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  1. #1
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Hello,

    I've decided to post here to vent and ask for any advice that might help me deal with the stress I'm going through. Okay, I have been married for 13 years to my best friend from high school and we have three children together. We have had our share of problems, like coming to terms with my sexuality, but we always seemed to figure things out together. And for the most part we have had a happy life together. But this past year has been exceedingly rough for us. My wife lost her father unexpectantly in an accident 8 months ago and everything seems to be spiraling downhill ever since. My wife took his death very hard and has been stuggling with depression and anxiety, coupled with some medical problems. Two months ago I quit my job of 10 yrs because my employeer and BIL was saying ill things about my wife, children, and myself. At first I thought that I would have more time to take care of my familys personal needs. Of course that didnt last long before my wife quit her job sending us into financal hardship. This sent my wife into an alcahol and drug abuse spiral that made me give her an ultimatum of no drinking and drugs or I was leaving with the kids. While this is going on Im also dealing with her bank to get her car back from repo and deal with her wreaking her mothers car, and picking her up from work because she sounds baked out of her mind that gets her fired from her second job. She swears it was because she was exhausted and I knew she wasnt and still isnt sleeping well to this day although she lays in bed until 12 everyday and falls asleep on the couch the rest of the day. After this all happened things seemed to level out and we both recieved calls for job interviews. When it seemed like we might be pulling through we get papers in the mail for allegations of misconduct for my wifes professional license. So this has been my life for the past months. I am completely drained and feel like I'm barely keeping my familys heads above water. My house looks like a war zone because three kids and two barely functional parents doesnt go well together although its not like she helped clean before.

    Idk... I feel like a failure as a father and a husband...
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  2. #2
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Your family needs you to lead to get through this. BUT...you need help. You cannot do all of this by yourself.

    Go get counseling for your wife for her drug and alcohol abuse and her depression. Get counseling for the whole family for emotional & financial support. Hopefully, these professionals would be able to help you manage the situation better. Look back to learn from it so you can move forward for the better. Don't look back and start placing blame on yourself or anyone else. This is not the time to do that.

    Wish you the best, buddy!
    Last edited by HunterM; July 30th, 2014 at 11:15 PM.

  3. #3
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    It sounds like things are very difficult for you right now and I'm very sorry to hear that.

    I second HunterM's advice and one thing I would suggest that might help is to just google "breathing exercises" as I've found that taking a deep breath and/or just being more aware of my breathing can help me get out of the negativity that I can feel at times.

    The most important thing for me to tell you is that you shouldn't feel like a failure at all. You are doing the best you can and sometimes bad things happen to good people. I think it's commendable that you are able to keep things going given the circumstances.

    Best of luck and thanks for having the courage to post here and ask for some advice. I think it's a great first step!

  4. #4
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    you can do it alone.


  5. #5
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    One day at a time I guess. Today was one of the better days I've had in awhile. Don't know if it was the venting, advice, or the pot of coffee I consumed this morning. I had much more energy today and took the wife and kids out to the park. Heres to hoping tmrw will be just as good.

    Thanks for the advice so far! I am currently reasearching counselors in our area. Hopefully I can find a good one thats not too expensive. I am also a believer of meditative exercises and breathing techniques but I think it's something I've done instinctively. As for taking the kids and calling it quits, I have concidered it I just don't want to give up just yet. Even if our romantic relastionship is at an end, she really is my best friend. I would want to get her to a better place before we go down that road.

  6. #6
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Sounds like a good plan!

    Lead your whole family toward meditation. If everyone around you is more relaxed, you will be more relaxed as well.

  7. #7
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    She'll need to tackle her depression. A drug and alcohol assessment also seems to be in order. Don't make threats you won't keep. It will put you in the dark hole of co-dependency.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  8. #8

    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    You never failed. You're the only one there trying to keep things together, and you must be a pillar of strength now. I know this must be hard, andwe can't even imagine what's going on, but you must really take the job. Your wife needs help, and if she can't have a job, she really should take care of the house at least. Is there anyone who can help with the kids? Grandparents maybe?

