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  1. #1
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    Mom still says things that piss me off

    I came out to my parents about six years ago. At first, they didn't take it very well, but they've slowly come to accept it.

    I don't think my dad really cares all that much. I think my mom is actually fine with me being gay, but she is petrified about what *other* people think about me. And because of that, she would often say things that make me very sad, and often very frustrated too.

    I should add that I'm an only child, and I always felt that my parents love me very much. But lately, I'm doubting that more and more.

    A few examples of things she said over the years:
    -"You shouldn't be holding hands when you're in public, since a lot of people don't like it."
    -"Keep a low profile. Don't tell your friends [that you're gay] unless you have to, because they would say things behind your back."
    -"You shouldn't worry about getting promoted too much at work. If you get promoted to high ranks, people would find out that you're gay."
    -"Why did you talk to your cousin? Did you tell her anything? Does she know? Don't talk to them."
    -"How are you getting along with your FRIEND?" (where friend is my boyfriend... she would never call him a partner or boyfriend, as if that really changes anything.)
    -"It's good that his parents [my boyfriend's parents] have two kids--otherwise they must be so sad that their only child would be gay."

    She just sounds so ignorant, and maybe she is. I live across the country from my parents, so we mostly talk over the phone. These types of conversations come up maybe once every few weeks, and every time we're done with these phone calls, I am just filled with sadness and frustration for the rest of the week. Sometimes I considered just hanging up on her, but I hadn't done that. Sometimes I just say nothing because I just don't know what to say.

    I'm flying home next week, and I'm thinking that if I have an opportunity, I should have a talk with her. Any advice on how I should approach it?

  2. #2

    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    My Mother began using the N word racial pejorative a few years ago, out of the blue, out of character, and something she had never done before. I asked her about this after I had prepared what to say and how to say it carefully. I reminded her that she had always taught us equality and better manners. I told her this word made me uncomfortable. I told her that use of the word might mean she would slip and say it to someone she really cared about as she does have friends who would be offended. I told her I worked in a hospital and had many friends, and even bosses who were of different races and it would embarrass me greatly if they were to hear such a remark from her. I also told her that someday she might be in a hospital or nursing facility and while I did not think a slip of the tongue might endanger her it might well make staff members reluctant to spend time with her being of the opinion she might be likely to complain about their quality of assistance. In short I reminded her she might be conveying the perception that she was a bigot. My Mother changed what she said around me first with a word, and then with gentle guidance her own inward misconceptions. This is your Mother and you want to be both respectful and to deal with some of her lingering embarrassment, misconceptions and the importance she has placed on what other people think when they are just being petty. You can do this with humor, insight and perhaps some reminders of how she raised you. Every family has to deal with some members who are not as far along the paths of understanding as others; this is your assignment, your duty of "Honoring" your Mother. Your mother is obviously having problems accepting, give her the opportunity to grow or send her a copy of "Ordinary People".

  3. #3
    JUB Addict racer2438's Avatar
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    My honey told his mom the ,,,,
    "how will it look later on when people find out how you have reacted and treated me"
    "that will make you look worse than me"

    I still remember that day. and from that day forward she stopped and supported us fully.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

  4. #4
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    Take her out for coffee and tell her what you told us. Use the fair fighting techniques of using "I" statements, such as, "I feel (sad, hurt, angry, etc., when you say_________." Avoid the words "always" and "never" and let her know that you'd like an adult, mutually respectful relationship with her. If it's important to you and it seems as if it is tell her or ask her to refer to_____ as your boyfriend or partner. Let her vent if she needs to. I'm guessing she's scared and sad and perhaps thinks she did or didn't do something and that's why you're gay.

    My husband and I gave his mother a PLAG gift membership. It helped her realize she wasn't alone and it role modeled supportive family behavior. Best wishes to you. I hope things get better.
    Last edited by Seasoned; June 22nd, 2014 at 05:20 AM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  5. #5
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    Quote Originally Posted by redips
    I don't think my dad really cares all that much. I think my mom is actually fine with me being gay, but she is petrified about what *other* people think about me. And because of that, she would often say things that make me very sad, and often very frustrated too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    ...Use the fair fighting techniques of using "I" statements, such as, "I feel (sad, hurt, angry, etc., when you say_________."
    You might also point out to your mother that she's always talking about how other people feel or about what other people might think. She's not being honest about how she feels. It doesn't sound at all like she's "fine with you being gay" - she's projecting her feelings onto other people.

