Hey all, some of you guys prob noticed that I got back on here and then vanished straight away again, well there's a reason or two. Essentially July was one hell of a month for me, and i'll try to explain everything I got up to.
So right from the beginning of July and the couple of weeks before, I'd not been my normal self. Arguments with the gf, never in the mood to chill out, have sex, even losing my appetite and struggling to sleep, so when I finally got to talk to a doctor, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Both at a very alarming level and was advised to go straight onto medication... which i decided against. I wanted to leave it a week and see how I was doing before committing myself to a really long course of pills. Everyone I spoke to was really supportive though, it helped me get closer to my dad for instance and the guys at work were cool with me taking time off if i ever needed to go to the doctor or anything.
Literally the very next day I get home from work, gf and I sit down and have a talk, started out with what was wrong with me and how we could get through it, ended with us deciding to break up. While it was all very sudden, we both kinda knew this was the right thing to do, so I packed a bag with a few changes of clothes and went down to my dads. For those who don't know, we had been together for 4 years, we survived the whole of uni together despite the 3 and 1/2 hour commute to see each other at weekends. I had been living with her for just over a year and while throughout the whole relationship there had been times I'd wanted to end it, she always had managed to get me to stay. This was the first time she'd wanted me to go.
Pretty much as soon as I left, I started feeling alot better. Over the next 24 hours my mood shot up, however before long I was missing her. I had always been the independent one while she needed constant communication and affection. Yet it was me who would keep calling her or starting any text exchange over the following weeks. I had days were I felt shit, while others I was feeling so much better. I took the opportunity to try and become someone new. A haircut, loads of new clothes, I joined the gym and well, explored with guys.... Only really bjs and while at first it felt sooo good, the freedom to do what I wanted with who I wanted was what I really needed, but only like a week later I had a session with a guy and afterwards felt like so dissapointed with myself and didn't enjoy it like the others.
Whats worse is my 'ex' and I were still close... and arguably were more then just friends. call it break up sex I guess, but after basically each time we've done it, Ive felt to down and depressed about it, except for my birthday... We had already planned and booked to go down to Brighton for a night. Yeah I know what youre thinking, Brighton how typical for a recently single, bi guy to go to Brighton for his birthday, but it wasn't intentional at all. And we both went, I was expecting it to be so awkward... but it really wasn't. We both enjoyed it, and not just the birthday sex. We were acting so close again, to the point when a few times I was so close to turning around to her and saying we should try again. And this is pretty much my predicament. I want to be single, and go mess around with guys etc, but I still have feelings towards her, and she wants me back too, just next time we wouldn't be so clingy and I'd still get my own flat and car etc. I worry that my moods would drop again being back with her as like on the way back from Brighton I could hardly bring myself to talk to her. The last few nights I've stayed with her again, and while i'm trying to be good and not give in to her seduction.... it's not particularly easy. I think I really need to work out alot of things first before getting into a relationship at all, let alone get back with her. I just feel like i'd let myself down by taking the easy choice and agreeing to be with her again.