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  1. #1
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Being with someone while still being in love with another

    I have a question to ask, but I don’t know how to put it without it seeming to be leading. Bear with me.


    I am in love with someone. I have been since 2006. I am to the point that even if I had the chance to be with him I don’t know if I would take it, but I still love him. I suppose deep down I do still want to be with him. My ex-counselor said I should move on and date anyway. I feel it is wrong to be with someone while wanting to be with another.


    What is your opinion on being in a relationship with one person while still wanting another?
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    It is unfair on both you and the person you are having the relationship with.

  3. #3
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    I don't think it's a good idea.

    Are we talking about an ex or a friend?

  4. #4
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    From your post, I understand you like/love someone but you are not together? If so, dating and meeting other people is no problem. You wouldn´t lie to anyone and it would make you get over him easier. Just don´t make him the first topic to talk about when you are meeting new people.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  5. #5
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Thynight, are we to assume you are in love with someone who does not love you back? If so, why have you not moved on?
    Dating is about getting to know another person. It's not about love. So, it's reasonable to date and perhaps in the process, you will get proper perspective on the other guy.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  6. #6

    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    The heart is a deep, and multifaceted thing, capable of loving many on different levels. We all have that "one true love" and we go on to love others... some not as strong, some just as strong, some even stronger. Love isn't some kind of light switch we can just turn off and on... it's more like a scar we carry with us, that becomes part of us and our lives. You're capable of loving more than one person at a time, and you have the will and the intelligence of weather to act on it or not. I have people from my past whom I will always love - even if I never see them again they're important to me, and I wish them well. That doesn't stop me from moving forward and being happy.
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  7. #7
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Quote Originally Posted by medic1 View Post
    It is unfair on both you and the person you are having the relationship with.
    I agree with it being unfair to the person I am with, but I guess I am a bit dense. How would it be unfair to me?


    Quote Originally Posted by altlover85 View Post
    I don't think it's a good idea.

    Are we talking about an ex or a friend?
    We had a very close intimate, but non sexual, friendship. Because of certain things we never officially were together


    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    From your post, I understand you like/love someone but you are not together? If so, dating and meeting other people is no problem. You wouldn´t lie to anyone and it would make you get over him easier. Just don´t make him the first topic to talk about when you are meeting new people.
    I am obsessed with honor and loyalty. In my head that is emotionally cheating on the person I started to see, unless I told them first thing. I do see your point though and the bit of gray it brings into my life. I am really going to have to think about what you wrote.


    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    Thynight, are we to assume you are in love with someone who does not love you back? If so, why have you not moved on?
    Dating is about getting to know another person. It's not about love. So, it's reasonable to date and perhaps in the process, you will get proper perspective on the other guy.
    It is complicated and I am not comfortable saying why. I will say that I think we are still drawn to one another and probably always will be. We will go months without talking, then out of nowhere he will contact me just because he wants (seems to me needs) to talk to me.

    As to why I have not moved on, I don’t know if I am mentally ready. I don’t know if I ever will be, nor if I truly want to be. With that said the reason I asked this question was I was messing around on OkCupid.com (a dating site with tests and other fun things) and I accidentally bought a membership for a month. I was thinking maybe it was time, but the thread question gives me pause.

    Good point about dating not being about love, but getting to know the person.


    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    The heart is a deep, and multifaceted thing, capable of loving many on different levels. We all have that "one true love" and we go on to love others... some not as strong, some just as strong, some even stronger. Love isn't some kind of light switch we can just turn off and on... it's more like a scar we carry with us, that becomes part of us and our lives. You're capable of loving more than one person at a time, and you have the will and the intelligence of weather to act on it or not. I have people from my past whom I will always love - even if I never see them again they're important to me, and I wish them well. That doesn't stop me from moving forward and being happy.
    I don’t know what to say to this, but thank you.




    To everyone that answered thank you for the posts. You all have given me stuff to think about.
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

  8. #8
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    I think it's possible to hang on to "what ifs" forever, but at what cost? You'll move on when you realize that this is causing you problems. You have to be bothered by being stuck before you can do anything about it.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  9. #9

    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    You should take the counselor's advice and date. Or if not date, make friends, but at the very least, actively go out of your way to meet and get to know new people. Over time, you will develop feeling for soe of theese people, and with enough patience, and a pinch of luck, you'll fall in love with someone who loves you back. If that happens, your current feelings will slowly fade away. I'm not saying they will disappear, but they will be more quiet.

    If you can't be with the person you love, it is best for you to move on.

    You are not acting without honor or loyalty, by doing this, and you should remember that you owe a degree of loyalty to yourself and your own happiness as well.

  10. #10
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Thynight, Disturbance Has already listed why i think it would be unfair on you. Would you be happy and committed in a relationship if you were having such thoughts about another guy? Especially since your post about honour and loyalty.

    Dating someone can be very different than being in a relationship, you have to find your own comfort level.

  11. #11

    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    I think it's possible to hang on to "what ifs" forever, but at what cost? You'll move on when you realize that this is causing you problems. You have to be bothered by being stuck before you can do anything about it.
    I agree. Many things are done in the name of love. Obsession. Infatuation. Codependence. Lust. ... She might realize you could have more than just love going on that you need to work through.
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  12. #12
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Since no one else pointed this out...I feel like I must.

