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  1. #1
    JUB Addict getoverit's Avatar
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    Boyfriends and jerking off

    Hello Everyone!

    I have not been as active on here since I moved in with my BF two months ago. It feels good to be back after a bit.

    Anyway... let me explain the point of this thread...

    My BF and I have been together almost a year and have lived together for more then two months now. I know that may seem quick for some but we both knew we wanted it, plus we talked and got to know one another for about 1.5 years before we even started to date.

    Things are great between us. Do we have our fights yes, but we always talk them out and we are good. However, there is still a pink elephant in the room. My BF likes to still jerk off even though he has me now. At first I was really upset about this. He told me its not me and that he feels its completely normal and healthy for anyone to want to masturbate, even when they have a partner. For him its still a way for him to have privacy in his life now that we live together. Which I understand there are still times I just want to be alone. He said he likes the fantasy of it. He likes looking at the porn or reading stories online and thinking about it. He says he does not want to be with anyone else and does not engage with other "real" people via online to jerk off with. He said its purely fantasy and that he feels he still has some privacy.

    He said that he is still sexually attracted to me and we have sex on a regular basis. There are times he will jerk off and then later in the day once I am home from work or out shopping he will want to be with me. Which is great to me. I guess I just do not get it. I like waiting for him. But then on the other hand I like the fantasy about it. I like being able to look at porn and getting lost in it. I like being able to look at the hairy muscular guys online that I feel are amazingly hot. I still love him and want to be with him. I do not want to be with anyone. The thought of ever cheating disgust me.

    So for anyone in a serious monogamous relationship... Is this something you have dealt with? If so, how did you work through it? Any tips are appreciated!

    Thank you!!
    That is so fetch!

  2. #2

    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    I always jerk off whether I'm with someone or not. It's normal

  3. #3
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Yes. No matter how committed to each other you may be, masturbating is a perfectly normal "guy" thing, he has tryed to ease your mind by being completely open and honest. He has told you that he does not jerk off on-line with anyone, he just likes watching porn by himself occasionally. He sounds like a really decent bloke, who is willing to discuss this aspect of your relationship. Perhaps the problem does not stem from your partner, maybe you could be feeling a little insecure. Perfectly understandable, as you both have only been living together for a short time, and you may still be in the "Honeymoon" phase, where everything and i mean everything should be shared.
    I honestly can only seeing this being a problem if you make it one. My partner and i have only been living together "full-time" for the last six weeks, we are both committed to each other, yet we both still have "me" time. As LuckysRevenge has already mentioned it really is perfectly normal. Wishing you both the best...

  4. #4
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    It's normal and as long as it's not interfering with your sex life with him don't worry that his views differ from yours. Control has no place in a healthy relationship.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  5. #5
    Porn Star aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    I don┤t have to tell you all the good effects of masturbating, I think we all know them (I will mention that he gets better at sex, due to it, so you have something to win, too). He doesn┤t choose jerking off over having sex with you, so it┤s not a problem. Like medic1 said, his is not doing anything with anyone, and porn is just a fantasy. Not hurting anyone here. Think of straight couples, where the wife is reading her erotic novels, it┤s pretty much the same thing.

    If you can┤t get to look beyond this, ask him to do it when he┤s alone and you aren┤t there with him.
    ĘBeware the fury of a patient manĘ - John Dryden

  6. #6
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Everyone is entitled to a fantasy life. And for those in a relationship, as long as it doesn't replace or become a substitute for sex with their partner, it's perfectly healthy.

    The two of you have to decide whether jacking off to porn is okay, whether jacking off to a live cam show is okay, whether jacking off in a cam session with another person is okay and whether having sex outside the relationship with another person is okay. Every couple has to decide where the line is.

    Where most people draw the line is on the question of whether it's okay to interact with another person. But if your boyfriend wants some alone time with porn and he's been clear that he still wants to have sex with you, that's not an unusual or unreasonable request.
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  7. #7
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Quote Originally Posted by getoverit View Post
    Hello Everyone!

    I have not been as active on here since I moved in with my BF two months ago. It feels good to be back after a bit.

    Anyway... let me explain the point of this thread...

    My BF and I have been together almost a year and have lived together for more then two months now. I know that may seem quick for some but we both knew we wanted it, plus we talked and got to know one another for about 1.5 years before we even started to date.

