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  1. #1

    How soon to have sex with someone?

    I recently met this really cute/nice guy and we've been on a few dates. Earlier this week, he came over to my place and he slept over. We didn't have sex but we made out and cuddled a lot, which was amazing.

    I'm personally not ready to have sex with him yet even though I find him really hot and we have a great connection because I want to know him better before we go any further. In text conversations we've had, he's hinted that he wants to do more.

    How should I approach the subject that I'm not ready to have sex yet without offending him? Am I a prude for wanting to wait?

  2. #2
    Sex God blublud's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Are you ready to at least have mutual masturbation or maybe even trade bj's?

  3. #3

    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by blublud View Post
    Are you ready to at least have mutual masturbation or maybe even trade bj's?
    Well I would consider that to be sex so I'm not sure yet lol. I'm just nervous because he really is the nicest, best looking guy I've ever dated and I'm worried if I sleep with him too fast, he might lose interest. He's also told me that he's never done more than getting sucked by a guy so I'm nervous about being his first if we do anything more. That's a lot of pressure.

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    JUB Addict jensu846's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    Well I would consider that to be sex so I'm not sure yet lol. I'm just nervous because he really is the nicest, best looking guy I've ever dated and I'm worried if I sleep with him too fast, he might lose interest. He's also told me that he's never done more than getting sucked by a guy so I'm nervous about being his first if we do anything more. That's a lot of pressure.
    And just the opposite too. if you wait too long he might lose interest.

  5. #5
    JUB Addict BiMike's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    If you are already sleeping with him it seems to me that if he wants it you should be prepared to go a bit further. Otherwise I do not think you should be sleeping together, if he is highly sexed he could find that rather frustrating, I know I would

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    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    If you are not ready now, when will you be ready to have sex with him? Do you have a plan? What criteria do you use to get ready to have sex with him? A month from now? 2 years from now? He must buy you a Porsche first? He must meet your parents first?

    It's OK if you're not ready. You go at your own pace. However, you need to let him know what milestones in the relationship you two must achieve for you to be ready. Being indecisive and leaving him hanging indefinitely...will lead him to look elsewhere and out of your life.

    It's like playing a game and keeping scores so we would know what progress we are making in order to get to the next level. If you don't know what progress you're making toward the next level, most people would stop playing.

    So...you have to know yourself first. What would it take for any guy to have sex with you?
    Last edited by HunterM; July 5th, 2014 at 12:40 PM.

  7. #7
    Soaking It Up. BENDERBOY's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by jensu846 View Post
    And just the opposite too. if you wait too long he might lose interest.
    Yeah, or he could get run over tomorrow and there's your chance gone.
    "You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person"
    - anonymous quote.

  8. #8

    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by HunterM View Post
    If you are not ready now, when will you be ready to have sex with him? Do you have a plan? What criteria do you use to get ready to have sex with him? A month from now? 2 years from now? He must buy you a Porsche first? He must meet your parents first?

    It's OK if you're not ready. You go at your own pace. However, you need to let him know what milestones in the relationship you two must achieve for you to be ready. Being indecisive and leaving him hanging indefinitely...will lead him to look elsewhere and out of your life.

    It's like playing a game and keeping scores so we would know what progress we are making in order to get to the next level. If you don't know what progress you're making toward the next level, most people would stop playing.

    So...you have to know yourself first. What would it take for any guy to have sex with you?
    That's a good question. I don't have any set rules per say. I guess I just don't want this to be a quick hook-up, which it wouldn't be since we've seen each a few times already and spent a night together. I don't think he will disappear and move on to another guy as soon as we have sex but I guess it's a possibility. I'm more nervous about being his first since he has not much experience with guys.

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    JUB Addict The Fly's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Too soon, too long................it's all a matter of comfort. For me, I know the times right when all the knots are secure and he can't get the gag loose.....

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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    So then make that clear, don't beat around the bush, and don't make him feel he might be lead on to it.

