Feelings... dealing with hurt over someone you care about. And the silent treatment.
I am new to this and am grateful I have the opportunity to come here to talk.
I'm a 44 year old guy been married and divorced. And am a father.
I was bi curious, so in March last year I ended up meeting another bi curious guy from a dating site, to explore and work out the sexuality.
The guy ended up being the same age, same situation, and a father too.
The intention was just curiosity and sex drive. But I met him, we got along well as we have similar situations and at the same point in life.
After that first night at my house, he started coming once a week. Then sometimes twice a week, then months down the track it became three nights, and sometimes four, and spending days off work with me. All of these were weeknights because he lives hours away so he came to stay after work.
During the past 17 months it has felt wonderful. There have been great times. There have also been a few problems, recurring problems. Those problems are only as bad as the mind allows it though. I know that.
I will explain the type of guy he is first:
He is a good looking guy.
A tradesman, an attractive one too.
He is masculine, like a strong man, but a soft teddy bear on the inside.
It is his softness that makes him block his feelings in. I believe he is easy to hurt.
He is gentle. He protects himself by putting up barriers.
He has a fear of love. He has been hurt by women.
He was similar to me in that he wanted a good secure home for his wife and kids. He would do anything to ensure that, as I would too.
He does not express his inner feelings often. And I am the opposite.
If he gets hurt, he goes and will be silent with no contact or response. That hurts me. I do the opposite, and want it done sorted and buried straight away. Unless of course I want to be difficult.
He is bright. Very independent. Very switched on.
But does not like getting deep.
Yes I love him. The way he is ended up sucking me in. I could not help it and I now feel like I committed a crime almost in his eyes. As it scares him. He likes it though.
I suspect the reason it scares him is because love is staring him in the face. Love with a male. This love for a male does not conform to his mental image of the strong family man that has a good home, a woman and kids.
So I have had some great times with him, actually every minute I spent with him over the past 17 months was.
On and off little, or what seems little, issues arised. The issues were always from ones that I had with him and mostly from the early days when I met him as a mate. As it was early days and meeting up with a fellow bi curious guy, we were both totally open about other people. He was seeing a woman. And he had a few others briefly in those early days. He remained on the dating site that I met him off and would go in daily or more.
Fair enough, but as time grew on, and feelings grew on my part, it gradually became an issue in my head. Four months after meeting him I had fallen in love. Like a school girl.
And he had told me around that time that he has some sort of feelings for me. I told him I was the same.
I felt so into this guy of whom I did not meet up with to have a boyfriend or relationship. But at the same time I did not put thought into that anyway. It was a desire and curiosity.
From day one there was a great bond, a mateship that became very valuable to me. He only wanted mateship. He would often give the hints and make sure that 'mate' was pointed out to keep things 'under control'.
So what should the mind make of things. I had feelings for him. He apparently had them in return. I would express mine at first by way of kissing and touch and never spoke it, to not let it make things possibly awkward for him. I always wanted him to come back.
So in the time I have known him, it felt like a silent rollercoaster, while I sensed him wanting me, then backing away, wanting me, backing away.
Problems started on my part over three things: The dating site, Texting, Silence.
He remained on and regularly visited the dating site until February this year. Texting - it was clear that it was not his thing, he did not want to hear from me at anytime we weren't in my house. And in periods of family commitments there would remain no contact.
But once the weekdays came around, he be wanting to come down to play.
I'd cook him dinner and have him stay each time. I enjoyed that completely.
So during those issues that I had, it started by me trying to approach it now and then. It caused a slight hiccup at first. But as the months went by, it became an issue in my head. At the same time my feelings grew more. Crazy.
I really thought the sun shines from his rear. It felt good to feel this way. And it would have felt good had I been able to feel that way and remain secure about it.
But I am not secure anymore when I once used to be.
This is because at times of minor issues they never got sorted with me. There was never a response. So I carried on and slowly gained insecurity over it. At the same time I still felt the same way about him.
It got to a point where a number of times now I have hurt him, lashed out at him over it in text. The insecurity was becoming anxiety too. He would just be silent.
Then we'd always be spending nights together again and all was great, or seemed it to me.
Then same issues, my approach to it, waste of time, got frustrated and lashed out again. He I guess felt hurt.
By late December I felt mixed up. Over the loving feeling in his company. Then the pushing away and distancing from his subtle reminders of mateship.
So I text him saying I am mixed up and need time out. I text him after four weeks, and he ignored me. I tried again telling him I was worried so he replied and was being sweet. Then same issues again. Then him feeling hurt. But in February after seven weeks not seeing him we caught up again. It was back the same as it always was, great times.
A number of weeks later, same issues again, the dating site and being ignored. I phoned him, and told him he needs to tell me to move on. It was clear to me that I loved him, but he was into me for sex. He would not do it. So back again, the normal nights together.
Around this same time he stopped going on the dating site. And the ignoring of text eased off on the most part. When I say texts I rarely text as I was afraid to get the lack of response.
April 2014 and similar issues. I had ended things with him when that is not what I wanted. I hurt him. I then tried to contact him but wouldn't answer the phone, or acknowledge me for about ten days.
Then the nights were back on. All has been good. He is more chilled with me. The was a deep night though, where he told me we are on different levels. I can't remember what was said, but I remember him yelling at me the words "what do you want, you want a full blown f#####g relationship don't you".
I didn't, I hadn't gone that far. I loved him and wanted any of those times with him.
He gets very agitated if he thinks somebody wants a relationship with him. Some of the women in the early days I knew him, wanted a relationship from him. As he was telling me, I could see his agitation. Often when I first met him he had said to me "she wants a relationship" trying to start on the subject.
So he has been single for some time and not met anybody from that dating site. He had said that in last nights "fight" and I believe him fully.
Monday night - great. Tuesday night - tired. Wednesday night - first big fight happened.
In the fight things got said that were untrue. It was hurtful on both parts. When raised that we should part, his response was 'ok'. He says there's no point saying anything. If somebody wants to do that, they do it. We both started to get angry and said a few hurtful remarks, and he left. Today he is giving me the silent treatment. He is not talking to me. When somebody gives the silent treatment, is that a clear indication that they do not care?
Not sure of what my mind set should be. I'm told if I don't like it or am not happy then I need to go. By me feeling as though he can take it or leave it, then it's not going to last, so why continue.
I don't know whether it is a mateship, a fuc# buddy, a friend with benefits, a mate with love, a lover, or if at all it is actually some sort of relationship. It is hard because I only know how I feel about him. I love him.
I think he wants a friend with benefits but with the pampering as well, and I want to feel like I belong with him in some form. And I am committing a crime by feeling that way.
I know this is long winded but it has helped me to let it out.