    Things are great between us. Do we have our fights yes, but we always talk them out and we are good. However, there is still a pink elephant in the room. My BF likes to still jerk off even though he has me now. At first I was really upset about this. He told me its not me and that he feels its completely normal and healthy for anyone to want to masturbate, even when they have a partner. For him its still a way for him to have privacy in his life now that we live together. Which I understand there are still times I just want to be alone. He said he likes the fantasy of it. He likes looking at the porn or reading stories online and thinking about it. He says he does not want to be with anyone else and does not engage with other "real" people via online to jerk off with. He said its purely fantasy and that he feels he still has some privacy.

    He said that he is still sexually attracted to me and we have sex on a regular basis. There are times he will jerk off and then later in the day once I am home from work or out shopping he will want to be with me. Which is great to me. I guess I just do not get it. I like waiting for him. But then on the other hand I like the fantasy about it. I like being able to look at porn and getting lost in it. I like being able to look at the hairy muscular guys online that I feel are amazingly hot. I still love him and want to be with him. I do not want to be with anyone. The thought of ever cheating disgust me.

    So for anyone in a serious monogamous relationship... Is this something you have dealt with? If so, how did you work through it? Any tips are appreciated!

    Thank you!!
    Same situation, slightly opposite issue. My guy and i have been together 16 years. I actually like the fact that both of us are sexual beings even when we're not in the same room. It makes me horny to realize that he might be home at this exact moment jerking off. It's like finding out there is more to his sexuality than just the time he and I spend in bed. Instead of disappointing me or intimidating me, it just makes me curious, horny and interested to explore it. I've always thought that way.

    However at first he thought he was doing something I might not approve of or that I might not find sexy. So if he was in another room looking at porn or jacking off and I happened to "catch him" he'd panic and cover up and close whatever window he was looking at on the computer. THAT'S what I hated. It was a complete turn off. I felt rejected. I felt like it was an insult to my intelligence too. Like I really didn't know what was going on?

    So we have a rule, and it is a Rule: jerk off if you get a quick minute to yourself and the mood strikes. But if I get home halfway through, invite me to join in. I don't care if you put on a show and ask me just to watch, or if you ask me to take over. Just don't cut me out. He really struggled with that at first because he was shy and it took him a while to trust that I was truly okay with this. But I didn't just want it this way, I needed it this way. He should never have to hide his horniness from me. Now things are much better. It turns me on like crazy if I get home from a work trip and he tells me by the second day he was so horny he jacked off three times after work or something like that, and of course by then we're both getting into it with each other. Same thing if one of us has a day off and the other one comes home at the right moment. And it applies to both of us the same way.

    The other rule of masturbation is maybe more of a guideline. It has never been an issue between us but it seems to work well: we try to have the majority of our orgasms with each other rather than solo. It is kind of reassuring to know we get to be there for most of the horniness. And if most of his orgasms were on his own, I would feel like I was missing out. I don't want to feel like actual sex is an afterthought or that we would be irrelevant most of the time. But as long as most of the time we are in the same room, it turns me on more knowing he might be rubbing one out right now even though we're not at the moment. Same goes for porn. We look at it separately or together. Porn has given us some of our favourite fun ideas to try together.

    The one thing I agree with your boyfriend about is the need for privacy and the need to remember that we are separate people sharing a life together, not some kind of merged blob where each person loses their individuality and the chance to have a moment to himself. But I don't think privacy should be limited to sexual jerk off sessions. A guy can get some privacy from having his own hobby too. And obviously, I don't think all sexual jerk off session should be private. They definitely shouldn't be secret.

    My only other advice is about arguing. It is great that you always work things out. You have a history of working things out. You plan to work out your differences in the future. Try to remember that in the moment, and then skip all the arguing and bullshit and just get to the part where you talk man to man, heart to heart.
    Last edited by bankside; April 30th, 2014 at 05:48 AM.
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  8. #8
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Awesome replies here! I think the case has been made, but I'll throw in something: At first I didn't like being excluded, but I realized it was a normal guy thing that didn't really change what we have together. And it seems fair, since he doesn't mind that I use fantasies to help me get off during vanilla sex.

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  9. #9
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    When I was a stupid young teenager, I thought being gay was two guys getting together and jacking off, then went on their merry ways. The idea of love or a relationship never entered my mind. So that thought became a big part of my personal fantasy life and masturbation. After my bf and I had been sexually active for a few months, I told him about this and asked him to jack off for me so I could watch. It was a thing of beauty to watch and a major turn on. Just the sight of his balls bouncing was something that had not entered my young mind back then. It was made even more wonderful by the fact he was looking at me the entire time.
    Seeing his hard cock in his hand is still one of life's great pleasures.
    I really don't see why masturbation can't be something a couple shares and if your bf feels the need to boff the bishop on his own from time to time, it shouldn't offend you. Afterall, boys will be boys.
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  10. #10
    JUB Addict getoverit's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Thank you everyone. You all have helped beyond belief!!!

