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  1. #1

    My friend's BF is cheating

    I have a friend, who lost his mother about 2 months ago. He started dating this guy, and it was obvious to me that hewants to seem him as more and better than what he actually is.

    I think that, when his mother died, his grief affected his good judgement, and he needs someone to hold on to.
    My friend is an amazing, wonderful, and extreemely intelligent guy. He just finished his studies, and he was the best student, he also received honors. He however blindly trusts his boyfriend.

    The issue, that I want to discuss is this: His boyfriend (call him Z) is online on various dating sites all day long. He brought up the shitty excuse that he is only online to chat with some friends (skype/facebook anyone?). My friend believes it all.

    Today, he started to send flirty messages to me on a dating site. I played along to see his true intentions, and he invited me out to have sex with him. He sent pictures and everything.

    I recorded our entire conversation as proof, and I want to show it all to my friend. I am worried that he will be so deperate that he'll do something stupid though. I want to help my friend out of this, as he told me that if anything like this were ever to happen, he would want to know, but I still worry.

    I guess I just kinda looking for you guys to tell me that I am doing what is right for my friend, but feel free to disagree.
    Last edited by Disturbance; August 3rd, 2014 at 01:47 AM.

  2. #2

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    I think you should not have gotten involved... this is between your friend and his BF.

    You've put yourself in the line of fire either way!

  3. #3
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    You aren't a true friend unless you tell him. You must also be prepared it will destroy your friendship

  4. #4
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    If you were in his situation, would you like your friend to tell you? Or better yet, ask your friend if he would want the truth and see where it goes from there.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  5. #5

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    I'd tell him, as I'd like someone to tell me if I were in his shoes.

    He may be irrational initially, but reference when he said he would want to tell you if something like this were to happen. That may help him be more appreciative of what you might do. But remember, losing a boyfriend (even if short term) is a loss, which may result in a grieving process. Give him space if he needs it.

    If he stays with his boyfriend, he will learn from his mistake. And after trying your best to help him, that lesson may be something he needs to learn on his own.

  6. #6
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    This kind of situation can be a doubled-edged sword because you’re often damned if you do and damned if you don’t. IMO I would have stayed out of it. It is a matter between your friend and his BF to work out and, often, love is blind. However, you have now put yourself in the middle by communicating with the cheating boyfriend, even allowing him to hit on you, which he can use against you. I would be completely truthful with your friend at this point, with the understanding that your discussing this with him “may” hurt your friendship.

  7. #7
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Forget the conversation you had and slowly back away and keep quiet about it.. Its not your job to be a private investigator. Your friend will eventually figure it out or catch him cheating on his own. not cool.

  8. #8

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by jensu846 View Post
    Forget the conversation you had and slowly back away and keep quiet about it.. Its not your job to be a private investigator. Your friend will eventually figure it out or catch him cheating on his own. not cool.
    What if he doesn't figure it out?

    Tell your friend. Or ask him if he wants to know.

    If you keep quiet and he finds out that you knew, he might not want to be friends so much anymore...

  9. #9

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Dashriprock3172 View Post
    You aren't a true friend unless you tell him. You must also be prepared it will destroy your friendship
    I feel the same way.

    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    If you were in his situation, would you like your friend to tell you? Or better yet, ask your friend if he would want the truth and see where it goes from there.
    We discussed this before, and we both agreed that we'd like to know the truth.

    Quote Originally Posted by spooky View Post
    I think you should not have gotten involved... this is between your friend and his BF.

    You've put yourself in the line of fire either way!
    I don't care about me in this situation.

  10. #10

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Update:

    I told him.
    Turns out, that they had unprotected sex all the time so far.
    He is devestated, but I made him promise that he will contact me everyday and won't do anything stupid. He said that I did the right thing, and he is glad to have me by his side.

    I think deep down, he knew this will happen, but he was very desperate for someone to grab onto.
    I promised him that I will escort him to an HIV test, when the required time has passed. He is totally scared of HIV, which I can understand, as I am someone who's gone through the hell of HIV paranoia before.
    Last edited by Disturbance; August 3rd, 2014 at 01:01 PM.

  11. #11
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Did you present yourself as somebody else on that website?

  12. #12

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    I don't care about me in this situation.
    Your friend is very lucky to have you. You did the right thing. Glad to see you guys are still friends.

