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  1. #1

    At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Hello all this is extremely long winded and If you don’t want to read the entire thing that’s fine I wanted to vent so I put it all out here so pick what you would like to comment on.

    I think I am gay—There it is written down in black and white on the typed page. The first time I ever really actually committed to writing the statement. What does that mean—because it is written down now I am a different person? I know that is certainly not the case, but it really feels that way for me. I really do not even feel gay per se but rather “not straight”. I do not feel that I fit the “gay” mold. Certainly I am going to open myself up to criticism here but other than a physical attraction to men I really do not identify as gay, at least in the way that I understand gay to be. I know stereotypes do not really paint a truly real picture, but I feel like a person adrift in my life. I know the statement has been made before but it is the best way to capture how I feel about my sexuality namely “I am straight except that I would like to have sex with guys.” I have never had a gay friend, and only know a handful of which one is a cousin but that is it ( and he is very gay where you can tell instantly). All of my hobbies and interests align with those of my friends and other people who I am acquainted with all of whom are most definitely not gay.

    Every friend I have for the most part would recoil at the thought of having a gay friend, and yes I know that arguably they are not “real friends” if they cannot accept me for who I am but they are all I have and just running out and making new friends has never been easy for me—I have known most of these people my entire life.
    The same goes for political affiliation—I do not fit the mould (or rather perhaps I should say I refuse to be pushed into one) On domestic issues I am liberal, but on fiscal and international policy I am rather conservative.
    I could have said I think I am bi, but that would imply that I have some kind of attraction to women, which I really do not have other than a fleeting recognition of female attractiveness. However, when I see everyone I know with a girlfriend or getting married at this point it is hard for me, as even though I am not attracted to women I am not emotionally attracted to men—I just want to have sex at least to see what its all about for myself.
    I am at a breaking point in my life and this is why I am posting here, after never posting before. I found myself driving around today crying suddenly and with great gusto which is very out of character for me and is one of the things that prompted this post. Sometimes I really feel the urge to tell at least my mother how I feel but here is the issue—I have never had a relationship with anyone before in my life. Physically I am fit and there isn’t anything wrong there but just that I have not been attracted to girls and I have been afraid to even experiment with guys. I would be really hard for me to come out of the closet if I KNEW that I was gay but I would do it so that I can move on with my live and stop obsessing over what people think or what to say or how to act ect. How can I really know though without ever experiencing anything. For me it would me much worse to have waited all this time in turmoil and sick over how to deal with this only to discover in short order that I am not even really gay and now for the rest of my life I know I would be looked at differently by my family—It is a real catch 22. I have long looked on Craigslist with the idea that maybe I could meet someone local in a public place get to know them a bit and do the deed so to speak, just so that I can truly know if this is what I want. The problem is that craigslist is about the sketchiest place out there but at least it is anonymous.
    It would really help if I had something to really ground something stable so that I can find a firmer footing for myself. But this has been very hard to come by. Graduating from university in 2008 at the height of the financial crisis left me laid off and unemployed from my first “real job” after only six months. Not to be one to wallow in self pity I turned around and immediately found work—a job elsewhere to pay the bills and student loans, but I have always been underemployed and overqualified for all of the jobs I have had over the last 5 years, none of which were the kind of job that you can make a career out of. I am working now while interviewing, as a matter of fact I am up to interview 6 with the same firm with no yes or no answer as I am continually expected to take off to come in, but such is today’s job market.
    I am 27 and live at home with my parents and two younger brothers—my parents are both conservative and religious (not evolution is the devil bible thumping conservative but conservative none-the less) and I regularly attend services myself but as you can imagine it has become very difficult for me. The saddest part for me is that my two brothers are very homophobic, my youngest is horrified of anything even remotely gay.
    I just do not know what to do now—I could go to a therapist perhaps but talking this out and thinking about it more after 18 some years internally is not going to change anything for me without some sort of action BY ME, but I do not know what to do first.

    Let me know what you all think
    Thanks
    Last edited by lipbalm; July 6th, 2014 at 05:44 PM.

  2. #2
    Stole My Heart CupidBoy's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    All I can say is you have to live your life for you. We get one go around in this world and then we die. Don't repress yourself to please others, fuck everyone else.

    As for coming out, well it's not exactly something you have to do right now, baby steps.
    ♡ Nothing matters.

  3. #3
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    I turn 68 tomorrow and today I'm celebrating my 31st anniversary with my husband. Our granddaughter was born a month ago. I had been married to my ex-wife and we have two children. Why am I writing this? To let you know that in 1969 that's what I thought I needed to do and to also let you know that there is a gay stereotype but there is no one way to be gay. In fact, there are no one thousand ways to be gay. Same sex attraction is normal for a minority of the population and I've come to appreciate mine as a gift that frees me from the confining heterosexual stereotype.

    Be open with yourself and get to know LBGTQ people. Don't expect your thoughts and feelings to remain stagnant. Expect growth in all areas of your life. Believe me it goes fast.

    You are going to have to decide how miserable you wish to be and if misery trumps fear or if fear trumps misery.

    PM me anytime and remember to put yourself first.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  4. #4
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Quote Originally Posted by CupidBoy View Post
    As for coming out, well it's not exactly something you have to do right now, baby steps.
    Coming out to yourself is the first baby step in the right direction. The rest of the world can wait for now.

