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  1. #1

    Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    It sure does seem that way, at least with me.

    I was born and raised in the south. Surrounded by a majority of black people, (I'm also black, if I haven't made that clear yet.) During high school, I loved black men. It was all I knew - I was around sexy black dudes everyday all day at school, walking home, on the bus or train. My first boyfriend was black. My next few "men of interest" were black (I've only ever had one real relationship).

    Now, in college and in the real world, I'm obviously meeting a variety of men of different races, and I like them all. Every race is beautiful or has something that fascinates me. Since I was so used to black guys, I've been trying to date outside of my race lately, but I can't help but feeling that I'm not good enough for them. Not because of my own insecurities, but because of the subtle hints they give me signaling that they're not interested. Failed attempts and peer pressure led me to sign up for Grindr and Tinder. Even there, no response outside of my race.

    I still get plenty(that may be too generous. I get a few) black guys that are interested in me in both real life and on grindr or tinder, so I'm assuming that not completely unattractive. And I'm not a self-loathing racist - I still talk to the black guys that like me, but it just makes you wonder if gay black men are only in the league of gay black men. Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Of Nightmares & Secrets. MoufOfKhaos's Avatar
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I've dated inside and outside my race with no problems doing either, and I was also - despite being born in Germany - raised in the south. And yeah, apparently, I'm black. Go figure, different paths and all.

    I don't know what it is with people seeing race before seeing the fact that a person is a person first, but maybe that's worth looking into first before you date anyone - black or otherwise. Find out if it IS a color barrier, or if they just see something in you that makes you less approachable, or less likely to be seen as a mate.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I was born and raised in the south too. But the south of Canada is a fair bit different I'd wager than how you grew up. Everybody knew the black guy at my junior high school, and the three asian girls and the brown guy in high school. We all assumed that's what everybody meant by "diversity" and "multiculturalism." So that gives you an idea of what it was like for me growing up, except kind of opposite your situation, and I had the same experience of huge new variety at university. I had never met so many people of asian background before. At the same time, my city was growing, now over a million, and the immigration that had come to bigger cities in Canada was really starting to change the face of my hometown.

    I have to say I found hot guys from every background. There were no ethnic limitations in guys I noticed before I met my guy. I only noticed ethnicity as something about the guy I was interested in. It was never a criteria to decide who I was interested in.

    So about your situation: you're the one who is conscious of ethnicity in your dating life. Possibly for a good reason, to broaden your horizons and be open to the world. Smart idea.

    But what if our positions were switched, and I found myself in the real world of the southern States, and I said "Okay listen up- I'm looking for someone black to date, because mostly i just know white people and I'm looking to move beyond what I'm used to. Please step forward if you're black because I'm gonna date you..." I'm pretty sure lots of people you know well would take that the wrong way, or at least assume I was looking to date their skin colour instead of them as a person. It's one thing to be open to it. It's another thing to seek it out in preference to something else. I'm pretty sure if I was ever going to meet any of the people down south like that, you would have to introduce us instead of me coming at it head on like that. And I'm pretty sure any of your friends would be able to tell in about 3 minutes if I was interested in them or their colour.

    Also, I don't know what people would expect of me or if it would be any different fitting in down there than it is here. Or, standing out, for that matter.

    I dunno. Also some of it is just the joy of getting rejected that happens in any crowd.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Move to la. And don't make a big deal about race. I used to but I don't care. Interracial dating is a fetish within itself so don't worry about that.

    /thread.
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  5. #5
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I'm not black and I'm not white either, well not entirely, I'm mixed-race to be precise, but I have a real thing for black men. I would happily date a black man. So don't think that people do not date outside their race, because they do all the time, after all, love is blind.
    Last edited by Special K; June 17th, 2014 at 07:21 AM.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by Appleman34 View Post
    Since I was so used to black guys, I've been trying to date outside of my race lately, but I can't help but feeling that I'm not good enough for them. Not because of my own insecurities, but because of the subtle hints they give me signaling that they're not interested.
    I think in a way you have answered your own question. You were used to black guys in HS, and you are making an active attempt to date outside of your race. Other people may also be used to just 1 or 2 races, and they are not making an active attempt to date outside of their race, simply because they don't want to, and that is not necessarily wrong.

    Can I ask why you are actively looking to date outside your race? Shouldn't you just be looking to date any guy that is attractive to you?