    This is about how she feels and she needs to talk about her feelings so that you both can deal with her ignorance and denial.

    Quote Originally Posted by redips
    I'm flying home next week, and I'm thinking that if I have an opportunity, I should have a talk with her. Any advice on how I should approach it?
    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    ...let her know that you'd like an adult, mutually respectful relationship with her.
    ^Just to make sure this doesn't get lost in the paragraph...

    You might give some thought to the kind of relationship that you want to have with your mother. Be honest about it with her. Don't focus on the shortcomings on the present and instead talk about what you want the relationship to be.

    Remind yourself that you parents are probably trying to do the best that they can but they really have no reference point on how to cope with gay people and a world that is changing. That's why PFLAG is often helpful- it helps parents hear that they're not alone in what they are feeling and it helps them understand that most of what they think they know about gay people is just plain wrong.
    JUB's full list of smilies can be found here.

  6. #6
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    I agree with what the others have said, but I also have to wonder if the fact you live far from her is keeping her from witnessing you for herself on a regular basis. If she sees you showing love to your bf, over time she might come around.

    Without a doubt she has issues (including shame) and disappointments. Be gentle with her but honest. Encourage her to express herself honestly with you, too. Keep us informed.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  7. #7
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    I think, as a mother, she's trying to protect you. From what you said, it seems she's worried that people might hurt you. I guess it's a natural thing for any mother to protect her children.. But I think you should just tell her about how you feel about that, tell her that you are old enough, and strong enough, to make decisions about yourself and not about what people might think and that she doesnt have to worry about you. Tell her you love her and you wouldn't do anything stupid to hurt yourself, anything like that haha

    Sorry for my prob crap grammar, english isnt my first language

    -JB

  8. #8

    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    She is telling you to stay in the closet. In the past p, and to a lesser extent today, gays have been victims of discrimination and abuse. At one time most gays felt the need to keep it a secret. Many do today. The comments you have quoted to us are along that line. Are you completely out to everyone? If so tell her that it is too late to keep it secret, and you do not intend to. If you are partly in the closet, then her advice is good until or if you decide to do so. She is trying to protect you from discrimination and abuse.

  9. #9
    Slut emancipado's Avatar
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    Re: Mom still says things that piss me off

    Quote Originally Posted by redips View Post
    I came out to my parents about six years ago. At first, they didn't take it very well, but they've slowly come to accept it.

    I don't think my dad really cares all that much. I think my mom is actually fine with me being gay, but she is petrified about what *other* people think about me. And because of that, she would often say things that make me very sad, and often very frustrated too.

    I should add that I'm an only child, and I always felt that my parents love me very much. But lately, I'm doubting that more and more.

    A few examples of things she said over the years:
    -"You shouldn't be holding hands when you're in public, since a lot of people don't like it."
    -"Keep a low profile. Don't tell your friends [that you're gay] unless you have to, because they would say things behind your back."
    -"You shouldn't worry about getting promoted too much at work. If you get promoted to high ranks, people would find out that you're gay."
    -"Why did you talk to your cousin? Did you tell her anything? Does she know? Don't talk to them."
    -"How are you getting along with your FRIEND?" (where friend is my boyfriend... she would never call him a partner or boyfriend, as if that really changes anything.)
    -"It's good that his parents [my boyfriend's parents] have two kids--otherwise they must be so sad that their only child would be gay."

    She just sounds so ignorant, and maybe she is. I live across the country from my parents, so we mostly talk over the phone. These types of conversations come up maybe once every few weeks, and every time we're done with these phone calls, I am just filled with sadness and frustration for the rest of the week. Sometimes I considered just hanging up on her, but I hadn't done that. Sometimes I just say nothing because I just don't know what to say.

    I'm flying home next week, and I'm thinking that if I have an opportunity, I should have a talk with her. Any advice on how I should approach it?
    Im going through the same thing, I get so angry sometimes !!!

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