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Thread: Coming out?

  1. #1
    Virgin oregonbiguy's Avatar
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    Coming out?

    So my situation I'm in isn't necessarily good or bad, but I just wanted to put it out there. Probably since 13 or 14 I realized I was attracted to guys. I know a confusing time with raging hormones. Anyway I was also attracted to women. Probably since 16, I'm 21 now, I've considered myself bisexual. This is only to myself, no one else knows. Well I feel like it might be time to let it be known. I've got the usual apprehension with wondering how friends/family will feel. I know my dad feels it shouldn't matter gay/bi/straight, keep your bedroom stuff to yourself. That makes me not want to come out. My thing is that I've never been in a relationship at all, guy or gal. In fact as the years have gone by I find myself less and less attracted to women and am thinking I am only attracted to men. I've had sex with men (casual hookup judge me or don't), so I know what I like. I think if I was out though it would help a lot with my feelings about myself and allow me to actually emotionally connect with another man. Am I gay? Should I come out? Anyone else feel like they are/were in this situation? Thanks for reading and your replies are appreciated

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    Re: Coming out?

    As a bisexual 22 year old male myself, I get what you're going through. I'm still mostly in the closet, but have slowly started letting people know (albeit not a lot). Even so, I think it's important to do only what you're most comfortable with. For me that was letting a small circle know…kind of testing the waters. If you feel compelled to let the people around you know that you're bisexual, gay, etc… then go for it. But if not, then maybe pump the breaks on it until you have a handle on what it'll be like with the particular person/people you'd like to tell. Everybody has their own pace. Hope that helped.

  3. #3
    Slut Special K's Avatar
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    Re: Coming out?

    Personally, and bear in mind that this is just my opinion, I think only you can know whether you are gay or bisexual, and in determining your sexuality my advice would be to follow your heart and not your head; do not be swayed by external pressures.

    Also, whilst I am not denying the existence of bisexuality (of course it exists), I know that sometimes gay people feel that it is more acceptable to be bisexual rather than to be gay, based on the false logic that being half-gay is not as bad as being fully-gay. For example, Olympic athlete Tom Daley came out as bisexual in December 2013, only to reveal five months later that in actual fact he is gay, so presumably he saw bisexuality as a stepping stone to fully revealing his sexuality. Tom Daley gained the confidence to be true to himself through his relationship with Dustin Lance Black. Perhaps you too will come to terms with your sexuality once you engage in a loving relationship with a man and you may find that all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fall into place once that happens. It's difficult to say really.

    That's just my take on the whole situation, but I could be wrong of course, and in the end, only you know what is right for you.
    Last edited by Special K; June 12th, 2014 at 09:58 AM.

  4. #4

    Re: Coming out?

    I started out thinking I was "Bi". In my case, it was biology fighting the "straight" programming I'd been brought up with. Basically, what I felt was conflicting with what I thought I knew.

    Giving into the biology/attraction to guys, and giving it time to re-think and re-program myself to get myself mentally prepared and accustomed to the whole man on man thing (including emotions with the physical attraction) and it's no longer a foreign idea.
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    Re: Coming out?

    You know I never thought about bisexuality being like a middle ground. Personally I do no distinguish all are equal. Like I said I don't feel emotionally or physically attracted to women. Got plenty of women as friends but I just would never see myself connecting deeper with them then friends.

    I actually follow Tom Daley on twitter I like his strength to let people know who he is and it's nothing to feel bad about. So why do I feel so nervous about letting my family/friends know it

  6. #6

    Re: Coming out?

    Fear of their reactions and the possibility of rejection is scary. Having to somehow justify to them what we don't even fully understand why we're this way. Some people's reactions make it seem like we're Nazis or KKK or Satanists.
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    Re: Coming out?

    I don't understand why people are afraid of those who are different gay , bi, mentally ill, different culture. I feel like people fear what they don't understand. I know that a man can love another man as much as a man and woman can. I live in Oregon where a constitutional ban (voted on by the voters of the state) on gay marriage was overturned recently. Apparently gays and lesbians being able to love each other and be together was so frightening to the voters they needed it in the state's highest law.
    Last edited by oregonbiguy; June 12th, 2014 at 08:19 PM. Reason: Spelling errors

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    Re: Coming out?