  13. #13

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by LiberoK View Post
    Your friend is very lucky to have you. You did the right thing. Glad to see you guys are still friends.
    He needs help. He has serious problems, even though he has a brilliant mind. He hungers for love, and stability in his life I think.

    Quote Originally Posted by Harke the Boeotarch View Post
    Did you present yourself as somebody else on that website?
    No. I did not. I used my own face.

  14. #14
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    I have a friend, who lost his mother about 2 months ago. He started dating this guy, and it was obvious to me that hewants to seem him as more and better than what he actually is.

    I think that, when his mother died, his grief affected his good judgement, and he needs someone to hold on to.
    My friend is an amazing, wonderful, and extreemely intelligent guy. He just finished his studies, and he was the best student, he also received honors. He however blindly trusts his boyfriend.

    The issue, that I want to discuss is this: His boyfriend (call him Z) is online on various dating sites all day long. He brought up the shitty excuse that he is only online to chat with some friends (skype/facebook anyone?). My friend believes it all.

    Today, he started to send flirty messages to me on a dating site. I played along to see his true intentions, and he invited me out to have sex with him. He sent pictures and everything.

    I recorded our entire conversation as proof, and I want to show it all to my friend. I am worried that he will be so deperate that he'll do something stupid though. I want to help my friend out of this, as he told me that if anything like this were ever to happen, he would want to know, but I still worry.

    I guess I just kinda looking for you guys to tell me that I am doing what is right for my friend, but feel free to disagree.
    That makes you a stalker and not a good person.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  15. #15
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Telstra View Post
    That makes you a stalker and not a good person.
    I take it back sorry, i didn't read the post properly.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  16. #16
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    How did it come about that he offered to have sex with you? Did you contact him first? There's a difference if he randomly sought you out or if you contacted him to see what he would do.

    Do you have feelings for your friend? Do you think it's your place to check up on the next guy he dates?

    Tell your friend to wise up--no unprotected sex with someone just because you think you are "dating." Your friend may be vulnerable, but he's not as smart as you think he is.
    Last edited by Seasoned; August 4th, 2014 at 02:00 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  17. #17
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    You did good. Or well.

    Even if you don´t believe it, try to keep him calm and tell him everything will be fine. Just be a friend for him, spend some time with him trying to make him focus on other things rather than obsess and go insane over the HIV thing.

    Even before the wait ends, make him go to therapy, because it seems you are convinced his mind is not quite in the right place. Maybe you could go with him the first few times?!
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  18. #18

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    You did good. Or well.

    Even if you don´t believe it, try to keep him calm and tell him everything will be fine. Just be a friend for him, spend some time with him trying to make him focus on other things rather than obsess and go insane over the HIV thing.

    Even before the wait ends, make him go to therapy, because it seems you are convinced his mind is not quite in the right place. Maybe you could go with him the first few times?!
    We met up today, and he had pretty good appetite. He ate a huge hamburger in like 5 minutes, and he was pretty happy to see me, so I suppose that's a good sign. I did convince him to try the free therapy that the university offers to students.


    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    How did it come about that he offered to have sex with you? Did you contact him first? There's a difference if he randomly sought you out or if you contacted him to see what he would do.

    Do you have feelings for your friend? Do you think it's your place to check up on the next guy he dates.

    Tell your friend to wise up--no unprotected sex with someone just because you think you are "dating." Your friend may be vulnerable, but he's not as smart as you think he is.
    The site we are talking about is planetromeo. He left me messages, and he was very suggestive. He even sent pictures of his private parts. I don't have feelings for my friend. I did what I did, because I could. I believe that inaction would have been the wrong way to go about this, and to allow someone friendly to suffer, when it costs me practically no effort to change that, is just plain irrational.

    I told him to be more mature about his relationships, but I'm not certain he wanted to listen.

  19. #19
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    ^And, like I said, it's not your place to determine if a future boyfriend is faithful.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  20. #20
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

    So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

    This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

    If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

  21. #21

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

    So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

    This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

    If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.
    It's not about the act of cheating. It's about the deceit.

