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  1. #1

    Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Okay, first of all I am not gay. I am straight but joined this thread because of this really really messed-up situation that I am going through now. The story is, my parents had me young, out of wedlock, both were 16 at the time. My father has brought me up by himself the whole time, I never knew my mother or indeed any of her family, as she left my father to bring me up alone. I am 24 now and until recently it was still just the two of us living together. Since I was young he has had flings, only one or two you could say were really serious. All with women of course. Six weeks ago, I walked in on my best friend and my father kissing in our lounge room. At first I thought that I was hallucinating or dreaming or going through some kind of fantasy. I had just left for a class at uni, but returned because I had forgotten a book that I needed. Obviously I confronted them, and they both said words to the effect of being relieved that I finally knew, because they had been sneaking around me for the past five months! Apparently it all started when my friend came over to return a book that I had borrowed him (we're both in the same uni classes). I wasn't there and to put it bluntly they got together and have been together ever since.

    This was/is a complete shock to me because I always knew them both as being completely straight. They both only dated women before this, and I never would have had even the slighest inkling that either of them would be into men, as they're both quite masculine and there is nothing at all girly about them. They both say that they're bisexual and madly in love with each other. Also, my friend moved out of home two weeks ago and has been living with us since. This has made me very uncomfortable, because not only is he living with us, but he's sleeping in my father's bed with him. Also not only that, but they sometimes call each other names like 'darling' and 'sweety', and hold hands while watching TV. They're even sharing clothes because a few mornings ago I saw my friend come downstairs and have breakfast wearing a pair of briefs that I know are ,y father's and not his. I have told my father that I am dead against the relationship as a whole, and especially the whole living together arrangement. He says that he loves me but that this is important to him and that he isn't going to leave my friend, no matter what. I have also spoken to my friend about it and he essentially said the same thing - that he loves me but is too happy with my father to ever leave. I have tried hating them, but it hasn't worked because they both are essentially good people. I love my father more than anyone because he's cared for me and brought me up by himself, and I can't describe the love that he has shown me over the years. But I can't help but feel that my friend has stolen my father away from me, and at the moment I am feeling very upset and a bit angry, considering seeing a psychologist about it.

    My grandfather isn't speaking to my father, such is his anger over the whole thing. He has offered me to come over and live with him (my grandmother died teo years ago so he lives on his own). At the moment I would say that there is a 75% chance that I will, because I am finding it too uncomfortable and disturbing living with my father and my friend (aka his new boyfriend). I have spoken about this to my father and he says that he would be devaststed if I did leave, and to give the arrangement more of a chance. I know that he is also hurt that his father won't speak to him, despite his many attempts. I just don't know what to do. Apologies for the length of this post, I just don't know what to do about it. Could anyone here please offer some advice? As this is a site for gay and bisexual men I was hoping that maybe someone who's gone through something similar could offer s few tips?.

    Also I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond. Thank you

  2. #2
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    I'm gonna say if you came to a straight site, people would be just as confused because that situation is messed up whether they're gay or bi or straight.

    The short version: they screwed up but you're the one who can fix it.

    The long version:

    On one hand, they're adults, you're an adult and everybody wants adults to be able to live their lives. And I remember a middle-aged guy in my mom's family whose wife died way too young. They had kids in their early 20s when she died. After a while, he remarried one of his daughter's friends and there was a big age gap, but they were perfect for each other. I met them when I was older and they were a fun couple. By then he was retired for a long time and she was almost retired.

    But I have to think it was awkward for the daughter. The daughter had her good friend suddenly become her step mom, whether she liked it or not. It's the same situation here: your best friend is basically turning into your live-in step dad. Your friend can't expect things will be the same between you as friends if he wants to date your parent, and he's kind of turning his back on that so he can date your dad.

    As much as a man needs a father to care for him and bring him up, it helps for a man to have a best friend too. Honestly, he's kidding himself if he thinks he can be your best friend and your stepdad at the same time. If you and your mate have been there for each other, he's walking away from that and it's going to feel like a betrayal. And yet, you can't stand in the way of the happiness of two adults who are otherwise decent people. If you found the perfect woman, it wouldn't be right for your best friend to stand between you if she was actually a decent person who treated you right.

    So if they're right for each other, that's one thing. But moving in together and expecting you to be okay with it is just wrong. If they had even one brain between the two of them, they'd realize what they're asking you to give up so they can be happy. If they had any tact, they'd keep it to themselves instead of making you uncomfortable in your own home. Yeah when someone's in a new relationship it's fun to be all affectionate with each other but we don't always get to do everything we want to do in life.

