Hello all this is extremely long winded and If you don’t want to read the entire thing that’s fine I wanted to vent so I put it all out here so pick what you would like to comment on.
I think I am gay—There it is written down in black and white on the typed page. The first time I ever really actually committed to writing the statement. What does that mean—because it is written down now I am a different person? I know that is certainly not the case, but it really feels that way for me. I really do not even feel gay per se but rather “not straight”. I do not feel that I fit the “gay” mold. Certainly I am going to open myself up to criticism here but other than a physical attraction to men I really do not identify as gay, at least in the way that I understand gay to be. I know stereotypes do not really paint a truly real picture, but I feel like a person adrift in my life. I know the statement has been made before but it is the best way to capture how I feel about my sexuality namely “I am straight except that I would like to have sex with guys.” I have never had a gay friend, and only know a handful of which one is a cousin but that is it ( and he is very gay where you can tell instantly). All of my hobbies and interests align with those of my friends and other people who I am acquainted with all of whom are most definitely not gay.
Every friend I have for the most part would recoil at the thought of having a gay friend, and yes I know that arguably they are not “real friends” if they cannot accept me for who I am but they are all I have and just running out and making new friends has never been easy for me—I have known most of these people my entire life.
The same goes for political affiliation—I do not fit the mould (or rather perhaps I should say I refuse to be pushed into one) On domestic issues I am liberal, but on fiscal and international policy I am rather conservative.
I could have said I think I am bi, but that would imply that I have some kind of attraction to women, which I really do not have other than a fleeting recognition of female attractiveness. However, when I see everyone I know with a girlfriend or getting married at this point it is hard for me, as even though I am not attracted to women I am not emotionally attracted to men—I just want to have sex at least to see what its all about for myself.
I am at a breaking point in my life and this is why I am posting here, after never posting before. I found myself driving around today crying suddenly and with great gusto which is very out of character for me and is one of the things that prompted this post. Sometimes I really feel the urge to tell at least my mother how I feel but here is the issue—I have never had a relationship with anyone before in my life. Physically I am fit and there isn’t anything wrong there but just that I have not been attracted to girls and I have been afraid to even experiment with guys. I would be really hard for me to come out of the closet if I KNEW that I was gay but I would do it so that I can move on with my live and stop obsessing over what people think or what to say or how to act ect. How can I really know though without ever experiencing anything. For me it would me much worse to have waited all this time in turmoil and sick over how to deal with this only to discover in short order that I am not even really gay and now for the rest of my life I know I would be looked at differently by my family—It is a real catch 22. I have long looked on Craigslist with the idea that maybe I could meet someone local in a public place get to know them a bit and do the deed so to speak, just so that I can truly know if this is what I want. The problem is that craigslist is about the sketchiest place out there but at least it is anonymous.
It would really help if I had something to really ground something stable so that I can find a firmer footing for myself. But this has been very hard to come by. Graduating from university in 2008 at the height of the financial crisis left me laid off and unemployed from my first “real job” after only six months. Not to be one to wallow in self pity I turned around and immediately found work—a job elsewhere to pay the bills and student loans, but I have always been underemployed and overqualified for all of the jobs I have had over the last 5 years, none of which were the kind of job that you can make a career out of. I am working now while interviewing, as a matter of fact I am up to interview 6 with the same firm with no yes or no answer as I am continually expected to take off to come in, but such is today’s job market.
I am 27 and live at home with my parents and two younger brothers—my parents are both conservative and religious (not evolution is the devil bible thumping conservative but conservative none-the less) and I regularly attend services myself but as you can imagine it has become very difficult for me. The saddest part for me is that my two brothers are very homophobic, my youngest is horrified of anything even remotely gay.
I just do not know what to do now—I could go to a therapist perhaps but talking this out and thinking about it more after 18 some years internally is not going to change anything for me without some sort of action BY ME, but I do not know what to do first.
Let me know what you all think