  11. #11
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    my sex drive was waaaaaay higher then my ex's....spanking one off was far better then cheating
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  12. #12
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    You should be worried about it and not make a big deal of......we have be together for 30Yrs and we j/o separately all the time....it's like our own private time, sometimes we walk in on each and just leave and let each other finish, sometimes we have sex right after one finishes, sometimes we join in and finish each other off but dont get into full sex.

    if you truly love him and each other this is not harmful in any way and very healthy for each other. if one goes out side the LTR then that's another story.

    let him j/o on his own and you do the same.......
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

  13. #13
    JUB Addict darden's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    definitely normal.

    I love having sex with my boyfriend and our sex life is pretty healthy/regular. but sex is a physically/mentally engaging activity. much as I love it, sometimes I just want to turn my brain off and watch hot guys having sex. it's like reading a great book versus vegging out and staring at the TV screen.

  14. #14

    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    I think it's healthy. As I've said in other threads, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're NOT going to still be attracted to other people, or necessarily not want other people to find you attractive. With the fantasy masturbation you can still do that "what if..." with a stranger (mentally), and still remain faithful.

    I think it also works both ways... While jerking off watching porn, you also are reminded of how empty casual sex is, and how desperate one can feel searching for that "Mr. Right". It reminds him why he chose YOU. I think those couples who are so strict about not looking at other guys, and "You can ONLY get off if I'm there with you" are the ones who start to feel "stuck" in the relationship and resentful, and forget that they're both in it mutually because they WANT to be. A little outside competition/jealousy helps to not take each other for granted.

    Also... sometimes... for me at least... jerking off isn't really about sex/intimacy. It's just a quickie stress reliever.

    We're brought up to believe that jerking off is some forbidden, secretive private taboo. I think it's a beautiful act that should be rejoiced more, and shared as the great gift it is.

    ... I'd also like to add that if all he's doing is jerking off to porn, there are a LOT of WAY worse things he could be doing... count yourself LUCKY.
    Last edited by borg69unimatrix; April 30th, 2014 at 12:24 PM.
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    My BF likes to still jerk off even though he has me now. At first I was really upset about this.
    I know exactly how you feel.

    I've only been in a few relationships, but I've always been the hornier one by quite a lot. I'm a 4-5 times a week guy, maybe every day. But somehow, I'm always stuck with 1-2 times a week guys

    (Seriously, is there anyone here as horny as me or are all men just hopeless? )

    What really got me upset were the times I'd wait for him. I'd ask for sex one night, he'd say no, and I'd be a little upset but still respect his space. Then after waiting all week, sometimes it would just end up with him doing his thing alone while I'm at work or something, and we end up with no sex at all. Can you imagine that? I almost dumped 1 or 2 guys because of it, all this patience for nothing

    But ask yourself: Why do you think he should jerk with you every time he's in the mood? Did living together suddenly make that a rule? That's not romance, that's control. Try as you might, you'll never ever be able to control his urges or time them with your own. I learned that the hard way.

    It has nothing to do with losing attraction to you or avoiding you or anything. Even if some attraction has faded, that's just more reason for you to give him space so he doesn't feel smothered. And don't play the "waiting game" like I used to, it'll only piss you off more. Clearly, he's not waiting, so neither should you.

    Just be sure that you're upfront about it. If you're in the mood but want to be alone, say so. Don't get in a situation where you have to ask each other permission or anything like that, but just be willing to let him have his alone time and ask if he's okay with you having yours. And if it's really bugging you, set up dates now and again, simply ask "you wanna do it tonight or tomorrow?" Maybe that'll hurt the spontaneity, but small price to pay

  16. #16
    JUB Addict getoverit's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Thank you so much everyone! I actually feel so much better.
    That is so fetch!

  17. #17
    Porn Star aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Quote Originally Posted by brokegayguy View Post
    (Seriously, is there anyone here as horny as me or are all men just hopeless? )
    I keep seeing this online, but I don┤t seem to find any of you in real life :P
    ĘBeware the fury of a patient manĘ - John Dryden

  18. #18

    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    I would join the chorus of jerk and let jerk. You said yourself your sex life was great when you were together. I would say that enough is enough to tell you you have nothing to worry about!

