Things I know:
A) I'm attracted to males. I have a developed individual taste in males. I know what males I find attractive and not.
B) I do desire to have a mutual emotional connection (ie. relationship) with another male (I never before have) should the time come.
C) I have no attraction to females.
OK well starting at the very beginning (this isn't a very long story, promise ) my first sexual partner was a few years back. He was a good-looking guy, and I knew him since I was very young so I felt safe with him etc. I had sex with him once a week for a stretch of time, each Sunday. I guess I wondered why I never enjoyed the sex despite always going back. He wasn't very good at sex (his BJ's for me pretty much had no feeling, and I never got any prostate experience bottoming for him, so it was pretty 'meh' all-round), but there was maybe something else missing.
He wasn't really fat but still didn't have a great body. I thought maybe my standards were too high, but looking back now I don't think so. I got hard with him pretty easily. Very easily. Anatomically my body does all the right things to make the partner believe I'm super-horny. It was only on the inside that I was feeling...well, basically almost nothing.
My last time having sex with this guy was late-2012. Most guys would be going nuts, but I've been totally fine. During that time between then and now, I've been depressed for some reasons - no friends, study and body-image issues in recent times, but never have I been depressed specifically that I've not been having sex. I'm a regular masturbator (will elaborate on that more below) and that apparently has been enough to fulfill those needs. In recent times I kinda fell in love a bit for the first time, it was with a workmate. Not sure what to make of it now. He's really tall, gorgeously tall. It set in motion feelings of inadequacy about my own modest height in addition for major feelings for him, which have now passed. Now, I'm kinda crushing on a different workmate. He's about my height. The attraction's different, I want to more cuddle and be with him. Come to think of it never once have I imagined any penal action with him I don't think, but I nonetheless am attracted to him.
Fast-forward to tonight, something unexpected happens. Mum comes home drunk with a small entourage of people I don't know. One of them is a tall, cute, dirty blonde guy. Long story short, we get talking, it comes out he swings both ways when drunk. OK...so I actively pursue the issue further, we end up outside alone. I put my hand in his pants and feel his hard dick. It was nice, it felt thick . He was going to fuck me but ended up passing out drunk . EVEN THOUGH I chose to pursue him because I wanted to (looking back now it was a good feeling that usually I'm so shy, but this instance I was smooth enough and pretty confident), throughout the whole thing I wasn't really horny I'd say. I do know what horny feels like . Anatomically I was erect , but inside, emotionally, it wasn't really matching. So kinda like when I was having sex, even in a 'normal' kind of setting with that guy from a few years back. Most gays, I'd imagine (though hate to generalize. I know this wouldn't be a huge fantasy for all) would've been bursting with excitement and hornyness at the thought of seducing a hot 'straight' guy into bed. So, the events of tonight, as rather cool and unexpected as they were kinda didn't go according to the script if you will, and left me with some questions and maybe some realizations that I've been keeping buried. I've known since sex with that first guy that something was up. Tonight confirmed it and I don't think it's coincidental.
Now, I'm a regular masturbator. There has been the odd time when I've been super-horny because of the porn I've been watching, like that really dick-throbbing kinda horny, but it's been rare. Most times, I masturbate because it feels good and it's routine, almost second-nature, not because I'm horny. Other times I've been especially horny, let's see. There were a couple of times last year when I thought about my ex-fuckbuddy during some classes, and got horny a couple of times. But our actual sex was pretty rubbish as already explained, so I can't explain that. Also PM chatted to this guy on Reddit (he's soooo hot, he sent pics http://i.imgur.com/N6XJwu7.png) that claimed to have a 10", was really charming and if he wanted could get multiple lays in one night. For some reason I really got off on his stories. I think I jerked off like 5 or 6 times that afternoon/night. Not sure if it's trivial or not, just trying to get all my cards on the table here. I did look at that guy (and other guys like him) as kinda 'better' than myself as dumb as that sounds. Maybe I have some sort of not-fully explored fetish for sexy braggarts. IDK.
SO, I'm kinda torn in between two possible scenario's here.
1) I could be a homoromantic asexual. It would explain why I want to be with a guy, find them attractive, yet aren't generally massively arousable. But that doesn't explain why I am able to sometimes be horny watching gay couples in porn however rare that may be, and also why I was so turned on thinking about my ex-fuckbuddy those couple of times (which have since long passed) or talking to that hot guy on Reddit. I could just have some issues that need addressing that could also be related in some way to my general social difficulties. It also wouldn't explain why at the end of the day I wanted to pursue this guy at my house. If I were asexual would I have even been interested?? Not sure.
2) I could just be quite far on the romantic rather than sexual side that I'd enjoy sex more if I had a proper emotional attachment to a partner, someone I totally trusted, but I nevertheless would enjoy sex with my partner - being close to him.
Either way, I know I want to be with guys and like them/am attracted to them. That's not in question for me at all. It's just, I think I knew deep down something was up when I was never excited for sex with my ex-fuckbuddy despite the fact I'd never had sex before him and he was a good-looking guy who I trusted (I even let him bareback me once - only once though and never again with someone else! ). Tonight has kinda confirmed it. I was attracted to this guy, I wanted to pursue it, but when it actually did go a bit further, it wasn't quite what I thought it would be .