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  1. #1

    Caught BF texting another guy

    So last night I found out my boyfriend, M, and an longtime friend of his (not an ex) have not only been sexting with each other (including pics and videos) but they are planning on having sex the next time that this friend is in town.

    And to make matters worse, I just moved in with my boyfriend 2 days ago

    The main part of the message that I saw said "He lives here now though so we will have to play careful!"

    I know that my boyfriend has somewhat of a more "wild" past but not to the point of cheating on his partners. I am exclusively a top on our relationship and I know that he would like me to bottom if possible but I just can't physically do it. We've tried multiple times and he has said he's ok with it.

    But I'm wondering if this could be why? Maybe he's craving and the urge of topping. Which if that would be the case, I wish he would just talk to me and ask about it. We've made jokes about getting a random guy for him to top with, but if that's really an issue, Obviously he should be honest with me.

    I just don't know what to do. Because I'm so upset because we truly do seem like we are on the same page with everything. Hence why we just moved in together.

    Should I confront him now? Or wait it out? Is it just sex?

    The friend will be here in 2 weeks so I could always try to "catch" them in the act and make it really dramatic! Lol. But I don't want to do that.

  2. #2
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    You should bring it into the light of the day and then prepare to move, unless you willing to spend the rest of your life with a cheater. No game playing by trying to catch them. There has been enough of that.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  3. #3
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    I have to agree with sixthson, if your partner who you have just moved in with is preparing to cheat on you now, then he will do so again.

  4. #4

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Cheaters always cheat. They use people. They have no reasons, only excuses.
    Dump him as soon as possible, because you deserve better.

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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Is cheating back an idea that appeals to you?

  6. #6
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Have to agree with advice already given: bring this up with him. Then dump his sorry ass.

  7. #7
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Is he really worth all this drama? I would move on and not look back. As others have said, if he cheats once, he'll do it again...and again. It's pretty much doomed to failure so why even give it anymore thought? You deserve better.

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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    If he started this 2 days after you guys moved in together, imagine what will happen in the future. Just go, I wouldn┤t even bother telling him anything.
    ĘBeware the fury of a patient manĘ - John Dryden

  9. #9

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    I promise I'm not trying to come up with excuses... But we have only been together 6 months and moved in together only because I live my sister so there is no "lease" or contract. So it was more a convenience thing.

    I only ask cuz I need to know how to approach the subject. I am a very upfront person so I have no problem talking to him no matter how chaotic it may be.

    I've just never been put in this situation before and am just trying to understand why he is doing this. Maybe it's cuz he's didn't thing we were serious yet it maybe it's cuz he just doesn't care either way. Lol.

    Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it.

  10. #10
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    What a piece of shit. It's not that he wanted to sleep with another guy, I mean some people have open relationships or mess around together, but he was clearly trying to cheat on you behind your back which is wrong.

    Confront him, but think about dumping him too. Unless you want to have a talk about a threeway. Idk, everyone is different.
    We only see two things in people, what we want to see and what they want to show us. - Dexter Morgan

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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by CupidBoy View Post
    What a piece of shit.
    ^ Worth repeating!

    Dump your cheating boyfriend. Move back to live with your sister or start finding a roommate to live somewhere else.

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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Not being a party to your relationship or your conversations or dating patterns it's difficult to judge either of you and your behaviors. It appears he needs to flirt and sneak and on some level you've been suspicious or you wouldn't have snooped. This indicates to me that you're both in an unhealthy relationship.

    The problem is you may both have certain tendencies that won't automatically get better by leaving unless you're aware and work on them. He could be a player or even an addict and you could be a co-dependent, hoping to force things to work with an emotionally unavailable partner.

    Confront him and be prepared to be confronted as well. Get this in the open and make some health decisions.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  13. #13
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by blakester10223 View Post
    So last night I found out my boyfriend, M, and an longtime friend of his (not an ex) have not only been sexting with each other (including pics and videos) but they are planning on having sex the next time that this friend is in town.

    And to make matters worse, I just moved in with my boyfriend 2 days ago

    The main part of the message that I saw said "He lives here now though so we will have to play careful!"

    I know that my boyfriend has somewhat of a more "wild" past but not to the point of cheating on his partners. I am exclusively a top on our relationship and I know that he would like me to bottom if possible but I just can't physically do it. We've tried multiple times and he has said he's ok with it.

    But I'm wondering if this could be why? Maybe he's craving and the urge of topping. Which if that would be the case, I wish he would just talk to me and ask about it. We've made jokes about getting a random guy for him to top with, but if that's really an issue, Obviously he should be honest with me.

