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  1. #1

    Please your advise about relationship, sex, break up, ...

    Hi everyone

    I post here because I've been going over this in my head (I have that tendency).
    I have talked about it to my friends, but I'ld appreciate some more input...

    I've been out for 2,5 years now. I'm almost 30 atm. It took me some time to really open up, even after coming out.
    About one year ago, I had my first sexual experience, which was a hookup with an older man. Never with the intention to start a relationship. It was fun (3 times or so) but nothing more.

    A few months later I started chatting with someone on some sort of dating site. It took me a long while, but we finally started meeting eachother. First for coffee/lunch etc.
    I wasn't initially attracted to this guy I was seeing. He's 5 years younger than me (for me that's not really a turn on), I didn't find him particulary charismatic, he's still in the closet towards eg his parents,...

    Beginning of May, he made the first move and kissed/cuddled me etc...

    We've been seeing eachoter since then. Let's say an average of 1,5x/2weeks ... We both have busy jobs...

    In the beginning he was the one who seemed really "in love". I didn't really have that feeling, but I kind of doubt that I ever will. I'm maybe not the type of person to fall head over heels...? Even though we agreed to take it slowly, we're now a few months furhter, and I feel like we're stuck a little bit. I suggested him to maybe introduce eachother to our own respective friends. But he thougt that might be a bit early. Whereas I see it as a part of being in a relationship. You also want to see how that person interacts with your friends, what they think, ... I was a little surprised by this, because I had always been the one who wanted to take it slowly...

    Now, about the sex. I'm a bit worried. I can get hard with him, but I havn't cum yet (we've done it like 6 times?). It's starting to weigh on me. I don't know why that is. Is it something psychological with me? Am I just not that attracted to him? What should I do? Should I see a psychologist/sexuologist?

    Further more, I have to admit that there is this little voice inside me that tells me, maybe I should "break up" with him (atleast I consider we have a "relationship", even though we never stepped out in the real world as a couple). He is a great guy with lots of qualities, but there are also several things that "bother me" (*he's younger, I feel like he has little to "teach" me, which is something I would like in a partner, * he's not out to his parents, and its something I don't blame him for (I know the feeling!), but I struggle with it, *he has a totally different idea about lots of things, *he seems a bit spoiled,...) Is the fact that I keep thinking about this so much a "sign" that we're not really clicking? Am I too picky?
    I don't know what to do. Should I "break up" with him? Or should I give him/us a little more time to see where this is going? It's my (and his) first relationship... Should one "invest" in a relationship, or does one feel quite soon if it's meant to be or not. I mean, we're having fun most of the times, but otoh I feel like we're a little stuck and I'm maybe at another point in my life than he is?

    I'm sorry for the long story... I know I am the only one to answer these questions. But I would still appreciate as much feedback as possible... thx!

  2. #2
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Please your advise about relationship, sex, break up, ...

    It seems as though you've had second thoughts from the beginning and that may be the reason you haven't been able to cum. Some people's sexual function works hand in hand with the brain while others are seemingly able to be totally sexually carefree. This may be your issue.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  3. #3

    Re: Please your advise about relationship, sex, break up, ...

    Thanks for the feedback. I think you could be right...
    I'm going to break up with him, I think. I have never done this before. I don't even know if he will be surprised/sad/relieved/...
    Do you give someone you break up with "reasons"? - I feel kinda deflated now I seemed to have made this decision in my head...

  4. #4
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    Re: Please your advise about relationship, sex, break up, ...

    It sounds to me like you aren't really emotionally or sexually attracted to him and that is a common occurance. At this point...you don't really have to break up with him as you are not officially together...just start to back off a bit and let go naturally. If he asks then tell him. I think that both people usually "know" when it isn't working but often times don't want to admit it to themselves.
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

  5. #5
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Please your advise about relationship, sex, break up, ...

    Do this: think of someone you really love/care about and imagine them in your situation, feeling what you feel: what would you tell them?

    Not being able to cum is most probably performance anxiety. Maybe you´re just not attracted to him? Are you into older guys, as you mentioned one in the beginning of your post? Age difference is not really an issue in a relationship once you know how to focus on the good things.

    He is not out and it´s his decision if and when to tell the others. But him being closeted is the main reason he doesn´t want you to meet his friends and family, I´m sure of it.

    If you really think often about ending the relationship, trust your heart. BUT make sure it´s thought well and don´t do it just because you´re scared of something you haven´t had before.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

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