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  1. #1

    I don't want to be friends.

    So after 5 years of hardcore dating and meeting new people I realized that I don't have any friends whatsoever.

    If I meet someone it is a date and I always want it to lead to some form of physical involvment, at the very least, kissing. I don't do sexdates, it isn't my thing, but anything safe that is not sex is welcome.

    Now I just found out that I want kissing and touching, and it is at least as important to me as talking and chatting, and if I am refused I go through the stages og grief and move on, but I never want to be "just friends" with men.

    The problem with that is that while I don't feel the need for friends, I sometimes feel extreemely desolated. Lonely even. And often that feeling claws it's way to my mind and I become apathetic for weeks.

    I am not interested in women at all, but I did form some form of partnership with one or two female loners, and we go to pubs together, drink a coffe and talk about shit, but I do realize that we really aren't interested in each other's problems and life.

    What to do?

  2. #2
    JUB Addict darden's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    friends are important. you can't expect a potential boyfriend to fill 100% of your needs (hell, I'd kill my partner if we didn't get the occasional night alone with our respective groups of friends)

    have you tried joining any kind of social group/club? meet a diverse group of people... I guess I can't put myself in the mindset of needing to fuck anyone I was friends with. most of my friends are straight.

  3. #3
    On the Prowl checkinthingsout's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    What do you like to do for fun? Chances are, if you are in a big city there are clubs based solely on activities. Join one of them and get to know the people.

    What do you do for work? Work is also a great place to find friends because you share similar career interests which is a great commonality for starting friendships.

    What part of the world are you in? Do you attend university? Any place where you interact with other people-gay or straight-is a place where you can make a friend. You just are not putting yourself out there enough.

  4. #4
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    The question is "Are you missing intimacy from the guys that you're dating? Or is that you want to have an intimate non-sexual relationship that is based solely upon friendship?".

    It's possible to have both, but they aren't always mutually exclusive.
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  5. #5

    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by KaraBulut View Post
    The question is "Are you missing intimacy from the guys that you're dating? Or is that you want to have an intimate non-sexual relationship that is based solely upon friendship?".

    It's possible to have both, but they aren't always mutually exclusive.
    I am missing intimacy from most of the guys I'm dating. Sometimes I don't, but that is rare, and theese rare exceptions never want a second date. Not so far anyways.

    Being friends with someone is something I didn't experience so far. I guess I'm just terribly lonely sometimes and it would be nice to have someone around that I like spending time with. Not as a sexual/romantic partner, but just someone I can connect to. A "family".

    Quote Originally Posted by checkinthingsout View Post
    What do you like to do for fun? Chances are, if you are in a big city there are clubs based solely on activities. Join one of them and get to know the people.

    What do you do for work? Work is also a great place to find friends because you share similar career interests which is a great commonality for starting friendships.

    What part of the world are you in? Do you attend university? Any place where you interact with other people-gay or straight-is a place where you can make a friend. You just are not putting yourself out there enough.
    I like to talk to people, I really do. I love it when people listen to me and give me attention, and of course I do the same for them, but you have to understand that this can only be done if you are focusing exclusively on each other. If I go to a party with a couple other people, I will never be interesting enough. I don't like parties, I don't like crowds, because I am always isolated after everyone realizes that there is absolutely nothing interesting about me.

    I live in Sydney, and if I want to have fun, I usually retreat to my room and read some good book, or watch some actually good movie. I used to exercise, but I got real fed up with it, so I stopped. I tried most sports that exist, but after a few weeks I usually realize that I hate doing it. I also realized that it disturbs me if I have to exercise with others around me. If someone was watching me I felt the need to stop and just retreat to my world, my home.

    I work in a bakery now, while I attend university. No real common interests with my co-workers. I am openly gay too, so I suppose that doesn't help much either.

    I joined a few gay groups, but the atmosphere was... bitchy? Let's just say they weren't welcoming.

    The thing is, I met a few people I could have a really nice conversation with.We discussed TV shows, books, character develoments in depth and it was real nice. But for some reason, I always end up the guy trying to make it work, while the other person doesn't mind either way.

  6. #6
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    ... I am always isolated after everyone realizes that there is absolutely nothing interesting about me.
    Just an observation...

    One misconception is that a person needs to be interesting to have a network of friends. It's the opposite- it's the interested person who has more friends. People like to feel like other people are interested in them.

    The lack of friends is very connected to this. Friends introduce you to other people, friends give you feedback about the way that you interact in social situations, friends provide a sounding board and honest opinions.