  9. #9
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Wow! It's been almost a year since my last post. I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Well it's about time for a bit of an update I guess. Since I last posted I managed to support by family myself up to April when we moved out of the area. My wife was offered a really good job and I was finally hoping our luck had started to turn around. I had gotten my wife to see a counselor and she started on some depression medication that seemed to be helping her through a lot of her hard times. I also think I had gotten through to her about her drinking/drugs after I had to call her friends and family to get her under control one night. I think the worst part of that night was that she kept trying to talk to the kids all drunk and whacked out of her mind. I think I've never been more hurt and scared for my family than that night. But after that night she seemed to settle down and she focused on getting this new job which took us across the state. I agreed that maybe a change would do us good and we could make a new go of things. We got the car out of repo and the matter with her license was cleared. Things seemed to be getting back on track. Even the kids where excited to be moving. It didn't last long, one month after the move she quit her job. Unemployed for a month! Car back in repo, just barely got the rent paid, both bank accounts overdrawn, sold my wedding ring for food for the kids. I had to put up with another of her drunken nights. After that night, our relationship is in the crapper. I told her I would only stay because of the kids. It's to the point that I took the kids and spent an entire week at my parents house. I've only been back with my wife a week and it feels like a month. I don't believe in God and I caught myself praying for some kind of good turn of events. So for right now everything is in limbo. She starts another new job soon, I can only hope that we can fix some of our financial problems and reduce the stress. I said I was willing to clear the slate again for a fresh try, but I'm just not sure if it's going to happen this time. I might be too bitter and resentful.
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  10. #10
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Geographical moves to make things better is common among addicts. Things will only get worse unless she stops using. No amount of talking, threatening or screaming will change things. A new job will be only one more thing to lose. Now, why are you not looking for work?
    Last edited by Seasoned; June 19th, 2015 at 10:46 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  11. #11
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    It was part of the deal. I would stay with the kids until summer was over and they went back to school. I'm pretty much at the point that either she will live up to her commitment or I will go. I'm not listed as a tenant on the lease, only an occupant, so hopefully the landlord won't sue me if I leave and she doesn't pay. As much as it will pain me to move back in with my parents I would have a place to lay my head. I also left on very good terms with my last job so if they have an open position I would have a job the next day. She truly is my best friend and I love her but we have grown far apart over the last couple years. I told her the other day I want the amazing girl I fell in love with in high school back. I know that will never really happen but I thought it might spark some recollection of who she once was. We had so much fun laughing and acting like idiots together. We didn't care what anyone thought as long as we were together, we were happy.
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  12. #12
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    You're going to have to take care of yourself and the kids. She seems to be an addict that so far has not accepted her condition. There's no way to convince her to get help and she is unable to stop on her own volition. She is powerless over alcohol and drugs and you are powerless over her usage.

    Your kids are growing up in a dysfunctional family and you all need help. Staying with her in these circumstances is enabling her.

    All bets and arrangements are off when it comes to caring for children. You need money to care for them. They need to be safe and feel safe.

    Your current arrangement is working for no one. Have you ever attended an Al-Anon meeting?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  13. #13
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    as a recovering addict I can tell you your life and situation isn't going to get any better until she gets into a treatment program. Right now you need to focus on your children. you need to get them away from her asap. move back to your parents and get your job back. at this point you have to put your kids first. Right now her addiction is running the show. until she gets professional help and some extended clean time her illness is going to reek havoc on all of your lives. Your children need stability in their lives and seeing their mother in this state is not good for them. your wife isn't going to be the same person you fell in love with until she is clean and sober for a long time. I don't believe in "hitting rock bottom". she's going to continue doing what she's doing until she decides she's had enough. you can't wait around got that to happen. move, get a job, give your children a clean, stable place to call home and once your wife gets her act together slowly allow her back into your lives. I strongly advise you to get them into therapy and attending alanon meetings will help. I hope things work out

    Steven

  14. #14
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have much to think about. I have not attended an Al-anon meeting but took some time to look at their website. A few clicks and realizations I guess…
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  15. #15
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    your wife is suffering from a disease that she has no control over. addiction is a terrible disease that can hit anyone. old or young.....rich or poor. ....it doesn't discriminate. she's lost control of her life and addiction is running the show. without professional help she'll most likely never get her life back. the disease of addiction is like any other disease, left untreated it just gets worse and worse. it leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. it will make a person do things they never thought they were capable of doing. that doesn't mean she's not responsible for her actions. she is. but the disease is not in remission and she doesn't have control of herself. this turmoil is going to continue until she decides she's had enough. she's not seeing the damage she's causing and she won't until the consequences of her actions get to be too much. she's not thinking clearly and it's showing in her actions. she's lost several jobs, walked out on others knowing your family needed the income, had trouble with her professional license. .. those are just a few things that you've told us about. I guarantee there's a lot more that we don't know about.