    On another note, although it has become not PC to admit it, people who do only date within their race tend to do so because that is their initial physical preference. I am not saying that they cannot find other races beautiful or attractive, but in their subconscious, they are just more comfortable with their own race. I believe I read somewhere that what race and physical attributes you will find most attractive initially upon meeting another person are derived from the types of races you are exposed to regularly before age 12. Is this a mix of subconscious social stigma and purely physical attributes (eye color, hair texture, skin color, build, etc)? Probably. But the physical is still there.

    The guys who are not pursuing you were probably just not exposed to many black people on a regular basis when they were growing up. They grew up with a certain race where their attractions were developed based on who they were exposed to.

    My theory is that this is the reason there is more race mixing in places like NYC, where you are exposed to a plethora of races on a daily basis, thank in Atlanta, where races don't have enough exposure to each other.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I don't think it is necessarily true. I'm attracted to personality not ethnicity.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by twtrob View Post
    I don't think it is necessarily true. I'm attracted to personality not ethnicity.
    ^^^THIS^^^ I like individuals and there are certain personality types I am attracted to...they can be and have been a lot of different races. Race is not a factor for me.

    There are people who will definitely make you feel like a second class citizen for many reasons....race is one of them. Consider that they have done you a favor because when you weed them out you will get a much better class of men.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by twtrob View Post
    I don't think it is necessarily true. I'm attracted to personality not ethnicity.
    But before you know anything about a guy, before you know anything about his personality, what makes you approach a certain guy in the first place? That is what I was getting at.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Common goals. Music, fitness, hipster, hip hop, thug, chubby, hairy, bear, skinny, kink.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Black men are fairly popular in the Netherlands with white gay guys.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    National organization in the US:

    http://www.nabwmt.org/aboutus.html
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  13. #13

    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I love black guys and would love to date one. As you said, anyone who I'm attracted to and anyone who's attracted to me is good to go. It's just that I've noticed that guys outside of my race aren't interested, and it limits my options when trying to meet new guys.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Hmm...Well in my experience, I've been hit on my more white men than black me. I like em' all. But I do lean toward white men though. A man with beautiful eyes could easily steal my heart. =)

    I wouldn't say black men are only destined to date other black men.
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  15. #15

    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by Appleman34 View Post
    I love black guys and would love to date one. As you said, anyone who I'm attracted to and anyone who's attracted to me is good to go. It's just that I've noticed that guys outside of my race aren't interested, and it limits my options when trying to meet new guys.
    I think most gay black men have experienced this.
    Along with a large number of gay black men who prefer or exclusively date non-black men and it makes things difficult.

  16. #16
    On the Prowl deelong's Avatar
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    I think most gay black men have experienced this.
    Along with a large number of gay black men who prefer or exclusively date non-black men and it makes things difficult.
    Do you really there's a large number of black men who only date other black men? I don't think the number is big. Guess it could depend on where you live. I think that is a big factor.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    It is. Just in my experience, Atlanta, Chicago, DC and New york, black guys don't ever date interracial.
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  18. #18

    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Race and queerdom is an exhausting topic.
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  19. #19
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    That's interesting, from what I've seen in my area black guys usually say they want a white guy. Once I did see a profile of a black guy that said "only black" though.

    Racists are so weird.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by Taralen View Post
    It is. Just in my experience, Atlanta, Chicago, DC and New york, black guys don't ever date interracial.
    I find that laughable being from Atlanta and seeing with my own eyes every day that that isn't true.
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  21. #21
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by MoufOfKhaos View Post
    I find that laughable being from Atlanta and seeing with my own eyes every day that that isn't true.
    I did say from my experience. I just know that they try to keep gay black men from separating there. Like atlanta black gay pride and things. I just don't ever see any division there. idk. :P

    And most of my friends that do live in Atlanta never dated any white guys so maybe times are changing and that's good.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by MoufOfKhaos View Post
    I find that laughable being from Atlanta and seeing with my own eyes every day that that isn't true.
    Laugh all you want, but I've been living in Atlanta for a year and in my experience as well and compared to 3 other cities I have lived in, there are a lot more black guys that tend to only date black guys in Atlanta.

    And Taralen is correct because there are a lot of gay black targeted events and clubs, where this generally does not exist in many other cities on the scale that it does in Atlanta.

