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  1. #1

    Am I settling or expecting too much?

    While I feel like a real jerk for posting this, I have to ask guys who ended up in long term relationships if their expectations and what they ended up with were anywhere close to the same thing. I've been with someone for almost a year now, we never argue the sex is good(not great) but they are extremely nice and supportive. Sounds perfect right? My main two concerns is I feel a little uneasy continuing to take steps forward when I'm not sure we're completely compatible in the long run. He's unaware of most things going on the world, current events, music, literature, art, etc. Outside of his work there doesn't seem to be a real passion or curiosity. Whenever we do anything I'm always the proactive one and I rarely experience or learn anything new when I'm around him. Being with someone that doesn't necessarily stimulate my mind or turn me on to new things is kind of throwing me off, since I have never had this experience before. He's usually willing to try new things with me and follow along with me but he never takes on that role. This seems like a marginal concern, it's just that we are both under the impression that we plan on building a life together and I'm still a little concerned about how sweet and boring it's going to be. No doubt he's been good to me just concerned it's not going to be as adventurous as I had hoped. So question is, Am I settling for the sweet boring guy or expecting far too much?

  2. #2
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    If you constantly ask yourself if you should end the relationship, maybe you should. It┤s hard, of course, especially after some time, but if you are not satisfied now I doubt you will ever be in the future with this guy. He is not into the same stuff as you and most probably never will. If to you that is necessary in a relationship, you know the answer. You could also try meeting some friends that share the same interest, but it won┤t be even close to doing what you want with your partner.
    ĘBeware the fury of a patient manĘ - John Dryden

  3. #3
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    Wishful thinking: I want my partner to be everything to me.

    Reality: No one can be everything to anyone else.

    That is why having close friends, even in a long term relationship, is very important. For examples, I have friends who like to go to the movies but not going skiing. Whenever I feel like going to the movies, I will go with friends who like going to the movies...and not friends who don't like going to the movies. Whenever i feel like going skiing, I will go with friends who like skiing. I have friends who love to discuss politics and current events and welcome healthy debates...and I have friends who hate politics, debates and confrontations but love to go to concerts. I love to hang out with both groups...because they support both of my needs.

    Don't expect your current partner or your future partner to fulfill all your needs. Some people like being in a supportive role in a relationship. They don't take the lead, they follow and support you though...instead of protesting and arguing. Some people like to take the lead in a relationship. If you have two strong leads in a relationship, they tend to argue a lot (think two stubborn bulls fighting).

    In a relationship, you need to find a happy medium for both of you to strive for. Communication is the key to success. Did you tell him that you would like him to take the lead in this relationship? What do you have in common with each other? If you're looking for adventures, why can't you plan adventures for both of you? He seems like he would love to go with you...he has so far.

    Most importantly, do you love each other? If no, then move on and look for personality traits that are more compatible to what you're looking for in your next partner.
    Last edited by HunterM; February 26th, 2014 at 02:15 AM.

  4. #4
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    Gay guys in relationships should be best friends--best friends usually are on the same page on most things---and share common interests---sounds like you two are not---I'm not saying end the relationship, that will take time and pain to do--- but I understand why you are questioning it.

  5. #5
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    Hunter said it all for me, too.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  6. #6

    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    Thanks hunter I think this is probably the answer I was looking for, and most reasonable one. He's supportive and sweet so I've come to the conclusion that I can always be mentally stimulated by friends outside the relationship. It's the longest relationship I've had without any obvious friction or blatant issues. Additionally, I could be wrong but I feel like gay guys should be much less picky when it comes to partners for the basic fact that there are so few of us.

  7. #7

    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    As I've gotten older I've become more in line with the idea that a good partner is someone that you know can handle future responsibility well with you. Hot guys that are fun to be around are also generally irresponsible, unfaithful, and extremely fickle. My boyfriend is nice, responsible, and thoughtful; I guess I'd like to live in fantasyland and not the realworld.

  8. #8
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    If you want to keep this relationship, focus on what you two have in common with passions...what you LOVE about him to begin with.
    Last edited by HunterM; February 26th, 2014 at 03:35 PM.

  9. #9
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Am I settling or expecting too much?

    Please don't be "less picky" or at least reframe that thought. If not, you'll end up resentful. I don't think it's about being less picky; it's more about communication and compromise.

    We all have our own style and our own interests or lack there of. My husband of 30 years needs to be in control of our social life. That used to bug me at the beginning because I happen to be older and was in control in my previous relationship. It works most if the time because he has a more active calendar, but I make sure I also come up with ideas because he has gotten resentful.

    I plan the big stuff--international trips and most other vacation plans. He has little interest in current affairs and I've been hooked since age 9 when I was a paperboy. I don't overdo it, but I do send him or talk about Huffington Post articles that I think he'd find interesting.

    I suggest as you and your partner move forward that you have serious and regular discussions about hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes and share what you like and don't like about each other. Anything, even something which could be consided small and petty ought to be in the table if it's lingering.

    If you'd like him to occasionally plan ask him if he's interested in doing so and how often he'd be willing to take charge. If you'd like something more exciting sexually don't be afraid to initiate. I don't know if it's still around but The Joy of Gay Sex would be a good place to start.

    In short, it's better to over rather than under communicate. Avoid mind reading and insist he does the same. Ask for what you want and be direct about your needs. When you do argue, fight fair. You will find fair fighting guidelines online.

    If life together seems like an adventure and not a chore you have a foundation from which to build. Best wishes.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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