    There's a piece of this that is still puzzling- some of the things that you're saying about feeling isolated can have different causes- from introversion to ASD to self-esteem issues. The issue isn't that there's actually something wrong with you; the issue is that you feel like there's something wrong with you.
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  7. #7
    On the Prowl checkinthingsout's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Disturbance View Post
    I am missing intimacy from most of the guys I'm dating. Sometimes I don't, but that is rare, and theese rare exceptions never want a second date. Not so far anyways.

    Being friends with someone is something I didn't experience so far. I guess I'm just terribly lonely sometimes and it would be nice to have someone around that I like spending time with. Not as a sexual/romantic partner, but just someone I can connect to. A "family".



    I like to talk to people, I really do. I love it when people listen to me and give me attention, and of course I do the same for them, but you have to understand that this can only be done if you are focusing exclusively on each other. If I go to a party with a couple other people, I will never be interesting enough. I don't like parties, I don't like crowds, because I am always isolated after everyone realizes that there is absolutely nothing interesting about me.

    I live in Sydney, and if I want to have fun, I usually retreat to my room and read some good book, or watch some actually good movie. I used to exercise, but I got real fed up with it, so I stopped. I tried most sports that exist, but after a few weeks I usually realize that I hate doing it. I also realized that it disturbs me if I have to exercise with others around me. If someone was watching me I felt the need to stop and just retreat to my world, my home.

    I work in a bakery now, while I attend university. No real common interests with my co-workers. I am openly gay too, so I suppose that doesn't help much either.

    I joined a few gay groups, but the atmosphere was... bitchy? Let's just say they weren't welcoming.

    The thing is, I met a few people I could have a really nice conversation with.We discussed TV shows, books, character develoments in depth and it was real nice. But for some reason, I always end up the guy trying to make it work, while the other person doesn't mind either way.
    Well that is a step in the right direction, but friendships don't happen overnight. Keep in contact with them, invite them out (in group settings) or ask them of any events going on in Sidney related to books/film/etc. If you think you and these guys could potentially be friends, why don't you host a movie night, get some pizza and drinks, and invite them over?

    On campus, maybe you could join a film club? There you are sure to make friends as well with similar interests.

    For you I would stay away from big parties, because its harder to connect with people. Continue to take an active approach and invite people to a pub or bar in the afternoon and just chat. Or go to the beach, or simply out for food.

    In regards to your job, have you ever actually sat down over a beer and talked to any of them or are you just making assumptions because you are gay and they are not? You have to be willing to put yourself out there. It may seem weird or awkward at first, but most co workers will go out for a beer unless they genuinely hate you.

    You say you are good listener but I have to agree with KaraBulut that it doesn't add up. When you go out with your coworkers (remember a beer in a quiet bar, something very casual), find out who they are, and really get to know them, and genuinely be interested in what they have to say.

    For instance, you find out your coworker loves rugby or surfing, and you dont know anything about either. Now you can talk to him/her for hours about why he likes those things, the rules, favorite players, etc. Its very common to have friends that do not have many interests in common, but the fact that you can listen to each other and be curious about what each other is interested in helps to start friendships. Just being a good listener really opens up people to being comfortable around you and being friends, and I think you haven't truly mastered the listening part.

    Also, why was the gay group bitchy? Was every single person in the group an asshole? You should single out the 1 or 1s that were not complete assholes and get to know them, outside of their sexuality.

  8. #8
    JUB Addict Craiger's Avatar
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    Re: I don't want to be friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by checkinthingsout View Post
    If you think you and these guys could potentially be friends, why don't you host a movie night, get some pizza and drinks, and invite them over?
    Also, why was the gay group bitchy? Was every single person in the group an asshole? You should single out the 1 or 1s that were not complete assholes and get to know them, outside of their sexuality.
    I think checkingthingsout has a very good advise here. I know I am more comfortable hosting a small group because it is in "my territory" and am not under the pressure of having to adjust to a new environment. Your guests will be the ones that will carry the conversations and by your listening, you will get to know more about each one. They in turn can get to know you.

    Also, KaraBulut may be right, "the issue is that you feel like there's something wrong with you". Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think anyone can be so boring that no one wants to talk to them. This seems to be an issue you have perpetuated in your own mind.

    Give yourself more credit and extent yourself more to others. It may be awkward at first, but I am sure you will find many that will find a commonality with you. Good luck and keep us updated.

    Craiger

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