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  1. #1
    Moderator JUB Moderator Eagle653's Avatar
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    Resources for Married Guys

    Hi everyone,

    There have been several interesting threads of late concerning coming out within the contexts of marriage. This is something that is kind of near-and-dear to me because I came out to myself while I was married (17 years; no children) and, when this happens, you never forget the confusion, frustration, and mind-boggling emotions that occur.

    I sought psychotherapy to help sort this mess out, and figure out who I was, what I valued, what my priorities were, and, more importantly, what my responsibilities were. It helped a lot and I can't recommend it enough. An objective second head on this is really better than one.

    I also found a lot of information and support from two groups:

    1. Gay and Married Men's Association (GAMMA):

    This is a national organization out of Washington, D.C. Their address is:

    P.O. Box 27263
    Washington, D.C. 20538
    Phone: 703-548-3238

    There are affliates in a dozen cities throughout North America, England, and Australia. The website has helpful links and information. Check them out.

    I was lucky in that there was an organized chapter here in St. Louis. We met twice a month in a church basement. It was peer-counseling/support and it was extremely helpful to me. I think what was the most helpful was seeing other everyday guys in the same boat as me--thinking the same thing, having the same feelings and fears. It was very affirming, and helped me understand what I was thinking and feeling. I was also glad that it was not a front for a meat-market hookup-for-sex gathering (although I'm sure that happened sometimes). GAMMA is a serious group helping thousands of men get through the process of coming out within marriages (or any type of hetero relationship, including being engaged or having girlfriends).

    2. Bisexual Married Men's Association (BMMA).

    This is an online support group, that I think is non-moderated and may work through email postings or digested postings--again, through email, I believe. I have not been active with this site for quite some time, but when I was, I found it supportive in meeting men with some of the same questions, confusion, and conflicted feelings as me.

    3. Straight Spouse Network.

    I do not have a lot of personal familiarity with this network, but I do know it has a good reputation for spouses who are married to non-straight partners. It is generally perceived to be a good resource for husbands and wives working together to strengthen their marriages.

    Guys in the United Kingdom: You might try the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association that serves the UK, Ireland, and Isle of Man.

    Their website is:

    I do not know much about this organization and have just briefly perused their website. It seems pretty comprehensive, though.

    You might also want to read this book:

    When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochres (Harrington Press, 1989). This book gives some good pointers about how to brouch this subject with wives, children, and other good information about staying married, not being married, or whatever couples (or the gay man) chooses to do.

    Lastly, a tremendous resource is Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. This organization is not just for straight folks! Visit their website for lots of good information, including chapters and resources.

    From Elwood:

    If I may add one, The site is called married men attracted to other men. It is a message board like JUB but all about being married and enjoying the company of men. Here is the link

    I have been a member for about two years and there are alot of interesting discussions going on

    From smaq44:

    Here are some more links (in no particular order) that may help.

    Married Gay Men

    Bi-Married Male

    Boston Gay & Bisexual Married Men's Support Group

    HOW (Husbands Out to Wives) - subscribe to list at:

    Gay Married Men

    Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages

    Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work

    Closed-Loop Relationships

    Queer America is a data base published by OutProud to find local support groups, and includes information on community centers, support organizations, PFLAG chapters, queer youth groups, and more.

    Here are some more resources:

    There's an interesting site from the UK that is a good, overall, "coming out" primer and will likely give you some things to think about, especially with regards to parents:

    Here's another one that deals with parents:

    "Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth (developed by PFLAG and aimed primarily at teens, it can be valuable reading for anyone who wants help with the issues he'll face as he begins to consider telling others.

    This list is hardly exhaustive. Please...if you know of resources out there that you've used and like, or have good books or articles that you would recommend, please post them here in this thread. Working together, we can make this a good thread of resources for guys working through coming out issues while married.

    Thanks, in advance.

  2. #2
    On the Prowl smaq44's Avatar
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    Jun 2005
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    Re: Resources for Married Guys, Wives, Parents

    Here are a few books my wife and I have found essential in our gay-affirmative library.

    The list is in the order I'd recommend reading them.

    Loving Someone Gay by Donald H. Clark
    (Originally published in 1977, this book is in its fourth edition, copyright 2005.)

    Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay

    On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love by Brian McNaught

    Now That I'm Out What Do I Do? by Brian McNaught

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort

    Openly gay therapist Joe Kort refers to the work of this guy. My wife and I have found his book an excellent resource:

    The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

  3. #3
    On the Prowl smaq44's Avatar
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    Re: Resources for Married Guys, Wives, Parents

    In the previous post, I mentioned some outstanding gay authors. Here are their web sites:

    Don Clark

    Brian McNaught

    Joe Kort
    (Joe's site posts many of his excellent articles.)

  4. #4

    Re: Resources for Married Guys, Wives, Parents

    I think this is an amazing thing

  5. #5

    Re: Resources for Married Guys, Wives, Parents

    omg, thanks sooo much for all the links!!!

  6. #6
    Under Construction Elwood's Avatar
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    Re: Resources for Married Guys, Wives, Parents

    Fellow Jubber Karen_Walker just created a thread about this website. As an ex-married guy, I think it is a great resource for married guys who are questioning their sexuality. It is about coming out later in life in general, it is not only for married men.
    Never be afraid to try something new, remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

  7. #7

    Re: Resources for Married Guys

    Thank you. Very helpful list of resources.

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