Hello everyone, this is the first time I post on this forum, hope this post won't end up too messy, I'm not the most articulate person after all. I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some genuine advice.
The bf and I had previously been in a relationship 2 years ago for one year, before he moved away for some rather difficult personal reasons. He left it pretty hard for me then -- he basically just took off, and cut me entirely out of his life without even officially breaking up with me. I was very much in love with him and it was a very hard time for me, for a whole year I lived under the despair of losing him and not having closure.
Later I found out the reasons he left, and even though it was very dick-ish of him, I chose not to hate him. During this time, my best friend and I, who I used to be flatmates until quite recently got quite close, we never did anything as we had been there before and it didn't work quite as well, he helped me move on from the bf, until on the night of my graduation the bf turned up in my grad ball, we got back together, even though it maybe the most stupid decision I've ever made, I decided to go with my guts.
I am not entirely sure I still love him as much as I used to, maybe I got back with him because I never had closure, nevertheless, it was some very nice few days before he had to head back - yes we're dealing with a long distance relationship with a severely depressed and stressed out him, what's worse is that I have since then moved to France, where I'll be spending the next couple years of my life.
What happened 2 nights ago put me under complete doubt and a huge amount of guilt:
I flew out to asia where my family lives to direct my sister's engagement photo shoot, and we had to go into some really remote location where we had to sleep in tents. I shared a tent with the make up artist and well, I cheated on the bf with him, it was a blowjob from him, it made me feel so guilty and I didn't even enjoy it, I didn't even like this American guy. I used to be so loyal to the bf I wouldn't even look at another guy for more than a second, now this happened and I am lost as heck.
I am scared to talk to the bf and I'd take ages to reply to his messages.
I am considering breaking up with him, after I confess to him. But what makes it really difficult is he is really mentally dependent on me, due to his psychiatric conditions and he had just recently lost his company and a very dear family member.