    al anon is a good resource. look into narc anon as well. it's similar to al anon but deals with drugs and alcohol. whether it's alcohol or drugs, the disease is the same. it's just a different substance. I know it's hard to deal with but like I said in my other post, you need to put the kids first and get them out of that chaos. maybe losing her family will be the catalyst to get her into treatment. obviously I don't know how the communication is between you and her but you could sit down with her and tell her you're taking the kids and moving unless she gets into treatment immediately. not a week or a month from now. you mean right now. a mini intervention if you will. if that doesn't do it then leave. don't argue with her or let her try to talk you out of it. you have to be firm and straight forward with her. remember she's not herself. addicts are very good at manipulating people and making them feel guilty. they'll rationalize almost anything. if you've already had that talk with her follow through with what you said you were going to do.

    feel free to pm me if you want.

    Steven

  16. #16
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Thank you, Steven for the advice. I'm seriously thinking about attending a meeting and seeing how it goes. I know it would be helpful, I just need to overcome the mental hurdle that is stopping me. I also need to be able to fit it into my schedule. I have a job offer tomorrow that I'll most likely take. I just have this feeling that things are only going to get worse before they get better.
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  17. #17
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    you're welcome. I've been fighting addiction for many years. I've been clean for 8 years. believe me. I know the havoc addiction causes to the addict and those around them. May I ask what your "mental hurdle" is? you can pm me if you don't want to make it public. trust me. the people at the al anon meeting will be more than welcoming and will not judge you. I know taking that first step and going to a meeting can be intimidating but you'll find a lot of support from the group. give it a try. if that particular meeting isn't for you don't give up. try another location. I've attended many different groups. some are really good and some just werent a good fit. I honestly think you'll like it. it helps to know you're not the only person who's struggling with an addicted loved one. there will be people from all races, religions, and socio economic classes. remember addiction doesn't discriminate. it can attack anyone. billionaires to street people. some people view AA, NA & al anon as a "cult". NOTHING could be further from the truth. they're support groups. nothing will be forced on you and it doesn't cost anything to attend.

    good luck with the interview and I really hope you give the meetings a try.

    Steven

  18. #18

    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    What on Gods green Earth inspired you to quit your job until you had a new. HUGE error. I am a Director of Marketing for 4 states and if you are not working an gave me that excuse, I woulld save you have poor judgement at times. You do what I had to do years ago just keep showing up, as iin being involved in the relationship. I am gay and I have lived with my husbannd for 25 andd have a stedy boyfriend for 8 years who got tossed in the state pen for 2 yeaars annd he iis miserable. He's costing me $240 a month and is so controling and miserablle I am ready to call it quits. But kids do that as adults we should honor them and work as hard as we can to keep them.

  19. #19
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    I'm not sure to which job you’re referring to. If it was the first job, I quit because I was unhappy working there. I think my brother-in-law's behavior pushed me over the edge. If you’re referring to the second job, the reason I quit was to move to another location because my wife got a very good job offer. Both jobs have expressed interest in hiring me back which should say a lot about my character. In both instances my wife was employed when I resigned my jobs. I'm sorry you feel that I exhibited poor judgment, but if I'm correct in reading the tone in your script it seems it is just that, judgment. We each hold to our own ethical and moral standards; I'm sorry but neither your approval nor condemnation will change mine. I understand that in relationships "just showing up" can be a large part of the battle, but to me that seems lack lustered if a truly loving and meaningful relationship is the goal. I think this holds true for both professional and romantic relationships. I would much rather employee an individual who enjoys coming to work and is enthusiastic than one that is just there for a paycheck and is miserable. The same goes for romantic relationships. I will always love my wife whether I'm standing next to her or from afar. My love for her will not change, but I do not need or want to be a victim of her behaviors and poor choices.
    You're just ugly enough to be wise.

  20. #20
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Do yourself a lot of good by reading up on the disease of alcoholism and also on the topic of codependency. There are limited consequences for an active alcoholic- incarceration, wet brain, death or recovery. And you, in order to have a healthy life, need to stop enabling her. So far, she hasn't seemed to have faced any consequences.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  21. #21
    On the Prowl BelovedEnigma's Avatar
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    Re: Using my last nerve to lace my boots

    Thanks Seasoned, I've read a bit about alcoholism and now that you mentioned codependency I will focus more on that. I also looked up a local Al anon meeting and got as far as sitting in the parking lot watching people walk in until my own insecurities took over.

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