt come at a worse time. Im trying to save up. I wanted to buy a cell phone. And of course I have to help my friend.

    The cell phone is least important and is material so I dont mind putting that off. I have to pay this ticket off, it is important. I have the money for that. Heck I even have the money for my friend. He never told me how much he needs but based on the things he has been dropping, Im assuming it to be in the 1500-2000 dollar range. He needs money for car insurance, groceries, car payment and rent. I have ALWAYS been the type of person who is good hearted. I put myself before others for so many years even when it was inconvenient for me. I do like helping my fellow man out, be it a stranger, a family member or a best friend. But at the same time, and especially since coming out to him, I feel a greater importance to myself and getting my life in order, financially being one of those things Im trying to work on.

    I have helped my buddy out many times. And have given him a substantial amount of financial support. And as his brother and best friend, how could I not help him this time, right? How could I listen to call after call of his problems and his woes and not offer him help?

    I have talked to some about this...I have gotten every response, from all sides of everything. I have gotten from my family and some others that he uses me...I have gotten from some online friends that I only help him out because Im in love with him....Some say I need to let him grow up and be a man and stop supporting him and to focus on myself...I have seen all reactions...

    Many of his friends and family wonder why hes so close to me and everyone that knows me, is amazed at how much I care for this kid...

    I do love him and i must admit that comes into play when I help him, but it is truly and mostly because hes my soul mate and best friend....

    My question to you is what would you do? What should I do? I really need advice...BRIAN

    P.S. I know some of you are going to say, well you just answered your own question..If hes your best friend...do you really have to question it?...and normally and almost always I dont, but its getting to a point where I need to start saving up and I feel like Im just keeping my head above water.

  43. #193
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Brian, Here's the recipe I use to decide when to help someone I love or not. I NEVER loan money - I either have it to GIVE or not. If I can't afford to give it, then I have to say I can't help. If you want to help him, can afford to give him the money without sacrificing your own security or comfort, and you don't think bailing him out again will hurt him in the long run, then I'd do it. This has worked well for me, and has always allowed me to help those I can or say 'no' without guilt. Bottom line is that you know him better than anyone else, so you decide what you feel is right. Sorry you (and your firend) are in such a tough spot right now!

  44. #194
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    If you keep being the Free BANK for this young man; he will never learn to accept or take financial r even personal responsability .
    By contining to bail his ass out of debt ect. .. you are enablng him to continue to be very mature with responsability ...
    IF you really care for him ; the best thing that you can do is to be compassionate ; but do not offer or give the $$$$$ .
    I say this because I have been there and just have backed out of a similar relationship .... When I stopped being the bank, my young friend hunkered down .. is going back to school for his diploma (Yes, Dip;oma IS better than a GED no mater who says different ) .... and has ask jis boss at the pizza joint for more hours ....
    Good Luck ...
    " Life Is A Garden .. Dig It ! "

    "A Man Without A Purpose Is Like A Ship WithOut A Rudder "

  45. #195
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Money, and Friends, don't mix! Money, and Relatives, don't mix! Money doesn't really mix with anything other than Money! Money doesn't care who has it, and who doesn't! Money is extremely inpersonal! Money is probably the one thing I HATE the most! But ... yet ... I wish I had so much of it that I didn't have to worry about it!

    Money has a "Strange" Power! It can do Good Things, and Bad Things, to/for people! It can change Relationships before anyone realizes what is happening! Easy access can ENABLE debilitating consequences! And a lack of access can utterly destroy Lives! If used descretely, it can Lift ALL "Boats" at once! If used indescriminately, it can Sink some "Boats" while keeping others afloat! Money is, can be, a Very Slippery Slope!!

    Personally ... I NEVER "Lend" Money to anyone! I ALWAYS "Give" it, when I can! I don't care to worry about whether it is ever repaid, or not! I consider that to be the Receiver's concern! If they care to repay it, that is a "Plus" for Them! And, if not, then I may "reconsider" the Next Time! And ... it seems ... there will usually be a "Next Time"!

    I can not come up with, nor do I care to, how much I have Given "Away"! But I do have a fairly clear picture of who will not be getting anymore! Not because they never attempted to repay me (since I'm expecting that from the start), but rather because it didn't seem to make any Positive Difference! I've never expected Anything "Back"! But at least I had hoped it would have been a "Boost", rather than just a Convenient "Crutch"! Catch my Drift??

    Each situation is Different! And, in the vast majority of cases, the Money isn't really the central issue! I guess it all boils down to the Integrity, Intentions, and Interpersonal Relationships of all those involved!

    You need to ask Yourself a few questions: CAN You HONESTLY Afford to help out just now? Will Your "Help" actually be HELPING? Do You have "Second Thoughts" about being taken Advantage of? Might Your Emotions be clouding Your "Better" Judgement? Are You really Willing to accept the Costs? Is this a "Worthwhile" Venture? Will this make YOU feel better? Is it Practical right now?

    There are quite a few other questions, but YOU are the only one that can ask/answer them! And there is NOTHING WRONG if some of those answers might lead to a "NO"! A Gentle "No", perhaps, but, still, a "no".

    I'm not trying to influence You! Just trying to get You to take a good, perhaps hard, look at the situation! If You can see your way through to "help" some more, then more Power to You! But, if not, right now, then that's O.K., too!

    I sincerely believe that "Things" have a tendancy to work themselves out for The Best!

    Do, Please, continue to let "Us" know how all is going!

    And, of course (seriously) ...

    Keep smilin'!!
    Ky
    WISDOM is the Knowledge you've gained ... After you could have used it! _Me

  46. #196
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    6:09 AM here, just got of the phone with him..


