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  1. #1
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    One busy month...

    Hey all, some of you guys prob noticed that I got back on here and then vanished straight away again, well there's a reason or two. Essentially July was one hell of a month for me, and i'll try to explain everything I got up to.

    So right from the beginning of July and the couple of weeks before, I'd not been my normal self. Arguments with the gf, never in the mood to chill out, have sex, even losing my appetite and struggling to sleep, so when I finally got to talk to a doctor, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Both at a very alarming level and was advised to go straight onto medication... which i decided against. I wanted to leave it a week and see how I was doing before committing myself to a really long course of pills. Everyone I spoke to was really supportive though, it helped me get closer to my dad for instance and the guys at work were cool with me taking time off if i ever needed to go to the doctor or anything.

    Literally the very next day I get home from work, gf and I sit down and have a talk, started out with what was wrong with me and how we could get through it, ended with us deciding to break up. While it was all very sudden, we both kinda knew this was the right thing to do, so I packed a bag with a few changes of clothes and went down to my dads. For those who don't know, we had been together for 4 years, we survived the whole of uni together despite the 3 and 1/2 hour commute to see each other at weekends. I had been living with her for just over a year and while throughout the whole relationship there had been times I'd wanted to end it, she always had managed to get me to stay. This was the first time she'd wanted me to go.

    Pretty much as soon as I left, I started feeling alot better. Over the next 24 hours my mood shot up, however before long I was missing her. I had always been the independent one while she needed constant communication and affection. Yet it was me who would keep calling her or starting any text exchange over the following weeks. I had days were I felt shit, while others I was feeling so much better. I took the opportunity to try and become someone new. A haircut, loads of new clothes, I joined the gym and well, explored with guys.... Only really bjs and while at first it felt sooo good, the freedom to do what I wanted with who I wanted was what I really needed, but only like a week later I had a session with a guy and afterwards felt like so dissapointed with myself and didn't enjoy it like the others.

    Whats worse is my 'ex' and I were still close... and arguably were more then just friends. call it break up sex I guess, but after basically each time we've done it, Ive felt to down and depressed about it, except for my birthday... We had already planned and booked to go down to Brighton for a night. Yeah I know what youre thinking, Brighton how typical for a recently single, bi guy to go to Brighton for his birthday, but it wasn't intentional at all. And we both went, I was expecting it to be so awkward... but it really wasn't. We both enjoyed it, and not just the birthday sex. We were acting so close again, to the point when a few times I was so close to turning around to her and saying we should try again. And this is pretty much my predicament. I want to be single, and go mess around with guys etc, but I still have feelings towards her, and she wants me back too, just next time we wouldn't be so clingy and I'd still get my own flat and car etc. I worry that my moods would drop again being back with her as like on the way back from Brighton I could hardly bring myself to talk to her. The last few nights I've stayed with her again, and while i'm trying to be good and not give in to her seduction.... it's not particularly easy. I think I really need to work out alot of things first before getting into a relationship at all, let alone get back with her. I just feel like i'd let myself down by taking the easy choice and agreeing to be with her again.

  2. #2
    Ruminating
    sixthson's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Does she know you are bi?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  3. #3
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    Does she know you are bi?
    Yeah, She's known for as long as I have, in fact she's pretty much the only person who knows, but in many ways it's one of the big factors that started pushing us apart. I guess it's hard to love someone who also wants to play with cock

  4. #4
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scottf View Post
    Yeah, She's known for as long as I have, in fact she's pretty much the only person who knows, but in many ways it's one of the big factors that started pushing us apart. I guess it's hard to love someone who also wants to play with cock
    Perhaps but it's also harder to love someone who is going through a depression.

    It's probably better that you take some time to work through this before you make any changes. Until you have your head in a better place and you're clearer on what you want, there's no reason to rush into anything.
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  5. #5
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    This sounds more like not wanting to be alone on both your parts and being more content with familiarity than with what is really best for you both. You haven't broken up. You've just changed your living arrangement. Getting back together with no discussion or change will get you back to wanting to break up all over again. If you are not able to commit to her it's not kind to intimate that there's hope. You may like and love each other, but you both already know that that is not enough.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  6. #6

    Re: One busy month...

    Scott I know this is a bit random but does the thought of being a gay man scare you? give it some thought and see how it makes you feel.
    Always fight or what or who you believe in

  7. #7
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    This sounds more like not wanting to be alone on both your parts and being more content with familiarity than with what is really best for you both. You haven't broken up. You've just changed your living arrangement. Getting back together with no discussion or change will get you back to wanting to break up all over again. If you are not able to commit to her it's not kind to intimate that there's hope. You may like and love each other, but you both already know that that is not enough.
    I know exactly what you mean here. Yes we still get on, etc, but I worry that getting back together will push us apart again. Even on the occasions we've met up, sometimes i'm fine. Other times I just can't stand to be around her. I do feel like our relationship has run its course. It would take alot of change on both our parts to succeed again, yet she's already asking me if i'm ready to give it another go.

