Ok, so this is my first post, hope you don't mind a longer one. I'm 22 and I have alwaysconside myself straight, but when I was in high school I was not really allowed to date and go out with girls. I don't know the reasoning behind this, but that seemed to be what my parents wanted. I also was kind of an outcast and always wanted to be one of the popular guys. So, I think through those reasons I started to develop some fantasies about guys.
I was also brought up very religiously and still am very religious and spiritual, so at first I was terrified and did everything I could to avoid thinking about that, but I would ultimately buckle and watch porn or just jack off while thinking about fucking another dude. It got so I would do this on and off, and then switch to jacking off to straight porn and back again, until now when I live far away from home and alone.
I've lived alone for like 7 months. I've looked at craigslist and responded to m4m ads kind of for the thrill of it, but always freaked out and would try and go "straight" cold turkey (I know, I know) but this last time was different.
I got exchanging emails with a guy and then it came time to exchange pictures. And shockingly enough, he kept responding afterseeing my face and even said some things about me he found hot. This was something I had NEVER ever experienced before. It felt really good to be considered attractive.
So, we got texting and the texting got really sexually charged, which led to me going to meet him. I felt confident we would at least give each other handjobs or blowjobs. We met, he seemed cool, and then we parked in the car and he told me we would go slow. He reached and touched my dick over my pantsand then I got too freaked out to go on,but I felt I covered it fairly well. He was really understanding, and we went back to our respective homes and continued to text each other, but I just kept feeling sick about the whole incident, even though I still feel like I really want to fuck him. I tried to quit again and then by keep again, and here I am. I want to break this cycle once and for all. I thank you for reading for those that did and apologize for any typos, I wrote this on my phone. So, what should I do? Partly it's a new thing so it's nerve-racking, but also I feel a moral concern too (FYI I have all the respect in the world for gay dudes and girls and only feel this way about myself, I would never force my values on another and I'm not saying you're morally wrong). do I hook up and try all the sex stuff I want or go in theoopposite direction and seek some kind of help?