    I just don't know what to do. Because I'm so upset because we truly do seem like we are on the same page with everything. Hence why we just moved in together.

    Should I confront him now? Or wait it out? Is it just sex?

    The friend will be here in 2 weeks so I could always try to "catch" them in the act and make it really dramatic! Lol. But I don't want to do that.
    Blake,

    Only thing I can tell you is that I know the exact thing you're going through. My ex did exactly the same thing only with a bit more deceit. He had a long friend that he met while back in college. He told me that he considered him one of his most supportive friends as well as his most platonic. He reinforced it by giving me his history as well as his current "succesful" relationship that he has been in for years. I was always a bit weary after reading some provocative texts. Not that they were sexting but just seemed to friendly. The friend lived out in Vegas and was planning on visiting Philly for a few day to catch up with some old friends and such... At that time I was waiting tables and tending bar at a pretty prominent gay bar in the city. My ex told me that they were going to have lunch at my place and do the sunday funday thing. I served them brunch and drinks around 1pm and met the guy. He was so happy t o meet me and "I've heard so much about you..." blah blah He was actually very charming and cordial, almost trustworthy. They finished up and told me that they were heading out to a local spot and that he had to get back to the airport by dinnertime. So I said my goodbyes and thought nothing else of it. I call him after I was finished work thinking that he would still be out, hoping to grad a drink together. He told me that he was still out but not in the area. I thought nothing of it and went and had a couple drinks with friends and headed home. I got home and happened to notice that the bed was made, my ex never once made the bed. I was like, "oh here we go.." he wasn't home so I texted him. he said he was on the way home and would be therein 15 min. I just said to myself that I would just wait till he got back to bring up my concerns. Naturally after consuming a few cocktails I had to pee, Dont you know I lift up the toilet seat to find a used rubber floating full of cum! I snapped! at the very same instant he walks through the door. After heated questioning, his response... "Sorry I just had too, I've always wanted to and it happened" I kicked him out, which meant he moved to the couch for a while and finally moved out after 2 months. I later find his hookup email account and evidence that he cheated on me over the course of 4 years something above the number of 1200 times.

    I just want to say that you have evidence that he's capable of these things and nothing is going to change. "once a cheater, always a cheater" well said! cheaters are sociopathic narcissists, they think nothing of the consequences nor who they impact through their actions.

    Do yourself a favor and confront the issue, move back in with sis and cut the loses. You will find true love that you deserve, it won't come instantly but it will. Im still looking three years later, but I'm not giving up yet.

    Sorry for the rant but I think it will help!

    Rock!

  14. #14
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Tough call. Seems as if it depends on your willingness to share your lover with others.

  15. #15
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    If he started this 2 days after you guys moved in together, imagine what will happen in the future. Just go, I wouldn┤t even bother telling him anything.
    ^QFT

    Luckily, you found out early.


    Quote Originally Posted by blakester10223
    But I'm wondering if this could be why? Maybe he's craving and the urge of topping. Which if that would be the case, I wish he would just talk to me and ask about it. We've made jokes about getting a random guy for him to top with, but if that's really an issue, Obviously he should be honest with me.
    What you're doing here is looking for a reason why this is your fault. It's not. If someone is sneaking around behind your back after 2 days of living together, it's because he's a dog. It has nothing to do with you.

    Quote Originally Posted by blakester10223
    I just don't know what to do. Because I'm so upset because we truly do seem like we are on the same page with everything. Hence why we just moved in together.

    Should I confront him now? Or wait it out? Is it just sex?
    You have to decide whether you want an open relationship.

    If you're fine with it, then he's free to do what he wants with whom he wants.

    If you're not fine with it, then get out now. He's not going to change and you deserve better.
    JUB's full list of smilies can be found here.

  16. #16
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    You've been together six months. If he is scheduling a cheat only two days after you moved in, imagine how many times he did it the six months before you moved in.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  17. #17

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    I completely agree and understand with what everyone is saying here. However a huge part of my frustration is that we have 2 mutual friends who live in the same neighborhood as my bf. So not only did I already spend a lot f time time in that area but once we started dating I started being there literally about 5/6 days a week. So if any of my friends would have thought some suspicious behavior was happening (random cars, late night trips, etc) I know I would have been alerted...

    Plus he has just started a new job where he commutes 90 minutes one way to this new job.

    So there's all these things that have happened that lead me to believe that he hasn't been cheating simply because I know he rrally hasn't had the time or opportunity because people including myself know where he has been basically at all times cuz of the new job and schedule for example. I've been at his home more than usual helping with care of his animals since because of his new schedule.