    Your next baby step:
    I would encourage you to participate in JUB by posting/commenting more in other sections of this site...such as Hot Topics. Since you don't know anyone gay in your circle of friends, at least get to know the online community here. There's anonymity here that allows everyone to be more expressive in our thoughts than in "real life" so to speak. And let us get to know you...by your posts. Life does not have to be serious all the time. Many of the topics in Hot Topics are not serious...some of them are very funny...especially banters between members. The more you participate with us, the more you will realize we all are everyday people.

    I grew up with religious and conservative values. I have learned to balance them all. I don't have to fit into a "mold" for other people...for their expectations. I don't live my life seeking for permissions or approvals from my family or friends. You don't have to either. Find your own truth and happiness.

    Feel free to PM me with questions.
    Last edited by HunterM; July 7th, 2014 at 04:57 AM.

  5. #5
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Quote Originally Posted by lipbalm View Post
    ...I think I am gay—There it is written down in black and white on the typed page. The first time I ever really actually committed to writing the statement. What does that mean—because it is written down now I am a different person? I know that is certainly not the case, but it really feels that way for me....
    "Black and white" is an term to use for something that has a whole lot of gray. While there are things in common with the coming out process, it's seldom the same for any two people.

    Admitting it is just the beginning of the journey. A therapist might help you with the process of figuring out how to undertake that journey and how to deal with the inevitable bumps in the road.
    JUB's full list of smilies can be found here.

  6. #6

    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Thanks for the replies everyone--I read them sometime ago but I did not respond sooner as I was trying to figure out what to do.

    I went for a long walk over the weekend and made the decision that in the near future something needed to give and I needed to get this off my chest.

    Today ended up being that day. I was alone at home with my mother and she could tell something was bothering me, but I was rather nervous about how to broach the subject. Eventually after a lot of hemming a hawing the conversation started.

    The opener for this was made a little easier as my brother apparently had "found" some gay websites open on my computer some time ago, (I do not know when as I did not want to ask him). This was revealed to mom about a year ago after my brother and I had a terrible fight over something unrelated. After the blowout this came out in the wash as my brother felt that my uncertainty about my sexuality could be why I have been on edge all the time. (which he was dead on about) at the time though, I denied the whole thing. Despite my denial I guess even the suggestion even a year later made the news less shocking to her.

    I told her that I thought at the very least I was possibly if not definitely gay. Rather than be too upset she just did not really believe me and we had a very long conversation similar to my first post here. She was not happy about the idea (And to be perfectly honest here I am not either) No offense to anyone here but I would much rather just be straight and move on with my life--but I cannot help my sexual feelings (though I must say I do not have any romantic ones). To end it she gave me a big hug and basically said that she would accept me however I am, which was nice to hear but surprisingly after this long bottled up conversation that I had gone over in my head for years I did not and do not feel relieved or "that a weight has been lifted etc" Rather I feel worse as ultimately I still do not know what I am and now someone else knows it.

    Maybe by actually telling someone I am owning this now, and when it is concrete like that I really have my doubts as to if I really am gay or just sexually curious/frustrated.

    Either way I feel worse on the whole now than before.
    Last edited by lipbalm; July 15th, 2014 at 05:09 PM.

  7. #7

    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    It'll get better. Give it time.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  8. #8
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    I know I'm hardly one to give any advice but I think you should just go out there and find out what you like while making new friends along the way. I inadvertently came out to my family over the spring break and needless to say it did not go well at all and we still don't talk about it...well my parents anyway so having your mother accept that part of you is a huge step. All that's left is to accept the other part of you. While you currently may not have any interest in having emotional relationships with men, you'll eventually finding yourself more open to that idea as you accept yourself and start to forgo your notions on emotional relationships...at least that's what happened with me. It's not easy and it's definitely not a fun process. You'll most likely break down and cry on numerous occasions due to the frustration of not being comfortable with yourself and you'll most likely push friends away because you feel you can't be yourself with them and be completely honest. You've come out to at least one person so you, have some sort of support so now go out and get comfortable.

    You can PM me if you have any questions or just want to hear my story.

  9. #9
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Quote Originally Posted by lipbalm View Post
    I told her that I thought at the very least I was possibly if not definitely gay...To end it she gave me a big hug and basically said that she would accept me however I am, which was nice to hear but surprisingly after this long bottled up conversation that I had gone over in my head for years I did not and do not feel relieved or "that a weight has been lifted etc" Rather I feel worse as ultimately I still do not know what I am and now someone else knows it.
    So...your mom hugged you and accepted you. But you feel worse than before coming out.

    What are your fears of being gay? You have to identify your fears. Then put a plan together to address them in order to move past them. Otherwise, those fears of being gay will become obstacles affecting everything else you do in life. It's going to affect your confidence...at your employment...making new friends...afraid of your boss, your co-workers or your friends knowing you might be gay.

    It takes time for you to digest new discoveries about yourself. That's OK. You move at your own pace. List out your fears so you can address them. Don't let fears rule your life.

    Good luck man!

  10. #10
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: At a breaking point Trying to work some things out

    Congratulations.

    I think it is healthy for people to come out to their family as gay if that's how they feel. I think it is also important for people to come out to their family as independent adults.

    At the age of 27, you have every authority to define your own life. Your brothers or your parents should be the least of your worries right now, because this is the prime time for you to build your own future. Living in the shadow of your parents' expectations, your brothers' expectations, your friends' expectations, is really another closet you need to come out of. Not because you're gay, not because you even know who you are now or what you want your life to be like in 10 years, but just because you're an adult. That's enough of a reason.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

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