    You may or may not be even giving signals, just saying make it clear that right now you are not ready for full on sex and that you'd like to get know each more before it goes that way.

    communicate your wishes clearly.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

  11. #11
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    If he is the type of person who will leave you after having sex with you for the first time, he is going to leave you after having sex with you for the first time even if he had waited for 3 years.

    From the info you have provided, my suggestion is to get to know him first for a month...then have sex. You have to let him know that too. Hopefully, within that month (which is reasonable for him to wait), you two will get to know each other at a deeper level and will be much more comfortable around each other. Keep making out, keep cuddling, keep flirting with him though.
    Last edited by HunterM; July 5th, 2014 at 01:55 PM.

  12. #12
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    "I might lose him if we have sex too early/not early enough" is a dead end. Don't try to guess what he wants; have or don't have sex, according to what you want.

  13. #13
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    How should I approach the subject that I'm not ready to have sex yet without offending him? Am I a prude for wanting to wait?
    It's not to far-fetched for two guys who have gone out on a few dates to have a talk about what they both want from a relationship... and specifically from their relationship.

    The fact that this guy has gone out with you is an indicator that he's interested. The fact that the two of you spent the night together without having sex is an indication that he's interested in more than just a one-night stand.

    If you start out with the belief that whether you have sex with him or not is going to determine whether the relationship is going to work or not, then you're giving sex a more importance that it deserves. Communication and trust are far more important than sex.

    If you want to set the tone for the future, then be honest about how you feel and why you feel that way. But, at the same time, you should listen to how he feels and what he wants and give it equal weight. Whether you have sex and when you have sex is something that the two of you need to decide together.
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  14. #14

    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    I'm not sure how old you are, but it sounds to me like you are being held back by the Puritan bullshit we've been fed our whole lives.
    Sex for the first time with someone is important, but don't treat it like walking on eggshells. It's a pleasureful experience that you should explore with your partner. There's no set amount of time to date before having sex. Just do it when you and he feel comfortable about it.

  15. #15
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Well I guess after a couple date it's okay to have sex with someone if you both feel ready.. Like most people said, dont wait too much or he'll lose interest. He gave you some hint saying he was ready for more... I don't think that after more than 3-4 date it's too early to have sex with someone. I had nice relashionship with guys even if we had sex after the 2nd date or so... Just need to do it whenever you both feel ready... There's not a golden rule...

  16. #16
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    I wouldn't wait, but I'm not you. Don't do anything you don't want to do, but do evaluate what has caused you to hold back with someone you've spent quality time with and find attractive. Whatever you decide do have a talk with him and let him know how you feel and why you feel that way. If you're holding back because you think you're supposed to then it's probably Puritianism as lonnie1 mentioned, thus coming from an external rather than internal source. Sort this out honestly and you'll know if it's deeply held belief or just fear. Best wishes.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  17. #17
    On the Prowl mcbrion's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    I agree with Hunter and hulas - and to much with many other posters.
    If you're dating with your heart, you make love when it feels "special" to you. The idea that a guy will leave if you don't give him sex? That's pretty immature. If someone is actually dating you, isn't it reasonable to assume he's wanting to get close to you? And if a guy is coming at you with his heart, and you're transparent - and COMMUNICATIVE about where you are emotionally - he's NOT going to 'go away' because you're holding off on sex. Jeez, is this what people think nowadays? "Give it to me soon, or I'm out of here." Pretty callous, and, again, pretty immature. Sounds like the high school football captain demanding sex of the girl he's going with or, "there are hundreds of girls who'd love to give me what you won't." If that's someone's lead in, he's emotionally stunted to begin with, and probably not the kind of guy the OP should be dating. The OP sounds like he's got his heart in the right place: front and center. And he wants someone to like HIM: his personality, his heart, before they go to bed.
    It may be the 'way of the world' to give in, but that doesn't work at all. And being older, I've seen that played out time and time again.

