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  1. #1

    My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    Okay, just a quick disclaimed before I get started but this is going to be a LONG post.

    Me and my boyfriend first met when I started working at the same place as he does in 2010. At the time of us meeting I didn't really think much of it, I think I might have thought to myself Is he gay? when we first met, as he was the guy who was showing me the ropes on my first day but it was simply a fleeting thought. The duration of my probation period I didn't really give it much thought as it was my first job and I was too preoccupied trying to make a good impression, not to mention that I was already in a relationship at the time with a man 14 years my senior (I was 19).

    After that probation period I was kept on but I was moved to work downstairs (my boyfriend works upstairs) so I didn't really see him much for the next year as we worked different shifts, etc. Anyway, one day in the October of 2011 he randomly started to chat to me on Facebook (I was still with my ex at the time) and that led to me adding him onto MSN (as it was then) and we used to chat every so often if we both happened to be on, at the time I was staying at my ex's pretty much 4 nights a week though. Anyway, that relationship eventually broke down in November after a vacation, so I was single again.

    Over the next year, me and my boyfriend started chatting more frequently and doing things occasionally on our days off. Nothing particularly romantic though as he was into this guy who lived in London at the time and it was such a rarity. Eventually I was transferred back upstairs, so we saw each other a lot more. Things eventually started to develop but it was never officially stamped, even though I kept asking about it.

    Now, a bit of a backstory on my boyfriend as I think it's pretty relevant. His mother died when he was two, so he's never known her and all his life it's just been him and his dad, and then his dad's girlfriend. He only really sees the rest of his family once a year and about 11 years ago now, he decided to come out to them all on this one day. Apparently, the reaction was so bad that he never mentioned it again (which I know was the worst thing he could've done). And, when we got round to talking about our relationship, he said that was the one reason why he couldn't be in a relationship because it wouldn't be fair for me to be kept a secret. At the time, I didn't care and I said that, so we decided to get together.

    Now, I don't even know when we got together, so I have no idea what our anniversary is. Anyway, over the course of that time (beginning of 2013-2014) we obviously work together a lot more and the only day off we get to do stuff together is a Wednesday night. We used to go to the cinema and then the opportunity came up for us to actually go round to his because his dad goes out. Apart from that and the odd work-related thing, we don't really do anything outside work. Although, we do walk home from work a couple of nights a week too.

    Anyway, over the course of that time, especially this last year, it's really started to get to me that he isn't out at all because I am and it just feels like I'm this big massive secret. And that he's kind of ashamed to me. I know it probably sounds selfish because I knew what I was getting in for and he's only really got his dad (he's 29 and he still lives with his dad) and his dad might disown him. But I just can't help but think that he needs to grow a pair and come out. I mean, I haven't even met his friends and, as far as I know, they do know he's gay...

    And, I just don't know what to do about the situation really. Any help would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Virgin lakeviewcouple8689's Avatar
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    Re: My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    I've been here before-- dump him.

    You'll keep being annoyed and resentful about being someones dirty little secret and at the same time you cannot force him to come out that's something he has to do on his own. It'll just end up being more aggravating than enjoyable after awhile. Find someone who is comfortable with himself, it's not worth it.

    That's my opinion after having dealt with this situation before. Maybe your situation will pan out differently, but my advice is move on to a man who is out and you can thoroughly enjoy.
    Last edited by lakeviewcouple8689; July 1st, 2014 at 07:26 PM.

  3. #3
    JUB Addict Craiger's Avatar
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    Re: My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    I, too, wonder if it is worth it to maintain a relationship where you seem to be the only open and honest person involved. By not meeting any of his friends or his family, you remain that secret. What else is there in his life that he is not talking about or sharing with you? Life is too short to confine yourself to a restricted relationship. There is no reason why the two of you cannot remain friends, however, for your own mental and sexual sanity, I would move on to someone with whom you can feel more comfortable. It can be hard seeing that you work so closely together, but the problems he may have concerning his family affairs are just that, his problems. Unless you want to play the martyr part, this situation will continue and cause more negativity than you may want. Good luck and keep us informed.

    Craiger

  4. #4
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    Re: My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    In the beginning, because you were desperate to have him, you decided it didn't matter that he was not out. Then life happened and you spend very little time together outside of work and you can't be yourselves because he can't tell people. So, now you realize that you were wrong about it being okay he is in the closet. What do you do? You sit down and you think about what life will be like in 10 years if he does not change. Life is not static. It does not remain the same. It either improves or gets worse. Which will it be for you?
    When you love someone, you want to share a life with them and refuse to hide the light of your love under a bushel. Why do you think he does not realize he is doomed to unhappiness? Why is it so important for him to please his family over being happy with you.
    He needs help. Don't get caught up in his secrets so that you waste your life. I know it's not easy. Good luck, Bobness.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  5. #5

    Re: My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    It is imperative that you discuss this with him as well.
    I know family ties are important, and in his situation, where the only tie to his family is his dad, it can be extreemely hard to risk a working relationship with the only peron you can call a family. However people who think like this, are not fully adults in my opinion...

    You have to start living your own life after a while, and your family should only play the part of observers who occasionally make constructive criticism IF and only IF it is neccessary. And that criticism must be considered and either discarded, or accpeted.

    This will be hard for both of you, but if it is progress what you want, you must take steps.

  6. #6
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: My Boyfriend Isn't Out - Advice Needed?

    It's ok to change one's mind. Just because something was once ok doesn't mean it will always be so. Before you talk to him about this be clear as to what you want and need. If you're not prepared to break up don't threaten it. Not following through on an ultimatum is one of the worst things in a relationship. You give away power and your words mean nothing. Good luck. Remember the only person you can change is yourself.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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