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  1. #1

    Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago. I'm numb. I've talked to my friends, and now I feel like sharing my story with you JUBbers...

    He is my first boyfriend and the relationship lasted a year. I am 25, and he is 26. A week before the breakup, we celebrated our one year anniversary….

    ... and then a couple days before the breakup, we got into a fight through text, so we decided to wait two days to cool down. I went over to his house to have a calm and civil discussion… and we actually got those specific issues sorted out! I thought we were going to be fine...

    ... and then, suddenly, he said that he "doesn't feel as romantically inclined as he should be at this point in the relationship" because he feels like he lost himself. Since we started dating, he feels like he hasn't had much time to relax on his own, pursue his own hobbies, etc. He feels like that I ask to come over to his house too often, and when he says "no, I need space," he feels bad.

    He says that he feels like he really has no time to be in a relationship right now, because being in one means you have to be "selfless," when all he wants to be right now is "selfish" and focus on himself.

    ... I was stunned. All I heard was the whole "it's not you, it's me" excuse... I couldn't believe he was bringing this up. I kept apologizing for what I did wrong in the relationship, but he got mad and told me to stop saying it was "my fault," because the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship is entirely on him.

    I told him, honestly, that I am not prepared for this breakup simply because I am completely not comfortable with the idea of him seeing other people, and that it would break my heart if that happens.

    He then replies that he's not doing this so he can look for someone else, and re-iterated that he's doing this for himself...

    ... but he wants to remain friends. He said that since we have such an incredible friendship, he would like to keep it going, but he doesn't think I'm ready to handle that, because of how sensitive and emotional I can be.

    He gave me an ultimatum: either we continue the relationship as friends, or he loses me in his life forever…

    For the time being, I told him I choose to keep him in my life, but that I still need some time to process what just happened.

    Now here's the catch: We have a California vacation that we planned, a YEAR IN ADVANCE, at the end of August, for a week. He said we can still go, but just as friends, and that he was sorry to talk about being "just friends" right before the vacation. Should I be going on this trip?

    Lately, he's also been texting me, asking me how I am doing. I replied every single time, but I never initiate contact… I just feel like I need some space of my own. He tells me not to be afraid to text him, but it's just hard not being able to call him "babe" anymore.

    I really want him back, but now that I think back on the relationship, I feel like that if we do get back together, things would have to change...

    What should I do? Should I give him space? I feel like I should just give him his space, and see if he misses me. But I don't want to wait for him for too long!

    We're planning to hang out next week, and it will be the first time I see him since the break up. He texted me that he misses me and still wants to be able to see me. I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to bring up the relationship again unless he does, but I know this is going to be awkward...
    Last edited by lurker; June 26th, 2014 at 04:45 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    You joined JUB when you were 14?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  3. #3
    JUB Addict BiMike's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Seems that your bf is not yet ready for a true relationship whereas you are definately wanting it . Just give him some space and go with the flow, certainly keep him as a friend and go on your planned vacation together. He may get round to the idea that he wants more but it is possible that he is just not the relationship type. In which case it may be time for you to move on . In these circumstances it may be difficult for you to remain just friends but give it some time. Best of luck .

  4. #4

    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Quote Originally Posted by BiMike View Post
    Seems that your bf is not yet ready for a true relationship whereas you are definately wanting it . Just give him some space and go with the flow, certainly keep him as a friend and go on your planned vacation together. He may get round to the idea that he wants more but it is possible that he is just not the relationship type. In which case it may be time for you to move on . In these circumstances it may be difficult for you to remain just friends but give it some time. Best of luck .
    Thank you so much. "Going with the flow" is certainly what I have in mind. We're both still really excited for the vacation, and we were just texting about it recently talking about our plans for it...

    sixthson, hence my username, haha. This website wasn't even called "justusboys" back then, from what I remember.

  5. #5
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Give him the space he asked for. Continue not to text him. He is the one who told you that you were coming over too often. Were you being needy? When someone you love says he just wants to be friends, it sounds like the end of romance. You should accept that and move on, don't keep waiting for him to change his mind. What would prevent him from doing this again? If you think it will be too painful to be just friends, then put space between the two of you. As for the vacation, he repeated that it would be only as friends. It sounds like you are hoping it could turn into more.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  6. #6

    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    Give him the space he asked for. Continue not to text him. He is the one who told you that you were coming over too often. Were you being needy?
    Yes, being "needy" was a problem early on in our relationship that we both acknowledged, and I believe it continued to be, because in our last argument, he did say that I was "losing respect for the time he needs to be independent and alone" and that this was going on for a while, but he "bottled it up" because he wanted to avoid another face-to-face conversation about our relationship.

    Another thing that annoyed him greatly was that, a couple of months ago, I confessed to him that I read relationship books, which changed the way he looked at me. This is my first relationship ever, so I don't have experience to go off of. I read these books to help teach me the values of good communication... but when I told him this, he felt like he was dating a book, and that everything I ever did, say, or act was from something I read about. He said that there is no "definitive way" to be in a relationship, and that I can't put it down into words as to how things work and what happens or how to act, that it's all "trial and error" to find where I fit into my own place in a relationship, not what some author or someone on the internet told me to be or do.

    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    When someone you love says he just wants to be friends, it sounds like the end of romance. You should accept that and move on, don't keep waiting for him to change his mind. What would prevent him from doing this again? If you think it will be too painful to be just friends, then put space between the two of you.
    That's the most heartbreaking part. We've been together for a whole year.