  23. #23
    Of Nightmares & Secrets. MoufOfKhaos's Avatar
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    There is a difference between a lot and all. So yes, I will laugh at it, because I have lived in Georgia for almost 20 years if we're trying to "hold rank" here(damn I'm getting old), been out and dating for nearly 10, and have seen plenty of black men that date outside their race, despite the fact that a lot of the guys on hookup sites seem to proclaim NO WHITES NO FATS NO ONE OLDER THAN ___. Been to Pride(the worldwide one), where interracial couples seem to be the norm rather than the exception. Seen the so-called black-only clubs(Chapparrels on Sunday night, Bulldogs, 708, etc) where a lot of the black men ignore each other unless they're friends yet fall all over the white guys they see(Bulldogs is the worst with this, but that's another subject for another time). Yes, we have black gay pride(which I've yet to go to), yes, the black guys here talk a good game of self-segregation, but I've learned that to be mostly a facade. That's MY experience. So yes, again, laughing at the assertion that, at least in Atlanta, it's hard to date inter-racially.
    Last edited by MoufOfKhaos; July 1st, 2014 at 08:13 AM.
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  24. #24
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by MoufOfKhaos View Post
    There is a difference between a lot and all. So yes, I will laugh at it, because I have lived in Georgia for almost 20 years if we're trying to "hold rank" here(damn I'm getting old), been out and dating for nearly 10, and have seen plenty of black men that date outside their race, despite the fact that a lot of the guys on hookup sites seem to proclaim NO WHITES NO FATS NO ONE OLDER THAN ___. Been to Pride(the worldwide one), where interracial couples seem to be the norm rather than the exception. Seen the so-called black-only clubs(Chapparrels on Sunday night, Bulldogs, 708, etc) where a lot of the black men ignore each other unless they're friends yet fall all over the white guys they see(Bulldogs is the worst with this, but that's another subject for another time). Yes, we have black gay pride(which I've yet to go to), yes, the black guys here talk a good game of self-segregation, but I've learned that to be mostly a facade. That's MY experience. So yes, again, laughing at the assertion that, at least in Atlanta, it's hard to date inter-racially.
    He never said all and neither did I. Excuse me for assuming he meant most by his statement. He answered the question "Do you really [think] there's a large number of black men who only date other black men?" This has nothing to do with rank or time lived in Atlanta, but have you lived in other cities? Comparatively, from my experience there are a lot more black guys only pursuing black guys and dating other black guys.

    Neither of us have statistics so we will never know the answer, but the fact that there are gay black events like black gay pride (which you have yet to go to) means that the number (and probably %) of gay black men living in ATL is a lot larger than most U.S. cities, which makes it easier for black men to specifically pursue other black men.

    And nothing that you have said proves that it is not hard to date inter-racially, just like nothing me or Taralen have said truly proves the opposite. It is crass to discredit his and my experiences solely based on your own experience.

    Seeing interracial couples at Pride does not by any means make it the "norm". I would imagine it mirrors the % of straight interracial couples in Georgia.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Not exactly the best statistics but here are some stats from OKCupid. Whenever I found a guy that I was interested in, I would look for his answer to the question "Would you strongly prefer to date someone of your own skin color/racial background?". They posted some stats in 2009 about it here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/page/15/

    6% of gay black males answered yes to that question which was the fewest of all races. The highest was white gay males with 43%. Again, not the best data (also because I don't think many gay black males use OKC) but it's still something. It just made me realize what my chances are on OKCupid. 90% of the guys that view my profile aren't black but 50% of the guys that message me are black.

    But to answer the OP's question, I wouldn't say black guys are destined to only date black guys. Just that it might be easier to find more black guys that are interested in you. I have 6 cousins who I see often and they are all in interracial relationships.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    In LA (Los Angeles) I've never seen or heard of a gay black guy dating another black guy. Maybe it happens but I never see it. And I spend a disproportionate amount of time in the gayborhood, living, working, and hanging out there all the time. Seems all black guys just want EVERY other race but their own here.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by youngnihilist View Post
    In LA (Los Angeles) I've never seen or heard of a gay black guy dating another black guy. Maybe it happens but I never see it. And I spend a disproportionate amount of time in the gayborhood, living, working, and hanging out there all the time. Seems all black guys just want EVERY other race but their own here.
    If you go upstairs at Mickey's, you'll see black couples. From my experience, a lot of gay black men don't like the WeHo scene so you won't see them there. You can go to the one gay black club in Los Angeles, Jewel's Catch One, and you'll see some couples there. Not to mention, the black population is only 10% in LA so it's easier to find someone outside the black race.