  8. #8
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by JC2008 View Post
    Scott I know this is a bit random but does the thought of being a gay man scare you? give it some thought and see how it makes you feel.
    This is a good point. When I first realized I liked guys then yeah, I was terrified of being gay. When I finally admitted to myself that I was bi, it still dident feel... right. However since the breakup and especially as iv'e tried to change all bits and pieces such as how I dress, I'm not sure it would scare me now. I might still 'act straight' but yeah. I'm a gay man. I'm not out to family or anything, but I think if someone asked me, even just as a joke, i'd tell turn around and tell them.

  9. #9

    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scottf View Post
    This is a good point. When I first realized I liked guys then yeah, I was terrified of being gay. When I finally admitted to myself that I was bi, it still dident feel... right. However since the breakup and especially as iv'e tried to change all bits and pieces such as how I dress, I'm not sure it would scare me now. I might still 'act straight' but yeah. I'm a gay man. I'm not out to family or anything, but I think if someone asked me, even just as a joke, i'd tell turn around and tell them.
    Hey Scott. Don't try and change yourself to please everyone else, just be the person you want to be and ALWAYS be yourself (that's not always easy all the time but I think you know what I mean).

    I had 2 girlfriends when I was 17 to try and straighten myself out but also to help me discover who I really was. Finally aged 18 I went online and talked to other guys my age and I said that I was bisexual. During a conversation with a gay friend who was about to come out, he said the exact same thing to me that I said to you, I had to sit down for a few hours and get used to the idea that I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. I could either hide and be depressed and fearful or I could come out, deal with peoples reactions and move on as myself. As soon as I came out, I gained twice as many friends, people said I was more outgoing and myself after I had come out and people respected me too. Two other guys in my college also came out because of me. . Sadly one person did turn their back on me, but he was the only one (he sadly drove his car into a tree 4 years later and died :-S)

    Anyway if you want to chat further then feel free to PM me, all the best dude and a big virtual hug... J xx
    Always fight or what or who you believe in

  10. #10
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scottf View Post
    ... I'm a gay man..
    That's a big step buried in the middle of a paragraph. Congratulations on that step.
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  11. #11
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by JC2008 View Post
    As soon as I came out, I gained twice as many friends, people said I was more outgoing and myself after I had come out and people respected me too.
    While I've not really 'come out' to people yet, Just sort of knowing in my self i've really changed. People at work etc and have really noticed the improvement in my moods, and even the way I dress is more 'me' than before.

  12. #12

    Re: One busy month...

    Perhaps you're emotionally, and co-dependently attached to her, while at the same time resenting her for the relationship she represents but cannot give you that you really seek (with males) ?

    This made more sense in my head than it does out loud.

    You want a relationship and the closeness like you have with her, but with a guy, which you've only had the physical with thus far but not the emotional.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  13. #13
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    Perhaps you're emotionally, and co-dependently attached to her, while at the same time resenting her for the relationship she represents but cannot give you that you really seek (with males) ?.
    I think you've pretty much hit exactly what Iv'e been thinking about over the past month or so. I want to be with her, but is that just 'I want to be in a relationship' rather than wanting Her in particular

  14. #14

    Re: One busy month...

    That's a pitfall of many relationships... "I want THIS... just not with you."

    You guys have a lot of history together, intimacy, and feelings of endearment toward each other, but obviously there's something there that's missing for you, and whatever it is you have, just isn't enough to make it work in the long term. Whether that's plumbing (she's not a guy), or something else, only you can answer.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  15. #15

    Re: One busy month...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scottf View Post
    While I've not really 'come out' to people yet, Just sort of knowing in my self i've really changed. People at work etc and have really noticed the improvement in my moods, and even the way I dress is more 'me' than before.
    Hey, that's really good progress and it sounds like you are getting comfortable with yourself. When it comes to relationships, don't forget your close friends, a true close friend will always be there to help you and keep you company. Hopefully you have someone to turn too. Also don't feel you have to be with a partner to make you happy... that's not how it works.
    Always fight or what or who you believe in

  16. #16
    Slut Scottf's Avatar
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    Re: One busy month...

    hey guys, was thinking i might have a little session on cam4 and thought id let you guys know

    http://www.cam4.co.uk/scottf92

  17. #17

    Re: One busy month...

    shame it was a bit late for me and I missed it. You planning any more? I hope you're ok
    Always fight or what or who you believe in

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