  18. #18
    On the Prowl mcbrion's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Just read KaraBulut's post. Much better answer than mine, and more what I would have written had I thought this over another 10 minutes. See what rushing into something gets you? Errors.

  19. #19
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    From another perspective...

    If I know it is my date's first time sex, I'd feel honored. I would lead and guide him to ecstasy It's better to give than to receive

  20. #20
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbrion View Post
    Just read KaraBulut's post. Much better answer than mine, and more what I would have written had I thought this over another 10 minutes. See what rushing into something gets you? Errors.
    Thanks for the positive comments.

    Something that we periodically mention is that there is no right/wrong in the responses that people post in these forums. Ultimately, only the OP knows the situation. Different people have different perspectives and the more perspectives that are offered, the more options that the OP is given.
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  21. #21

    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Thanks everyone. We met up again last night and he slept over. We talked about our relationship expectations and sex. We both really like each other but feel like it's a little too soon to have sex yet. We'll keep seeing each other and we'll let each other know when we're ready to have sex.

    I really like this guy, I haven't really felt what I feel for this guy with anyone else before. I think he really likes me too. He actually paid a 50$ cab ride to see me last night. I offered to pay or at least split the bill but he refused.
    Last edited by mcbg22; July 6th, 2014 at 03:10 PM.

  22. #22
    On the Prowl mcbrion's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by KaraBulut View Post
    Thanks for the positive comments.

    Something that we periodically mention is that there is no right/wrong in the responses that people post in these forums. Ultimately, only the OP knows the situation. Different people have different perspectives and the more perspectives that are offered, the more options that the OP is given.

    Nonetheless, a thoughtful considered response, devoid of ego, presents itself without judgment, which my response was not. In this respect yours offered more insight - and helpfulness - to the OP. THAT is what is most important in a relationship forum.

  23. #23
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    ...We'll keep seeing each other and we'll let each other know when we're ready to have sex.

    I really like this guy, I haven't really felt what I feel for this guy with anyone else before. I think he really likes me too...
    It does sound like the two of you are off to a good start (although he may need to move closer to avoid those expensive cab rides!).
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  24. #24

    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Interesting development: We haven't had sex yet but we have talked about what we like/don't like to do in bed and he says lately he has been curious about being slapped, given orders, maybe choked a little bit. I've never done it before and I don't mind trying it, but is it weird that he's telling me this when we haven't even had non-kinky sex yet? lol

  25. #25
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    No, it is not weird. He...is a communicator. He...lets you know what he would like to try.

    You...act like a genie, "Your wish is my command."

  26. #26
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Yeah........ so this is going to be contrary because - well, I really don't quite understand guys who "really like each other but feel like it's a little too soon to have sex..." If I like a guy, I want into his pants without getting all precious about it. I mean, I LIKE him, I want his ass AND his company. Otherwise I just want hot guys no strings attached.

    So, you apparently had this conversation where you both agreed you want to wait and see if unicorns and moonbeams appear, and then he brought up all his S&M fantasies. Yeah, so you don't want to have sex with him - YET, and then he's telling you to beat him and treat him like the gimp he is - perhaps, you should walk away, I don't see much future in this.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  27. #27
    On the Prowl mcbrion's Avatar
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    Re: How soon to have sex with someone?

    Yeah, wanting in someone's pants when you have lust is pretty standard, but sex changes everything. Once you've had it, you cannot un-have it, whether it was great, mediocre or a dud. And for some guys, if they haven't taken the time to actually know someone they "like," if the sex is bad, they might git. Out. So maybe waiting to see if its only one's lust or truly one's heart (the kind where you feel sweet towards the other guy, not just want him for yourself) lets you know if its a launching pad into something more or if you might want to 'temper your expectations.'
    Waiting is cool. I wish more guys would do it, because there'd be many fewer broken hearts. A person would find out pretty quickly who 'likes' them and who only 'desires' them. As a way of separating the wheat from the chaff, I've seen it work really well.

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