  28. #28
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ninjato View Post
    Not exactly the best statistics but here are some stats from OKCupid. Whenever I found a guy that I was interested in, I would look for his answer to the question "Would you strongly prefer to date someone of your own skin color/racial background?". They posted some stats in 2009 about it here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/page/15/

    6% of gay black males answered yes to that question which was the fewest of all races. The highest was white gay males with 43%. Again, not the best data (also because I don't think many gay black males use OKC) but it's still something. It just made me realize what my chances are on OKCupid. 90% of the guys that view my profile aren't black but 50% of the guys that message me are black.

    But to answer the OP's question, I wouldn't say black guys are destined to only date black guys. Just that it might be easier to find more black guys that are interested in you. I have 6 cousins who I see often and they are all in interracial relationships.
    thanks for the stats . This kind of backs up what I have been experiencing in Atlanta too and what I have been trying to express in this thread.

    I just want to point out 3 things:

    First, If you look at the middle diagonal boxes of the gay male/race response rate, you will see all the boxes are a shade of green. This shows that guys in general have a preference for their own race.
    Second, black men get the fewest responses. This shows that guys of all races may tend to not prefer black guys, for whatever reason.
    Third, besides Indian men, black men get by far more responses from other black men than any other race. This shows that black men may tend to prefer black men.

    Black men aren't destined to only date gay black men, but the numbers are telling a pretty specific story, so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over not finding someone outside of your race.

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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Not necessarily. I don't online date, I prefer to let mother nature choose who I come across. For example I was working at an advertising firm for a telephone company, and I had a superior who was this lanky looking white guy from France who I always assumed was straight but I actually ended up having a little fling with him and he's still one of my very good friends.

    I also explained this on here many years ago, but I met a boyfriend by going to jury duty of all places :P

    So don't let bullshit online dating statistics make or break you. Online dating is 80% catfishes anyways to tell you the truth. You can't help what you are attracted to. I'm just one of the lucky few that find all races and cultures and scenes attractive.

