There have been several interesting threads of late concerning coming out within the contexts of marriage. This is something that is kind of near-and-dear to me because I came out to myself while I was married (17 years; no children) and, when this happens, you never forget the confusion, frustration, and mind-boggling emotions that occur.
I sought psychotherapy to help sort this mess out, and figure out who I was, what I valued, what my priorities were, and, more importantly, what my responsibilities were. It helped a lot and I can't recommend it enough. An objective second head on this is really better than one.
I also found a lot of information and support from two groups:
1. Gay and Married Men's Association (GAMMA): http://www.gay-married.com/
This is a national organization out of Washington, D.C. Their address is:
P.O. Box 27263
Washington, D.C. 20538
There are affliates in a dozen cities throughout North America, England, and Australia. The website has helpful links and information. Check them out.
I was lucky in that there was an organized chapter here in St. Louis. We met twice a month in a church basement. It was peer-counseling/support and it was extremely helpful to me. I think what was the most helpful was seeing other everyday guys in the same boat as me--thinking the same thing, having the same feelings and fears. It was very affirming, and helped me understand what I was thinking and feeling. I was also glad that it was not a front for a meat-market hookup-for-sex gathering (although I'm sure that happened sometimes). GAMMA is a serious group helping thousands of men get through the process of coming out within marriages (or any type of hetero relationship, including being engaged or having girlfriends).
2. Bisexual Married Men's Association (BMMA). http://www.safersex.org/bmma
This is an online support group, that I think is non-moderated and may work through email postings or digested postings--again, through email, I believe. I have not been active with this site for quite some time, but when I was, I found it supportive in meeting men with some of the same questions, confusion, and conflicted feelings as me.
3. Straight Spouse Network. http://www.ssnetwk.org
I do not have a lot of personal familiarity with this network, but I do know it has a good reputation for spouses who are married to non-straight partners. It is generally perceived to be a good resource for husbands and wives working together to strengthen their marriages.
Guys in the United Kingdom: You might try the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association that serves the UK, Ireland, and Isle of Man.
Their website is: http://www.galha.org/dir/lgb/support.html
I do not know much about this organization and have just briefly perused their website. It seems pretty comprehensive, though.
You might also want to read this book:
When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochres (Harrington Press, 1989). This book gives some good pointers about how to brouch this subject with wives, children, and other good information about staying married, not being married, or whatever couples (or the gay man) chooses to do.
Lastly, a tremendous resource is Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. www.pflag.org. This organization is not just for straight folks! Visit their website for lots of good information, including chapters and resources.
If I may add one, The site is called married men attracted to other men. It is a message board like JUB but all about being married and enjoying the company of men. Here is the linkhttp://mma2om.com
I have been a member for about two years and there are alot of interesting discussions going on
Here are some more links (in no particular order) that may help.
Married Gay Men
Boston Gay & Bisexual Married Men's Support Group
HOW (Husbands Out to Wives) - subscribe to list at:
Gay Married Men
Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages
Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work
Queer America is a data base published by OutProud to find local support groups, and includes information on community centers, support organizations, PFLAG chapters, queer youth groups, and more.
Here are some more resources:
There's an interesting site from the UK that is a good, overall, "coming out" primer and will likely give you some things to think about, especially with regards to parents:
Here's another one that deals with parents:
"Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth (developed by PFLAG and aimed primarily at teens, it can be valuable reading for anyone who wants help with the issues he'll face as he begins to consider telling others.
This list is hardly exhaustive. Please...if you know of resources out there that you've used and like, or have good books or articles that you would recommend, please post them here in this thread. Working together, we can make this a good thread of resources for guys working through coming out issues while married.
Thanks, in advance.