    I think you should tell your father you're going to move in with your grandfather. Tell your dad you're doing it as a favour for him and your friend to give them a shot at happiness without you having to be weirded out by it. Tell him it's not about rejecting him, or rejecting them, it's about getting some space to clear the air, they don't need you around 24/7 if they're starting a life together, and you certainly don't need to see it, but you're still glad to come over for dinner every week or two. Don't let your father or your friend pretend things can go back to the way they were before as though none of this ever happened. It's fine to say that one day you're expecting to be on better terms with them both, but it's not going to happen if you're all in the same house together. Don't put up with any drama from your dad about being "devastated." You're 24 and you can find living arrangements that suit you just as much as he's entitled to do the same, and he needs to deal with that. Go live with your grandfather. Ignore his hate for your dad since you already know yourself that doesn't work. Follow through with your occasional visits to see them. And see what happens in a few months.
    Last edited by bankside; July 11th, 2014 at 06:41 AM.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Okay. Let's pretend the story is real. You obviously put a fair amount of attention into the composition and exposition.

    Simple answer. Move out.

  4. #4
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    Don't let your father or your friend pretend things can go back to the way they were before as though none of this ever happened. It's fine to say that one day you're expecting to be on better terms with them both, but it's not going to happen if you're all in the same house together. Don't put up with any drama from your dad about being "devastated." You're 24 and you can find living arrangements that suit you just as much as he's entitled to do the same, and he needs to deal with that. Go live with your grandfather. Ignore his hate for your dad since you already know yourself that doesn't work. Follow through with your occasional visits to see them. And see what happens in a few months.
    ^ Sound advice!
    Last edited by HunterM; July 11th, 2014 at 07:01 AM.

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    JUB Addict JohnnyAnger's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    You can't really stand in the way of them doing what they want - they are both adults. Disliking the relationship in the long term will get you nowhere if you still want to have a relationship with them both. Move out and try and come to terms with it separately to them - both you and the new couple will appreciate the space!

    I know its hard, but at 24 you really need to start doing your own thing anyway and maybe this will give you the chance to set yourself up on your own or with other friends.

  6. #6
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Quite a story, wow.

    I'm with Bankside. But I'd probably be a lot less gracious about it all than he is suggesting.

    Good luck.

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  7. #7
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    I wasn't going to respond to this thread at first because of the possibility that it might be bogus, but I changed my mind because I know from experience that this happens in real life.

    When I was in grad school, I had a friend who was an undergrad. His father confided in him that he was bisexual and had been cheating on his mother with guys his son's age. My friend knew I was gay and knew my bf. My sexuality was a non-issue between us. When his father told him, he came to me hoping I could help him understand and because we were good friends, he just needed to share it with someone. I had not met his father at that point, so I had no insight into him. I listened while he talked and asked questions about sexuality. I was the only gay person he knew personally. Shortly after his sharing, he seemed angry with me and stopped taking my calls or calling me. I thought I had done something wrong. When we finally reconnected, he said the whole thing was killing him. He felt his father had laid a burden on him that he could not bear. The confession had changed the image he had always had of his father. He resented me for being gay (he admitted to knowing that was irrational) and he went through every other emotions you can name: hatred, embarrassment, insecurity, doubt, fear and wondering if anyone could be trusted. If his father could do this to him, what would others do? Being the amazing guy he is, he knew that if he was to be healthy, it would have to come from him. His father couldn't do it for him. He felt his siblings and mother should know, but he wasn't going to be the one to tell them. It turns out his mother had long been suspicious and the shit hit the fan. The marriage broke up and the other children, who were younger than my friend, were devastated. The father became alienated from his family and was crushed. He never wanted anyone to be hurt and he felt his oldest son might understand because he had a gay friend (me) that he had talked about a lot. While resenting his Dad for putting this burden on him, he came to realize that his father had been carrying a heavy weight for a long time, too. This actually helped him, but he resented the fact his father was attracted to guys his age. He said it made him feel dirty, like his Dad was a pervert. His father is dead now and was never able to form a lasting relationship with a guy. His son blames that on the fact his father only liked younger guys, who were not ready for a settled life. He's not even sure his father even wanted a long term relationship.
    I eventually met his father on a number of occasions and really liked him. He was kind and easy going just like his son. They were alot alike in many ways.
    I wish I could say everyone in the family lived happily ever after, but that is not what happened. My friend found lots of healing and is very grateful that he was able to work out issues with his father before he died.