    I guess I will admit I use grindr from time to time, and they have people that just live around the block from you so you know if you see a guy that does't seem local, some shit is up.
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    I'm probably a lot older than most of the guys responding to this, so I may have the benefit of time on my side, plus another interesting perspective.( I'm Black and 63).
    First, Black guys who date other black guys don't show up in mainly white gay neighborhoods. I am saying this based on living in San Francisco for 30 years (not there any more) and having had a business in the Castro for 18 years. So, many of my white friends would say "you only date white guys," which I'd point out was not only wrong, but pretty racist on their part (if they had ever had intimate conversations with me about this subject before stating their [inaccurate] statement, I'd have been ok with it). When they'd protest that that was all they saw me with (and I didn't even date many White guys, although I was one of 3 Black guys who was considered "hot" back in say, 1977, because I was built even in high school and just supplemented my natural build with working out when I moved to SF in 1975) and got most of my attention from white guys, I'd point out that I didn't meet Black guys in the Castro. The ones who were there were my buddies (there weren't that many Black guys IN the Castro in 1975-90. That's also why Marlon Rigss produced his breakthrough film, Tongues Untied). And that, due mostly to the fact that I danced a LOT, and my best friend was one of THE diva djs of the era - and he was Black also. So, by dint of wherever I danced, 99% of the guys were white. And, due to that, I didn't see Black guys in those clubs (SF had had protests by Black gay/lesbians that they were discriminated against, shown as excessive "carding" at the door. This led to the carding being dropped - then. After I left in 2002, it started happening again at the Badlands, which I found ironic, since I was one of the head djs at the Badlands when they were the first stand up bar to have a live dj booth. To have it happen in the very club where there were 2 Black djs - and my friend made it very popular as he was friends with all the "hot" white guys, who came by on Sunday to pay homage to him). I'd have to SEARCH to find Black guys I was interested in, and that was tiresome.
    Many of the Black guys I knew in the Castro were my buddies, so that left me with a non-existent pool of brothers to date. I would've loved to be able to choose, but unless I wanted to drive to Oakland, that wasn't happening. So, from my experience and my best friend, who was a world-class hot Black man, we didn't see many options.
    Now for the kicker, mentioned earlier in this post.
    Even if we were good enough to "date" (I put quotations around that. You'll see why) and have a White guy as a boyfriend, it rarely meant they were interested in me seriously. I was more a "trophy" Black guy, and I am pretty smart. I figured out that they'd enjoy their time with me, but wouldn't have considered marrying me or having me for a permanent lover. I found this out when another very cute Black guy said, a friend of his said that a White guy told him, "I'd have sex with a black guy, and have one for a boyfriend, but I'd never marry one." When I heard that, i stared at him and he at me. We just were silent for a few minutes and shook our heads, but realized, with the significant dating experience we had in SF, that it was a truism we hadn't thought of. So, the "we're not good enough for them" statement? Unfortunately true. BACK THEN. It may have changed now, but human nature doesn't change greatly over decades; centuries,yes. Decades? No.
    When I first moved to SF, I came across a bar, Bojangles, which was all Black (and, ironically, owned by the same man who owned the Badlands, Ron Holmes. Ron liked Black men, but even then, he did not want the Badlands to have a high Black clientele. I know because my lover was the manager and around Ron's age, and Ron adored him, so Ben told me everything. Ben, by the way was White). So, here was a dichotomy, similar to having a mistress but not wanting to be seen with her publicly. (Human nature is so complex in its rationalizations.) The question - and one every ntelligent Black guy in SF knew, was: are you dating me for your fantasy (Mandingo complex) or are you dating me because you really, really like me? (calling Sally Field) Merely "dating" when someone is white and you're Black doesn't mean they don't have control issues, of the kind that the Asian gay men told me about ("they think ALL Asian men are submissive and that's why they like us. When it doesn't turn out that way, they look for someone who fits their stereotype." (See? It doesn't just happen to Black men.) So, even when you're dating, you may find the experience was for something other than your character. That rarely happened when a brother liked me, and if I had my way, I'd have chosen another brother. I placed ads in the SF Bay Times, and was a highly visible guy. Of course, my size (build) was intimidating to most guys, Black or White, but brothers still would wolf-whistle or acknowledge me more easily. It just happened that there were so few around, I didn't have the sheer numbers to choose whom I'd want to date (this was mostly in the 70s. By the 80s, Ben was my lover, so I wasn't looking, except for two periods where we separated for months, and then I was available)
    And I'm half Black, part white and part Chickahominy Indian.
    To sum it up, if you were in the Castro, you probably were fine with White guys hitting on you, but even then, among my Black friends, if they met a fine brother, they'd go after him in a minute. Because the brother didn't see them thru the eyes of "race," not because they themselves were hobbled by it. And I will say, some of the White guys were very genuine, too. The sweetest boyfriend I had was White, and man, he was just a honey. The only reason we didn't end up together was he moved away.
    So, stats tell but part of the story. I'd love to be married to a brother, but we'd have to click on all the same levels it would have to be with ANYONE, regardless of color: spirituality, emotional depth, personality and physical interest.
    The "scene" is changed a little since I left SF in 2002, to move back to CT (family reasons), but not that much, according to the other Black guys of my generation who still live in the Bay Area. I suppose if I lived in Oakland, the stats would change as to whom I'd be able to date. This is just a story to widen the initial post, and the 'stats.' Stats don't tell the whole story.
    Last edited by mcbrion; July 6th, 2014 at 08:25 AM.

  31. #31
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ninjato View Post
    If you go upstairs at Mickey's, you'll see black couples. From my experience, a lot of gay black men don't like the WeHo scene so you won't see them there. You can go to the one gay black club in Los Angeles, Jewel's Catch One, and you'll see some couples there. Not to mention, the black population is only 10% in LA so it's easier to find someone outside the black race.
    pretty crazy you have to go to the upstairs of one bar on one night (Friday) to see gay black couples in LA. it's a total rarity. and yeah I understand black gay couples might not be into going to weho, who can blame them, but its still quite rare

  32. #32
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    Re: Are gay black men destined to only date gay black men?

    Agree to disagree. I have seen many interracial couples riding on the red line here in la.
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