    Some people have extensive defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy or avoid risking anything in an actual relationship so they have a lot of self imposed barriers ...usually unbeknownst consciously to them ....

    I think you might find one day that what you feel for this guy might not even be love...it might be something else. At any rate... love definitely has it's seasons and will grow, change and adapt as life goes on.
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

  13. #13
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    I'd say definitely try to date others. I was crazy about this one guy about 4 years ago. But nothing was ever going to come from it. I started talking to this one guy, and after getting to know him and meeting, I was able to move on. Then when that ended, I was severely hurt for awhile. Eventually, I started dating another guy about 8 months later, and my feelings for him evolved and he became my number one priority. I wouldn't say dating someone else while in love with someone else is not fair to you or the other man, but it can make it easier and end the feelings you had for the other guy.

  14. #14
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Thanks everyone.
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

  15. #15
    On the Prowl mcbrion's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    Since no one else pointed this out...I feel like I must.

    Some people have extensive defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy or avoid risking anything in an actual relationship so they have a lot of self imposed barriers ...usually unbeknownst consciously to them ....

    I think you might find one day that what you feel for this guy might not even be love...it might be something else. At any rate... love definitely has it's seasons and will grow, change and adapt as life goes on.
    I agree. Understanding the different between Love and Desire is not an easy thing to do. Many people use the expression 'in love with,' but when we're young, what we think of as Love is very different than what we understand when older (if we see life thru open eyes).

    What is it about this man that you love? Looks? Soul? If what you want is just him, then ask yourself again if it's Love, because if it's truly Love, you will want what's best for him - and by extension, what is best for you. There is a saying:

    In Real Love, you want what's best for the other person.
    In Romantic Love, you just want the other person.

    And yes, there can be both, but that takes maturity. Do you think about his feelings first, or just how you feel about him?

  16. #16
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    I'm also going to agree with eastofeden. It does sound like what you are doing is clinging white-knuckled to a reason NOT to move on.

    This is pretty common actually. I've done it, seen a bunch of other guys do it, happens all the time. Since you won't discuss why this other guy is off limits, it's kind of difficult to give an opinion, but just speculatively - if the guy was straight, you are probably playing games with your own head about not wanting to expose yourself to real risk, which is what eastofeden was saying. Facing rejection is sometimes the problem, sometimes closet issues, sometimes it's intimacy issues, all of which require you to do what you don't want to do - put yourself out there - if you want to get over it.

    If the guy is gay, we'd need a bunch more context to really help.
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  17. #17
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    In addition to being the plot line for Friends for several seasons, people who are right for each other really do spend years or decades apart before they finally figure it out and get together. Sometimes it's after 20 years married to someone else followed by "I had to get a divorce because every day for 20 years I never stopped thinking about you."

    It's nice to spare that someone else 20 years in a dead end relationship if it can be helped.

    But "reasons" could be anything. If it's "wrong place wrong time," then what are you doing to let that person know?

    If it's "sexual orientation / gender mismatch" then it's time to let go.
    If it's "sexual orientation is one thing officially but I know for a fact that there's more to the story" then it's also time to let go.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  18. #18
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    Whatever other factors exist, it is a proven fact that the best and fastest way to move on from someone is to actively pursue others. Go on dates, get to know people. It won't be a betrayal to your feelings for him, nor would it be unfair to them. You will not go further than you feel you should, but using him as an excuse not to invest in another person is also not healthy. There is no dishonesty about not mentioning previous partners/loves right away. In fact, it's dating etiquette not to. At least at first, dating has to be exclusively about the potential unit that is the two of you. Not whatever baggage either of you is carrying around.

    Also, 8 years are a gigantic life-period to be in love with someone without any consummation of it, emotional or otherwise. I would hesitate to even use the term "love" at this point.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  19. #19
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    The original question was:
    Quote Originally Posted by Thynight View Post
    What is your opinion on being in a relationship with one person while still wanting another?
    This thread has gone off the rails. This thread was never about the one I love, but morally is it okay to date another while having feeling for someone else.




    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Also, 8 years are a gigantic life-period to be in love with someone without any consummation of it, emotional or otherwise. I would hesitate to even use the term "love" at this point.

    I never said it was one sided. Also I never said that what we had/have has stopped.
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

  20. #20
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    No, but you said it can't happen, and even if it could, you aren't likely to go for it. So for all intents and purposes it is NOT happening. And the topic is almost ENTIRELY about the one you love, because these questions are never general, and can never be answered in a general way. The answer has to be based on YOUR situation, because there are no absolute rules in morality and in the emotional connections between people. So as much as you may be loathe to talk about him, you can't really expect to get a satisfying answer to your question without telling us something about him.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  21. #21

    Re: Being with someone while still being in love with another

    New people and surroundings are good. I have had a couple of heavy crushes on guys I never ended up dating. In fact I ended up holding hands with one of them and realized I didn't feel anything for him! I was in fact hiding behind these guys to get some affection and attention because I was scared of getting hurt after a bad relationship breakup, also my job was making me unhappy so you can see how toxic this was becoming. The guy I was crushing on left my workplace and without having him to distract me, within 3 months I realized I had to get out of there and got myself a new job! I do still think about my workplace crush sometimes but I just realized you need to take a step back and work out what caused it in the first place, e.g. what were you lacking at the time and what do they do that keeps you interested.
    Always fight or what or who you believe in

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