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  1. #1
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    Desperately need some advice

    Hi all,

    I've been feeling depressed for the best part of two years no. I'm bi not out - but that has nothing to do with how I feel. Unemployment, finance troubles, societal pressure (need to save up to buy a house - but i can't even afford dinner).

    So I've had a light fun buddy for a while now. Started out as two bi-curious guys trying out stuff together. I feel really close to him. Our friendship arrangement has lasted longer than any of my relationships (only been with girls). I can't stop thinking about him. It's become more than sex. I didn't think love existed but I'm scared I'm in love - with a guy!

    I don't know if it's love or if it is because he's my only bit of happiness during a tough part of my life. Either way - I'm beginning to worry about him a lot too. His future looks poverty stricken like mine and I can't help fear for him. I've got no mental space to be worrying about myself, my family and him! It's too much.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    First dont worry about labels of any kind. You are two guys with a strong bond if that keeps growing there is nothing wrong with that. You dont have to label each other as boyfriends. You are two peope who feel a great bond with each other. Thats really great not many prople find that. Be happy with what you two are sharing. Someone you can talk to, someone you can be intimate with. Guys bonds with their buds can be strong but most, like in my situation, one person puts limits on it when it could be so much more.
    2Nd its great you care for him but thats his burden to carry. You can listen, give advice and carry him on your heart. Thats all ok. But dont let it effect you with what you have going on. No need for two people to panic over the same thing its like duplicating your work.
    Instead try to lighten things up. Listen to positive things. Look for ways to improve whats happening around you. Dont look down at the curcumstances but look up to see the ray of light trying to shine through the storm clouds of life. Youll get there. Everything is temporary and can change at any moment. So enjoy what you have with your bud because its a good thing.

  3. #3
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    First, how old are you? This sounds like a great friendship - but it also sounds like a youthful infatuation (I am assuming you are young).

    Do you really need to shoulder all of the family obligations you refer to. Is it all on your shoulders; or, are you picking up the slack for someone else?

    Is there anyone you can talk to who might be able to help you find a way to deal with or face these obligations?

  4. #4
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Does he feel the same about you? How about becoming roomies and sharing the expenses of life? I'm with Palbert on this, we need more info about your family life before we can offer good advice.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  5. #5
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    My first advise to you would be to enjoy your friendship/sex life with your friend, live in the moment. Don't rush things, let nature take it's course.
    As far as poverty, financial success, buying a home and unemployment go you need to have priorities, don't worry about buying a house if you are concerned about finding something to eat for dinner. If you are unemployed it's no shame, however make it a priority to find work.
    We can't fix everything in our lives at once, trying to just torments us and puts undue pressure upon us, one step at a time, enjoy your friend, let him take responsibility for his own problems, you have enough on your plate.
    Sometimes in life we must feel successful if we make it from day to day, we eat, we have a place to sleep and clothed to wear.
    Try just going from day to day, for now that may be the best way.

  6. #6
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Thanks guys. Thank you very much. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond with constructive advice. We're both in our early twenties - graduates in a bad job market. My family's long term financial situation looks dim - I feel as though I'm always trying to push myself to better my situation whereas they aren't.

    rjason and peeonme (nice name), thanks, I will definitely appreciate what I've got going and take it as it comes. I would be in a worse place than I am now without him.

    sixthson and palbert - I think the feelings are definitely strong on both sides. No way of me knowing how he feels exactly but sometimes he says stuff to me which friends/sex partners don't say to each other - more meaningful. I'd say he's my best friend now, so maybe the added sexual bit has got me a bit infatuated.

  7. #7

    Re: Desperately need some advice

    When my partner and I got together I had been married for a few years (married young) I had a good job but heavy child support for my two sons he had an entry level job we had very little money. We move in together and although we never starved it was rough. A room together would work for a start. Just remember "Things will get better"

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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Thanks Pierreso. I might suggest that to him - but not yet. Things are unstable at home and his situations is okay at the moment, it might not even become bad as I'm fearing it will be. Also, I don't want to freak him out by suggesting it until I know for sure how he feels or heck how I even feel.

  9. #9
    Are u haleloo ya ? Telstra's Avatar
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Go for it if you can live together.
    Two are better than one to keep the cost of living down.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  10. #10
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    It can work well given you are in similar situations. Try to bolster each other and examine all possibilities for yourselves when it comes to employment even if it means more school or technical study. In a booming economy sometimes all that matters is a degree, otherwise, not so much and certain skills are needed.

    Living together should add fun even as it might add some stress, but it will be an adventure.