  22. #22
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

    So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

    This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

    If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.
    I see where you are coming from, but I disagree. As the friend, the OP's loyalty is to his friend, not the boyfriend. He is helping his friend and saving him from potential heartbreak. The fact that the boyfriend was online looking around for potential hook-ups, whether or not he followed through on his hunting sprees, is cause for concern on his mental fidelity. Lying is even worse than cheating, in my book. And his ex-bf was definitely lying about what he was doing on his computer. He was not just skyping and facebooking "friends".
    If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…I could walk through my garden forever.
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  23. #23

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

    So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

    This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

    If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.
    Lucky and dereperez reasoned the same way I have. It was a breach of trust, that put my friend in a bad position.
    He lied to my friend several times, which doesn't inspire trust. If he isn't trustworthy, he is dangerous (unprotected sex). It isn't my place to judge wheter they should break up or not, and I didn't, but I allowed my friend to make a decision based on information he would have never learned otherwise.

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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    You made a decision that some agree with while others do not. That's pretty much how life works and you have the ability to make choices. The issue here can be codependency and it's extra scary if you're doing it on behalf of someone else. Your friend needs to learn how relationships develop and when it's appropriate to trust at a 100% level. If you wish to be helpful to your friend, you could spend time and energy trying to instill that in him.

    Again, there's a big difference to you as to how you found this guy to be a player. It's one thing if it was by accident, it's another, if it was by spying and entrapment. Fine, if it was by accident. If it was deliberate, I'd advise you to live your own life and let your friend live his. So far, all he's learned is that you discovered his new boyfriend is a douchebag. We can only hope that next time he'll be able to be more discerning on his own.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  25. #25
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    Lucky and dereperez reasoned the same way I have. It was a breach of trust, that put my friend in a bad position.
    He lied to my friend several times, which doesn't inspire trust. If he isn't trustworthy, he is dangerous (unprotected sex). It isn't my place to judge wheter they should break up or not, and I didn't, but I allowed my friend to make a decision based on information he would have never learned otherwise.
    He may actually be everything you said he is...but you are playing God with someone else's relationship. If your friend asked you to play detective then perhaps that would be different. I am not convinced that the motives here are noble. This comes from years of experience and watching "helpful people" help others in their relationship. If you wanted to find out who is lying in every relationship you could have a full time job...perhaps you would be well suited for a career as a Private Investigator?
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

  26. #26
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    It's not about the act of cheating. It's about the deceit.
    Agreed. Even if he has not followed through with it yet, he is greasing the slide and increasing the odds he will cheat. Even if he never does, he is being unfaithful in other ways.

    There is no easy answer to this, however. But if they are having unprotected sex and who knows what has happened with others, the friend was at increased risk. I vote for protecting the friend.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  27. #27
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    ....
    There is no easy answer to this, however. But if they are having unprotected sex and who knows what has happened with others, the friend was at increased risk. I vote for protecting the friend.
    Agree.

  28. #28

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    He may actually be everything you said he is...but you are playing God with someone else's relationship. If your friend asked you to play detective then perhaps that would be different. I am not convinced that the motives here are noble. This comes from years of experience and watching "helpful people" help others in their relationship. If you wanted to find out who is lying in every relationship you could have a full time job...perhaps you would be well suited for a career as a Private Investigator?
    I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.

    Being a private investigator sounds fun. But for now, I have other matters to attend to.
    Last edited by Disturbance; August 5th, 2014 at 09:23 AM.

  29. #29
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.
    That is dangerous territory IMO...playing God doesn't always end well ...

    ...but I can live with your opinion too .
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

  30. #30

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.

    Being a private investigator sounds fun. But for now, I have other matters to attend to.
    Hopefully this is my last post here.
    While I think you helped your friend out in this instance, you're increasingly coming off as overbearing and overly involved. You are not his husband. You are not his mother.

    Sometimes people need to make mistakes and learn for themselves. Now if this is someone you grew up with your entire life, maybe this is normal for you.

    Otherwise, this is a great opportunity for you to examine and consider the flaws in your approach and attitude toward your friend and how that could adversely affect his growth and yours.

  31. #31

    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    Hopefully this is my last post here.
    While I think you helped your friend out in this instance, you're increasingly coming off as overbearing and overly involved. You are not his husband. You are not his mother.

    Sometimes people need to make mistakes and learn for themselves. Now if this is someone you grew up with your entire life, maybe this is normal for you.

    Otherwise, this is a great opportunity for you to examine and consider the flaws in your approach and attitude toward your friend and how that could adversely affect his growth and yours.
    Exactly. But mistakes must be realized, if we want to achieve growth. That is where I helped him out, I think.

  32. #32
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    Re: My friend's BF is cheating

    Thread has run it's course.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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