    I'm tempted to delete this because it sounds dark and negative, but real life is sometimes that way. I know there are men (even at JUB) who have married women, then left them for a guy in order to be true to themselves and in the process they're children and exes have come to accept it, but this is not always the case.

    So. to the OP I would say that now you know the truth and at some point you will need to forgive your father or it will likely destroy you. You love your Dad and he loves you, even if he selfishly thrust this upon you. He could have handled this so much better, but ultimately you are where you are at this moment in time. Perhaps moving to your grandfathers is the best thing as long as your grandfather is not toxic concerning your Dad. You need to talk one-on-one with your Dad, without his bf in an effort to work through your hurt. Good luck, you can do it.
    Last edited by sixthson; July 11th, 2014 at 08:17 AM.
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  8. #8
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    I would separate the issues in order to make sense of them so the fact that he is with a man versus a woman....set that aside for a moment to address what I think is the bigger issue at hand...

    There are a billion people to choose from and he picked YOUR FRIEND????????????...and someone your age??????? I'm sorry but that is completely unacceptable. It crosses so many boundaries and violates the trust you have in him as a person and a father IMO.

    I would put aside the sexual orientation and ask him to address that. The reason....you can develop some trust /boundary issues in the future if you don't come to terms with it now.
    Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it

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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Thinking about those fakey "friend of my son" videos on xtube now.

    I'd move out.

  10. #10

    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  11. #11

    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Even if the story is true, why would you mind?
    Your dad is happy, your friend is happy, everyone wins, without you being forced into some kind of loss.

    What is your issue? In your situation I would burst happyness.

  12. #12
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    This is a great opportunity for you to leave the nest...for you to be comfortable in your own skin and space...and for your father to be comfortable in his new chapter in life. But do visit him and keep in touch though. He spent the last 2 1/2 decades to care and provide for you...to be an independent young man. You need to leave the nest to carve out your own life...to find your own happiness. Allow your dad space to define his next act in life and find his own happiness.

  13. #13
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    A quick question got tyoz12--
    tyoz, when you initially walked in on your dad & best friend kissing, were they clothed or naked

    Do you find your best friend sexually attractive?

    Are you jealous of your father and best friend's intimacy?

    Is your objection based on moral grounds or are they based on your father's and best friend's betrayal of your non-sexually motivated relationship?

    Enough for now because I find using smart phones for social networking to be burdensome and service on this mountain for some reason is not strong enough for my IPad.

    ys
    Last edited by Yuki Sohma; July 11th, 2014 at 12:30 PM.

  14. #14

    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    I know what ElroyAuto's answer would be.

  15. #15
    Porn Star ALBiMale1975's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Grow-up and/or move out of your Dad's House.... is really all I can think of towards this.

    Maybe, if you move in with Grandpa, you can both face your own fears and grow-up together.
    Last edited by ALBiMale1975; July 12th, 2014 at 02:13 AM.

  16. #16
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    A couple of things.

    To the OP, how did you get to JUB? As a straight male, this wouldn't be on your radar.

    I'm at variance with some my esteemed friends here: I think you are authentic. Call me gullible.

    I've seen other such inconsiderate affairs. Whereas every man must find his way, there is more to life than self-fulfillment. Once we have children, we take on a role to lead and guide. Scooping up one's son's best friend as a paramour is an avoidable act. In short, I'd sometimes like to piss in a hedge, but I can wait. Even if we buy the premise that your father and your friend are truly in love, deferring it until you were out of the nest would have been the very least that they could have done. My vote would have been to simply look elsewhere.

    Your post indicates you are wise in not hating, but also wise in not kidding yourself that you can simply accept it and live there as if it were not a thing. Move to your grandfather's, keep in touch, see if it burns out, and see if your feelings change. Give yourself and them some space, without rancor.

    BTW, my younger brother pulled this sort of affair, leaving his wife and mother of his four children for her sister-in-law. They proceeded to have a baby together. I don't have any use for him, and have severed ties, sans shootout. We weren't close before, so that really isn't comparable directly to your situation, only obliquely.

  17. #17
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    ...Call me gullible.
    Gullible. Party of one. Your table is ready.
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  18. #18
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Oh look, my party has arrived...
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  19. #19
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    you love your dad, your dad loves you
    you love your friend, your friend loves you
    you dad loves your friend and your friend loves your dad.

    You should feel lucky to be in a home full of love !!! Grow up and get over it !!!

  20. #20
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Hoax.

    OP posted July 11 and hasn't been back.

  21. #21
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    Re: Please help! My father is with my best friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    Hoax.

    OP posted July 11 and hasn't been back.
    At least not under this account.
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