Looking at gay tube videos gets me so horny, but the last 4 days I've been looking at them nonstop. So much that it's effecting my contact with my family (the only people left in my life). I feel so ashamed that I sit back in my room and look at gay porn and masturbate. I feel so embarrassed that this is what my life has become.
And then I have all these concerns when I think about gay sex - STD's, "bottom problems" (bleeding), etc.
I could've died months ago when I stuck a plunger up my butt with no lube, causing me to bleed a ton and feel weird for a while. If I could take back 1 thing in my life, it would be that. I still can't believe I did something that stupid.
Then there's always that feeling when I see my underage cousin that I want to have sex with him. This right here is so frustrating. Fighting the powerful urges I have, the attraction I have for him. I know it's wrong, but we have so much in common and I feel he's the only one who "gets" me. I want him so bad, and it hurts knowing I can't have him.
Actually, every guy I see I have sexual urges for. This is pretty out of hand, and I feel pretty horrible about it. That could just be the lonely virgin in me that's talking - that's so desperate for attention from a guy. But it's still an awful feeling.
I just wish my sexuality could just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with all these things. I just don't think I can take being gay anymore when my life is on the line.