    It's really painful to me to think that somewhere along the line, his romantic feelings for me faded... or maybe even died? ... that's what hurts the most. I keep telling myself that maybe he really DOES just needs some space to think and really decide if he has time for a relationship, and that he does have some romantic feelings for me... the last date we had together, he initiated, be bought us our favorite wine, and we went to his house and prepared dinner together...

    ... but at the same time, I also asked myself, what made him think he was ready for a relationship when we first met?

    When you ask me what would prevent him from doing this again, that's the hardest question. I feel like there would need to be a drastic change. The reason why he feels like he needs space is because he works 40 hour work weeks, and on those 5 days, he simply wakes up before work, goes to work, then goes back home, it's basically a robotic cycle. And then on the two days that he actually DOES have off, he uses that time to relax and get errands done. But ever since I came into the picture, he said that it was difficult trying to fit someone special into all of this, because that meant less relaxation time for him.

    So I think, if we were to ever be in a relationship again, we both need to change. He would either have to manage his time better, or find another job... and I would have to be more independent and keep myself occupied, because I do find myself going to his house a lot.

    (Another reason why I only go to his house is because I'm not out to my parents, and I currently live with them... so he doesn't have a place to come over to, and felt like that we only always go to his house. He doesn't want to pressure me to come out.)

    Quote Originally Posted by sixthson View Post
    As for the vacation, he repeated that it would be only as friends. It sounds like you are hoping it could turn into more.
    That hope is still there in the back of my mind.
    Last edited by lurker; June 27th, 2014 at 08:35 AM.

  7. #7
    Slut emancipado's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Quote Originally Posted by lurker View Post
    My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago. I'm numb. I've talked to my friends, and now I feel like sharing my story with you JUBbers...

    He is my first boyfriend and the relationship lasted a year. I am 25, and he is 26. A week before the breakup, we celebrated our one year anniversary….

    ... and then a couple days before the breakup, we got into a fight through text, so we decided to wait two days to cool down. I went over to his house to have a calm and civil discussion… and we actually got those specific issues sorted out! I thought we were going to be fine...

    ... and then, suddenly, he said that he "doesn't feel as romantically inclined as he should be at this point in the relationship" because he feels like he lost himself. Since we started dating, he feels like he hasn't had much time to relax on his own, pursue his own hobbies, etc. He feels like that I ask to come over to his house too often, and when he says "no, I need space," he feels bad.

    He says that he feels like he really has no time to be in a relationship right now, because being in one means you have to be "selfless," when all he wants to be right now is "selfish" and focus on himself.

    ... I was stunned. All I heard was the whole "it's not you, it's me" excuse... I couldn't believe he was bringing this up. I kept apologizing for what I did wrong in the relationship, but he got mad and told me to stop saying it was "my fault," because the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship is entirely on him.

    I told him, honestly, that I am not prepared for this breakup simply because I am completely not comfortable with the idea of him seeing other people, and that it would break my heart if that happens.

    He then replies that he's not doing this so he can look for someone else, and re-iterated that he's doing this for himself...

    ... but he wants to remain friends. He said that since we have such an incredible friendship, he would like to keep it going, but he doesn't think I'm ready to handle that, because of how sensitive and emotional I can be.

    He gave me an ultimatum: either we continue the relationship as friends, or he loses me in his life forever…

    For the time being, I told him I choose to keep him in my life, but that I still need some time to process what just happened.

    Now here's the catch: We have a California vacation that we planned, a YEAR IN ADVANCE, at the end of August, for a week. He said we can still go, but just as friends, and that he was sorry to talk about being "just friends" right before the vacation. Should I be going on this trip?

    Lately, he's also been texting me, asking me how I am doing. I replied every single time, but I never initiate contact… I just feel like I need some space of my own. He tells me not to be afraid to text him, but it's just hard not being able to call him "babe" anymore.

    I really want him back, but now that I think back on the relationship, I feel like that if we do get back together, things would have to change...

    What should I do? Should I give him space? I feel like I should just give him his space, and see if he misses me. But I don't want to wait for him for too long!

    We're planning to hang out next week, and it will be the first time I see him since the break up. He texted me that he misses me and still wants to be able to see me. I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to bring up the relationship again unless he does, but I know this is going to be awkward...

    Dear Jubber, I am sorry you broke up. When I broke up with my ex, It was just like you guys. we got back together but again, didn't work. He said we could be friends, and we are, but we don't see each other that much, my advice is to stay away from him as much as possible, or you will never heal. There are people who just wanna keep you close to make themselves feel better, don't fall for that. Don't go on vacation with him. Let him miss you, just disappear on him. It is not healthy to pretend everything is fine after a break up, act like friends, when you're dying inside. I did that, and Im doing great ! Good Luck!

  8. #8

    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

    I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

    If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  9. #9
    Slut emancipado's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

    I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

    If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.

    I totally agree !!!

  10. #10
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Bottom line: this guy isn't ready for a relationship.

    Nothing you do, or say will likely change that.

    The two questions for you are:
    1. Can you deal with having this guy around in my life as just a friend? You wouldn't be the first person who put an ex out their life because it was just too painful to try to be friends and sometimes the power to do so is helpful in the healing process.
    2. Which of your really great friends are you going to take on that California vacation with you?
    JUB's full list of smilies can be found here.

  11. #11
    Slut emancipado's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    you should go with a fuckbuddy to California, you won't have time to think about your ex jejejej

  12. #12

    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    I feel he was very clear with you, if you love him let him figure out his life and let him go..yes, is painful but is time to move on you 2 are very young.


    Good luck to you

  13. #13
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    Re: Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

    I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

    If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.
    I completly agree with this ^

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