    A lot of people come out when the discomfort of secrets and hiding is greater than the fear of family and friends possible rejection. Until you come out your internal dialog is all about pros and cons. Once out, most people are relieved.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Coming out?

    So at the gym today I think this guy might have been checking me out. He said hi to me asked me how I was. Nobody ever talks to me at the gym. Well the guy was always smiling at me when I seen him looking at me. I mean I might be looking too much into it but it was a new experience for me. Maybe if I see him there again I should work out near him? Try and strike up a conversation?

  10. #10

    Re: Coming out?

    I am pretty obtuse to casual flirting and reading the signals correctly - and often misread them due to my wishful thinking.

    "Hey! The hot guy said hi to me! Does he want me?" ... no, ya hornball - he was just being polite. LOL

    I'd need more to go on... a wink, an obvious touch, flat out stating their intentions.
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    Re: Coming out?

    Yeah I'm the same way I am so bad at telling flirting from friendliness. Though I think he might have winked at me not sure. That's why I'm thinking if I see him again maybe hope on a machine near him see if he wants to strike up a conversation or maybe look at me again. He was a good looking guy by the way

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    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Coming out?

    It's much easier to choose friends than it is to choose your sexual orientation. If you're at a point where you're accepting of yourself, then you just make it clear that you're still the same person and if your friends aren't willing to accept that, then they're not really the kind of friend that you want in your life.

    The real dilemma in situations is "exactly what are you "coming out" for?". It's one thing if you're dating a guy and you don't want to have to sneak around or have awkward situations in public when you happen to run into one of your friends while you're on a date, etc. But you're not really in a serious relationship with a guy yet, so except for your closest friends and relatives, is it really any of their business who you're sleeping with?

    So, for the time being, it makes sense to tell your family and closest friends that you're bicurious or "exploring your sexuality". The next step would be the same whether you end up dating a guy or a girl- just like you would introduce your girlfriend to your circle of friends, you do the same if it's a boyfriend. When you are dating a guy and it looks like it's somewhat serious, then it makes sense to come out to your larger group of friends, non-immediate family, coworkers, etc. And if you make a good choice in the guys you date, it will also make it easier for friends and family to accept your bisexuality/homosexuality.
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    Re: Coming out?

    I think part of my reason is that I keep it secret and some secrets will eventually start to tear you up on the inside. For the longest time now I've always used a fake name when communicating with guys online (don't know if that's normal). Ill use a real picture of myself but I just feel like I'm lying to myself and others all the time and it feels bad. I do agree that it's really nobodies business who I have sex with. But I don't know if I would ever want to come home with a boyfriend and just be like oh yeah this is my boyfriend I'm gay

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    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Coming out?

    Quote Originally Posted by oregonbiguy View Post
    I think part of my reason is that I keep it secret and some secrets will eventually start to tear you up on the inside. For the longest time now I've always used a fake name when communicating with guys online (don't know if that's normal). Ill use a real picture of myself but I just feel like I'm lying to myself and others all the time and it feels bad. I do agree that it's really nobodies business who I have sex with. But I don't know if I would ever want to come home with a boyfriend and just be like oh yeah this is my boyfriend I'm gay
    The problem is the way that a lot of people view the hetero/homo issue as two opposing things. It's seldom that clear-cut and there shouldn't be two sets of standards.

    You have to ask yourself whether, if one of your friends were hooking up with girls over the internet for one-night stands, would you need to know this? Probably not. So, there shouldn't be a double standards. And your straight friends probably never sat you down and said, "I'm straight." They just started talking about girls or they had a girlfriend with them and you put two and two together to conclude that they were straight. No straight guy ever has to introduce a girl with "Hi, this is Lisa. We're fucking." There shouldn't be a different standard for gay or bi people.

    Coming home with a boyfriend and announcing you are gay are not things that you should do together. What happens naturally is that you bring a guy with you, you introduce him to your friends, they get to know each other, they decide whether he's a cool guy or not. In this situation, your closest friends and your immediate family should already know that you're gay. You later mention that you're dating the guy they met and they say, "Oh, he's nice." The rest of your friends... well, they can figure it out.. or not.

    Sometimes the easiest way to come out is to just stop hiding the obvious. Just take the time to tell the important people in your life and let the rest figure it out on their own.
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    Re: Coming out?

    I like your point of view karabulut. Very insightful and makes total sense. Double standards suck

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