    Worry about yourself first, but only insofar as it motivates you. If unchecked it can lead to lethargy and procrastination. Worry about your bf next but only in terms if offering support and encouragement. Stop worrying about your family unless it can provide you with insights on how to help without taking you down.

    We obviously have emotions for a reason but they are meant to come up and go away making life interesting. Being stuck in any one is existing, not living.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  11. #11
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    in this kind of economy, as long as the two of you can afford living together because you are in-sync with each other and won't be a burden to pay the rent/late payment. sharing a room or an apartment may be an ideal situation.

    i live in nyc, and i can tell you it is very common to have 4 guys or more (depending on how big the place is) live together to share an apartment to lower the cost of living. so you might want to consider that.

    the others have already given advice on the relationship front so i won't double down on that anymore.

  12. #12
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Money isn't everything, but my advice would be to try and get the financial/unemployment issue out of the way first and foremost. I had a depression myself not too long ago - it also lastet almost two years - and there were many factors, but my extreme dissatisfaction with my job and subsequent unemployment were perhaps the most important factor. Try to make a (financially) sustainable situation for yourself, and you can work on the rest from a more confident place.

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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Thanks guys. Moving in together is definitely something I would be interested in doing with him. But he isn't my boyfriend - he's my secret fuck buddy.

  14. #14
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Hi Kar. I am a middle aged guy who has been with only women, with the exception of a couple very few minor episodes of experimenting in my twenties and early thirties, and mean minor. But, I've always known I had a certain attraction to men. I very much found as a grown man that I had a huge void from lack of male to male intimacy, not sexual, in my life, and that, that was part of my attractions. But I now feel that if I let go all the shit that has been put on me by society, religions, peer pressure, that I am capable of being attracted to, and loving, someone from either gender or sex. I am not into labels and feel that my own sexuality is in flux as the weather is. I consider myself a humansexual. I believe that if we weren't socialized to find heterosexual relationships healthy and right, and same sex relationships to be off, then we would just love who want to be with, child bearing issues aside. Fucking is extremely intimate. It's pretty hard to imagine not feeling really close to someone you are having that experience with regularly. He sees all of you. You see all of him.

  15. #15
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    #1 Rule: You can't help someone else, until you help yourself.

    Stop focusing on other people, focus on stabilizing your own life. If that means your family will have to fend for itself for awhile, so be it. In the end you will be in a better position to help if you get a good job and a stable home base from which to operate.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  16. #16
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Thanks TX and 4play. Much appreciated. I'm definitely going to try and put more focus on myself for a while and also just chill out with the guy - let it take its course for now. At the moment I'm having bad days and really bad days - when I posted the original message it was a really bad day but reading all these messages of support makes me grateful and makes things clearer/easier to digest.

  17. #17
    On the Prowl checkinthingsout's Avatar
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kareem8 View Post
    Thanks guys. Moving in together is definitely something I would be interested in doing with him. But he isn't my boyfriend - he's my secret fuck buddy.

    I think you can still fuck and split rent. I dont think anyone would think its weird that two young guys are living together. You guys could help each other look for jobs, and go over interview questions. Its like a roommate that no one knows you fuck. Wouldnt that be ideal for both of you?

  18. #18
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    I think that's an ideal situation if you ask me. No emotional attachments. Just fuck. As long as he will pay his part of the rent, I'll take him as a roommate in a heartbeat. You can't beat that kind of an arrangement.

  19. #19
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    At the moment I can't afford to live with him/split rent. I'm living with family for free - unable to contribute my share. I feel really guilty but I'm trying day and night to change my situation (the times I don't spend crying).

    I haven't taken any medication for my depression but definitely feel that it's passed the dangerous level and I now should.

    Checkin and Bruce, we've had the fuckbud thing for a long time. It was meant to be without emotional attachments. But he's not my best friend. The only thing keeping me happy in this difficult time. I can't stop thinking about him (which includes worrying about his future).

  20. #20
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Desperately need some advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kareem8 View Post
    ... we've had the fuckbud thing for a long time. It was meant to be without emotional attachments. But he's not my best friend. The only thing keeping me happy in this difficult time. I can't stop thinking about him (which includes worrying about his future).
    It's a burden to be the only source of happiness for someone who is very unhappy.

    For now, enjoy it for what it is. But don't let it take your focus off what should be your main priority: your own happiness and getting your own life in order.

    Once you are in a better place financially and emotionally, then your feelings toward your fuckbuddy will be clearer. And it will be clearer whether there's something more than just an NSA fuckbuddy thing.
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