    I told him about my little problem with my ticket..then I straight up asked him how much he would need..and he danced around it saying how bad he felt because I was going through this ticket thing...I told him I would call him later today but quite frankly I think I might just take a break from him fro the weekend. He made me a little angry tonight, but I didnt show it to him. I asked him what he did today and he said he took his girl to the mall so she could use gift certificates she got while she was here in NYC...and I said what else did you do? (expecting to him to say he looked for work etc,) and all he said was "nothing, just chilled out" He said he keeps looking online for work.

    I love him to death but this pissed me off. I guess the thought of his girl having a great time at the mall on my dime pissed me off even more.

    I know money is not good to mix with anything, especially friends..but hes my brother..plus I never lend money out, I either have it or I dont...and I do have it and I guess I will help him out. BRIAN

  47. #197
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    If he's not actively going to job interviews, and his fiancee is out shopping and spending all their money on furnishings, then he's too complacent and in need of some tough love. It seems like he's depending on you for money and hoping a job will just magically fall into his lap somehow, which obviously isn't healthy.

    He's used your credit card and got you in trouble, you helped fund this move, and now he's asking you for even more money. You're not helping him at all--you're enabling him to be lazy and dependent on others. Rather than sending money, look around online to help him find job listings and food banks, and to polish up his resume. Sure he'll be upset now after he's become accustomed to you bailing him out, but if he's smart, he'll figure out what you're doing and thank you for it later. I've been on both sides of those kinds of situations, myself.

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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    LostVegas,

    I have to disagree with those who are saying that you are being used as a bank. I know exactly what you are going through. My niece is exactly the same. When it comes to money, she just goes right through it. She never puts forth the effort to save it or put it towards something beneficial. And when she runs out or needs something, who does she come to? Me. That's because I know how to save and manage my money. So, when all else fails, she knows she's got me.

    I don't know how it got to be that way. I am a very generous person. And usually, when someone else needs help, I'm there. The only trouble is, I end up forgetting about myself in the process. I have even given up on buying things for myself, such as the 4-track digital recorder for my music. I tried to save up for that 3 times and every time, it was my niece asking for help or my sister saying they couldn't pay their bills and needed help. And every time, I was there.

    I know exactly why I do it. What some of the others don't understand is the size of our hearts. People who give like you and me or people who are always there for each other, have the biggest hearts in the world and so we just give and give.

    As of now, I am trying to sing a different tune. My niece came crying to me last month, asking me if I would pay for her boyfriend to come up from Rockford. Of course, she asked me this after spending 6 hours at my house and asked 15 minutes before she was about to leave. That pissed me off, so I told her no. She even went as far as to email me 5 times in a week. She even bugged me on instant messenger.

    Finally, I just went out and bought a new computer so I didn't have the money she needed. She cried over the phone when I said no, but she got over it.

    So, I know what it's like to feel like you've got to be the support beam. I'm not trying to deflect from your thread, but I'm just telling you I know exactly what it's like. When they're right there in front of you and see the desperation or you can hear it in their voices and all you can do is help, even if it means forgetting about yourself.

    But, I don't think he's using you. He just knows he has found major support within you and he knows he can trust you.

    That's how I see it, anyway.

    strangelittleboy

  49. #199
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Hi LostVegas, I have to agree with the others who warn you to be very careful here. First of all, this guy is not your family--not your "brother"--he's a guy you're in love with, and not in a "brotherly love" way. You'd sleep with him if he'd let you. There's a big difference between friends and family here.

    He has used your credit card--unauthorized--already and is now continuing to request help, even though he and his "finance" do not seem to be making good use of their time nor resources looking for jobs and finding ways to survive. These are warning signals...of what, I'm not sure...but they are signals. Perhaps its a lack of judgement (moving 2500 miles away with no job prospect lined up), or perhaps it's something more serious.

    I'm not saying he's using you; I wouldn't know that. I know that you love him, and you are likely very generous and have a big heart to those you love and care about. That's an endearing quality. You also need to love and look out for yourself, first and foremost, though. If you have extra cash and want to be generous and giving, fine. If you've got your own needs (paying tickets, buying phones, saving to relocate to LV), then you need to pay yourself first.

    He really does need to stand on his feet here and become a man and figure this out, without looking to you for (more) handouts. If he drops you, then you know you were being used. If he comes to respect you and work with you on honest terms of a loan, then you know he loves you on some level too.

    Good luck. Protect yourself. You're on a very slippery slope with him and your money.

  50. #200
    ummagumma
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    Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

    Quote Originally Posted by averageguy
    These are warning signals...of what, I'm not sure...but they are signals. Perhaps its a lack of judgement (moving 2500 miles away with no job prospect lined up), or perhaps it's something more serious.
    Yes.. LV, another warning signal was when you mentioned how he lies about little things here and there. I dont remember the details, but it was something involving telling you he was at home when he was really with other friends. Things like that, using your credit card without at least calling and letting you know beforehand, etc. are definitely warning signals.

    He seems like a great guy and from all indications he does care about you very much and you have a great friendship, but don't let your love for him make you blind to these things. There are very sick people out there who will go to great lengths to appear charming and to forge what seem to be loving and intimate relationships, for the sole purpose of taking advantage of others. And a warning sign of this is when they don't acknowledge boundaries and act like they're entitled to your assistance.

    In all likelihood this isn't the case, and he's just simply a good friend (who perhaps doesn't have the best judgment skills), and is in a bind, and feels safe looking to you for help. But it's something to keep in the back of your mind.

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