    Not to mention he works a second job on the weekends! So when I say I know here he's been basically every second of every day for the last 3 months I'm not kidding lol!

    So again, I'm not trying to come up with excuses but before I go in for the big talk I don't want to jump to conclusions about why or how long he has been doing this?

    Hence why I honestly believe that it could be the reason of what I thought before, the whole "top/bottom" situation. Could he be craving to top since (if he really has been faithful to me) he hasn't topped in 6 months...?

  18. #18

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by blakester10223 View Post
    I completely agree and understand with what everyone is saying here. However a huge part of my frustration is that we have 2 mutual friends who live in the same neighborhood as my bf. So not only did I already spend a lot f time time in that area but once we started dating I started being there literally about 5/6 days a week. So if any of my friends would have thought some suspicious behavior was happening (random cars, late night trips, etc) I know I would have been alerted...

    Plus he has just started a new job where he commutes 90 minutes one way to this new job.

    So there's all these things that have happened that lead me to believe that he hasn't been cheating simply because I know he rrally hasn't had the time or opportunity because people including myself know where he has been basically at all times cuz of the new job and schedule for example. I've been at his home more than usual helping with care of his animals since because of his new schedule.

    Not to mention he works a second job on the weekends! So when I say I know here he's been basically every second of every day for the last 3 months I'm not kidding lol!

    So again, I'm not trying to come up with excuses but before I go in for the big talk I don't want to jump to conclusions about why or how long he has been doing this?

    Hence why I honestly believe that it could be the reason of what I thought before, the whole "top/bottom" situation. Could he be craving to top since (if he really has been faithful to me) he hasn't topped in 6 months...?
    Sorry, but it sounds like you're in denial. Just because you have two friends in the area who haven't noticed anything doesn't mean he hasn't been cheating. I mean, do they stake out the house 24/7? And you being there five or six days a week means there's been one or two days per week when you weren't. If you've been together six months, that adds up to at least 20-40 days when you haven't been there. Plenty of opportunity to cheat. But I'm digressing… Even if he hasn't cheated on you so far, the fact remains that only six months into the relationship and two days after moving in together, you've discovered that he's actively making plans to have sex with someone else behind your back. That should be a massive red flag for you. If I were in your shoes, I'd move back out. I'm not in your shoes so it's not for me to decide but one thing I think you should do no matter what is bring this situation up with him ASAP and talk about it. Remember, it's not just the cheating itself that's the issue - it's the lack of communication and the fact that he's doing this behind your back. Even *if* his behaviour is the result of the 'top/bottom' situation (and I'm not comfortable with the 'blaming yourself' aspect of that) it's clear he's unable to broach important topics with you when needed - which doesn't bode well for a successful, happy relationship.
    Last edited by Vocodr; July 15th, 2014 at 09:12 AM.

  19. #19

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    The only thing worse than a cheater is a person who cheats with a cheater KNOWING they are cheating on someone else. :/

  20. #20
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    OK, stay with him if you choose.


    Look forward to hearing from you again...about his "cheating on you" in the future.

  21. #21

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    HUNTERM: I never said I WASNT leaving. I said that I've never been through this situation before and am just "talking out loud" about what I have experienced so far. But thanks for the mature response. Lol

    But like I said before I completely agree with everyone and I know what I have to do. I just wanted to share my concerns and frustrations about something with some random people who wouldn't be biased to the situation like my friends or family at the moment. It's always a learning experience when you go through things for the first time and I appreciate everyone just letting me vent and talk it through.

  22. #22
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Blakester:

    I feel for you.

    I broke up with my boyfriend of two years in January. We talked marriage, we talked kids, we talked about moving in together, we talked about planning trips and vacations. He left out the part about cheating on me with four different men over the year and a half prior to breaking up. Three months before we broke up, he hired a mutual friend to work for him. Four weeks after we break up, they were already out celebrating an anniversary.

    It hurts, it sucks. You feel like "But what if I just...." or "how about we try..."

    He's made a decision to tell you that he can't be trusted.
    He's made a decision to tell you that you care more than he does.
    He's made a decision to tell you that he has no self-control.
    He's made a decision to tell you that he isn't ready for a relationship right now.

    Take care of YOURSELF first. You will be better off.
    Don't hesitate to send a PM if you need to.

  23. #23

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Some great advice in this thread - I hope more people in this situation read it and gets courage to deal with it and stand up for themselves.

