I'm 32 years old but I still get confused so I want to learn the opinion of other people. Until I was 21 years old, I thought I was heterosexual but I never had sex with anyone. When I was lying at night at 21 years of age, I imagined myself being bottom and having sex with a guy just out of curiosity. I realised that this turned me on more than any girl and from that point on, I mostly fantasized about males.
A few months later I had sex as a bottom and I didn't like it. I've had sex with around 15 guys until now, I was top only once and I liked it a lot although I came very quick. The problem is that psychologically I usually feel soft and feminine, I even like wearing female clothes. But I don't enjoy sex as a bottom much although a few times it was nice. I've always thought that the reason I don't have much sex and prefer to masturbate is because I'm not comfortable with being gay but I think it's mainly because I don't enjoy sex much. After having sex as a bottom, I realise that it's not worth all the trouble and I don't have sex for a long time. When I masturbate, imagining being bottom turns me on a lot because since I have a feminine body, I think that I should have a feminine role in sex. When I look at pictures of my body, I see a body that should be fucked instead of a body that should fuck and sometimes it's hard to masturbate while imagining myself as top since I don't feel manly, even though I just love male butt.
However whenever I look at webcam websites to see naked people showing themselves, I usually look for guys showing their butt instead of their dick because I just love male butt and the thought of fucking it. But somehow I don't feel masculine enough to be a top or even versatile. The fact that I have a small penis(13 cm or 5 inch) doesn't help and it's not easy to make it hard when I'm with someone. Also I noticed that whenever I have low self esteem and feel depressed(which is a lot of the time), I want to bottom but when I'm confident and at least not feeling bad, I want to top. Should I meet with bottoms despite my small dick and feminine body because I love male butts and the thought of fucking them, or should I stick to being a bottom because that's how I feel psychologically? I live in Turkey and here at gay dating websites, it's very easy to find lots of tops with a place of their own to have sex mainly because guys who can't find females to have sex prefer feminine looking gays like me, but it's very hard to find bottoms since they all want a manly body and a big dick on their partners and I think that may be influencing my decisions. Thanks for reading.