    The only thing I'd add is that if part of what he appreciated about masturbating by himself is the privacy, let him know that it is okay to have that privacy. That doesn't mean that you can't ever join in, but I think while it worked for another poster, forcing your partner to do something he's sexually not comfortable with is a very dangerous thing. (Which I have experience with.)

  19. #19
    On the Prowl jayamsterdam's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Dr. Jenn Berman (VH1 Couples Therapy) had a caller with a similar concern on her radio show (XM satellite radio), but it was a WOMAN who said her boyfriend was upset at her for masturbating. She told Dr. Jenn that she enjoyed masturbating to the thought of other women.

    What did Dr. Jenn say, which I agree with 110%?
    1.) Its okay to masturbate when you're in a relationship. In fact, it is healthy. Its your "alone" time.
    2.) Its okay to have fantasies about other people, objects, etc....as long as you don't act on them.

    I understand you're feeling inadequate, in a sense, but imagine you are a cook and the only meal you cook for your boyfriend is pasta with red sauce. Say your boyfriend loves pasta, but he decides that on his way home, he will get pasta with meat sauce at Olive Garden, because you never put meat in his sauce. Its not a diss on you, its just his preference. Bad analogy, I know, but I think you've got it good!

  20. #20
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Hahaha, I knew my bf jerked off on his own when we first got together and I was fine-- I did too. Then we were getting it on and he asked if he could put porn on ... and I legit flipped out on him I was incredibly upset. He assured me it's not because he's turned off by me, it's just something he really enjoys doing with someone he's with. Now, I loove jerking off to porn with him sometimes and making out while watching, it's totally hot. We still jerk off to porn alone too though, if he's not in the mood at that moment, ok fine, I'll just jerk to porn and it's fine and same with him.

  21. #21
    JUB Addict innocentbychoice's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Masturbation is someone's private time and I think everybody needs it, whether they have a partner or not. It's weird that you were having issues with this since I thought only straight girls got upset about their boyfriends jerking off lol. I still do it and I'm in a 3+ years relationship and I live with my boyfriend. I know he does it too when I'm not around so...no big deal.

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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    I must be in the minority here. For some reason I'm just uncomfortable with my boyfriend masturbating. I understand where all of you are coming from, and what you've all said really helped me with the idea of it. He's more of a daddy and I'm a young cub. He's basically what I've always wanted but I know he watches porn with skinny hairless guys. So I guess it's just me being insecure. He said he doesn't really have a type and he watches that type of porn because that's what most porn consists of for the most part.

    It also got to me because we haven't done anything in weeks. He sent me a video one time of him jerking off, and while it was really hot and I loved it, it bothered me a bit because I was at his house the day before and was supposed to go back the next day. So it bothered me that since we didn't do anything in awhile, why he couldn't just wait until the next day or even do anything the day before. If we had sex on a more regular basis, about twice a week, I would never feel the need to have to jerk off. At least I say that now. I don't know if my mindset on that would change. Am I overreacting?

  23. #23
    JUB Addict innocentbychoice's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    Quote Originally Posted by Yours2Hold View Post
    I must be in the minority here. For some reason I'm just uncomfortable with my boyfriend masturbating. I understand where all of you are coming from, and what you've all said really helped me with the idea of it. He's more of a daddy and I'm a young cub. He's basically what I've always wanted but I know he watches porn with skinny hairless guys. So I guess it's just me being insecure. He said he doesn't really have a type and he watches that type of porn because that's what most porn consists of for the most part.

    It also got to me because we haven't done anything in weeks. He sent me a video one time of him jerking off, and while it was really hot and I loved it, it bothered me a bit because I was at his house the day before and was supposed to go back the next day. So it bothered me that since we didn't do anything in awhile, why he couldn't just wait until the next day or even do anything the day before. If we had sex on a more regular basis, about twice a week, I would never feel the need to have to jerk off. At least I say that now. I don't know if my mindset on that would change. Am I overreacting?
    Talk to him about it. I'm going through something similar with my bf, but we've been together for almost 4 years so it's normal that we aren't horny for each other all the time.

    Watching porn together can be a good way to put both things together, you can fantasize with him, see the guys he likes and also have sex. You will both enjoy it. I don't think masturbation is bad at all, it's way better for your partner to live his fantasies in his mind than to actually doing it with somebody in real life who isn't you. The real problem is if that's all he wants to do, so talk to him about it.

  24. #24
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    Re: Boyfriends and jerking off

    We've been together for a decade now and there are still times where we will take time to ourselves so to speak.
    It's nothing personal and shouldn't be viewed as such.

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