    I've been cheated on several times. The first time was the hardest, and a great learning experience (I could have done without). If I survived it, you can too.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  24. #24
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    I've been cheated on as well.
    It sucks but the fact he was doing this two days after you move in together tells you all you need to know about him.
    DUmp him and move on.

  25. #25
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by blakester10223 View Post
    So last night I found out my boyfriend, M, and an longtime friend of his (not an ex) have not only been sexting with each other (including pics and videos) but they are planning on having sex the next time that this friend is in town.

    And to make matters worse, I just moved in with my boyfriend 2 days ago

    The main part of the message that I saw said "He lives here now though so we will have to play careful!"

    I know that my boyfriend has somewhat of a more "wild" past but not to the point of cheating on his partners. I am exclusively a top on our relationship and I know that he would like me to bottom if possible but I just can't physically do it. We've tried multiple times and he has said he's ok with it.

    But I'm wondering if this could be why? Maybe he's craving and the urge of topping. Which if that would be the case, I wish he would just talk to me and ask about it. We've made jokes about getting a random guy for him to top with, but if that's really an issue, Obviously he should be honest with me.

    I just don't know what to do. Because I'm so upset because we truly do seem like we are on the same page with everything. Hence why we just moved in together.

    Should I confront him now? Or wait it out? Is it just sex?

    The friend will be here in 2 weeks so I could always try to "catch" them in the act and make it really dramatic! Lol. But I don't want to do that.

    Men are the most likely to cheat. Less likely, heterosexual couples. Least likely, lesbians. If you want monogamy, marry a lesbian.
    - Dan Savage

    You should not be in denial that men, in general, will fuck anything that moves.

    You have some options:
    1. Be open and realistic about it. You don't like to bottom but you said you are open to the possibility of having a third to bottom for your bf. Then do it. Not every guy can bottom. Sometimes, making a top bottom is just awful sex.

    2. Be in denial. Don't ask, don't tell.

    3. Or dump him. Which is kind of sad. Really? It's just sex. Are you straight all of a sudden?

    Just make sure he gets his fix and that will be the end of it. Discuss and talk about it. Relationships are about sharing, not secrets. Communicate. You might be pleasantly surprised what solutions you two can come up with.

  26. #26

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by bruce379 View Post
    3. Or dump him. Which is kind of sad. Really? It's just sex. Are you straight all of a sudden?
    I'm usually not one to criticize the advice of others, but you must realize your view does NOT fit most people.
    Cheating is a breach of trust. It's not about sex. So it's not "kind of sad". It is totally justified.

  27. #27
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    I'm usually not one to criticize the advice of others, but you must realize your view does NOT fit most people.
    Cheating is a breach of trust. It's not about sex. So it's not "kind of sad". It is totally justified.
    Same here. If my husband wants to have sex with other people, he can do so once I've signed the divorce papers.

  28. #28

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Quote Originally Posted by bruce379 View Post
    3. Or dump him. Which is kind of sad. Really? It's just sex. Are you straight all of a sudden?
    "Just sex"

  29. #29

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Your trust in him should be dead, and so should be your relationship.

    Drop him. This isn't just a heat of the moment kind of cheating. He's METICULOUSLY making plans and making the conscious effort to cheat on you. He's taking time out of his day, that could be spent with you, and is spending that time fucking someone else, or at least planning to fuck someone else (I'm sure he's cheated on you before anyway).

    Or maybe he's even making those plans WHILE he's hanging out with you. How would you if he's making plans to screw another guy while you two are having a seemingly nice lunch or dinner together? Because he may very well have done that already.

    Again, drop him. He's a loser.

  30. #30
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    You should have left him yesterday and even earlier than that. What he is doing is what I like to call "first-degree cheating" (first-degree murder analogy) in that he is PRE-MEDITATING his cheating escapades. His conscience, or what is left of it, doesn't deter him from breaching your trust in him. He obviously does NOT value your feelings nor the honesty and sincerity that goes along with a serious relationship. His "love", or what he claims to feel for you, is not true and never existed because otherwise he wouldn't be prepping for this rendezvous with his "friend", who, by the way, is an asshole (pardon the pun) of a friend.

    If you value a true and blue good guy, he is not it. Leave him.
    Once you put your hand in the flame you can never be the same.
    There's a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain.

  31. #31
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    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    There are no excuses for cheating but this type of cheating is the worst of the worst. Very planned out and thought through...I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone like this. I hope things work out for you, please let us know.

  32. #32

    Re: Caught BF texting another guy

    Blake no offence but you are giving him excuses

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